As my husband said about facing the death of someone we know:
It's shocking. It pops our bubble of believing that we and those we know will just keep on living indefinitely. This whole consciousness thing is strange, knowing that we're all gonna die.
I'm guessing these feelings are what is drawing me to listen to music from "back in the day". Mainly 80's and early 90's love songs fill my play list. Tonight, I threw in a lot of Air Supply, Chicago, Christopher Cross (oh yes, you know you don't want to love him but you do!), Genesis & Phil Collins. I have found that I am playing certain songs over and over again, and I feel myself getting more and more emotional with each song. These were the artists I listened to, danced to and cried to, even though I was far too young to know really what they were singing about.
I guess that some memory or tragedy in my life is being triggered although I don't know what it is. It must be something that happened to me as a kid, since I remember crying to these songs even back then. My therapist says that when we are dealing with an emotion that small memory triggers may elicit stronger then normal responses as those "gates" are open. There are so many events in our lives that we gloss over and don't "process" to truly get passed them. I know I hold many of these types of feelings back there in the safety of memories I have blocked out. Part of me is finding comfort in these songs and feeling the emotions, and part of me is feeling stuck and wants to continue to gloss over.
Perhaps now would be a good time to call that therapist. I haven't spoken to her since before my surgery. But really... it's so much easier to not.
I'm sorry for all of the morbid posts. I'm not really feeling all that down, just sort of coming to terms with things I guess.