Monday, March 27, 2006

Emotional Breakthroughs in IM

This is an IM conversation between myself and 'E' (aka peeegon - I'll explain another day). A few discoveries were made that are pertinent to previous posts, also I noted that I hit the enter key WAY too often.

Cherry: I'm broken
Cherry: I'm totally totally broken
Cherry: I am afraid of love
Cherry: I'm afraid of being loved
Cherry: yet I need to be loved
Cherry: I worry about doing a good job because I need to be loved and wanted and needed
Cherry: OMG
Cherry: I'm so totally broken
peeegon: You're NOT broken.
Cherry: hehe
Cherry: ok
Cherry: not broken
Cherry: but I am not good
Cherry: I'm so not good
Cherry: I need this all to stop
Cherry: stop the worry
Cherry: stop the stress
peeegon: I LOVE you, and we will learn how to love eachother well and be loved.
Cherry: BTW - I have had so many breakthroughs today and this weekend that my head hurts
Cherry: it hurts a whole lot
peeegon: i'm sorry about the hurting. i can't wait to hear all about the breakthroughs when you're ready.
Cherry: of course I havent had any breakthoughs in how to fix this shit, but I've had breakthroughs in the roots of these issues
Cherry: thank you
Cherry: I do love you
Cherry: and I think I know how to do that, but I need to learn how to do it in the way you need it, but without feeling like I'm changing me
Cherry: and I need to learn how to let you in
Cherry: and to let you love me
Cherry: OMG
Cherry: you're right!
Cherry: I'm not letting you in
Cherry: I'm scared
Cherry: I guess its being scared
Cherry: I assume its being scared
Cherry: do you think i'm scared?
Cherry: HOLY CRAP!
Cherry: don't be pushed away by me being scared
Cherry: stay right there ok?
peeegon: yes, i will stay with you!!!
Cherry: by george! I think we've got it!
Cherry: I'm freakin scared of letting you in
Cherry: cause I never saw the freakin love with my parents
Cherry: my parents never said, I love you to each other
Cherry: to us
Cherry: to anyone
Cherry: when Dot used to tell me she loves me, I would get all squirmy
Cherry: but I've learned to accept the friend love
Cherry: I learned to accept the BF love
Cherry: but by golly! I dont think I know how to accept husband type love
Cherry: know what I mean?
Cherry: there is a difference between BF and husband love
peeegon: umm... i think i need clarification.
Cherry: BF love ends, its temporary
Cherry: BF's come and go
Cherry: but partner/husband love is forever
Cherry: that is freakin scary!
Cherry: does that help in the clarification?
peeegon: yes
Cherry: dont' be sad
peeegon: i'm not sad
Cherry: this is kinda cool
peeegon: i am very happy
peeegon: smiling big
Cherry: kinda can't breath though
peeegon: intrigued and hopefull
peeegon: excited
Cherry: Holy crapoly
Cherry: crapola
Cherry: thats what I meant to type
Cherry: crapola
peeegon: hehe
Cherry: although holy crapoly is funny too
peeegon: yes
peeegon: i can't wait to hear how you came to your breakthroughs and to hear more about them. i can't wait for you to come home to me!
Cherry: do you mind if I post this IM?
Cherry: this is an awesome discovery
Cherry: I want to share it
peeegon: i don't mind.
Cherry: and there is something about this IM that is funny and amazing at the same time
Cherry: I love you
Cherry: in a GF transitioning into wifey type of love
Cherry: oh god.. now I am crying

1 comment:

J said...

Wow again, Cherry. I was starting to worry that E might not appreciate having the whole conversation online for the blogging world to see...glad you checked with him.

Some pretty big breakthroughs there, huh? Amazing. The hard part for me would be, what to do about them. Sometimes just discovering the issues seems to melt them away, just recognizing them. Other times it takes a lot more work. I'm thinking of you, though, hoping it gets better SOON.