Monday, March 27, 2006


I just had a co-worker be very upfront with me, and I didn’t like it. I wanted to cry, so I walked away. I’m still on the verge of tears, and I want to know why?

I was telling her that I hope that I will be able to let go of my thoughts and worries about the projects I am working on when I leave this company (4 more days! Woo hoo!). And she asked, why would I not be able to? She asked why I think and worry about my job at night? That there must be some thing that I get out of it.
I don’t know why I worry so much. That the only thing I get out of it is very little sleep and lots of headaches and ulcers. She said that the projects I work on will live on without me (THAT pissed me off, because that is not what I was upset about). I don’t want to screw over my friends and co-workers. I already don’t like that I was not able to do a quality job here, and I’m not leaving things all nice and tidy. I remind myself this is a big reason why I’m leaving. I have low self-esteem and am constantly concerned with what people think of me and my work. When I leave here, I will no longer have the ability to fix anything. The project I am leaving will be the last memory people have of me. It may matter in my future, it may not. But damn it, I need them to still love me.

OH MY GOD! I do still have that worry. I had thought I had gotten past that need. (Dot I know you are laughing). I need therapy. Lots of it. But I don’t like facing all of these aspects of me. I don’t like feeling like I’m broken. Every time I realize there is something in me that is not a good trait, I feel broken and then I worry about it. I will stay up all night long worrying. Well, I don’t stay up, I fall asleep fast because I take Benedryl as a sleep aide, and because I likely didn’t sleep well the night before, but then I wake up around 1:30 and worry. Why do I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about whatever is stressing me out at the moment?

If it’s not about work, it’s about money, or how I hate our house, or the state of our relationship, or if I hurt someone’s feelings with a comment I left on their blog or something I said to a close or even not so close friend. I worry constantly about something. Something could be big or something could be small. Generally I think they are big at the moment, but I’m told most of them mean nothing and should let it go. So then I worry that I worry too much, or maybe not enough. I am in a constant state of worry.

One friend asked me today if I will be able to go into the next job without my pattern of stress and worry. I don’t know. I sure hope so. But she’s right; I’ve done this at every job, and about every aspect of my life. I need it to stop. I need the worry to end. My friends need my worry to end.

Hmmm? Worry. That’s a funny word. It sounds like whirry, like a word you would use to describe the actions of a blender. But no…a yummy smoothie, sauce or soup does not come from my worry.

*** and yes, when I wrote that bit about my friends needing my worry to end, I did worry about their response, cause I know there will be a response. AHHHHHHH. Is there a worry-be-gone pill?


Autumn's Mom said...

Funny that you notice the "whirring". cherry whirring in the blender :) I am laughing. With you. You need sleep. You need lots and lots and lots of sleep. It's ok not to have everyone love you. Repeat that. 5,000 times. And call me in the morning.

taco taco

Tracy said...

Autumn's Mom is soooo right! I have a huge approval need too. (Sorry to keep recommending books, but "The Search for Significance" was a real life-changer for me. The chapter called "Approval Addict" really helped me out.) It was such a breakthrough for me to realize that not EVERYONE has to like me. All of a sudden a light came on, and I realized that if someone doesn't respond to me in a kind way, my reaction can be one of "Oh, well, too bad that person is that way" instead of "What did I do? Oh, I should have done this differently." I suddenly realized that I'm okay just as I am! Huge breakthrough!

J said...

Oh Cherry, you are just great the way you are. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. You do need sleep. And maybe some of these books Tracy is recommending might make good reading during the drive? Mostly you need to learn to relax and not care so much what people think about you. That would help you a lot, I think, in the stress dept. Easier said than done, huh? ;)