Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Music Memory Triggers

I have been rather emotional and nostalgic over the last week or so. Having to face the reality of death with the passing of a friend and the back burner thoughts of having to put down a pet someday, reminds me of how I used to fear falling in love when death might take them away. I would think, 'What's the point?'. I was just a kid when these fears entered my mind, and I suppose they still have a hold somewhere in there.

As my husband said about facing the death of someone we know:
It's shocking. It pops our bubble of believing that we and those we know will just keep on living indefinitely. This whole consciousness thing is strange, knowing that we're all gonna die.

I'm guessing these feelings are what is drawing me to listen to music from "back in the day". Mainly 80's and early 90's love songs fill my play list. Tonight, I threw in a lot of Air Supply, Chicago, Christopher Cross (oh yes, you know you don't want to love him but you do!), Genesis & Phil Collins. I have found that I am playing certain songs over and over again, and I feel myself getting more and more emotional with each song. These were the artists I listened to, danced to and cried to, even though I was far too young to know really what they were singing about.

I guess that some memory or tragedy in my life is being triggered although I don't know what it is. It must be something that happened to me as a kid, since I remember crying to these songs even back then. My therapist says that when we are dealing with an emotion that small memory triggers may elicit stronger then normal responses as those "gates" are open. There are so many events in our lives that we gloss over and don't "process" to truly get passed them. I know I hold many of these types of feelings back there in the safety of memories I have blocked out. Part of me is finding comfort in these songs and feeling the emotions, and part of me is feeling stuck and wants to continue to gloss over.

Perhaps now would be a good time to call that therapist. I haven't spoken to her since before my surgery. But really... it's so much easier to not.

I'm sorry for all of the morbid posts. I'm not really feeling all that down, just sort of coming to terms with things I guess.


J at www.jellyjules.com said...

Music can be very powerful, and can bring forth emotions, or strengthen emotions that we are already having. Even Christopher Cross. ;)

I remember being very afraid of falling in love, that I would lose Ted...I used to have nightmares about it. It could still happen, as we know, but thankfully it doesn't haunt me like it used to.

Py Korry said...

I agree with J that music is powerful, and if you can find comfort in songs, the all the better.

Your post, however, gives me an idea for this week's mix: "Comfort Songs." What do you think?

Gina said...

I hate to hijack your blog, but I think Py's idea is fab!

As for your feeling a bit down, I'm so sorry to hear that! If you think it would make you feel better to talk to your therapist, then do so. But, if listening to groovy songs helps you out, do that too!

Starshine said...

It's good to process your emotions. Whether that is through blogging, talking to your therapist, crying it out to songs from the past, or all of the above...I think they are all helpful outlets.

I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your friend. *hugs*

Beenzzz said...

I too am sorry to hear about your friend. I have a hard time thinking that my loved ones will all be gone one day. I can't let my mind go there because it's too much. It is good to process your feelings though. Perhaps, I should give in and do it!
Yes, a comfort songs mix would kick butt!

C said...

It's amazing how music can evoke such strong feelings and emotions in people. It always amazes me how just hearing a song can bring tears to a person's eyes, bring back memories (both happy or sad) or totally energize us. Really powerful stuff :)

Again, sorry to hear about your friend. May you find comfort with the help of your loved ones. Sending lotsa warm Canadian hugs your way! ;)

MrsGrumpy said...

Hug, hug, hug...
I find myself unable to listen to music these days. I am so sorry for your loss. It is so very difficult to process the death of one who we count on to always be there...whether our lives are centered around them or they dance along the periphery...they are always supposed to be there. You are in my thoughts.

Karen MEG said...

Music has always played a huge part in my life; it always brings me back to happy or sad memories, almost like I'm actually back there again.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope the music continues to comfort you.