So many people have commented that I was brave to be so open and honest in that last post. Well this is who I am. Generally I leave this kind of stuff to those that ask. As anyone who knows me, if you ask, I will tell.
I’m curious if people feel that I was just brave to post something so personal for the world to see? Or is it that I was brave to post something that E would eventually see?
When I was debating whether or not to publish that post, I was most concerned for E’s feelings. I read and re-read it and decided that I wasn’t being overly harsh, and I was simply saying things the way I see them. He didn’t see the post as he doesn’t regularly read my blog, but I did ask him to read this one. I was so distraught by our therapy session, and we hadn’t really talked about it yet, so I wrote down my feelings. I felt better after I did as I was better able to process what was said.
Of course, E didn’t feel the same way. I told him I would take it down if he wanted, and he said he did. I asked why? And he said he felt mis-represented, and there were 2 spots that he was particularly upset about (the two points I said that some actions meant nothing to our relationship – he said they mean something, but not in an intimate way). This is fair because it isn’t a 2-sided blog. It’s me, my feelings, and how I interpret what happens to and around me. The point of my blog is to journal and to share thoughts and experiences. I thought I’d put it out there even though I knew it would light a fire or two. Maybe someone could give some advice, or some supporting words (and thank you all that commented!), and maybe others would find some level of comfort that they weren’t alone in their journey of learning to speak the other person’s love language. (Tracy, we’ve actually both read the book you recommended, a few years ago, maybe its time to pull it out again, Thank you for the reminder!)
So, here we are. We talked, I yelled, I cried a whole lot (to the point I was scared I was being filmed for some sort of crazy person documentary….so not kidding about that). We talked about me going on anti-depressants and the possible reasons why the passion goes away from time to time. We talked about my levels of stress, and the differences between how we view intimacy and closeness in a relationship. We are simply different people. But we are people with hearts full of passion, we are best friends, we help each other see new sides of issues and ways of life. We do truly love each other. We haven’t had the smoothest of relationships, but there is something that keeps us together. We communicate. We talk about this stuff. We don’t keep it bottled up (ok, sometimes it takes an explosion to get the cork to pop, but it comes out eventually).
Maybe we’ll marry, maybe we won’t. I will continue to be true to myself, and he to himself, but we WILL learn to hear, see and understand each other better and better each day.