Beware of the Tan Man!

This week has been one visit after another by window and HVAC estimators. Some have been pure salesmen, and others have been owners or actual installers. Let me tell you one thing..... DON'T trust the salesmen. Sure, some of them did know their stuff, but most of them are working on commission and do not take "we are not ready to sign today" or "we need to think about it", very well.

As I wrote in a previous post, we had the lovely experience of a very tired, cranky and BAD window salesman last week. When I told my friend J that I was considering still using him for some of the windows she said, "He's way too rude, and you would have to deal with him again, and you would be encouraging his horrid behavior." She's right, why should he get commission after he screwed up like that and made me angry enough to write about the experience. Plus, once we received estimates from other dealers, we were pleasantly surprised that they were all coming in around 1/3 of his price. Of course, it was a very different product, but the less expensive stuff is just fine for what we need. We haven't figured how who we are going to use for the windows, but we know who it isn't going to be!

And then comes our HVAC experience.

We live in Northern California, and not only is it lovely and sunny, where we live it gets down right HOT. Luckily it is mostly a dry heat, with the occasional humid day. The dead heat of summer will stay in the upper 80's to low 100's, and it doesn't always cool off much at night. Since we live in a 2 story townhome, and no western protection from the afternoon sun and very old windows, it gets very hot upstairs. Each day it never really cools off and as we get deeper and deeper into summer, it easily stays 80+ degrees upstairs. We do have central AC, but the unit is original which makes it 36 years old and inefficient as all hell. Plus, this place was built with very cheap materials, so you know they put in the bare minimum. Sure the new windows will help with the heat, but a new AC unit will certainly help keep the summer heat outside.

We have converted our upstairs 2nd bedroom into a very nice office for E and I. The office is clearly the hottest room in the house, and we spend a lot of time in there with our work. E wants to wait until we see what a difference the windows make, but I know it'll take 4-6 weeks to get a new AC unit installed in the middle of the summer heat, so I want to get it ordered now. He doesn't seem to remember last year, when he slept at least 3 nights a week downstairs where it was slightly cooler(and we that was a reasonably cool summer).

We've had 4 HVAC guys out here so far this week. We had 5 appointments, but one company didn't show up and claims they didn't have record of my call, even though I VERY distinctly remember their receptionist telling me I should ask a MAN, a neighbor, friend or my father, to be here with me because sometimes the technicians use industry terms that I may not understand. GASP! I admit I researched windows a whole lot more then AC units, but come ON! I am often more technical in the way of the home then E is, and he's a man of tools. Oh and I counted how many times she said AWESOME during my last conversation with her ... 6 times! Can't wait to see who they send out.

The first guy that came out was purely a salesman. He said that our furnace was at least 30 years old and we needed to replace the whole system. GULP! And, if we went with a lesser efficiency furnace, then we were required by the state to have our ducts tested and and sealed, which would be an additional $400. I noted that our ducting is all trapped in the ceilings and not accessible and that I understood this situation waived us from the testing. He said that wasn't true and the testing company knew how to deal with the trapped ducts. I asked how they would seal them without tearing into the ceilings? and he didn't know, but assured me that the $400 would cover that. Call me crazy, but drywall work to fix ripping into the ceilings would cost more then the testing fee. CLEARLY not a man that knows what he is talking about. He then proceeded to say we needed a 3 ton AC unit, to replace the 1.5 unit we have.... something not computing to you? YEAH, me too. Anyway, he wrote up his nice estimate, was SHOCKED that we were not ready to sign, got visibly irritated, and then scooted on his way. Now I ask you, how many people sign up for a $5k purchase right there on the spot, after CLEARLY stating that they were expecting something around $1-2k. Oh sure, we trust you Mr fake tan man (because no white man should every be that brown) with severely bleached teeth which do not hide the fact that they are totally crooked (just think of Ross' teeth bleaching episode). At the point of discussing the duct testing, I think I paid more attention to his teeth, and pondering how they could be so white with all of that shit passing through them.

The next 3 guys all came the next day, ALL of them were installers or owners of their company (and one was highly tan but obviously not fake shown by the non-tan wrinkles and the Pebble Beach shirt). Each one looked at the furnace and said something along the lines of, 'Oh, you have a really new furnace! That's great because then you just need to replace the AC' and 'You have a 1.5 ton AC unit now, so I'd recommend the same or maybe a little stronger. 2 tons would be plenty to keep you cool, even upstairs' and the kicker 'Take your time on your decision, that price is good until the end of the year'. PLUS their estimates were even cheaper for the exact same equipment the first guy was pushing. OH, and they each recommended getting at least 3 estimates, and to take our time. One guy said to stay away from the companies that took out the full page ads because they tended to upsell you stuff you don't need, and another said to look at the estimator's hands to see if they have every done the work they are selling.

So sum it up.... I'm gonna be broke soon, but I'll be coooool and comfy, and wiser to the in-home salesman.

Loved it then, Love it now

I suppose this is my official moment of getting sucked into the blogworld of tagging and MEMEs and lists of shit, so here goes...

Miss J wrote a Thursday Thirteen about songs she loved back in the day but is embarrassed to admit to now. She tagged me and I admit I wasn't going to do it, but then all the names of songs and memories started flowing.

I had quite a list, and had to narrow it down to these 13. Mostly, I'm not embarrassed about loving these songs then or now, but most of the embarrassment comes from the image of me singing them over and over and over again, and who I was heart broken over at the time.

1. More then Words [Extreme] Oh yea... don't tell me, SHOW me you love me. And to think, MEN sang this song! Who knew they knew that love was more then words. Oh wait, I forgot.... it's not just words, it's SEX.
   
2. Sailing [Christopher Cross] Takes you away, don't it?
3. Total Eclipse of the Heart [Bonnie Tyler] You know you know every single word too. Well except maybe that one part about something something the end of the night, something something something, more, I really need your tonight...
4. You're the Inspiration [Chicago] So young I was, and yet so sappy already
5. Everything I Do [Bryan Adams] CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED to this one. This was my James' song. (What? didn't you have a song for every boy you liked? and the moment you hear it, it takes you back to your bedroom while you sang the song over and over again, occasionally shedding a tear?)
6. Right Here Waiting [Richard Marx] My first concert. I can see it now, the lights go out, a blue spotlight comes on in the middle of the stage, this song starts to play, and there he is, Richard Marx at a grand piano, rising from the middle of the stage. Do you see it too?
7. All That She Wants [Ace of Base] So many people seemed to hate Ace of Base, but not I. I was hooked so fast. I don't know if its the ABBA like group make up, or if I'm just a sucker for a catchy toon.
8. Make It Real [The Jets] And this was Rob's song. A completely unrequited crush in 8th grade (who of course then went out with my best friend in high school)
9. Hold On [Wilson Phillips] Wilson Phillips opened for Richard Marx at my first concert. This was an inspirational song, for those HARD early teen years.
10. BFrom A Distance [Bette Midler] I love Bette, and no I'm not ashamed to admit it, I love Miss Streisand too. I am apparently a gay man at heart.
11. From This Moment On [Shania Twain & Bryan White] Sappy, Money making wedding song. I hate it when songs are obviously purposely produced to be money making wedding songs. Yet, I still totally fell for this song and used to belt it out in the car.
12. I'll Be Loving You (Forever) [New Kids on the Block] High pitched, pre-puberty, boy seeing about loving you forever. Like he knows! But can't you hear the feeling and pain in his voice? I know I did! I LOVE YOU JOEY!
    
13. I Adore Mi Amor [Color Me Badd] OH YEA I WENT THERE! Do you see the Green, Yellow and Black block colored shorts, and the funny hair? The use of the sexy French words made this one come up above their other hit "I Wanna Sex You Up!"

Apparently I can't count, because even my shortened list ended up being 16 long so I had to still delete a few more. So many memorable songs. So many embarrassing crushes. I truly do pair years of my life, with who I was with/liked or had a crush on, and the songs I secretly sang to them.

Penguins

My brother pointed me to an online game called Spaced Penguins*. Apparently, there is a Christian cartoon called 3-2-1 Penguins! about two young kids and four "out-of-this-world" penguins, exploring the galaxy while learning important, Bible-based lessons and values along the way. It is produced/distributed by the same people that do Veggietales, BigIdea.

Yes, yes, yes. It sounds very "nice" and for little kids, but this game is so fun. They have a number of games on the site for different aged kids with characters from 3-2-1 Penguins!, VeggieTales and LarryBoy (apparently another wholesome video), but Spaced Penguins is by far my favorite, and probably the most difficult. You have to slingshot one of the penguins through space to get him back to his ship. Some rounds there are planets in the way so you have to account for their gravitational pull to get him around the obstacles (the bigger the planet, the greater to gravity). The goal is to not only safely get the penguin to the ship, but to also take the longest route (so getting stuck in an orbit is a good thing as long as he will eventually collide with the ship). Your score is calculated thusly:

Distance taken to get to the ship x Level# / # of tries = Score

Try it out, or have your kids try it out. You might get hooked (so don't try it at work). E was playing it until 11pm last night.


* Macromedia Flash and ActiveX controls are required to play

Weekend in Review

Since I started this blog as a public journal (why people want to journal publicly I still don't totally know), I suppose I should jot down some updates from the weekend, instead of focusing only on the weekday (per J's example). Don't worry, next time I'll try to be more brief.

Last week I left you with the woes of home projects. Luckily this weekend included none of those!

Friday night...
I started the weekend off right with an evening with my friend Liz, where we got our piggies all done up at a new nail salon that opened up by her house. Much fancier then any I had been too. I don't get pedicures often enough to know the industry standard, but this place was the first where I experienced the Pedi-spa massage chair. Imagine a warm whirlpool spa for your tootsies, and a loungy massage chair for your achin back. They were a little understaffed for the walk-in crowd, but we simply got some dinner, and then came back. I think they did a pretty good job (although there was an action/suspense movie playing on their plasma TVs which wasn't so relaxing). More over, it was fun to relax and chat, plus the price was right ($20 plus a 20% discount - don't know where the discount came from, but I'll take it!).

Saturday...
On Saturday morning, we totally slept in (Ahhhh!), and then the HOA recommended plumber came to give us an estimate for the new water heater and replacing the main shutoff valve and hose bib. He was VERY fast, he was in and out and I had a very reasonable estimate in my hand (HE's HIRED!). Later in the day I went to get my hair done, but the silly appointment making people didn't schedule me for highlights, so I just got a cut. Cheaper, but not what I was hoping for. I waited 2 months to get a Saturday afternoon spot with my girl, and now I have to go back on a weeknight to get the highlights. Grrr. But she did a great job. And she is very careful to get everything right. She styled it, and played with a bunch of products to find what would work well with my finicky hair (taking into account what I already had at home - she wants to get product sales, but is very honest and reasonable). So now... I have BANGS! Long bangs, the kind that sweep to one side. I've had them before (after J got them because I want to be her), but then I let them grow out. And now they are back, a little different, and I think more fun.

That night we putz about, did laundry and some general neatening and grocery shopping. I chatted with my buddy Jon who was in town visiting family and we made plans for Sunday. Then I made the ultimate dinner (which I had never had before but have fantasized about), Fondue. I baked off some really nice sourdough, and steamed broccoli, and made fondue with garlic, beer, water, lemon juice, Emmentaler, Fontina, and random leftover cheeses. It was very nice, and I tried to be good and not eat too much. We enjoyed the CHEEEEESE and munchies while we watched Ice Age (slow beginning, but still made me cry at the end). I didn't know anything about the movie before we watched it, so it was a surprise.

Sunday....

Started off with a hike with E and Jon at 8 freakin o'clock in the morning. We hiked a 2 mile loop that E and I used to do daily to keep in shape for Backpacking in Yosemite. It has a number of steep hills, and then a gentle ending through a wooded area. I knew I was out of shape, but golly! My ass, hips and calves are sure sore today. After the hike we met up with Jon's family for a lovely brunch at a local Mexican restaurant, La Pinata. Yummy! Since I had hiked, I splurged and got Chirozo and Eggs. Yummy and not too greasy (but way more chorizo then eggs). I was good and didn't eat it all. It was pretty cheap and the portions were HUGE (let's just say that E couldn't come close to finishing his Carnita Fajitas). My mom came over after lunch, and while I worked on some computer work for her, she and E had some Ice Cream and visited (I like that he visits with my mom). Then we finished the afternoon with a roaring game of Upwords (mom loves the games).

Sounds like a fun day so far but wait! E took a nap and had some work he had to do, so I went to run errands. Among the errands, I needed to go to the mall to get some eye cream. And then the mall sucked me in. First I bought more then eye cream at Origins. And then on my way to Gap to look at jeans, Ann Taylor called to me. I bought a skirt which I love, that was NOT ON SALE. Then on to Gap, where I bought jeans (that don't hug to tight and do not come in at the knees too much just to flare out too far). They aren't perfect per Stacey and Clinton standards, but pretty good for $30 jeans, baby steps (oh and one pair was on sale for $19). I bought many tops but will be taking some back after a fashion show with E. We picked out the colors that really worked the best for me. And then I found an H&M in our mall, they were closing soon so I did the unthinkable of grabbing stuff that was cute, knowing most of it would have to be returned. Only one top survived the cut. I finished the shopping up at Target, and got EVERYTHING on my list. Phew! All that in 2 hours.

I'm saying that was a good weekend (minus not being able to sleep last night). I felt motivated, and didn't get stuck on the couch for extended periods of time.

Next weekend - an all day alternative rock concert in San Jose with some great frieneds, followed by a day of recovery. Maybe I should ask for Monday off now?

Joys of the Window Salesman

One of our current house projects is to replace the windows. About a year ago, I called a local company that I used to deliver coffee to in my coffee slinging days. The owner himself came out to do the estimate and was very honest and informative. He told us that the windows that he carries were higher quality then what I would probably want, but he had some install techniques that would bring down the cost. Overall, the price was still too high, so he broke down the project into 2 more manageable projects, but ultimately we decided that we live in a cheaply constructed townhome and we'd rather put more money into the kitchen remodel then the windows.

Since we would like to replace the AC this summer, we thought we'd dig up the window project again because what is the point of a new AC unit, if the windows are letting in so much heat. I contacted a contractor finding service to give me the names of some reputable companies. They sent me information on 3 companies. One of them contacted me the same day, and we set up an appointment for an estimator to come out the next day (yesterday). While on the phone with this company, I told them that I was looking for low budget windows and the lady said they were actually much more high quality, but she suggested that for my comparison shopping I should have some estimates from a variety of quality levels. So I went ahead and booked the appointment.

The guy was 30 minutes early, which was fine. He was VERY friendly and informative. He was rather disorganized though, and we were his last call of the day so he was obviously tired. He went through his pitch, and about 45 minutes later he took measurements and wrote up the numbers. Since I had already had an estimate with a comparable company, I was prepared for a high number, and one that I wasn't ready to pay (still didn't rob a bank yet). The estimate was $12,100 with a 20% discount, for 5 windows and a patio door. They offered an awesome financing agreement with 0% interest for 12 months with 0% down.

He excused himself to call his wife (we had already heard his sob story about his time being worth a lot because he has a kid who needs a quality education and that's why he does this for a living, blah blah blah, needs more time with his kid and his wife, lives in Brentwood, cry me a river already! Eric and I agreed that the windows were beautiful, and the piece of mind of the 10 year transferable warranty was great, but we needed to evaluate the budget because we didn't estimate that much freakin money!

When the sales dude came back, he asked what we thought. I said that the financing option sounded really nice. Suddenly he was on the phone with the creditors and then handed me the phone to start my application. And I was like... WHOA! I said it sounded nice, not that I wanted to do it. And then the weight of his life and his day fell on our kitchen table. He takes the phone from me and tells the nice lady, "Nevermind, she doesn't want it anymore." And then he glares at me. Tells me he doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to buy them if I like them. He starts getting really kurt and angry. I thought he might start crying or yelling, or both. I told him that I'd like some time to think about it, because it was more then what we were wanting to spend. He said he'd give us until next Tuesday to get all the discounts, because he likes us (my ASS, it said right there on the paper from corporate that those numbers were good until next Tuesday). I said that if we decided to work with him, that we'd give him a call. And he said..."But then I'll still have to come back out here and spend more time writing it up, when I could just do it right now". (Soooo loosing points, and decreasing the likelihood that I wanted to give him the freakin sale!) He kept saying he didn't understand, and he quickly packed up all of his shit and scooted out of there. I almost yelled at him to get out of my house (which I did say after he was in his truck).

Even 2 hours later, I would randomly yell... THAT MAN! His sales technique did not bode well for me wanting to call him back. You'd think that after 15 years of him being in that business, that he'd learn that some sales calls do not sign on the first visit, and that getting angry with them does not increase his odds of signing the job later or gaining referrals. We are still considering calling the ASS man back (thanks Dot for your ASS term), but maybe not doing the whole job with him. We might cheapen out on the patio door install (his quote was $6500 for that door alone).

I love being a homeowner. (I know its been 3 posts in a row about the house. Hopefully something non-house related will happen this weekend so I can break the bitch routine)

Fun of home ownership

I am truly happy to be a home owner, even if I own a shared-wall townhome in a crappy area with 250+ units, who's HOA spends upwards of $110k every year on landscape and pool maintenance, while there are freakin weeds growing on the roofs due to poor drainage and tree debris decomposing and giving the weeds a healthy soil in which to sprout! - oh yea and about 20% of the attached shed roofs are leaking and have been for the last year and the management continues to put notices in the monthly newsletters that they are still accepting estimates to replace the roofs. Accept one and fix the shit already before the water damage of the sheds, rot out the wall of the kitchens they are attached to and puts people out of their homes. (ok, I got that out)

This past long weekend, we were chatting with our shared-wall neighbors about water damage from both of our various water leaking issues. We contacted each other this weekend because we both noticed some water in our shared-wall sheds, which house the water heaters. We had a little water on our side, so I thought it was our drippy main shut-off valve (which I've avoided replacing), and they thought it was the same since they knew I had been avoiding it. Once we each got all of our stuff out of our sheds, we found the real damage and cause. Their water heater is leaking. Joy that I don't have to take immediate action, but SUCKY, because both of our shed's drywall is wet and moldy. Unfortunately I cannot pin our drywall repairs on the neighbor, as we have both had our own water problems and there is evidence of previous owners having similar issues and them painting over the mold to hide it, so we knew we had to take care of our own mold issues. Freakin previous owners.

The boys (E & neighbor dude) started the task of removing the moldy drywall. What fun it is to be a boy. I went upstairs to the computer to start researching plumbers and prices of water heaters, because if we (I'll help eventually) are going to do all of this work making the drywall all pretty again, then I don't want to run the risk of our water heater deciding to fail a week later. It's 16 years old now, and way inefficient (doesn't help that it's outside!), so I have been thinking of replacing it soon anyway. I'll get that done along with fixing the leaky main shut-off and a hose bib against the house.

Neighbor dude got his water heater replaced yesterday, and sadly, the set-up we all have is not to code (they were sitting on the ground), so they had to pay to have a platform put in, and new vent ducting, and then of course the old connections no longer reached so all new copper was put in. I looked at the work he had done, and it don't look pretty. He wasn't expecting so much labor, so he was annoyed (home warranty only paid for the hot water heater). But now I know what to expect. Sigh.

Along with the plumbing repairs and new water heater project, the other 2 big ticket items that I want done before the true Northern California heat gets here, is a new air conditioner compressor unit (that boxy thing that goes outside), and new windows. No, I'm not loaded, nor did I recently win the lottery or rob a bank, but these are things that need to be done soon, so why not now. There is no way I will ever have enough cash on hand to take care of all that needs taking care of in that house, so I might as well support the creditors and live a little more comfortably.

The first window company comes out tonight to give us an estimate. Weeeee

Horizontal Surface crap magnet

• Coffee table - covered in mail to go through, mail to shred, mail to recycle, mail to read, mail to mail
• Entertainment Center top - contents of E's pockets at some point in the last 6 months, Netflix DVD's (been there since March), bowl of keys and change, books and magazine that can't fit on the coffee table because it's covered in mail
• Kitchen Table - fruit bowl is the only thing "allowed" but alas I'm sure there are a pair of pruners, a backpack, baking ingredients I didn't put away, and other random stuff that comes in the door and finds a home on the table.
• Kitchen Counter - pantry items that won't fit (I love Costco, and you never know when you'll need a whole case of canned diced tomatoes), drying dishes (that have been drying for 2 days), and various kitchen things that are supposed to be there.
• Dresser - Eee-Gads! A sealed box of Christmas cards from last year. MERRY CHRISTMAS Everyone! Books, magazines, random papers that were important not to throw out for some reason, binoculars (for bird watching, get your head out of the gutter), travel toiletry bag over flowith with sample sized everything
• Office desk - not going there

Please help us! How do you find homes for all of the stuff? How do you stop the habit of putting stuff anywhere convenient? And when you do pick it up, how do you not just take the crap from a visible location, to a non-visible location. (say the attic, which is E's favorite solution for the mess).

This list has made me want to go home and clean. But this list also feels so overwhelming that I tend to not do anything to make it better. I used to think it was good to be able to see the big picture, but when it comes to the cleaning, it might be better to have tunnel vision so as not to get overwhelmed to the point of not being able to start.

How is your Horizontal Surface crap magnet?

House of Crap

Our home is full of shit. It isn't actual shit (even though the two large cats try really hard to make that happen), but at this point it's more like a large load of crap. We simply have too much stuff for our space. I feel like we have been in constant purge mode for years. Very little crap comes in, and lots of crap goes out, however it always feels like there is more and more to throw out. We have tried the 'Clean Sweep' technique of pulling everything out of a room or closet, and then going through it quickly with a time limit and putting everything into piles of Toss, Keep, & Give Away. This usually starts out with good intentions, but let's just say that my living room has been riddled with these piles for for over a month.

We had the idea that we'd go through the books and nik-naks in the bookcases and make a pile of books we were ready to part with. 6 bags of books to keep, 1 to go to the library. And most of the nik-naks? in the trash (sorry mom). So the 6 bags of books remain on the floor with a pile of frames with assorted pictures of friends I don't really speak to anymore. I can't seem to put the books back in the bookcase, because I really don't want the bookcase there, but alas.. there is no room anywhere else.

Behind the fluffy chair, were about 10 large frames of pictures and mirrors that we each had collected in our young adult years of freedom. Neither of us like each other's pictures, so they didn't find homes on the walls, yet we weren't ready to part with them yet. This pile of 10 is now a pile of 3, and is now leaning against the ottoman because we still don't really like them, but think they might be ok someday. UGH!

The same project hit the office, but that project had a lot more momentum. We got rid of almost all of the furniture (including E's sister's college futon and desk, which he fought and fought against parting with, and then finally realized that the space just wasn't working). Some went to the dump and some to a consignment store which sold the same day. We bought a new room encompassing desk system from IKEA, which gives us each our own workspace, plus room for E's drafting table. It looked GREAT! Until we realized that all of the office crap was now in the bedroom. ARGH!

And so the cycle continues.

Tune in next week to see if I stop stubbing my toes on the cheap $19 bookcases, piles of really old programming books and other computer junk on the bedroom floor.

Mmm Food

My good buddy, J, just posted about something many people struggle with everyday.

FOOD - the good, the bad and the feelings around it

I started commenting on her post and then realized that I was going to take up a whole page with my thoughts. I know I have a deep passion for food, but I evidentially can't stop talking about it too.

I love food.
Food loves me
Love = Food
Food = Love

I love to think about food, to talk about food, to think about talking about food, to plan events around food, to prepare food, to shop for food, hell I even love to eat food and to clean up after the eating and preparing of the food. (Good thing I'm in the computer security industry).

If I prepare food for you, it means I love and care for you. If I plan an elaborate meal and perhaps get a little stressed and excited about it, then it means I love you whole bunches. Likewise if you prepare a meal for me, then I feel the love and caring. And if you don't pass me that dish of fried rice that is next to your elbow and you can't see that I'm desperately wanting it, no matter how stressful of a day you've had or how emotionally bothered you are about something, I will feel that you don't care or are not seeing my need for the love (uh, I mean food).

I know that my deep emotional ties with food present issues and sometimes turmoil in my life, and I am learning how to separate the food and the love. I also know that my passion for food is not just about love, as I enjoy the science behind it as well. My connections with food and love will never completely be torn from each other. But I hope someday I will find a healthy balance.

Not white enough!

This country has become obsessed with white teeth. Of course we already know that our society is very judgey based on looks, and anything that makes you look "good" will sell. Who knows if all of those home bleaching kits are good for us, or if they really make a difference. They are certainly cheaper then the dentist doing it, but I've heard of some nasty side effects.

A few months ago I made an appointment to get my teeth whitened at a local BrightSmile "spa". They claim they will whiten your teeth in 1 hour, and they will look natural (no Ross glow in the dark teeth). I was so excited for my appointment because this was my treat to myself before I started my new job. E took some 'before' picture of my teeth so we could compare. I first went to have lunch with J, who said I should come by after the appointment so she could see the difference. After looking closely at my teeth (which was an odd experience to have a friend look that closely at your teeth), she told me I was wasting my money because my teeth were already white. I said, maybe I am but I think they are yellow and I wanna do it. So off I go to my appointment.

I filled out their 5 page form, and they took me straight back. I sat in a comfy exam chair and got to watch TV while I waited for the dentist. She talked to me about the procedure, and asked about my medical and oral hygiene history. Then asked if I had any questions or concerns. I told her I have been told that my teeth look just fine and was concerned if I was wasting my money. So she took out the tooth color scale thingy and showed me that I was basically 2-3 steps in from bleached white teeth, and that the current color of my teeth is most people's goal color AFTER they have the procedure. She told me that I wouldn't likely see much of a difference and that it was up to me. I decided to forgo my treat to myself and take the $400 refund.

So now I sit here chewing Trident White gum. I chew it everyday after my morning tea and after lunch. I don't know if it will whiten my teeth, but at least I feel like I'm doing something. My dentist won't be happy though, considering he told me I have jaw issues and shouldn't chew gum. Trade offs for the sake of looking good!! (Damn society)

Mmmm Gelato

Monday night Eric and I went to indulge in my craving for gelato. I swung by the house on my way home from work to pick him up, and we drove to downtown Walnut Creek. We enjoyed a Happy Hour dinner at the bar in Stanford's (CHEAP eats until 6pm and then again at 9pm until closing!), but our bill was still in the $20's because they have a drink minimum so my Ice Tea was $2.75 and Eric's beer was almost $5. We each had a Ceasar Salad ($1.95) which was sadly dripping in dressing, but at leat it was real ceasar dressing that was tasty. I also had a bowl of Cream of 5 Onion soup ($2.50), and he had a BBQ Chicken Quesadilla($3.50), and we shared the Spinach and Artichoke dip with tortilla chips ($2.50). All in all the meal wasn't great, but it was satisfying and I simply enjoyed the company and being able to enjoy dinner out with Eric on a weeknight while it was still daylight out!

After dinner, we went to the new gelateria. I love gelato, and this place claims to have authentic Italian gelato. I've never been to Italy, but I'm pretty sure I've had better textured gelato in North Beach, SF. But this place is still so fun. You can taste all the flavors you want, and they have so many fun flavors, like Nutella, Rose, Banana and the list goes on and on and changes all the time. They have at least 25-30 flavors everyday. They only use really fresh natural ingrediants and you can tell by the taste.

We both ended up getting sorbetto since we had such a rich dinner, plus Eric would rather have sorbet over ice cream anyday (he's a little fruity like me). I got my fill of rich gelato when I tasted at least 4 flavors (I don't remember what they were, the guy just kept going down the line handing me spoonfuls), and then I settled on Mango and Pineapple sorbetto. The Mango was a little much to eat a lot of it on its own. Imagine a really really ripe Mango, sweetened and concentrated. But the Pineapple was light and refreshing, so I simply scooped up each bite with a little of each. It was a perfect tropical treat. I couldn't eat it all so Eric had to help me, after he finished his Rhubard and Ruby Red Grapefruit sorbetto. That's right, Rhubard! It was so exactly like Rhubard in a sweet dessert. Sweet and sour, it was very interesting, and tasty.

So, yay! I got my gelato.

(No worries Liz, I'll still go there with you too and I won't force you to try the Canteloupe!)

Monday wants

Brief IM between myself and Tommy's Mommy.

Cherry: I want, a nap, gelato and to figure out what I want to do when I grow up and then do it
Cherry: thats not too much to ask for, is it?
Lizzie: ummm.
Lizzie: the nap might be too much.

office ratios

Is the ratio of men to women in an office directly proportionate to the cleanliness of the break rooms/kitchens?

Salad

Mmmm... salad.

I know there are some people out there that enjoy the bitter greens in their salad, but I'm not one of them. Complex flavor profiles; flavor contrasts; adds interest, BLAH! It's bitter and icky!

New Job! New Perks!

The perks at the old job were the best I had ever seen. Not so good for the girlish figure, but yummy to my tummy! (Daily lunch, free vending machine, espresso machines, popular sodas, fruit 2x/week, etc.)

I was very sad to leave the daily lunch benefit. You don’t realize how much of a pain in the ass lunch is when the only lunch worry everyday is making sure you order what you want by the daily cut-off time. Now I have to plan for lunch by either bringing it, wrangling people to take me to places, or (GASP!) going out on my own to find the good eateries.

At past jobs, lunch was the highlight of my day. Around 10:30am I’d start bugging my usual lunch buddies about what to do about lunch. If they brought theirs or where we could get a cheap bite, or do we want to venture out and have a real lunch. Lunch was easier to deal with when I worked in the SF financial district. All the great lunch places were there, from the cheap to the fancy and every type of cuisine you could ask for.

At the new gig, we aren’t really close to anything except Chili’s. I hear there is a Mollie Stone within walking distance up the hill by the GAP headquarters, but I haven’t explored that area yet. Maybe today I’ll go solo. I hear there is a tasty sushi place and a crepe place too.

Also, being the newbie on the block, I haven’t quite found my crowd yet. Sure I have some old friends that work here (what software job doesn’t come along without a referral?), but I don’t want these friends to feel like they have to include me in on all of their plans. I’d like to branch out and find some new buddies. I’m used to hanging out with a bunch of tech geeks, but this company is full of ultra-geeks and very highly dominated by the male gender.

Now about the perks that I have discovered…

• I didn’t loose out on the 2x/week fruit delivery, they have that here too (but its just Safeway Apples, oranges & bananas)
• Krispy Kreme doughnuts on Wednesday (and yes I have 2 at my desk now – ok now there is only 1) -- update -- doughnuts are all gone now and I just looked up the calorie count... 500 calories for the two of them. I guess I'll be walking to get a lovely salad for lunch today.
• Peet’s Coffee
• Good Tea selections
• Free soft drinks – and a HUGE selection of them
• Milk delivery every other day
• Bagel’s on Friday
• Beer Bash social hour on Friday afternoons
• Access to the business park’s gym & showers
• Dry Cleaning pick-up
• FREE PARKING – ok, some people don’t understand what a great perk this is, but after working in SF for 6 years, this will be a great $$ savings for when I drive to work
• Cool old school video arcade machine with every old timey arcade game you could think of - yes I am still a geek, just not an ultra-geek

But the ultimate benefit that only women can appreciate:

• FREE Feminine Hygiene products machines!

That’s right ladies, no more having to run back to your desk when you’re coming out of a 2 hour long meeting where you drank so much water to keep you entertained you think you might burst!

Ok, maybe not all of you can appreciate this, but this is a HUGE deal for me. Hehe

Brownies

This morning as I was driving to work I was thinking how odd it was that I was craving chocolate layer cake or brownies. You see, I'm one of those weird women that don't really crave chocolate. I'm more of a vanilla/caramel/fruity person, then a chocolate person. I always ate around the chocolate in neopolitan ice cream, and if a restaurant doesn't have caramel sauce then I'd rather skip the sundae all together.

Someone just put brownies in the break room. I don't know who you are, but THANK YOU!
Mmmm

Dooce Break

As I sit here, trying to remind myself that it’s Friday and it’s already considerably late on this first Friday at the new job, I needed a break from working on a project that I have little understanding of (seeing as this is my first week), so I took a little blog-break.

Thank you Heather (aka Dooce)! Thank you for being brilliant and timely, and putting an honest smile on my face. You are very inspiring. Now I know exactly what I will have for dinner!
http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/04_21_2006.html

Are there other Dooce groupies out there? I admit when we were driving across the country and we had planned a stop in Utah to visit some of the amazing parks there, the thought did come to mind that maybe we should drive through the town where she lives and we might see her. (I’m sick!) I have little interest in buying a map to the star’s homes when I am in LA, but I consider making a drive-by in a different state to catch a glimpse of a blogger whom I admire and adore? (Sick I tell you!) Thankfully I’m not sick enough to actually make it a plan or act on the thought.

I do like to think that I somehow have a close relation to her. I mean I am a really good friends with the cousin of one of her best friends. That’s right Ben, I am only friends with you to get closer to Dooce. I admit it.

Comment or Post It

Whoa! Once again, much time has passed by without posts.

Throughout the day I think of topics to write about, but then I don’t. Or I end up blathering on and on in a comment field on some unsuspecting blog. As I write these comments (which go on and on.. much like this post already), I think that maybe I should write a full post on this on my own blog, and link back to the blog I'm reading! But that would take more effort then I seem to have at the moment, so I just click submit on the comment and leave my blog untouched for weeks at a time. Silly me.

It's over

Phew! What a trip.

I am a bit bewildered by the last few weeks that just flew by.

2 weeks ago was my last week at my OLD job. It's over. Finally.
And in that last week, I worked harder and longer then I needed to by just about anyone's standards, but there was something in me that HAD to get things done. I worked a minimum of 12 hour days, including leaving at 12:30am on the last Thursday just to return for my last day at 8am. That night I had to do a couple loads of laundry and pack for a week long road trip which I was leaving for straight from my last day at my job. Needless to say, I got little sleep. And hence the absense of posts.

That last day flew by. Tons got done, and I think I left things as neat and tidy as I possibly could under the circumstances of the last year. However, I never got to send out my farewell email. I was supposed to meet my co-workers at a bar across the street at 4pm for my sendoff, but I was struggling to get things finished and my personal files taken care of. I was working on my farewell email and finally clicked SEND, but some unnamed power told "them" to shut down my access because I was supposed to stop working and go drink. I thought he was joking and assumed "they" would understand this to be a joke.

This email was very important to me because I didn't want to leave the people I worked with. I wanted to leave the company. I wanted to say goodbye and thank them all for their support, their time and their friendship, and of course pass on the customary personal info which most people never save or use, but it's nice to think someone might want to connect with me at some future date and not via the company global address book.

I CC'd my personal email account, added all of the people I wanted to send it to and clicked SEND. Then shut down the laptop, handed it to IT and out the door I went, luggage in hand to grab a beer, get/give hugs and run off to SFO to fly to Pennsylvania.

I didn't check my email until days later. I thought it was odd that I didn't get any emails from people at my personal account. Then realized that I didn't get the farewell email I had CC'd myself on. I contacted the-best-teammate-a-person-could-ask-for, who is also the person that made it the hardest to leave, and he said he didn't get it either.

Those bastards!

Kick me in the pants why don't you.

Maybe they didn't actually shut it down, but instead it got lost in the wonders of the ethers. Who knows.

This may sound like nothing to y'all and that I should get over it (and I will now that I've written this -- blogging = therapy), but damn I'm glad I'm outta there.

Tonight we had a wonderful dinner at one of my OLD co-worker's homes with his wife, and the-best-teammate-a-person-could-ask-for and his wife. They were wonderful and hardly talked about the company. Sure it came up, it's bound to seeing as that is the biggest tie we share. But they didn't tell me how the projects I was working on are going, or how my replacement is doing. Part of me wants to know, but a bigger part is working on the de-stressing project that is more on my mind. I haven't checked the company stock or website (although I hear it isn't doing well).
My manager at my new job (starting in one week) has already voiced his concern that I will have to deal with some separation anxiety. We seem to be very much alike in our work practices, and he shared some of his experiences with leaving jobs and really letting them go. He was very nurturing and I hope he can help me adjust my behavior to work in a healthy way. I think this new job will be a good fit, for the people and the work (at least for now).

My new personal goals:

• Learn to care about work but not let it in
• Work 8 hours/day
• Work effectively and efficiently
• Leave work at work
• Take breaks
• Breath
• Live

Wish me luck!

**Note** Posts about the vacation will be coming shortly. Until then, check out a sampling of the pictures at my Flickr account.

Don't fight the need to clean

Phone conversation with 'E' while driving home from work tonight.

E: "Have you made much progress?"
C: "What do you mean?"
E: "With your drive."
C: "Oh yea, I'm at the tunnel. There isn't much traffic at 8:30 at night" (The tunnel is about half way home and tonight it only took me 25 minutes to get home as opposed to the normal 1-1.5 hours)
E: "Oh my god! I gotta go clean the kitchen."
C: "Why?"
E: "So it will be clean."
C: "Well alright then."


What can I say? I'm not going to argue with a man who wants to clean the kitchen! And to boot! He had dinner waiting for me when I walked in the door. He knows how to speak my love language.

Emotional Breakthroughs in IM

This is an IM conversation between myself and 'E' (aka peeegon - I'll explain another day). A few discoveries were made that are pertinent to previous posts, also I noted that I hit the enter key WAY too often.

---

Cherry: I'm broken
Cherry: I'm totally totally broken
Cherry: I am afraid of love
Cherry: I'm afraid of being loved
Cherry: yet I need to be loved
Cherry: I worry about doing a good job because I need to be loved and wanted and needed
Cherry: OMG
Cherry: I'm so totally broken
peeegon: You're NOT broken.
Cherry: hehe
Cherry: ok
Cherry: not broken
Cherry: but I am not good
Cherry: I'm so not good
Cherry: I need this all to stop
Cherry: stop the worry
Cherry: stop the stress
peeegon: I LOVE you, and we will learn how to love eachother well and be loved.
Cherry: BTW - I have had so many breakthroughs today and this weekend that my head hurts
Cherry: it hurts a whole lot
peeegon: i'm sorry about the hurting. i can't wait to hear all about the breakthroughs when you're ready.
Cherry: of course I havent had any breakthoughs in how to fix this shit, but I've had breakthroughs in the roots of these issues
Cherry: thank you
Cherry: I do love you
Cherry: and I think I know how to do that, but I need to learn how to do it in the way you need it, but without feeling like I'm changing me
Cherry: and I need to learn how to let you in
Cherry: and to let you love me
Cherry: OMG
Cherry: you're right!
Cherry: I'm not letting you in
Cherry: I'm scared
Cherry: I guess its being scared
Cherry: I assume its being scared
Cherry: do you think i'm scared?
Cherry: HOLY CRAP!
Cherry: don't be pushed away by me being scared
Cherry: stay right there ok?
peeegon: yes, i will stay with you!!!
Cherry: by george! I think we've got it!
Cherry: I'm freakin scared of letting you in
Cherry: cause I never saw the freakin love with my parents
Cherry: my parents never said, I love you to each other
Cherry: to us
Cherry: to anyone
Cherry: when Dot used to tell me she loves me, I would get all squirmy
Cherry: but I've learned to accept the friend love
Cherry: I learned to accept the BF love
Cherry: but by golly! I dont think I know how to accept husband type love
Cherry: know what I mean?
Cherry: there is a difference between BF and husband love
peeegon: umm... i think i need clarification.
Cherry: BF love ends, its temporary
Cherry: BF's come and go
Cherry: but partner/husband love is forever
Cherry: that is freakin scary!
Cherry: does that help in the clarification?
peeegon: yes
Cherry: dont' be sad
peeegon: i'm not sad
Cherry: this is kinda cool
peeegon: i am very happy
peeegon: smiling big
Cherry: kinda can't breath though
peeegon: intrigued and hopefull
peeegon: excited
Cherry: Holy crapoly
Cherry: crapola
Cherry: thats what I meant to type
Cherry: crapola
peeegon: hehe
Cherry: although holy crapoly is funny too
peeegon: yes
peeegon: i can't wait to hear how you came to your breakthroughs and to hear more about them. i can't wait for you to come home to me!
Cherry: do you mind if I post this IM?
Cherry: this is an awesome discovery
Cherry: I want to share it
peeegon: i don't mind.
Cherry: and there is something about this IM that is funny and amazing at the same time
Cherry: I love you
Cherry: in a GF transitioning into wifey type of love
Cherry: oh god.. now I am crying

Worry

I just had a co-worker be very upfront with me, and I didn’t like it. I wanted to cry, so I walked away. I’m still on the verge of tears, and I want to know why?

I was telling her that I hope that I will be able to let go of my thoughts and worries about the projects I am working on when I leave this company (4 more days! Woo hoo!). And she asked, why would I not be able to? She asked why I think and worry about my job at night? That there must be some thing that I get out of it.
I don’t know why I worry so much. That the only thing I get out of it is very little sleep and lots of headaches and ulcers. She said that the projects I work on will live on without me (THAT pissed me off, because that is not what I was upset about). I don’t want to screw over my friends and co-workers. I already don’t like that I was not able to do a quality job here, and I’m not leaving things all nice and tidy. I remind myself this is a big reason why I’m leaving. I have low self-esteem and am constantly concerned with what people think of me and my work. When I leave here, I will no longer have the ability to fix anything. The project I am leaving will be the last memory people have of me. It may matter in my future, it may not. But damn it, I need them to still love me.

OH MY GOD! I do still have that worry. I had thought I had gotten past that need. (Dot I know you are laughing). I need therapy. Lots of it. But I don’t like facing all of these aspects of me. I don’t like feeling like I’m broken. Every time I realize there is something in me that is not a good trait, I feel broken and then I worry about it. I will stay up all night long worrying. Well, I don’t stay up, I fall asleep fast because I take Benedryl as a sleep aide, and because I likely didn’t sleep well the night before, but then I wake up around 1:30 and worry. Why do I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about whatever is stressing me out at the moment?

If it’s not about work, it’s about money, or how I hate our house, or the state of our relationship, or if I hurt someone’s feelings with a comment I left on their blog or something I said to a close or even not so close friend. I worry constantly about something. Something could be big or something could be small. Generally I think they are big at the moment, but I’m told most of them mean nothing and should let it go. So then I worry that I worry too much, or maybe not enough. I am in a constant state of worry.

One friend asked me today if I will be able to go into the next job without my pattern of stress and worry. I don’t know. I sure hope so. But she’s right; I’ve done this at every job, and about every aspect of my life. I need it to stop. I need the worry to end. My friends need my worry to end.

Hmmm? Worry. That’s a funny word. It sounds like whirry, like a word you would use to describe the actions of a blender. But no…a yummy smoothie, sauce or soup does not come from my worry.


*** and yes, when I wrote that bit about my friends needing my worry to end, I did worry about their response, cause I know there will be a response. AHHHHHHH. Is there a worry-be-gone pill?

Home Improvements

What is the best way to get motivated to do home improvement projects? Go to open houses to see what others have done. When you see how much they are able to ask for practically the same floor plan you have… you sure will be motivated to get down to home depot and get to that long list of “To Do’s” that have been hanging over you since you moved in.

That’s what we did yesterday. We came home from looking at the multitude of open house viewings in our town home complex, got out our list of all the projects we’ve wanted to do and started prioritizing them. Then we looked at the freakin’ cheap ass laminate wood flooring I bought over a year ago that is still sitting in boxes in our living room. Thought about returning it or selling it on Craigslist, and getting something of better quality. Thought about whether to replace or not replace the windows, the popcorn ceiling texture, and the kitchen cabinets.

We thought a lot.

Then I think we sat down on the couch, and suddenly it was Monday. Maybe next week we’ll think about it some more.

Me? Brave?

So many people have commented that I was brave to be so open and honest in that last post. Well this is who I am. Generally I leave this kind of stuff to those that ask. As anyone who knows me, if you ask, I will tell.

I’m curious if people feel that I was just brave to post something so personal for the world to see? Or is it that I was brave to post something that E would eventually see?

When I was debating whether or not to publish that post, I was most concerned for E’s feelings. I read and re-read it and decided that I wasn’t being overly harsh, and I was simply saying things the way I see them. He didn’t see the post as he doesn’t regularly read my blog, but I did ask him to read this one. I was so distraught by our therapy session, and we hadn’t really talked about it yet, so I wrote down my feelings. I felt better after I did as I was better able to process what was said.

Of course, E didn’t feel the same way. I told him I would take it down if he wanted, and he said he did. I asked why? And he said he felt mis-represented, and there were 2 spots that he was particularly upset about (the two points I said that some actions meant nothing to our relationship – he said they mean something, but not in an intimate way). This is fair because it isn’t a 2-sided blog. It’s me, my feelings, and how I interpret what happens to and around me. The point of my blog is to journal and to share thoughts and experiences. I thought I’d put it out there even though I knew it would light a fire or two. Maybe someone could give some advice, or some supporting words (and thank you all that commented!), and maybe others would find some level of comfort that they weren’t alone in their journey of learning to speak the other person’s love language. (Tracy, we’ve actually both read the book you recommended, a few years ago, maybe its time to pull it out again, Thank you for the reminder!)

So, here we are. We talked, I yelled, I cried a whole lot (to the point I was scared I was being filmed for some sort of crazy person documentary….so not kidding about that). We talked about me going on anti-depressants and the possible reasons why the passion goes away from time to time. We talked about my levels of stress, and the differences between how we view intimacy and closeness in a relationship. We are simply different people. But we are people with hearts full of passion, we are best friends, we help each other see new sides of issues and ways of life. We do truly love each other. We haven’t had the smoothest of relationships, but there is something that keeps us together. We communicate. We talk about this stuff. We don’t keep it bottled up (ok, sometimes it takes an explosion to get the cork to pop, but it comes out eventually).

Maybe we’ll marry, maybe we won’t. I will continue to be true to myself, and he to himself, but we WILL learn to hear, see and understand each other better and better each day.

Platonic

Last night we had a couple’s therapy session. This is the second joint session we’ve had in the last year. Generally we see the therapist individually to talk about our life challenges as an individual. We have gotten to a point in our personal ‘healing’ where it was time to do another joint session.

Not that anyone had the perfect childhood, we both happen to have parents that were in a loveless marriage (oh sure, there was love at one point or another, but not while we were around). Our parents handled this very differently, so we have also turned out very differently. Plus, we have the whole man vs. woman differences, so this makes our main battles quite difficult. The main battles are common, but they are getting in the way of moving forward and is effecting us on all levels.

#1 Issue – Sex
=====================
Of course there is the common woman/man difference – she needs to feel loved & safe in the relationship to have sex, he needs to have sex to feel loved & safe in the relationship. Conflict? Yes!
Our specific issues with sex? Some physical conflicts (TMI), some emotional baggage, and some just plain differences in needs and desire.

How do people manage to find their sexual matches out there in the world? Does everyone have these conflicts and they just deal with it? Do people not deal with it and hence have affairs? How do you have a happy and mutually fulfilling relationship with these issues?

In our session last night, E used a word that has not left my mind. He has used this word before, and he has described this feeling before, and it hurts every time he says it. He feels that we have a platonic relationship with occasional “benefits”. He feels that any interaction that I have with him that is something I could do with a friend (mind you I would not necessarily do these with a friend but he feels it is acceptable friend to friend interaction) means nothing towards our relationship. We feel very differently about our interactions.

If I make him the dinner he wants, or call him on the phone just to say hi, he feels that this is something you would do with any friend so it means nothing. For me, it means everything. Even kissing is not enough. It needs to be full-on making out with the intention of intercourse to mean anything to him.

If it’s not sex, or the interaction isn’t in a direct line with the goal of intercourse, it means nothing.

Which of course make him feel like I’m not attracted to him, which is NOT true. I don’t know what it is. I have had this pattern in relationships before, and I know I’m not the only one out there with this pattern. Lots of hot sex at the beginning, and then it pitters out and I just don’t have the need or desire except about once a month (hormones).

I feel that I have lost that passion for a number of reasons:

Emotional Baggage - past/preset mental crap that is hard to get past

Stress - Stress about work, stress about the house, stress about the possible lack of babies in my future, stress about money, stress about stress… you get the picture. Amazingly I have felt a lot less stress since I gave notice at my current job and finally made the decision about my next job (that was a very hard decision). I have been thinking about sex more, and have been wanting to get closer with E. I need to really manage this stress when the new job starts, because I cannot continue that kind of lifestyle as its not healthy for me or our relationship.

Hormones – I have often speculated that birth control pills are screwing me over in this department. I have tried a number of them and my libido is different on each one, but my libido was never higher then when I wasn’t on any. I’ve talked with my GYN about this for years and he keeps trying me on different doses and brands, but none really seem to do the trick. I also have trouble with incredibly heavy bleeding, break-through and bad cramps, so the brand/dose switching is also for those reasons. Recently he recommended that I start taking Fish Oil capsules to help with the stress and depression and just maybe the libido. He has also put me on continuous therapy where you only have your period once every 3 months. This may be good…. It may be bad. We’ll see.

Our possible biggest hurdle
Stalled out Relationship - this may be a big fat excuse or it may have some truth to it, I don’t know. Since our relationship has been in this maybe move forward, maybe end it state for so many years, I have a very hard time with the passion. But E needs the passion to feel like he wants to move forward. So I think I may need to just suck it up. Jump in. take the passion that I feel in my heart but not in other areas of my body, and make it real. We had a rough patch a few years ago when we broke up and got back together, and MAN the passion was amazing for a little while.

========================================================

I think we will have plenty to talk about on our week long drive.

Changes cont.

As some of you know the ‘IT’ I referred to earlier is that I gave notice to my current employer. I couldn’t say anything as management wanted to handle the announcement. Also, I generally try hard not to talk about work stuff here, but sometimes it’s really, really hard, and I just want to tell all the stories (good and bad), but alas I refrain.

On to the new and exciting happenings in my life.
I have accepted an offer to join another company. I will be taking 2 glorious weeks off between leaving here, and going there.
What is on the list of things we might do? Well we are still trying to figure that out. On the list so far:

• Hang out with friends
• Chill Time
• House Projects
• Cross Country Trip - Fly to PA and drive back Eric’s truck
• Resort Trip to Mexico or other Vacation destination
• Camping/Local Road Trips
• Taxes (newly added, Thanks Liz for reminding me!)

This is where we left the list last night when we were looking online at one way tickets to PA, and found it difficult to find anything reasonable in the best timeframe to get most of those other things done. However, I needed a little break from work and spent 5 minutes looking at flights today and found a one way flight to PA for $97each. The date is 1 day sooner then what we wanted originally, but we will just have to spend a day in Pittsburgh hanging out. E’s best friend lives in Pittsburgh so hopefully he’ll have some time that day and they can get in some good guy time, and I can get to know his new wife better. A bonus would be if we could crash with them so we don’t have to pay for a hotel that night. The flight is also a red-eye which E hates, but he’ll get over it. And the flight is also leaving the night of my LAST DAY! So the excitement of the day will be that much greater!

E’s mom flies into Pitt the next day from her trip to Nashville, so we will meet her at the airport and catch a ride home with her. She will be so excited. Then maybe we will spend a day with his parents, get an awesome steak at our favorite country steakhouse, Torillo's, and then on the road we will go. We should get home in 5 days from there, and that will still give us 8 days before I start the new job! Technically we could get home in 3-4 days, but I’ve never driven across country so we will likely take some detours and stop places to visit E’s friends. Maybe even catch the Grand Canyon. (Please send route and stopping point suggestions!!!!)

The catch in all of this…. I found the deal online while E was in class, so I haven’t run it by him. Y'all know how quickly those online airline deals are bought up, so I had to act quickly. Hopefully he will not be upset that I bought the tickets without consulting him, and will be just as excited as I am. I know, I’m taking a chance, but we have a couple’s therapy appointment tonight anyway, so he can yell at me there if he wants to.

Weeeeeee!

**Update: E was thrilled with the news and has already contacted his parents who may be even more excited then we are.

Changes

I can’t talk about it yet, but I DID IT!
I can’t say what I did, but IT’S BEEN DONE!

And magically, I finally slept through the night last night.

Good things are happening. Good things.
(then why am I still scared?)

Weekend recap

Late last week a friend asked me to make plans in April, and the thought of thinking out that far totally freaked me out. Hello… this is the planning monster, I love to make plans, and I couldn’t cope with this simple request. This is what I wrote back to her:

“Well I'm sorry girls, but right now I can't think about what I'm going to do in an hour, much less knowing about April. I'm a bit too stressed out to deal with much, outside of general hygiene and nourishment. Yes, I exaggerate, but I'm really not in a good place right now. So sure, a get together is needed, but I can't deal with the date picking thoughts. Yes, even that is stressing me out too much.”

Whoa! That scared me that I even wrote that!

So this weekend, I thought I should do a little me time and organize some stuff and meditate and go to the gym. But instead I played with my SIMs. Which of course I ran into a bug after 4 hours, and had to quit without saving. I hate it when there is a bug in the program where one of my toddler twins gets stuck in a wall and cries and cries because you can’t get him out to feed, bathe, change him or put him to bed. It was very sad to see him and to listen to the constant crying, and all the adults would go to him and stare at him with concern. But alas he was stuck. For anyone out there playing SIMs 2, do not give your toddler SmartMilk, and then put him in a high chair while he is still glowing. He will get STUCK! So sad.

No worries, I couldn’t feel like I wasted those 4 hours, I learned of a new bug, reported it, and knew not to do that again.

Then we ran some errands, and had dinner at Krispy Kreme. The sugar rush quickly passed and I napped on the couch for 5 hours, and woke up at 11pm, and watched the Discovery Channel with Eric until 2am. We watched a couple episodes of Dirty Jobs, I Shouldn’t be Alive, Stunt Junkies, and Survivorman. All very addictive shows. I’m telling you all… you must watch “I Shouldn’t Be Alive”. The situations are recreated so well, and the fact that the people that survived the situation are there, telling their parts of the story make it seem so real. Of course you can always figure out who survives and who doesn’t by who is doing the story telling. But it is so good. A little gross when people’s limbs are dying or infection sets in, but they always explain what is happening so well.

After our late night marathon Discovery Channel watching, we went to bed and didn’t wake until 10am on Sunday. Lovely!

On Sunday, we went for our weekly hour long walk where we get in some great conversation and get that heart rate up in the “Weight Lose Zone”. (wiggle that ass!) I don’t know exactly what we did for the rest of the day, but I know it included a long REI trip to return Eric’s $200 sun glasses that he wasn’t thrilled about and we bought ourselves some Winter gear on Clearance and a drive out to Vallejo to go to what was supposed to be this cool discount tool place. Eric thought I’d love it, because I like tools and house stuff, but this place was a CHEAP, POOR little store, full of CHEAP crap. I didn’t see any real bargains cause it was all crap anyway. He bought an axe and a rake and was excited, so it made the drive and the bridge toll worth it.

I think I spent the rest of the day working on my SIMs to have babies again without getting them stuck in the wall. At least I didn’t think about work all weekend!

New Benefit at Work!

A few weeks ago, the company I work for started subscribing to the FruitGuys to bring us 2 crates of fresh fruit every Monday and Wednesday. HOW COOL IS THAT?!

If you didn't already know, we also have free lunch delivered by waiter.com everyday (and we get to order our own individual orders up to $7.25/day averaged out through the week), multiple espresso machines, Pete's coffee and tea delivery, free sodas & juice, and free vending machines that are stocked with chips, hostess snacks, and all sort of other tasty treats. The vending company that brings the snacks and sodas, also bring us 10 gallons of milk every week (whole, 2% and nonfat), and now they have also started bringing us Clover Yogurt!

Now I knew we had it pretty good with the free stuff at work situation, but wooo hoooo!!! Yogurt!

Random Brother IM for the day

This morning I booted up my computer, and as soon as my YIM logged in, the below message from my brother popped up. Sometimes I worry.

Jacob: there you are...the press has been here for an hour...they want to know what you know about the robbery.

Jacob: madame president, what do you intend to do about the nuclear missles?

Am I depressed?

My therapist asks me about my level of depression and how it changes with each event in my life (which is every event from brushing my hair to dealing with work). I am a total see-saw, and sometimes I don’t really know how I feel sometimes because I tend to do a full-on crash and burn for a few minutes, and then put on my brave Happy Happy face and move forward. Other times I just sit around, feeling numb and do nothing. I never really feel “clinically depressed” as I see it, as I am still able to get up everyday and go to work, but on the weekends I sit around and then get upset that I’ve done nothing. I will watch TV until the wee hours of the morning, or my new favorite past-time of playing with my SIMs. I will tell myself, “turn it off now, its time to accomplish something in your life or go to bed!” and then I continue to sit there, mesmerized by the glowing box. Other times I will wake up all ready to go for a walk or the gym, and have ideas of all the things I want to get done that day, and then if one little thing happens to throw me off track (including sitting down on the couch), I'm stuck and find that I've done nothing for 5 hours.

This past Sunday I never showered or got dressed. I simply sat around in my PJs all day. Now granted, Eric was up all night puking with a migraine, so neither of us got much sleep so we were kind of useless the next day, but that is no reason to only accomplish 2 things all day, the feeding of the cats, and watching a ton of Lifetime movies (not a good thing for any level of depression!). I suppose I did try a new corn bread recipe too, but that SUCKED, so we were stuck with 2 loaves of sucky cornbread that was dry, dense, salty and greasy. I ate a ¼ of a loaf even though I didn’t like it, but it was food and I had made it, so I tried to suck it down. (BTW - Eric had 2 bites and put the slice back, so I tossed the lot)

People tell me at work that I look happy and that I’m a “ray of sunshine” (no shit, someone actually put that in my review). I swear I went into the wrong line of work. Now most of you know that I’m rather dramatic so you wouldn't be surprised, but if I can make people think that I’m happy and feel fulfilled, then I should be getting to wear the vintage Christian Dior dress on the shiny stage. I’ve grown accustomed to putting on a smiley face and just dealing with shit. And every once in a while I blow and have to talk about it (as any boyfriend, good girlfriend or anyone who has ever been my HR representative knows!).

I think this “dealing with shit” is adding to the way I am feeling. I need to learn to let go (which I’m getting much better mind you!). But I need to learn to really let go, not just for an hour or a day. I need to learn to not care… to a point. Oh hell. Just give me the drugs already!

Practicing my writing

A friend told me that one should write something everyday to improve their writing. She told me to write anything, whether it's a list, or a thought, or a quote or a full blown story. Just write. I don't know if my writing will actually improve, because no amount of writing will really improve my spelling and grammar, or will it? But it might improve the act of getting my thoughts down on paper (or the screen) in an interesting and cohesive manner.

I know I have not been great at posting very often, so I thought I'd take pictures and post those, but that has even waned. I no longer carry my camera everywhere I go.

I will often think of something to write about, but never take the time to write it. I have wanted to write about my battle with getting in shape and dieting and generally being more healthy; battle with depression; battle with hormones and maternal urges; battle of the sexes at home; the desire to get married; etc, etc, etc. I think about writing about my favorite shows on TV (which you must all start watching RELATED on the WB), or about movies or cooking, or just what I did today.

Too many thoughts coming at me too quickly, and I am moving too fast to take the time to write them down. So maybe this will not turn out to be a lesson in improved writing ability, but more one in taking time to reflect and de-stress. :-)

Namaste.

Memories in Food

On Tuesday night, I had an errand to run after work near Ghirardelli Square. On my way over there, I gave Eric a ring to ask about dinner. We chatted about how he had actually gotten out of the house and did a little grocery shopping (I swear we have been eating out almost day so the pantry and fridge were a sad site). So there was dinner to be had at home. But how often am I on this side of the city. So close to where Eric used to live (Pacific & Hyde). As I walked to my appointment I began to miss being in the city more or in generally getting out and living life away from the computer, television and the house I hate. Yes I work in SF, but down in SOMA where there is NOTHING. Here I am walking around, passing all of these awesome restaurants and clubs, and totally wishing we’d move to the city. I’m watching people walking arm in arm down to Marina Park, hearing the cable car cable wrrrr, and the occasional “ding ding”. It was so nostalgic.

When we first started dating, we discovered this small neighborhood Chinese restaurant about 2 blocks from his place, Sun Kwon. The food is wonderful, fresh, CHEAP, and fast! We used to eat there at least once a week. We’d split Won Ton soup with chicken and bok choy, and an order of pot stickers ($11). Sometimes we’d sit on Eric’s futon, with a wooden tray between us and gorge ourselves, or on warm late summer/fall nights we’d sit on the stoop enjoying the act of passing the container back and forth as we experienced the joy of the warm flavorful liquid and the best won tons around.

A few years ago I picked up our favorite dinner there and drove it home to Concord (at least 1 hour drive), and was amazed that everything was still piping hot. So I thought it would be fun to try that again. So I drove around the neighborhood for about 20 minutes, with no luck at finding parking (SOOOO not missing that part of the city!). There is a fire hydrant in front of the restaurant where I’ve seen tons of people park their cars to run in and pick up their order, but I’m a scared-ee cat. I saw lots and lots of spots where I would be half blocking a drive way, or in the red. But I didn’t risk it. Hell, I could ask Eric to call the order in, and I could drive around for 10 minutes, park illegally and grab the food while only being unlawful for 2 minutes tops! (Not missing the city anymore.)

I decided to forget the whole idea, when I found a metered spot on Polk (2 uphill blocks away), but I need a little exercise anyway. So Eric called in the order, I walked up the hill, and got us a warm, tasty memory. It was so good. And we reminisced of the dating, and the falling in love, and the clubs and all the fun we used to have. We decided to get out more and do more stuff. Who knew a cheap meal would bring about such change.

Another new toy!

For the first time in 17 years of working, I had President’s Day off!
Eric and I had a wonderful weekend, full of Olympic watching, South Park watching, friend hanging outing, Parent’s Anniversary Dinner having, and one very long “quick” trip to REI for some sale shopping. And as mentioned before… no SIM playing.

I wanted to go to REI to buy 1 thing. A Heart Rate Monitor. My brother has been trying to get me to buy an HRM for a while, telling me how it’s the only way to truly measure your body’s effort and capacity, blah blah blah.
If you read back a few months ago, I decided to torture my physical and emotional self by going for a gymnastics workout. This was a reality check for me. I am not 12 anymore. I am 31, and have a completely different body then I did when I was young, and athletic. I may like to think that I’m still athletic, but when I'm winded from climbing the 1 flight of stairs I have to go up at work, home and at BART, hello… that’s not athletic! I’m out of shape. I have been for years. I bitch about the pounds and the inches and about how the new jeans that I finally gave in and bought a size larger, are already too tight. But do I do anything about it? No.

I still eat crap:
breakfast – tea with cream and Splenda(that’s something right?) and a bag of Cheetos
lunch – salad (with bread and cheese of course!)
snack – Coke and Cheetos (I try to limit this to one day a week, well at least the Coke part)
dinner – anything I can make really quickly or we’ll go out

I belong to a gym, but I haven’t been since last year.

A few weeks ago I bought a pair of running shoes (my last excuse to not run). I’m going to start running!

About a month ago, we started our Sunday mornings with a brisk walk around the park by our house, and then I’d try to run around the park as far as I could go, and then walked around again as a cool down. I built up to running around the park 1 and a half times. Then the next couple of times we went out I’d say that I wanted to just talk, or I had a cramp, or some other excuse, and we’d just walk…briskly mind you.

Then I got the HRM. According to my calculated optimum heart beat rate range for loosing weight & building cardiovascular fitness, I don’t have to do much of anything. Cause you see… I’m that out of shape! I walk up the stairs at home and the darn alarm is going off that I’ve already topped out of my range. If you didn’t know, the more fit you are, the more you can do without increasing your heart rate. So the fact that I am winded at 20-some steps, tells y’all that I’m no teenager anymore.

So last Monday, I ran, walked, danced around the house for 32 minutes while keeping my heart rate in my “fitness zone”. That little piece of irritatingly uncomfortable plastic is a total motivator! It even yells at you if you haven’t exercised in 3 days.

Of course I didn’t pick it up again until this last Sunday (because 30 minutes of dancing around the house and walking up and down the stairs, can make a person amazingly sore!). I found that if I speed walked (yes with the swinging arms and the wiggly ass), I could keep my heart going at my optimum rate for weight lose and cardio fitness. So we walked about 4 miles, which took a little over an hour. Woo Hoo!

Let’s see if I keep this up. Cheer me on! I finally have something to write about.

Simulated Redo Button

This last weekend was a glorious long weekend - Hooray for dead presidents! And even though I had prior consent to go off and play in my world of SIMs, I never got around to it. They continue to miss me. But it's ok, because the last time I played, a whole bunch of stuff happened that I didn't want to happen, so I simply didn't save the game and will get to try again.

They have no idea that my really smart and highly paid 20-something woman died, her mother died, and her stay at home boyfriend was obducted by aliens, impregnated and gave birth to a beautiful green baby girl. The 8ish year old girl they had adopted joined the family, so the boyfriend was having to raise 2 kids, care for the dead girlfriend's ailing father, who was hitting on the nanny, and go back to work, while trying to educate himself to get promoted (which you need to have friends to do, and of course he has no time for that). REDO! That kind of challenge is just not fun anymore!

I may not have found the Redo button for my real life, but I've figured out how to simulate one in the SIM world.

What to write about?

Everyday I try to think of something to write about. Sometimes I think of these wonderful stories to tell and then never take the time to write them down. Other times I want to write some random thoughts, just to record a bit about what is going on in my life today, but then again don’t take the time to write them down and they leave my brain, never to be heard from again. I feel bad that I don’t post more often. My 4 adoring readers check in almost everyday (per my site tracking, I CAN SEE YOU!), and they are so wonderful to never complain.

The trouble is, I will not write about work, so there goes about 80% of my material. We all tend to write about what is happening in our lives (fictional and otherwise). Our thoughts. Our dreams. Our goals of the moment. Lately I’ve found that I am overly obsessed with the work part of my life and hence can’t write about what is going on in my head.

Maybe I’ll write about my therapy sessions (yes I go to therapy, so stuff it!). Sometimes I want to write about my relationship but something in me doesn’t think that is wise. Maybe I’m wrong, since only 4 of your read this and y’all know all about everything anyway. I had the thought of taking pictures of the things I see everyday, but that idea got boring fast because I do the same things everyday, and the scenery doesn’t change, nor is it exciting. How many of you really want to see more pictures of my cats, Eric, my drive to & from work, and the oh so boring view from my cube. As one person told me, it’s time to get a new view!

My SIMs miss me

My poor poor sims, are stuck in suspention. I haven't visited them for a very long time. Luckily I have Monday off, and am planning to spend some quality time with them. No worries, I already cleared it with Eric.

Mmmm See's Chocolate

This morning Eric jumped out of bed with my alarm and ran to met me in the hall. He had his hands behind his back with a big grin on his face. The first thought that popped into my head was the same one that you all thought. This thought quickly flew out of my head because I had explicitly told him never to propose on Valentine ’s Day.

He handed me a 1/2 pound box of See’s chocolate, hand picked by him. He knows my love of See’s chocolate runs very deep, and although I am not a big fan of Valentine’s Day (corporate, retail, Hallmark Holiday, Blah Blah Blah,) I am a HUGE fan of See’s chocolate. Note I said SEE’s chocolate. Not your everyday chocolate bar.

I quickly opened the box to see the selection of tasty treats he especially picked out for me. This is something he has been trying to perfect since we started dating. He got almost all of them right. Although the See’s Lady put in Dark Chocolate Bourdeuxs instead of Milk, BAD SEE’s LADY! The one tasty treat which wasn’t in my favorites list was a row of Milk Chocolate Chocolate Buttercreams. I adore regular Milk Chocolate Buttercreams with the Vanilla center.

This is the most endearing part of this valentines goal of his. Every year he tries to very hard to please me with this token of his love, and every year, he ends up with one buttercream that I don’t really enjoy. He even asked for the right kind, but when the lady asked him “Did you want the ones with the Chocolate or Vanilla center”, he panicked and switched up his response and said the chocolate ones.

Now don’t anyone of you even start to think that I’m complaining. This man went to the store and stood in a long line to get me my favorite sweets. I love him so, and will enjoy and savor every single one of those chocolates because they are little bits of his love.

I love you, LOVEY!

Another beautiful day

Although it took me an hour to get to this point in my commute. It's views like this that make the drive not too bad. Of course I try to ignore the obvious layer of smog, but just look at all that blue!

Thank goodness I work inside an office and don't have to be subjected to all of that uncirculated fresh ocean air!

Oh the weather outside is frightful

View from my cube. I do believe that is sunshine out there.

Look at it! All that glorious blue out there.

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN HERE?

Bad Place

Sorry all. I'm not really in a posting mood right now. I might be a bit absent for a little while. No worries, I just can't do it all right now. Check back for new pictures though. I think that may be a better media for expression right now.

Happy! Happy!

Offsite

Hello. You have reached the voicemail for Cherry. I am out of the office today, attending an our annual department planning meeting. We will be having lots of tasty food and getting to listen to a variety of interesting people speak about all the fun we have in store for us in the upcoming year, followed by a team outing dinner to Teatro ZinZanni. I will be well fed, but very tired tomorrow.

I'm sorry I have missed you, but please do leave me a message and enjoy the 100+ new (and old) pictures which have been added to my Flickr account.

Thank you and have a great day!

Diet?

I could drink the liter of water sitting here at my desk, but the can of Coca-Cola and Cheetos sounds much more tasty.

Trade Ya an Aria for Your Stuff!

A very cool article about my father was in the Contra Costa Times last week. I finally found it online. Unfortunately, the pictures included in the printed article were not included online. I've written to the author, Janice De Jesus, to see if I can get a copy of the photos and permission to reprint the article as it will only be on the Contra Costa Times site for a short period of time.

I am sad that the article does not mention that my parents actually met because of his desire to sing and to improve his voice. When my father came to the US when he was 14 years old, was when he was first introduced to western music (as he puts it). He fell in love with the opera. He would often sing while working, or walking to and from work & school, and would be told that he had a beautiful voice. Some people told him he should seek out professional training and this lead him to my mother. He was told of this woman who was the Minister of Music at a near by Presbyterian Church. He went to her and asked her to train him and she took him on as a private student. Eventually things moved beyond their lessons, and he proposed. Her answer, "Yes, but I can't be your teacher anymore".

I grew up in a house full of music. From my mom's piano, voice and organ lessons at one end of the house, and my father singing or whistling in the kitchen, to my brother practicing his trumpet & french horn and playing the radio & records. I hope my kids will be able to grow up in as musical of a household as I did. Perhaps we'll take off the headphones and share a little more music.