My therapist asks me about my level of depression and how it changes with each event in my life (which is every event from brushing my hair to dealing with work). I am a total see-saw, and sometimes I don’t really know how I feel sometimes because I tend to do a full-on crash and burn for a few minutes, and then put on my brave Happy Happy face and move forward. Other times I just sit around, feeling numb and do nothing. I never really feel “clinically depressed” as I see it, as I am still able to get up everyday and go to work, but on the weekends I sit around and then get upset that I’ve done nothing. I will watch TV until the wee hours of the morning, or my new favorite past-time of playing with my SIMs. I will tell myself, “turn it off now, its time to accomplish something in your life or go to bed!” and then I continue to sit there, mesmerized by the glowing box. Other times I will wake up all ready to go for a walk or the gym, and have ideas of all the things I want to get done that day, and then if one little thing happens to throw me off track (including sitting down on the couch), I'm stuck and find that I've done nothing for 5 hours.
This past Sunday I never showered or got dressed. I simply sat around in my PJs all day. Now granted, Eric was up all night puking with a migraine, so neither of us got much sleep so we were kind of useless the next day, but that is no reason to only accomplish 2 things all day, the feeding of the cats, and watching a ton of Lifetime movies (not a good thing for any level of depression!). I suppose I did try a new corn bread recipe too, but that SUCKED, so we were stuck with 2 loaves of sucky cornbread that was dry, dense, salty and greasy. I ate a ¼ of a loaf even though I didn’t like it, but it was food and I had made it, so I tried to suck it down. (BTW - Eric had 2 bites and put the slice back, so I tossed the lot)
People tell me at work that I look happy and that I’m a “ray of sunshine” (no shit, someone actually put that in my review). I swear I went into the wrong line of work. Now most of you know that I’m rather dramatic so you wouldn't be surprised, but if I can make people think that I’m happy and feel fulfilled, then I should be getting to wear the vintage Christian Dior dress on the shiny stage. I’ve grown accustomed to putting on a smiley face and just dealing with shit. And every once in a while I blow and have to talk about it (as any boyfriend, good girlfriend or anyone who has ever been my HR representative knows!).
I think this “dealing with shit” is adding to the way I am feeling. I need to learn to let go (which I’m getting much better mind you!). But I need to learn to really let go, not just for an hour or a day. I need to learn to not care… to a point. Oh hell. Just give me the drugs already!