Each year, the month of August seems to get more and more painful. Usually I stress about what I didn't do, where I'm not in my life, and how much of my youth has gone by without me. I have been living in yesterday, dreading tomorrow and bitching about it the whole time. I have some great friends that listen to the whining, and occasionally throw a slap of reality my way. I come to for a moment of self discovery, and then usually slide back into my world of self-pitty.
No one or thing or action or event is going to change my life, although I keep thinking it will. Those major life events that I have been desperately searching for and living for, are not going to make the sunshine come out and make my world a shining happy place. Only I can turn things around.
I spout off about living in the moment, being mindfull of what you are doing right now. But do I actually practice mindfulness? Not without a LOT of thought. I do it for a few days, and then something else grabs my attention and I go spiraling back down.
For the last few years, my friends have known not to mention my birthday before the day, and to pretend not to hear my sighs and groans when someone mentions it or my age. This year I was again dreading the day, and strangely enough, it's not that bad. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm coming to terms that my "plan" has long been passed up by life.
I "know" in my brain that our plans change that we have to keep making new plans, and that we have to be flexible and adjust to what life throws at us, but its still hurts in my heart. I have to work and live for today. For right now. To make the best of what I have in front of me.
I'm not touting that from this day forward I will be a changed person. But I am going to try a little harder.
Happy Birthday to me!