Whine Party

Today I took a half day off from work as I had scheduled a fun fun GYN procedure in the afternoon. I knew it had the potential to be upsetting, painful and that I very well may want to crawl into bed for the rest of the day.

GOOD THINKING!

Today I had a Saline Sonogram. It isn't super invasive and the uncomfortableness isn't long lasting but it still sucked! This procedure was to look into the insides of 'lady land' to see the reason for the multiple miscarriages. I had a myomectomy 1.5 years ago to remove 2 large fibroid tumors from my uterus which could result in scaring and I also knew that I could have fibroid regrowth. This procedure would hopefully give us a clearer picture as to what is going on in there today.

Many of you ladies who have had early ultrasounds during pregnancy or who have had other reason to look into lady land, are familiar with the not so fun transvaginal ultrasound. I've had lots of these thanks to having fibroids and an ectopic pregnancy and all the fun around those beauties. This sonogram is like that one, but they also insert a catheter and fill you up with saline so they can see a contrast. Basically you expect some cramping and discomfort. Which yea... sucked and I totally should have listened to the advice the great Internets gave me which was to take pain meds ahead of time.

The thing that isn't sitting well with me was the infertility clinic NP who performed the procedure. My doctor had planned on being there but was out sick today. Since my doctor wasn't there the NP asked me for my history so she knew what she was looking for. She seemed shocked at all I'd been through which didn't sit well with me that she was unaware of my case. She didn't explain the procedure and just started.

TMI alert!

#1 - the speculum was too big and she was ROUGH! Let's just say I am still uncomfortable. I've had painful experiences with the torture devise known as the speculum, but this was ridiculous pain.

#2 - The pain around the filling of the uterus was expected from my internet reading but I am still in shock that she didn't explain anything. I mostly felt terrible for Eric as he sat by me wincing every time I made a peep. I am generally a very quiet patient with a high pain tolerance but I could not just lay there today.

#3 - I was already upset about the potential outcome of this procedure because while this would hopefully give us some answers to the miscarriages, this would also tells us the next steps which could include surgery to remove more fibroids and/or scar tissue. So as she was pointing to things on the screen and saying 'that looks like scar tissue', 'there is a fibroid', 'there is another fibroid' , she suddenly said "OH! Look at THAT!" which you never want to hear while in such a precarious position. Those ultrasound images are hard to read if you don't know what you are looking at (I include myself in the not knowing crowd), but then she said "it looks all spider webby in there!", which of course I can't see but ok, that doesn't sound good. She said based on my history she is thinking it is scar tissue from the surgery but my doctor will have to do a hysteroscopy to know for sure (basically sticking a camera all up in my business to see more stuff).
My general opinion is that this kind of news, especially in an infertility clinic, should not be delivered in such a manner and fully feel that if my doctor was there that this experience would have been different.

#4 - When we talked about the ectopic pregnancy she asked if I had an HSG test yet, and when I said no and she was surprised. Then she asked what my treatment was for the ectopic, which was methotrexate injections, and she said, "You do know not to get pregnant for 3 months, right?" which is not what my doctor said. Again, I don't think that exchange would have happened like that if my doctor was in the room.

So now we know there are more issues in lady land. AWESOMENESS!

After the appointment, we got a late lunch because I couldn't eat anything this morning out of being too crazed with work stuff to take the time. So we went to a nearby diner which we had never been to and I drowned my fears, pain and sorrow in a giant strawberry milkshake which had fresh strawberries and really good vanilla ice cream and wasn't too sweet, a giant helping of french fries which might have been the most potatoey and yummy french fries ever, and a big bacon cheeseburger (ahh yea, you know what I'm talking about!) with thick cut bacon, and a cleary hand patted patty that was at least an inch thick. Eric had eaten lunch already so he enjoyed a housemade bearclaw, many of my fries and we split the shake.
Black Bear Diner -- Check it!

After getting home, I basically slept the rest of the day away (since I had worked until 2am a few nights in a row, I think it was well needed)

So that's the current update in the adventure of me and my dreams of being a parent. I used to believe that being a parent was the whole point to my life, and while my experience with fibroids and lots of therapy has helped me adjust my perspective and accept that I'm ok as is, the dream is still alive but the pressure isn't as great (all the time).

Brief Update

Just stopping to say hi and to throw out a little update.

• Wrists still hurt... better but still hurt and am now awaiting my worker's comp insurance to approve the physical therapy. Considering my case was opened at the end of January, this is getting ridiculous.
  
• Working too much, trying to figure out how to find the balance.
• Got a new tooth night guard because the stress is some how showing up in my mouth. Jaw clenching and pushing my tongue against my teeth and moving them. Who knew that clenching causes gum recession and flaking off enamel. Also causes wallet lightening because mouth guards are EXPENSIVE! This is my second in 2 years.
• In the attempt to reduce stress and in celebration of getting home while it was still light out, we went for a jog yesterday and surprised myself at going 1.5 miles after no exercise for months. That may not sound like much but to me it totally is. I was able to pretty much chat with Eric the whole time. We even managed to sing this song for a short chunk of the route...
  

Milestone day

Today is a day which will be marked on the calendar. Ok, maybe it won't be because it depresses me a little even as I try to look at the upside to it.

Today I am reminded I am older.
I am no longer dealing with teen angst... much.
I am not afraid of the bullies.... much.
I am able to go to the store and buy what I want... mostly....on credit.... but I don't because I also know the difference between need and want.
I am wiser.
I am stronger.
I am a little bigger too... but we're trying to stick to the positives here.
I don't care as much about wearing the perfect outfit so the cute boy behind me mind notice me.
I've accepted I have straight hair and no longer feel the need to put chemicals in it to change it's structure so it frizzes out instead of laying all shiny and straight.
I have accepted that I am no longer a size 0-2, even if I haven't quite accepted my current size.
I like that I can't see my ribs anymore because that was kinda gross.
I make pretty decent money without getting up at 4am to throw papers at people's houses.
I have learned that being treated badly by a man is NOT OK! and there are other fish in the sea!
I own stuff.
I have found my own voice and use it regularly.
I may not still regularly speak to my friends from my childhood but I have surrounded myself with who I feel are life long friends.
I've accepted it is ok to loose touch.

So even though I am reminded about all of these GOOD things at this point in my life (plus more but my wrists are starting to say we've had just about enough typing for the moment), today is a milestone day which depresses me a little because....

I FOUND MY FIRST GREY HAIR!
It's too soon! It's just too soon!
I also have dark dark brown hair and this hair is white white white and kinky and right in my part on top of my head.

sigh... so much for not caring so much about my hair.
BACK TO THE BOTTLE!

44 Meme

Because I haven't written anything but sad medical crap for a while now, I thought I'd take J's prompting from her meme post today and follow through with completing it myself.

44 Things about me!

1. Do you like blue cheese?
Indeedy I do. Maytag Blue is my favorite. Really creamy.

2. Have you ever been drunk?
I have, although not recently. For some reason I decide to drink the most at company parties. I guess FREE is a big thing for me so I feel the need to partake. Good thing the company doesn't throw parties anymore. Upside of the recession?

3. Do you own a gun?
That would be a BIG NO!

4. What flavor of Kool-Aid was your favorite?
Fruit Punch or Cherry

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Usually no, but lately yes.

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Hot Cocoa, Hot Water or Vente Non-Fat Sugar-Free Hazelnut Steamer, thank you very much!

9. Can you do push ups?
Yes, but no to the pull ups. And actually at the moment I can do neither due to the wrist issues.

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
Wedding/Engagement Ring. It sparkles real pretty.

11. Favorite hobby?
hands down... BAKING!

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
YES! Not diagnosed but I think it is pretty obvious.

13. What’s your favorite shoe?
I have these pair of sandals with a chunky 2 inch heal and stretchy strappy upper which I LOVE but am afraid this will be their last year. I don't have many shoes because my feet have issues and when I find shoes that are comfortable, I wear them until they fall apart. Such is the reason I am usually in highly unfashionable running shoes.

14. Middle name?
Rebecca -- and I LOVE IT!

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
My hands/wrists hurt
I probably shouldn't be typing this right now
Why is there only one more thin mint sitting in front of me?

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Water, Milk, Hot Cocoa (which is mostly milk... right?)

17. Current worry?
WORK SHIT!
and
What am I going to wear this weekend to Starshine's play?

18. Current hate right now?
anything having to do with our flooring at home.... ok and also the perpetually moldy caulking in the corners of our tub/shower which needs to be stripped out and redone. Yea I know... gross!

19. Um, where did 19 go?
After reading this Meme a few times I am going with the same assumption as everyone else and talk about when I was 19. 19 went down the toilet with working at a burger joint, dating an abusive guy, calling off an engagement and going to community college not being able to figure out what is it that I wanted to do when I grew up. BTW - that abusive guy ended up with an abusive girl and later called to apologize.

20. How did you bring in the New Year?
Celebrated Julie's birthday with friends, a yummy dinner and fun games.

21. Where would you like to go?
Anywhere I can use my passport. But mostly right now I want to go home.

22. Name three people who will complete this?
???

23. Do you own slippers?
I do but I don't wear them.

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
Black although I'm also still wearing my big puffy down jacket over it.

25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets?
Nah. I love jersey knit cotton or other natural fiber. currently on the bed are Beech sheets.

26. Can you whistle?
I like to think I can, but not when compared to people who REALLY can.

27. Favorite color?
All my life it has been BLUE, but greens are starting to work their way in.

28. Would you be a pirate?
uh... doubtful. I'm too much of a rule follower (except for the speed limit)

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't really know of any specific songs and it doesn't happen that often. I know Christmas songs and other Churchy related songs creep into my head during those quiet times. Mostly I'm just trying to get out of the shower quickly so as not to waste water.

30. Favorite Girl’s Name?
Kaitlyn - and no we won't be using it because guy from #19 used it.. BASTARD!

31. Favorite boy’s name?
Benjamin - also won't be using it for other reasons.

32. What’s in your pocket right now?
Nadda

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
Co-worker talking about how his wife spent $380 on 2 pairs of jeans and other co-worker said, "but just think of how hot she'll look while you are eating Top Ramen when you are both laid off in a few months."

34. Best bed sheets as a child?
The only sheets I really remember were these ones with Rainbow Brite on them which I never understood why my mom bought them because I didn't even like Rainbow Brite and I was too old at the time for character sheets. These also happen to be the sheets I got for Christmas one year (yea, sheets for Christmas... WOO!) but I found the receipts and tags in the trash and was SO BUMMED and ungrateful that I do believe I cried to my mom about them who was furious. Yea... that whole story is probably why remember those sheets.

35. Worst injury you’ve ever had as a child?
Dislocated my elbow, chipped bone and broke nerves while doing an Aerial in gymnastics. I landed the trick but managed to do all of that damage in the air. Never felt a thing due to the broken nerves but was in the hospital for weeks and was scared most of the time.

36. Do you love where you live?
BIG NO!

38. Who is your loudest friend?
Hmmm.... probably Michelle although I haven't seen her for years I still consider her a good friend. I think she'd agree.

39. How many dogs do you have?
None. although I have 2 cat's which Dot refers to as dogs.

40. Does someone have a crush on you?
Yes and I share a bed and last name with him. HOT!

41. What is your favorite book?
Tough one. I don't read much but if I finish a book it's generally because I loved it.

42. What is your favorite candy?
OH man this one is tough because I admit to loving candy. I'll name a few:
Giant Chewy Sweettarts
See's Butterscotch Suckers
See's Milk Bordeaux
See's Butterscotch Square
Shocktarts
Peanut butter cups

43. Favorite Sports Team?
None

44. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Uhhh....something kinda cheerful and pretty please.

Learning Patience

So I guess an update is in order.

I saw my doctor on Thursday who at the time was still feeling this was a normal miscarriage. She did an in-office ultrasound which didn't really answer the if this is an intrauterine or ectopic pregnancy. She saw things that made her think it could be either.

Not very definitive.

So she had me do another round of blood tests to see where my beta-hCG levels were. If they were dropping quickly it sounds like a normal miscarriage. If they weren't we were back to thinking it is ectopic.

Blood drawn and waiting commences.

Friday 7am
I'm up, showered, dressed and about to head out the door to a crazy day at work when the phone rings. It's my doctor calling to say that my numbers did not drop, she is concerned the pregnancy is ectopic, she is in the OR all day but had a cancellation and would like to bring me in to do a D&C and then a possible laparoscopic surgery to look for and remove the pregnancy if she doesn't find it in the uterus. She asks, "Do you think you can make that happen today?" Even though my day is full of busy crazy important work, I say "I'll make it happen."
She assures me that my numbers have dropped so low that there is no way this pregnancy is viable even though they are not dropping anymore. They are in the 300's at this point, when they were in the 700's a week earlier and should have been doubling every 2-3 days.
I'm instructed to not eat or drink anything and to come in at noon to be prepped for surgery in the afternoon.
I email my boss to tell him what is happening and he is more than supportive. I try to do as much emailing and work as I can do as I am quickly getting more and more anxious.

Friday 11am
The Operating Room Admin calls to say that my doctor will no longer be able to do my procedure today and that she'll call me this afternoon when she gets out of surgery to talk about the next steps, but that I am clear to eat now.

WHAT?
More waiting....

Friday 12noon
My doctor calls another doctor who's nurse calls me to say that I need to go to the hospital imaging department to get an Ultrasound done at 1pm. There were no appointments available but they have been told I'm coming. I ask if I am to drink the requisite 32 oz of water to have a full bladder for the scan and she says just to drink a little. Usually OB ultrasounds are done by a different department, but the hospital imaging department does them when there is an emergency and I unfortunately know this because this will be my third. AWESOME!

Worry sets in

Friday 1:30pm
I drink a glass of water as we drive to the hospital and of course I get there and they say my bladder isn't full enough for the scan (BECAUSE I WAS TOLD NOT TO FILL IT!). So I chug the 32 oz and sit in the waiting room waiting for it to make its way down.

Friday 2:30pm
HELLO FULL BLADDER!
Scan commences. I chit chat with the technician about iPhones and such. We talk about all sorts of random things. I will say that all of the technicians are so nice there!
And now it's time for the OTHER part of this scan. I never talk during this part. It's just weird. But this part of the scan goes on, and on, and HURTS in certain spots. It's clear she is taking a lot of images of certain areas. This part took almost an hour. She reviewed the images with the radiologist who asked for more images... wee!
When all is done, the tech says I REALLY need to follow-up with my doctor.

I felt like crap after that ultrasound but to avoid the next step we went out to get some dinner. Eric was really hungry and we all needed a break from the craziness of the past few days. But now what?
Do I wait for my doctor to call me or do I call the on-call GYN to find out answer?
I opt to wait... it's a lot easier.

Friday 6pm
Phone rings and it is an anesthesiologist calling to say that she is putting me on the surgical board for Saturday at 1pm to make sure I don't get bumped again.
WHAT?
I haven't heard from anyone about my ultrasound yet. I haven't heard from my doctor about the next steps and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be the one doing my procedure if I had it done on a Saturday. I'm totally confused.
Just in case, the anesthesiologist did the full pre-surgical interview.

I email my doctor just in case she checks it. I'm a little panicked and am not comfortable with someone else doing my surgery. I trust my doctor and don't want just anyone cutting into me.

Friday 6:30pm
I call the advise nurse who can contact the on-call gynecologist to find out the results of my ultrasound and who has hopefully been in contact with my doctor to know the plan.
With my insurance group I have to first talk to a non-medical rep in a call center and have to tell them my whole deal before they will transfer me to the advise nurse. Once I get to the advice nurse I have to tell it all again. The advise nurse finds out that the on-call GYN is familiar with my name and needs to review all of the reports and would call me in 30 minutes. She says that if I haven't heard anything by 8pm to call again.

Knowing that the on-call GYN knows my name is worrisome. So we continue waiting.

Friday 8pm
Still no call, so I have to make the call again.
Again I have to tell the whole story of the day... twice. Of course I don't get the same rep and nurse.
They tell me he'll call as soon as he can and to call back if he still hasn't called before I go to bed.

Waiting continues....

Friday sometime after 9pm
HE CALLS! Eric wants to know what he's saying and is brilliant and picks up the other phone to join in (I couldn't even think of such an idea my brain was swirling around too much)
Ultrasound results
It is still not clear if the pregnancy is intrauterine or ectopic. WHAT? They see something in both places (that's what we knew about the little in-office machine too). Ok great, no real answers.
While my doctor wanted to do the surgery to get definitive answers, she agreed with the on-call GYN that we should go the route of treating me with medication to end the pregnancy so we do not risk affecting my fertility more than needed. Either way, an ectopic pregnancy is a risk to my health so action had to happen right away.
Usually this drug is administered at the Chemo clinic because the drug is a low dose of chemo but the clinic is only open M-F and my doctor did not want to wait any longer. The doctors set it up that I would get the drug administered at the ER the next day. I had to wait until the main pharmacy was open so they could mix up the drug so 10am the next morning would be it.

Breathing still....

Saturday 8am
My Doctor calls to apologize for all of the drama, waiting and confusion of the day before and to talk to me about the findings, and the new plan and lets me ask all of my questions. She is clearly sick herself and I can hear the beeps of the ER in the background. I later learn she has another patient in there with a REAL emergency in the ER.
She advises that I not eat or drink anything just in case the surgery comes up again while in the ER.
Turns out she was in surgery all day the day before and was already scrubbed in when she found out I was being bumped from the surgical board. She then had issues with her remote access and couldn't look up my phone number to call me herself the night before. She called the on-call GYN and he said he'd do the calling.


Saturday 10am
I'm HUNGRY!
We are back in the ER. Much of the same staff is there who were there when I was there the week before. Oddly comforting.
I'm prepared this time. I bring reading material. My iPhone is fully charged. I bring all of my prescriptions and copies of my EKGs from the previous week because the anesthesiologist couldn't find them in the system. Most importantly I bring a pair of really lovely fuzzy soft socks and a hoodie to put on over the backless gown. I had a feeling we would be doing a lot of waiting around.
I first need some blood work done to make sure my liver and kidneys are doing well and to get a beta-hCG level as a baseline for the post-injection blood work I'll get every few days until my levels are back to zero. They say I need a GOOD IV to get the injection so they want to do that to get the blood too.
My arms aren't so good for blood work and worse for IVs so a few nurses come in and out looking and smacking and then turning to get someone else. One nurse tries and fails but all of the other nurses won't poke without knowing they will get it. A few hours pass and they finally learn that I don't need the IV and that any ol'blood draw will do.
Finally it is time for the injection and the new on-call GYN comes in to do it. She's the only one certified to give a chemo injection on-call at the time. My doctor told me about her and that she had already talked to her about the plan. I ask even more questions and we talk about what to expect and she again reassures me that my beta-hCG levels definitely show a miscarriage and very likely an ectopic pregnancy. She makes sure I am ready and then its time for the shots.
IT BURNS and 4 days later it still hurts.

Now we are back to waiting. More blood work to see where my levels end up. If they don't go down then another set of shots and more waiting. If that doesn't work then we're back to scheduling surgery.


The last few days have been full of ups and downs and side effects. I've been home from work because I feel like crap and hurt physically, am extremely fatigued and admittedly emotionally not all together. Even the bit of work I've done has left me in tears. Thankfully I am feeling physically better tonight and am hoping the nausea I had last night doesn't return.
As I talked to my therapist about, this time is going to be emotionally and physically very different. At this moment it is feeling terribly harder and this time I don't know if I'm going to be strong enough to be as optimistic as I once was.

Dr Called....Again

My beta-hCG values have dropped to 398.
So it looks like I'm miscarrying again. I go in to see my doctor on Thursday.

DAMN IT!
CRAP!
GRUMBLE!
POO!
FRICK!


...
sigh

Dr Called...

Turns out my OB was in today so I left her a message that I was concerned about my beta-hCG results. She said the levels are high enough that she's not concerned about ectopic anymore, and that she has seen this slow rise before and it be totally normal. She wants me to go back in today to get another test done.
If they are still low for this many days past ovulation, then she'll want to see me as something is wrong. If they are back on track, then she'll want to see me next week for an early ultrasound or do another blood test. She said as long as I don't have sharp pains or a fever or short of breath then I should be fine.

Next step... get poked again and then wait for her to call me.

Sharing News

Ok, so here is what I want to share....

News#1
After last Sunday, I had another heart palpitation episode which was stronger, longer and scarier. It woke me up in the middle of the night and we went to the ER right away. They immediately did an EKG without me even signing in. They caught the palpitation on the EKG unlike last time. Then over the next few hours I remained hooked up to the monitor with an irregular heart beat, with the monitor alarming every few minutes saying I was in VTACH or Non-sustaining VTACH or some other acronyms I don't remember. They did a few more EKGs while I had an even "funkier" rhythm, as my nurse called it.

The ER doctor ordered lots and lots of blood work, I was given an IV and put on oxygen. He then ordered a chest x-ray which I was very hesitant to agree to because I am ...

News #2
...Pregnant again (just 5 weeks so I probably shouldn't say anything but I am because that's what I do and I have crap to talk about here)

After finally getting them to let Eric back to talk to me, and the radiology tech expressed his concern, we called Eric's friend who is a cardiologist and gave him the low down and he said it didn't sound like I needed the chest xray and he advised we refuse it. After much todo, the ER Doc talked to the on-call cardiologist who said it was fine to skip the xray. I also emailed my OB, who responded that it would have been fine to do but sounded like the cardiologist felt it was also fine to skip.

A bit later, they tried injecting calcium as it can help the heart. Did nothing.
Then they tried injecting a beta-blocker. Slower heart rate, but still palpitating. I did feel the immediate change though. Then they gave me a pill form of the beta-blocker and an hour later..... regular beats between palpitations. YAY! And then all regular beats.
and then it became really boring as my phone battery was dying so I could no longer check email or update Facebook which was the only thing entertaining me because Eric was asleep at this point (he can sleep through anything!).
Since I was stabilizing they decided not to admit me, and a few hours later they discharged me and sent me over to cardiology for a Echo cardiogram and to meet with my brand new shiny Cardiologist. I'm 34 and have a Cardiologist. Oh and by the way, an Echo with pregnant boobs... PAINFUL!

My Cardiologist, cute little blond pregnant thing that she is, felt the Echo was normal but wanted to consult her colleagues and the Electrophysiologist about my EKGs to figure out where the irregular beats were coming from. She also switched me to a different beta-blocker medication which has been studied more with pregnancies. She felt the palpitations are being triggered by the pregnancy and should go away after I deliver.

Since Thursday, I've only had one little heart flutter and have mostly felt ok in the heart department. I'm a little lightheaded and really tired, but that could be a symptom of the pregnancy or the medication. Hard to tell.

Ok, so on to the pregnancy. YAY! First try after the miscarriage last December!
BUT.....
With these heart palpitations, my doctor is a little concerned about Eptopic pregnancy. Since the first episode stopped on its own, she was less worried but still wanted me to do a round of quantitative Beta-hCG testing to make sure the pregnancy is progressing normally. First test was at about 18 DPO and was 615, which is pretty high for that far along. My doctor emailed me and said to go back in 48 hours and then we'd see how it's going. I did the test but didn't hear back from her. Waiting through Friday and the weekend. Then today I went to email her but the email system said she was out until Wednesday. So I decided to call her office to get the results myself which I am now regretting. 48 hours later the hCG level should have doubled, but it was only at 782. Poooo

Could be a vanishing twin.
Could be Ectopic.
Could be I'm miscarrying again.
Could be I'm in that 15% who's levels do not double every 48 hours but even those usually have complications.
Could be no problem at all.
(Stupid internet providing me with more information than I wish to have at this moment)

I should have waited to let my doctor tell me her thoughts but now I get to try not to worry for the next 2 days.

So that's my news. Off to ice my wrists. Too much typing.