I just had a co-worker be very upfront with me, and I didn’t like it. I wanted to cry, so I walked away. I’m still on the verge of tears, and I want to know why?
I was telling her that I hope that I will be able to let go of my thoughts and worries about the projects I am working on when I leave this company (4 more days! Woo hoo!). And she asked, why would I not be able to? She asked why I think and worry about my job at night? That there must be some thing that I get out of it.
I don’t know why I worry so much. That the only thing I get out of it is very little sleep and lots of headaches and ulcers. She said that the projects I work on will live on without me (THAT pissed me off, because that is not what I was upset about). I don’t want to screw over my friends and co-workers. I already don’t like that I was not able to do a quality job here, and I’m not leaving things all nice and tidy. I remind myself this is a big reason why I’m leaving. I have low self-esteem and am constantly concerned with what people think of me and my work. When I leave here, I will no longer have the ability to fix anything. The project I am leaving will be the last memory people have of me. It may matter in my future, it may not. But damn it, I need them to still love me.
OH MY GOD! I do still have that worry. I had thought I had gotten past that need. (Dot I know you are laughing). I need therapy. Lots of it. But I don’t like facing all of these aspects of me. I don’t like feeling like I’m broken. Every time I realize there is something in me that is not a good trait, I feel broken and then I worry about it. I will stay up all night long worrying. Well, I don’t stay up, I fall asleep fast because I take Benedryl as a sleep aide, and because I likely didn’t sleep well the night before, but then I wake up around 1:30 and worry. Why do I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about whatever is stressing me out at the moment?
If it’s not about work, it’s about money, or how I hate our house, or the state of our relationship, or if I hurt someone’s feelings with a comment I left on their blog or something I said to a close or even not so close friend. I worry constantly about something. Something could be big or something could be small. Generally I think they are big at the moment, but I’m told most of them mean nothing and should let it go. So then I worry that I worry too much, or maybe not enough. I am in a constant state of worry.
One friend asked me today if I will be able to go into the next job without my pattern of stress and worry. I don’t know. I sure hope so. But she’s right; I’ve done this at every job, and about every aspect of my life. I need it to stop. I need the worry to end. My friends need my worry to end.
Hmmm? Worry. That’s a funny word. It sounds like whirry, like a word you would use to describe the actions of a blender. But no…a yummy smoothie, sauce or soup does not come from my worry.
*** and yes, when I wrote that bit about my friends needing my worry to end, I did worry about their response, cause I know there will be a response. AHHHHHHH. Is there a worry-be-gone pill?