This is an IM conversation between myself and 'E' (aka peeegon - I'll explain another day). A few discoveries were made that are pertinent to previous posts, also I noted that I hit the enter key WAY too often.
Cherry: I'm broken
Cherry: I'm totally totally broken
Cherry: I am afraid of love
Cherry: I'm afraid of being loved
Cherry: yet I need to be loved
Cherry: I worry about doing a good job because I need to be loved and wanted and needed
Cherry: I'm so totally broken
peeegon: You're NOT broken.
Cherry: not broken
Cherry: but I am not good
Cherry: I'm so not good
Cherry: I need this all to stop
Cherry: stop the worry
Cherry: stop the stress
peeegon: I LOVE you, and we will learn how to love eachother well and be loved.
Cherry: BTW - I have had so many breakthroughs today and this weekend that my head hurts
Cherry: it hurts a whole lot
peeegon: i'm sorry about the hurting. i can't wait to hear all about the breakthroughs when you're ready.
Cherry: of course I havent had any breakthoughs in how to fix this shit, but I've had breakthroughs in the roots of these issues
Cherry: thank you
Cherry: I do love you
Cherry: and I think I know how to do that, but I need to learn how to do it in the way you need it, but without feeling like I'm changing me
Cherry: and I need to learn how to let you in
Cherry: and to let you love me
Cherry: you're right!
Cherry: I'm not letting you in
Cherry: I'm scared
Cherry: I guess its being scared
Cherry: I assume its being scared
Cherry: do you think i'm scared?
Cherry: HOLY CRAP!
Cherry: don't be pushed away by me being scared
Cherry: stay right there ok?
peeegon: yes, i will stay with you!!!
Cherry: by george! I think we've got it!
Cherry: I'm freakin scared of letting you in
Cherry: cause I never saw the freakin love with my parents
Cherry: my parents never said, I love you to each other
Cherry: to us
Cherry: to anyone
Cherry: when Dot used to tell me she loves me, I would get all squirmy
Cherry: but I've learned to accept the friend love
Cherry: I learned to accept the BF love
Cherry: but by golly! I dont think I know how to accept husband type love
Cherry: know what I mean?
Cherry: there is a difference between BF and husband love
peeegon: umm... i think i need clarification.
Cherry: BF love ends, its temporary
Cherry: BF's come and go
Cherry: but partner/husband love is forever
Cherry: that is freakin scary!
Cherry: does that help in the clarification?
Cherry: dont' be sad
peeegon: i'm not sad
Cherry: this is kinda cool
peeegon: i am very happy
peeegon: smiling big
Cherry: kinda can't breath though
peeegon: intrigued and hopefull
Cherry: Holy crapoly
Cherry: thats what I meant to type
Cherry: although holy crapoly is funny too
peeegon: i can't wait to hear how you came to your breakthroughs and to hear more about them. i can't wait for you to come home to me!
Cherry: do you mind if I post this IM?
Cherry: this is an awesome discovery
Cherry: I want to share it
peeegon: i don't mind.
Cherry: and there is something about this IM that is funny and amazing at the same time
Cherry: I love you
Cherry: in a GF transitioning into wifey type of love
Cherry: oh god.. now I am crying