What getting ready for baby means to me...

So I think I need to explain my situation a little bit.... and maybe vent a tad.

My house is trashed. We moved over a month and a half ago and there are boxes everywhere. I'm not exaggerating. They are everywhere. I trip over them all the time and they are stacked 2-4 high, and on every flat surface. And within the last week, more appeared full of hand-me-down baby stuff which I just pushed into the baby room to make go away for the time being. This house is not functional as is and we've just been making due.

We were not able to even start unpacking for weeks as we thought we had lead paint in the kitchen and bathrooms and well, everywhere so we had to fight with the landlord for a while until he agreed to get a lead risk assessment done. Turns out everything is at ok levels, but we had already lost that momentum of moving and had begun living with just the bare essentials found in the essential boxes and just walking around the others. Once you start living out of boxes, it's much easier to keep living out of boxes. It's kinda like vacation where you have your essentials with you and you just make due. Add to that the fact that I've been exhausted and worked 12-14 hour days since we moved in, and this is the first few days to do anything else in my life.

We eat out every night or get take out because the kitchen... not functional. Much to still unpack and to figure out what we need to get to make it more functional. Sure we can make toast and eat cereal and we've managed to make rice and oatmeal, and a salad or two, but actual cooking can't quite happen in there yet... again, too many boxes in the way, stuff on the counter which doesn't have a home, and in general the layout sucks to begin with.

Then there is the old/grime factor. We moved into a 50's foreclosure property which was purchased to be rented out. Our landlord did the minimum needed and that minimum is gross to most people's standards. We had THOUGHT he would have it cleaned before we moved in, but NO he didn't. Liz came over the day we moved in and scrubbed a lot and there was still so much more scrubbing to be done. I won't even go into the state of the yard because I have little problem letting that go before the baby comes, but the mold, and the stains, and the just general grossness.... that all needs to be taken care of.

Some things are beyond repair or elbow grease. Some things need more elbow grease than my wrists will allow. And some I'm going to scrub the hell out of no matter how much it hurts me because I cannot continue to live with mold and grossness. For example, tonight I purchased some fairly caustic cleaning products (which I probably shouldn't be using in my current state but oh well), some rubber gloves, and good ol' Mr Clean Magic Erasers. We generally use very "green" cleaning solutions like vinegar, H2O2, and Baking Soda, but this place is beyond those products. My toilets are now white. I am opting not to tell you their prior state, but I no longer gag when I take a bath where I am at an angle where I can see under the rim (not that the stains were only under the rim). Again... NOT EXAGGERATING!

To add to the fun, Eric and I are clutter leavers. Have a space, crap will fill it. We do not have a dishwasher, and we (Eric) do not have a habit or see the point of cleaning the dishes every night (or the counter, or the wipe out the microwave when something explodes, or hell closing a drawer after its been opened). We don't have good homes for the crap and some feel that an adequate home for crap is shoving it into a drawer, or box, or cabinet, so you just end up with crap drawers and cabinets and crap full of crap. Sure I can't change all of that now, but some of the crap needs to go and now is the only time I will have in the next year to deal with it. Sure this stuff is lower priority, but this week I needed to find some of MY crap which had been unpacked into the crap places full of crap because important papers got mixed in.

Sure, I am embarrassed that we will be having guests stay with us, so some of this motivation to get our own shit together prior to the baby's stuff has something to do with that. But mostly, once the baby is here, all of the boxes, the mold, the gross, the crap will not be taken care of. This house is not clean and not in a state to bring a baby into. And I won't even go into the fact that we are expecting guests and we still do not own a guest bed.... just one more thing on the list of things to figure out.

Baby's don't need a lot of stuff. Some diapers, some clothes, my boobs and a place to sleep. We have that. There is no point in going through the bags and bags of hand-me-down and new clothes now, because if I wash them, I have no place to put them yet so no point in washing. Another thing of the list.... baby's dresser or some sort of closet organizer (and hangers) or even plastic tubs.

Today I also needed to buy the things I need when I get home. Like sleep nursing bras, and ginormous maxi pads, boob cream and cotton pads to clean baby's sensitive bum and random goop because Eric will not be in any state to be trying to figure that stuff out on his own and I'm not going anywhere after a C-Section for a while. Also, needed to continue to deal with the property I just sold as the banks seem to like to continue to take auto-payments out for a mortgage which is no longer active and no.. they don't give the money back. And you know what tomorrow is? It's tax day... nuff said. Non-baby stuff needs to happen before this baby arrives. Period.

So in essence. Me taking care of all of the other stuff and not setting up the baby room (which the baby will not be even using for a few months and will essentially be a place to hold baby stuff and a guest room), really IS getting ready for baby.

Much To Do, and its only day two

Because I am on maternity leave I am supposed to be resting right?
Well if I didn't have a list so long of things to do, I would rest more! I know that all will be fine if nothing on that list is done RIGHT NOW, but you know how things are.... sometimes you just need certain things to be checked off.

Like right now, I really need to unpack all the crap we move here with. Yes, we moved 6 weeks ago but that was 6 weeks of working 14 hour days and being far too tired to touch anything when I got home. We've gotten used to living out of and with boxes, so its kind of easier to just keep walking around them, for now. I am not allowing myself to go through all of the generous gifts and hand-me-downs which are accumulating in that room there behind me which I try to avoid as it would be so much more fun to sit down in there and go through bags and boxes, not to mention also sitting down to write out some thank you notes.... OY I have much to do.

I don't even have an actual list going, which probably makes the brain list seem even longer. Perhaps that will be thing one on tomorrow's list.... to make a list.

Yesterday, day one of leave, I sat on the couch, all day with my iPhone in hand texting/IMing away with my girlfriends who I haven't gotten to talk to much since I've been so darn busy at work. I was also researching who knows what via the Internet on that thing for HOURS. Then we headed out to a "newborn care" class which blew chunks (which was one of the topics as well) but Eric seemed to enjoy it so someone got benefit out of it. We ran many errands and went out to eat dinner which I had a hard time swallowing the bill when I'm not making much money at the moment with the whole not working thing, but also recognized we will not have many more opportunities for such niceties soon.

Today, I had many goals which I think I got 4.5 things accomplished, even more if you include showering and getting dressed and feeding myself...ok I didn't feed myself very well and getting dressed counts when you just put clean PJ like clothes on post shower, right? But I did pull my laptop out and get it set up and got caught up on Grey's Anatomy thanks to Hulu.com while I sorted/filed/shredded many a paper in my "need to deal with" pile of papers which moved here with us. Of course I still have little piles of papers all over the desk looking for new homes, but they will wait for tomorrow. I'm sure I could have sorted far quicker if I was not staring at the monitor for hours but 6 weeks without TV and being home alone calls for some mindless entertainment. Oh crap, Eric is doing taxes tomorrow so I guess I must clean up the piles tonight... drat!

(Question: Do I really need to keep all of the Wedding Cards we received? That is one of said piles of papers)

Count down to Maternity Leave

Psst! I have 2 more full work days until my Maternity Leave starts. Then maybe I'll actually get unpacked, get Internet service at the house, and get my ergonomic desk set up at home so I can type there and then MAYBE I'll ACTUALLY POST SOMETHING ABOUT THIS PREGNANCY!

If I didn't mention this before, we moved over a month ago. Yea... we're crazy and moved at the end of the 7th month. And I'm too freakin' pooped to unpack so we live in a sea of boxes. And no, the baby's room is not set up, please don't bring it up. We do not have any furniture in there yet (well nothing that will stay in there) but we are picking up a crib this weekend (Thanks Liz!). The "baby's room" is full of a lot of things overflowing from other rooms and a wonderful ton of generous gifts and hand me downs from friends and family. (THANK YOU AWESOME FRIENDS AND FAMILY!)

Anyone got a twin/trundle bed we can use for a guest bed? apparently Moms and Moms-in-laws like to have beds when they stay over to help out.

So much to do, and so many naps fit in.

Poor Pregnant Sick Me

This is a post full of whining. Oh right, that's pretty normal for around these parts so I shouldn't have to preface it.

I'm sick. And I'm pregnant. you know that that means? LIMITED DRUGS! I love my cold medications, and all the ones I usually reach for are off limits during this journey I'm on. Sigh. I'm currently working on cold #3 of this pregnancy and #4 of the cold/flu season and actually #1 was in June so that's BEFORE the season even started and it was the worst of all.

Started out as a tickling cough, 2 days later insane sore throat and prolonged coughing fits, 2 days later add head congestion, and then .... the dreaded YELLOW MUCUS coming from everywhere I turned.

I am doing all the things I'm supposed to do:
Resting as much as the Mr. Mucus allows
Sinus Rinse
Lots of Hot/Warm fluids
Steamy deep breathing sessions in the shower/bath or over the stove
Salt water gargling
Eating well

Since Mr Mucus turned colors over the weekend I decided it was time to see the doctor. I'm not one to go to the doctor unless really warranted and this pregnancy warranted the trip. My OB was out today, so I saw another in the group who I've seen before so I knew he was REALLY sensitive to the emotions of Women's Health and would not fault me for coming in with a cold (he had helped me through my miscarriage).

He was pretty much awesome and convinced me that taking a Codeine cough syrup was the way to go. I picked up my prescription and a refill for my inhaler should the need arise during a coughing fit. Now, 2 doses later, I'm not convinced of its effectiveness. Still coughing. Have managed to give myself (or maybe the baby started it) sore ribs, and my back decided that coughing is a good trigger for spasming. The coughing has even been triggering fun puking... good thing I had kind of gotten used to that a few months ago.

I'm falling apart people!

Oh yea, and I'm supposed to be packing some everyday to be ready for the big move on Sunday. Yea right.

CRAP - I hear something. Eric's making sinusy noises. CRAP CRAP CRAP!

Location Location Location

Next weekend we are moving and I'm sort of happy about it. Moving to be closer to my office and therefore a large part of my daily life will finally be closer to my impending new family. As I've complained about thoroughly over the years, I have a LONG ASS COMMUTE (3-5 hours daily). I live in an area of the country which is CONGESTED, not LA congested but pretty damn bad and sprawling out from a few major cities.

I grew up on one side of a bay and have lived within a 10 mile radius all my life, but I have worked in or near one of the major cities on the OTHER side of the bay for over 10 years. And the headquarters of the company I work for is way down at the southern tip of that bay in another one of the major cities and I'm expected to go there occasionally and never know if/when my position will be moved there. Lots of people live in one city or area of the bay but work in another so the highways and bridges are therefore full of people all trying to get to and from the same places around the same time of day which equals... that long ass commute. Whether by train or car, my commute is long. When I take it, public transportation may reduce the insanity, it's still a huge part of my day and daily expense.

Because I want those 3-5 hours back to spend with my upcoming new family, we are moving to the SAME CITY as my current office. We are renting a place which isn't perfect but the location to my office can't be beat. The rental comes with a few cons which we will just have to wait to see how they play out. Yes I'm going to focus on the negatives here because I need to get it out and really the main pro is the main con too:

- Virgin Landlord/Owner: very clearly has never been a landlord before but thankfully he hired a real estate agent to help him but mostly we'll work with the landlord directly. We've met once, and he was nice but seemed green. He agreed to take some things away we don't want/need, to finish up some repairs and to install a water line for our fridge so I still get ice and filtered water (yay!) instead of using his smaller, older and honestly, stinky and moldy fridge (Eric didn't see my issue with it but he never looked inside). One nice point, he is going to give us the keys a week early so we can move in over the weekend even though our lease begins on the first.

- Kitchen: you might know that I love to cook and well, this place has a tiny kitchen lacking much in the way of amenities and things like counter space and storage, and the lay out is not ideal. It'll work out but we're going to put some money into it in the way of IKEA furniture and someone is going to have dishpan hands and it's not going to be me (yea right).

- Color: Said Virgin Landlord does not know the way of the neutral color palate for a rental. The interior walls are newly and beautifully (craftsmanship-wise) painted lime green and he bought and installed curtains for most of the windows, all of which are a print of blue of some sort. Yes, lime green and blue.... everywhere. And no, he didn't save any of the paint for touch ups nor remembers the color code or brand of paint for us to redo his work should we choose to reduce the pain. I am VERY emotionally effected by color, so we'll see how I deal with this one. Oh and I won't even go into the newly painted exterior color (ok yes I will). Think poo. Poo of someone who ate a jar of mustard and a can of peas. Yay! Awesome location!

- Shared space and utilities: There is a "cottage" in the small backyard which is rented out to a separate tenant. We will be sharing utilities and common space with this person whom we've never met. The lease doesn't have as solid of terms as I'd like in the way of how the sharing happens so that was probably stupidity shining through on my part. The current tenant has given notice, so who knows what that will do to things. Maybe the new person will be an awesome new friend of our new family and really easy to work with in terms of the utilities and backyard.

- Doubled Housing/Living expense: Our current place is cheap. cheap cheap cheap. But we live to our means and my never seeming to end student loans takes up a large chunk of my net salary. And somehow, thanks to the market and plummeting interest rates, this area is now even cheaper for those lucky people who buy here now. By moving to the other side of the bay alone, we are increasing our cost of living a LOT, plus things just cost more over there. Have I also mentioned we are having a baby and I hear they are expensive too. Guess taking my lunch to work will no longer be a good thing to do and more a necessity.

- Location: The city in which I work is the city in which I work. Work sometimes is not the best part of my day so the city in which I do it can have negative feelings associated with it. For years I have gone to this city to do ... work, and then I get to go home and live. See what I mean?
Plus this city has a completely different climate than where I call home so some adjusting will need to happen.
And its not the best area. As in most cities, it has its good and its not as good areas, with many different socioeconomic groups and cultures which I like and then again don't like all the time. The wrong side of the tracks means something here. Yes, call me a yuppy snob but I don't think I used to care as much about this sort of thing except when I lived alone and now with the thoughts of baby on my mind. There is no cute downtown to stroll along with the stroller, but there is some shopping nearby so that's helpful but I've been spoiled by living in a fairly affluent area where even the Target is nicer than most.
Oh and there is a major airport nearby too.... with a flight path for the international huge jumbo jets which you can tell the name of the airline who owns the plane because you can READ it from the ground. The path goes over my office so I'm sort of used to it, but we'll be waiting to see what that sounds like from our new place.
And while my commute is shrinking to almost nothing, Eric's is growing. True he doesn't have to drive for his work everyday, he still does have a lot of driving to do to get to clients for meetings and installs which are all on that other side of the bay.

And my biggest con is also... LOCATION but for a very different reason.
I am essentially moving away from home for the first time. Sure I moved out of my parents house many years ago. I have moved from rental to rental to owning to rental to rental to rental to owning, but never left the comfort of a 10 mile radius from my parents and the house I lived years 0-24. I know where I live. I know where to get things, how long it takes to get there and who to call when I need help.
Here, my mom comes by for lunch or to play a game almost every Sunday on her way home from church. She takes care of my cats when we go away. She brings me soup my father makes for me when I'm sick. She's my mom and she's here, and I'm moving over there.
Eric's plant nursery, part of the core of his business is at my parent's home. He goes there to care for his plants, to visit with my parents and has dinner and conversation with them far more often then I do. And I often get the benefit of leftovers my parents send home with him to be waiting for me after I get home from my long ass commute.

I am finally moving away from my parents.

And some people may not get this, but the biggest con is that I'm moving away from my friends. My core strength is my friends. While my parents are big, in my life my friends have been bigger. They listen to me, they help me cope and they give me so much more comfort and knowledge and help than they will ever know. Sure we are already spread out in the area, and the majority of our communication is and will remain via the Internet, but right now I know they are all within a 30 minute drive. And while I'm not moving out of state, I am moving at minimum 1.5 hours away so there will no longer be last minute lunches or shopping trips or visits. They have busy lives too and we already have infrequent times we spent together. I had just hoped that this new phase of my life would have more of an ever present, as in in-person, support of my girlfriends who mostly are all already going through this journey.

While my support network is not in this new town, we'll make due. I guess. We have to. It's for the good of our new family.

Getting down to counting on fingers

Counting down to events in one's life has always been a big deal. As a kid we were excited about our birthdays or Christmas or Summer vacation. As adults we have graduation, weddings, jobs ending or starting, vacations (again) and then there are births and all those countdowns that go with them...

In 11 weeks...
27 Weeks down and 11 more to go for this impending birth. No that doesn't add up to the traditional 40 but this baby is coming at 38 weeks at the latest.

Why you may ask?

Well back here, I had a uterine surgery to remove some fun fibroids which were threatening to drain me of my blood and almost ruined my wedding, not to mention gave me a lovely plump 4-5 months pregnant look. Evil, benign things. Because of how the surgery went down, I should not go into labor as my uterus likely couldn't handle the stress of it and might rupture. Seeing as we don't want that to happen... you know, the whole death thing...this baby is coming by C-Section at the latest on May 6th. That's her drop dead delivery date. Oh, that doesn't sound good, so let's go with Project Management terms...her Commit Date!

I'll be having an Amniocentesis at week 36 to check on development and if she appears ready, she'll deliver at 37 weeks (10 flippin' weeks away!.... I can count that on my FINGERS!), and if she needs a tad more time she gets 7 more days to hit her commit date and then she's coming out!

That's right, this ride of pregnancy apparently ends with a baby in arms and me a mother. Funny how I knew that, but am just starting to actually KNOW that, and I probably won't really know it until a week into the fun new stage of my life which is parenthood. Holy CRAP! I'm going to BE a mother on Mother's Day this year (May 9th in the US if you haven't looked it up yet).

In 7 weeks...
I'm to going on MATERNITY LEAVE! Oh how I wish for this day to come quickly as I am uncomfortable, hardly sleep (writing this at 3am), am sick for the 3rd time this pregnancy (thank you compromised immune system), my pelvis hasn't gotten the word that I'm having a C-section so every step I take is painful as it "loosens", and well work? I don't talk about that here but I'll be just fine to let my controlling ways go aside or redirected for a few or 6 months (or as long as we can afford it). 7 more weeks. I can make it 7 more weeks.

In 3+ weeks...
We are being blessed by 2 Baby Showers being thrown for us. One by my wonderful co-workers and another by my beautiful girlfriends. I guess I should actually put some stuff on those gift registries because apparently people like to give us stuff. WOO!! I just wanted to celebrate our new stage of life with friends and to eat cupcakes (I am dreaming about Lizzie's Coconut Cupcakes daily!) but the generosity and excitement of our friends is overwhelmingly awesome and they want to know what we might want to help us with the world of baby.

The baby registry thing has me baffled a little because while I realize the market of baby stuff is huge and our loved ones want to buy us things to help us with this journey, I am also full on down with the land of hand-me-downs because #1 - it's less stuff going to landfills, #2 - if my friends used it and loved it and want us to use it too, then its usefulness has already been proven and I don't have to do the research!, #3 - lots of times the stuff GOES BACK to them so I don't have to then find a new home for ALL THE STUFF! (I like to live with less stuff in general, idealistically not always in practice, and I realize babies come with stuff, so easy ways for stuff going away is good!).

Alas, while I am having a tough time learning all there is to learn about the stuff which helps with baby, and having to come to terms that this is really happening, its actually kind of fun to peruse the shopping sites and reviews and picking out the things which will soon decorate our new life (and living room, and car, and...)

In 2 weeks...
We are going to our 2nd of a series of baby related classes. We went to a Mid-Term pregnancy class many months ago which was informative but nothing new was learned which I didn't already get from the Internet or books. This next class is BREASTFEEDING. The first of the practical classes on our schedule. Apparently stuff will come from my chest and there will be a baby who wants to suck on me and will be nourished and neither of us will know exactly what to do and we're going to learn some info on how that all happens. CRAZY and beautiful and amazing and did I mention crazy?

Sure we girls learn to deal with the oddity which is our period and we get use to that idea fairly quickly, then this pregnancy thing takes over our lives and our bodies and we learn and adjust but never REALLY know what its like until we're living it, and then after that comes breastfeeding which to me is still weird to think about. So yea... classes, teach me, show me the way!

In 1 week...
We move. Yes move. We are renting a place closer to my work so I can cut down my commute. Improving ones quality of life suddenly becomes more important when things like babies come into the picture. My commute will essentially go from 3-5 hours per day depending on traffic or if I go by train, to 10-30 minutes which I can WALK if I so choose to do (to leave Eric home with the 4 door car and the baby, because a 4 door car is better than a work truck for baby's safety and my sanity - C you know what I'm talking about!).

The short sale of our townhouse is progressing and while we will have an overlap of mortgage and rent payments (and utilities, we keep forgetting the cost of those utilities) for a few months, this move is going to make the end of my pregnancy a little bit easier... sort of (I'll go into the reasons of that Sort Of in a different post) and postpartum breastfeeding while working and balancing the support of a business owning husband who will also be at least part-time daddy daycare and struggles with depression life WAY easier.

So this weekend, we PACK. Holy Crap, change is happening.

The countdowns of many big changes are getting really close to their ends, and one big one's beginning. Change is good. Change is good...

Still Here. Still Pregnant. Still Hurting.

VERY quick update....

1. I am still around even though I don't comment much on your blogs or write ANYTHING on mine. I'm very busy at work and have to choose carefully when I'm going to use my hands.... see #4.
   
2. I am still pregnant (YAY!) and am currently in my 21st week. I am showing a bit, some days I'm bigger than others, and I've taken NO photos of my progression which is something I always wanted to do and just need to at least start already because I can't turn back time.
3. I am having some complications where I get lightheaded and my heart races and sometimes I end up with an irregular heart rhythm for a few seconds. I've done an EKG which showed nothing but a fast pulse (of course). I'm betting I'm just anemic.
4. I now have what is known at Pregnancy Carpal Tunnel. I had Carpal Tunnel already and tendinitis all over both arms and hands but now its a little different and the pain is even worse. I had heard that pregnancy could make it worse but I couldn't see how it could be any more painful... guess what? IT CAN! YES IT CAN! I've ordered some Speech Recognition software so we'll see how that goes. Maybe I'll actually start documenting this experience finally.
5. We are in the middle of doing a Short Sale on our place and will be looking to rent a place closer to my office to reduce my commute. We're still debating the pros and cons of locations and amenities. A lot has to do with our daycare decisions. More on that later.
   

So that's my quick update.... oh, and one more thing.

IT'S A GIRL (insert both ultrasound technician's disclaimers here)

NaBloPoNO!

For the last 3 years, I have participated in NaBloPoMo, a challenge to post on your blog every day for the month of November. I wasn't successful each year, but I always got something great out of it. WRITING!

I am not the most skilled writer but what I get out of writing is a form of therapy, improve writing composition and thankfully some great Bloggy Friends. Some days of November I would be really scrapping by on what to write about, and last year I was pregnant during November (ended in miscarriage but that's another story) but we weren't telling yet so that was soooo hard to not write about what was on my mind.

This year, I am pregnant again (small update - 12 weeks... Woo!) but have told people already so I thought I would easily do NaBloPoMo again and just gush baby drivel. But instead I find myself with carpal tunnel and tendinitis in both arms (worse now with the pregnancy), and in a few stressful situations (work, housing, financial fun, etc.) and did I mention I'm exhausted? I find I have little time for reading blogs, let alone writing anything for my own.

I'm only writing this now because I woke up in the middle of the night and meditation and breathing exercises were not helping the insomnia. Probably stupid for me to get on the computer, but there was a work email nagging me to get out.

So this year, November started without me writing a post each day. It probably would have been good therapy for me, so maybe I'll try to write a little more on here anyway even without the official challenge. They may be short posts, as the burning pain can only be ignored so long, but I'll try to post more just the same.

Welcome to my non-challenge yet still challenging November challenge.

3rd Times a Charm

Funny thing.... you know how in this post I was just saying how I am now 35 and that I was all boo hoo about fertility and complications and never wanting to get to this age without having kids and all that blah blah blah?

Well, the day I wrote that, I didn't know that I was already pregnant!

Knowing I have a "tight" left tube and a submucosal fibroid just under that tubal opening which is possibly the cause of the "tight" tube, I had been recommended to have 2 surgeries. One to look at the tube and possibly remove it if it is obviously abnormal, and the second to "shave" down the fibroid so it didn't affect the uterine cavity. I asked if it was possible to get and have a successful pregnancy with these conditions and was told yes, but chances would be better after the surgeries and the risk of further ectopic pregnancies would be down. I am concerned of doing any possibly unneeded surgeries which add risk to my fertility, so my doctor asked that we try for 3 months and then we should discuss surgery again.
My husband and I work well to deadlines, so sure enough with the 3rd cycle after that discussion with my doctor we successfully got pregnant.

Ok, so I probably shouldn't say anything because we are still in the "Worry Time" but when is it not the worry time when it comes to pregnancy?

I am only 6 weeks pregnant but have been pained to walk up and down stairs for weeks without holding my chest, have been readily gagging for at least 2 weeks, and last week I was hit over the head with the almost constant desire to be unconscious. No food is satisfying right now, as I am either really hungry or feeling ill. I have been forcing myself to eat and rarely can get full before I get too nauseous so I'm just constantly hungry which makes me more nauseous. Sure I complain from time to time to my girlfriends, but really I am thrilled to feel this way... well, most of the time.

My beta-hCG numbers looked great at 4 weeks and tripled in 2 days. And today I had an early ultrasound to make sure this was not another ectopic pregnancy and it's definitely a uterine pregnancy and we saw a little flicker of a heartbeat. No measurements were taken today as its still a little too early to do that with the in-office ultrasound. I go back on Tuesday to start the pile of paperwork and to schedule my first real pre-natel appointment.

2 pregnancies ago, we had a heartbeat and growth up to 8.5 weeks so I know that the drop to 10% chance of miscarriage once there is a heartbeat doesn't mean a whole lot when you've been in that 10%. We do have a little issue of a fibroid above the implantation site, and development is going to be closely monitored. I will have more ultrasounds then your standard pregnancy and am considered high risk due to multiple factors:
fibroid uterus = risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, preterm labor, placenta abruption, etc
previous uterine scar tissue = risk of placenta accreta
previous uterine surgery = risk of uterine rupture, preterm labor
multiple cervical dialations = risk of incompetent cervix

I have many friends who have a hard time getting pregnant. Me, I can get pregnant but have a history of having a hard time staying that way and for the most part we have an idea of why. I feel grateful that we are not in the position of so many of my friends who have no answers and just keep being told to keep trying and spend so much time, emotions and money on their dream. I guess we too have had our own emotionally trying times, but having an idea of the issues gives us a small sense of power in the situation.

So her we go again!
As we have said since the ectopic in February, 3rd times a charm!

Un-Pausing

Projects tend to get put on pause in this house. They start with vigor but don't quite get finished. This is why we have doors that have been primed to paint, but never painted. Stuff in piles as we started purging out a closet but never decide where to put the stuff that didn't belong there. Walls which are partially painted but the day finished and no one felt like painting the next day, or the next, or the next. And probably why there are STILL cans of paint in the living room.

So this weekend we are un-pausing some projects. Some background on the biggest...

Floors
When we first moved in we decided we would change the kitchen flooring as it is a hunter green faux marble linoleum and the sink in the kitchen.. MATCHES with its hunter green enamel self. The living room carpet was (note I said WAS) pretty nice but after years of living with a cat with a tender tummy.... steam cleaning can only do so much. The upstairs carpeting is a mash-up of what I can only imagine to be SALE deals or free room size chunks the previous owners got their hands on. And we won't go into what happened when Eric removed the popcorn ceiling and then painted knowing we would eventually replace the carpet. Ok I will go into it...he didn't use any sort of protective covering and you know there were drips and spills and uh ohs.

Kitchen
Our kitchen has its original partial board cabinets and to go with the faux marble floor, it has a faux marble laminate counter top too. Someone previous to us decided to paint the cabinets and used FLAT paint. That's right, the paint you CANNOT WASH as it ends up wiping off. IN THE KITCHEN! Brilliant. So the cabinets look like crap. There is actually a missing cabinet and they just put doors over the hole to cover it up. And the guy we bought this place from hired a cheap guy to put in venting for the range hood who CUT HOLES through the cabinets to vent it through the outside wall and into the water heater closet outside and up through the roof. Seeing as this was not approved by the HOA and was not to code, I stopped that work half way through since it wasn't finished when we closed escrow. So now there is a lovely hole running through the cabinets and into the outside shed. AWESOME! Nice and breezy.
Then lets add that some of the cabinet doors are falling off and have been re-screwed on so many times that the "wood" is stripped. I say "wood" because its particle board that is disintegrating.
Oh and the drawers do not have glides, they are wood on wood grinding every time you open them so anything under the drawer gets a showering of particle board dust so I have to wash everything before and after I use it.

Can you tell how much I love my kitchen?

Well, a few years ago.... 4.5 to be exact (note, we moved in 5.5 years ago), I bought some wood laminate flooring to be used downstairs. We had it all worked out. We were going to replace the kitchen cabinets and then put down the floors. That flooring as been sitting next to our front door "acclimating" since the day we brought it home. Our friends ask us over and over, have you taken care of those floors yet?

We have made plans to buy the kitchen cabinets multiple times. We have picked them out, drew up the plans, but never actually purchased them. Thankfully we have also never started the demo because that would be sad, but might have caused us to get moving.

So yesterday, I took the day off and we visited a home design showroom in town that just opened up a month ago. Their parent company mainly works with Banks and property management companies to get properties ready to sell. Many of these places are in foreclosure so the stuff is really reasonably priced and of decent quality. They do flooring, windows, baths and kitchens. You don't have a lot of options for some things they offer and that is how the keep the cost low. AND they do installation.

So on Wednesday, they will be coming out to do measurements and give us a bid on the kitchen, counter tops and the floors. We don't know if they will install the flooring we already have or if we will end up trying to get rid of it on Craigslist, but things are so much more promising now. Since they do installation I have more confidence that this will actually happen. Do it yourself projects have the tendency to stall in this house.

The remainder of the weekend's task list:
Purging a few closets and packing things up that can go away or into storage. The goal is to minimize the things in the house to what we actually use regularly. I have a feeling a lot is going to Goodwill.
I can't wait to get my hands on Eric's closet.... this man has got a lot of shoes (mostly all black) and old T-shirts!

Another Year Older

Yesterday, I added another year to my life officially. I am now the age I never wanted to get to without having kids. I am now the age where all I think about is fertility and healthy babies and how to have a healthy baby all the while trying not to stress about it as that seems to be the biggest evil. I am the age the OB/GYNs tells you it all goes down hill from here but with an odd sense of hope and promise in their voice. I am a statistic. I am 35.

HOLY SHIT! How the hell did this happen?
(BTW - yes Mom, I do swear... I guess it's time to come clean)

I spent the day shopping with my husband and prepping for a snacky food filled affair with some of my closest friends. We bought me a gorgeous Japanese knife and bamboo cutting board, $40 of Bluefin Tuna for Tuna Tar Tar and all the makings for Goi Cuon (Vietnamese Fresh Spring Rolls). I prepared to make sushi rolls for my friends and made about a bazillion spring rolls. As I haven't been in the kitchen much for about 7 months due to pain and I had a blast. I'll be icing my arms all day, but totally worth it.

Due to the good ol' arm pains I also dropped photography, so I decided to say hell with the pain, I want to remember how to use this fancy thing we bought so I brought along the camera. Here are a few photos which are poorly lit and a good reminder that I need to actually USE the settings on the camera or get and learn some photo editing software (which reminds me I need a new computer).

The boys (and Maya) and the food.

The lovely Maya

Autumn and Autumn's Mom (aka Dot)

Julie (aka JellyJules)

The Girls and an IKEA catelog

iPhones users must huddle together for warmth

Don't let him fool you. The cupcakes were delishous! He just had a fever.

A few more photos are here.

Thank you my friends for sharing a lovely evening together! You all make sting of this year a little more bearable.

Hello World. I'm back. Again.

I don't know if anyone is still out there, but something is drawing me back here to talk. Sure, the blog has become a part of my therapy and my way to "process" all the stuff life brings. But it has also brought me some good friends and a way to keep in touch with old ones as our modern day life makes it all just a little bit harder to do. Simply, I miss you guys.

As Jules mentioned yesterday, I haven't been blogging or really typing socially for that matter as I have developed RSI's in both arms. I am diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome on the right side and Tendinitis all over both arms. I work hard and long (too long) and I no longer have time to IM, blog (read or write) or pick up the phone. Typing this right now gives me a burning pain that travels from my right writs, up my arm and down my back. It's AWESOME!

But alas I miss my community. I miss taking time out everyday to at least read about my "bloggy friend's" worlds. I miss writing about the positive things in my life and instead only seem to be drawn here to bitch about the challenges.

Facebook has been an interesting outlet and I've been using it off and on, but the blogosphere gets more out of me and I get more out of it. I also joined Twitter recently (30 minutes ago) but I don't get it but we'll see how that one goes.

So today I am older, and I am taking things back which have gotten away from me. My health. My family. My friends. My Internet. (so profound!)

Whine Party

Today I took a half day off from work as I had scheduled a fun fun GYN procedure in the afternoon. I knew it had the potential to be upsetting, painful and that I very well may want to crawl into bed for the rest of the day.

GOOD THINKING!

Today I had a Saline Sonogram. It isn't super invasive and the uncomfortableness isn't long lasting but it still sucked! This procedure was to look into the insides of 'lady land' to see the reason for the multiple miscarriages. I had a myomectomy 1.5 years ago to remove 2 large fibroid tumors from my uterus which could result in scaring and I also knew that I could have fibroid regrowth. This procedure would hopefully give us a clearer picture as to what is going on in there today.

Many of you ladies who have had early ultrasounds during pregnancy or who have had other reason to look into lady land, are familiar with the not so fun transvaginal ultrasound. I've had lots of these thanks to having fibroids and an ectopic pregnancy and all the fun around those beauties. This sonogram is like that one, but they also insert a catheter and fill you up with saline so they can see a contrast. Basically you expect some cramping and discomfort. Which yea... sucked and I totally should have listened to the advice the great Internets gave me which was to take pain meds ahead of time.

The thing that isn't sitting well with me was the infertility clinic NP who performed the procedure. My doctor had planned on being there but was out sick today. Since my doctor wasn't there the NP asked me for my history so she knew what she was looking for. She seemed shocked at all I'd been through which didn't sit well with me that she was unaware of my case. She didn't explain the procedure and just started.

TMI alert!

#1 - the speculum was too big and she was ROUGH! Let's just say I am still uncomfortable. I've had painful experiences with the torture devise known as the speculum, but this was ridiculous pain.

#2 - The pain around the filling of the uterus was expected from my internet reading but I am still in shock that she didn't explain anything. I mostly felt terrible for Eric as he sat by me wincing every time I made a peep. I am generally a very quiet patient with a high pain tolerance but I could not just lay there today.

#3 - I was already upset about the potential outcome of this procedure because while this would hopefully give us some answers to the miscarriages, this would also tells us the next steps which could include surgery to remove more fibroids and/or scar tissue. So as she was pointing to things on the screen and saying 'that looks like scar tissue', 'there is a fibroid', 'there is another fibroid' , she suddenly said "OH! Look at THAT!" which you never want to hear while in such a precarious position. Those ultrasound images are hard to read if you don't know what you are looking at (I include myself in the not knowing crowd), but then she said "it looks all spider webby in there!", which of course I can't see but ok, that doesn't sound good. She said based on my history she is thinking it is scar tissue from the surgery but my doctor will have to do a hysteroscopy to know for sure (basically sticking a camera all up in my business to see more stuff).
My general opinion is that this kind of news, especially in an infertility clinic, should not be delivered in such a manner and fully feel that if my doctor was there that this experience would have been different.

#4 - When we talked about the ectopic pregnancy she asked if I had an HSG test yet, and when I said no and she was surprised. Then she asked what my treatment was for the ectopic, which was methotrexate injections, and she said, "You do know not to get pregnant for 3 months, right?" which is not what my doctor said. Again, I don't think that exchange would have happened like that if my doctor was in the room.

So now we know there are more issues in lady land. AWESOMENESS!

After the appointment, we got a late lunch because I couldn't eat anything this morning out of being too crazed with work stuff to take the time. So we went to a nearby diner which we had never been to and I drowned my fears, pain and sorrow in a giant strawberry milkshake which had fresh strawberries and really good vanilla ice cream and wasn't too sweet, a giant helping of french fries which might have been the most potatoey and yummy french fries ever, and a big bacon cheeseburger (ahh yea, you know what I'm talking about!) with thick cut bacon, and a cleary hand patted patty that was at least an inch thick. Eric had eaten lunch already so he enjoyed a housemade bearclaw, many of my fries and we split the shake.
Black Bear Diner -- Check it!

After getting home, I basically slept the rest of the day away (since I had worked until 2am a few nights in a row, I think it was well needed)

So that's the current update in the adventure of me and my dreams of being a parent. I used to believe that being a parent was the whole point to my life, and while my experience with fibroids and lots of therapy has helped me adjust my perspective and accept that I'm ok as is, the dream is still alive but the pressure isn't as great (all the time).

Brief Update

Just stopping to say hi and to throw out a little update.

• Wrists still hurt... better but still hurt and am now awaiting my worker's comp insurance to approve the physical therapy. Considering my case was opened at the end of January, this is getting ridiculous.
  
• Working too much, trying to figure out how to find the balance.
• Got a new tooth night guard because the stress is some how showing up in my mouth. Jaw clenching and pushing my tongue against my teeth and moving them. Who knew that clenching causes gum recession and flaking off enamel. Also causes wallet lightening because mouth guards are EXPENSIVE! This is my second in 2 years.
• In the attempt to reduce stress and in celebration of getting home while it was still light out, we went for a jog yesterday and surprised myself at going 1.5 miles after no exercise for months. That may not sound like much but to me it totally is. I was able to pretty much chat with Eric the whole time. We even managed to sing this song for a short chunk of the route...
  

Milestone day

Today is a day which will be marked on the calendar. Ok, maybe it won't be because it depresses me a little even as I try to look at the upside to it.

Today I am reminded I am older.
I am no longer dealing with teen angst... much.
I am not afraid of the bullies.... much.
I am able to go to the store and buy what I want... mostly....on credit.... but I don't because I also know the difference between need and want.
I am wiser.
I am stronger.
I am a little bigger too... but we're trying to stick to the positives here.
I don't care as much about wearing the perfect outfit so the cute boy behind me mind notice me.
I've accepted I have straight hair and no longer feel the need to put chemicals in it to change it's structure so it frizzes out instead of laying all shiny and straight.
I have accepted that I am no longer a size 0-2, even if I haven't quite accepted my current size.
I like that I can't see my ribs anymore because that was kinda gross.
I make pretty decent money without getting up at 4am to throw papers at people's houses.
I have learned that being treated badly by a man is NOT OK! and there are other fish in the sea!
I own stuff.
I have found my own voice and use it regularly.
I may not still regularly speak to my friends from my childhood but I have surrounded myself with who I feel are life long friends.
I've accepted it is ok to loose touch.

So even though I am reminded about all of these GOOD things at this point in my life (plus more but my wrists are starting to say we've had just about enough typing for the moment), today is a milestone day which depresses me a little because....

I FOUND MY FIRST GREY HAIR!
It's too soon! It's just too soon!
I also have dark dark brown hair and this hair is white white white and kinky and right in my part on top of my head.

sigh... so much for not caring so much about my hair.
BACK TO THE BOTTLE!

44 Meme

Because I haven't written anything but sad medical crap for a while now, I thought I'd take J's prompting from her meme post today and follow through with completing it myself.

44 Things about me!

1. Do you like blue cheese?
Indeedy I do. Maytag Blue is my favorite. Really creamy.

2. Have you ever been drunk?
I have, although not recently. For some reason I decide to drink the most at company parties. I guess FREE is a big thing for me so I feel the need to partake. Good thing the company doesn't throw parties anymore. Upside of the recession?

3. Do you own a gun?
That would be a BIG NO!

4. What flavor of Kool-Aid was your favorite?
Fruit Punch or Cherry

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Usually no, but lately yes.

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Hot Cocoa, Hot Water or Vente Non-Fat Sugar-Free Hazelnut Steamer, thank you very much!

9. Can you do push ups?
Yes, but no to the pull ups. And actually at the moment I can do neither due to the wrist issues.

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
Wedding/Engagement Ring. It sparkles real pretty.

11. Favorite hobby?
hands down... BAKING!

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
YES! Not diagnosed but I think it is pretty obvious.

13. What’s your favorite shoe?
I have these pair of sandals with a chunky 2 inch heal and stretchy strappy upper which I LOVE but am afraid this will be their last year. I don't have many shoes because my feet have issues and when I find shoes that are comfortable, I wear them until they fall apart. Such is the reason I am usually in highly unfashionable running shoes.

14. Middle name?
Rebecca -- and I LOVE IT!

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
My hands/wrists hurt
I probably shouldn't be typing this right now
Why is there only one more thin mint sitting in front of me?

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Water, Milk, Hot Cocoa (which is mostly milk... right?)

17. Current worry?
WORK SHIT!
and
What am I going to wear this weekend to Starshine's play?

18. Current hate right now?
anything having to do with our flooring at home.... ok and also the perpetually moldy caulking in the corners of our tub/shower which needs to be stripped out and redone. Yea I know... gross!

19. Um, where did 19 go?
After reading this Meme a few times I am going with the same assumption as everyone else and talk about when I was 19. 19 went down the toilet with working at a burger joint, dating an abusive guy, calling off an engagement and going to community college not being able to figure out what is it that I wanted to do when I grew up. BTW - that abusive guy ended up with an abusive girl and later called to apologize.

20. How did you bring in the New Year?
Celebrated Julie's birthday with friends, a yummy dinner and fun games.

21. Where would you like to go?
Anywhere I can use my passport. But mostly right now I want to go home.

22. Name three people who will complete this?
???

23. Do you own slippers?
I do but I don't wear them.

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
Black although I'm also still wearing my big puffy down jacket over it.

25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets?
Nah. I love jersey knit cotton or other natural fiber. currently on the bed are Beech sheets.

26. Can you whistle?
I like to think I can, but not when compared to people who REALLY can.

27. Favorite color?
All my life it has been BLUE, but greens are starting to work their way in.

28. Would you be a pirate?
uh... doubtful. I'm too much of a rule follower (except for the speed limit)

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't really know of any specific songs and it doesn't happen that often. I know Christmas songs and other Churchy related songs creep into my head during those quiet times. Mostly I'm just trying to get out of the shower quickly so as not to waste water.

30. Favorite Girl’s Name?
Kaitlyn - and no we won't be using it because guy from #19 used it.. BASTARD!

31. Favorite boy’s name?
Benjamin - also won't be using it for other reasons.

32. What’s in your pocket right now?
Nadda

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
Co-worker talking about how his wife spent $380 on 2 pairs of jeans and other co-worker said, "but just think of how hot she'll look while you are eating Top Ramen when you are both laid off in a few months."

34. Best bed sheets as a child?
The only sheets I really remember were these ones with Rainbow Brite on them which I never understood why my mom bought them because I didn't even like Rainbow Brite and I was too old at the time for character sheets. These also happen to be the sheets I got for Christmas one year (yea, sheets for Christmas... WOO!) but I found the receipts and tags in the trash and was SO BUMMED and ungrateful that I do believe I cried to my mom about them who was furious. Yea... that whole story is probably why remember those sheets.

35. Worst injury you’ve ever had as a child?
Dislocated my elbow, chipped bone and broke nerves while doing an Aerial in gymnastics. I landed the trick but managed to do all of that damage in the air. Never felt a thing due to the broken nerves but was in the hospital for weeks and was scared most of the time.

36. Do you love where you live?
BIG NO!

38. Who is your loudest friend?
Hmmm.... probably Michelle although I haven't seen her for years I still consider her a good friend. I think she'd agree.

39. How many dogs do you have?
None. although I have 2 cat's which Dot refers to as dogs.

40. Does someone have a crush on you?
Yes and I share a bed and last name with him. HOT!

41. What is your favorite book?
Tough one. I don't read much but if I finish a book it's generally because I loved it.

42. What is your favorite candy?
OH man this one is tough because I admit to loving candy. I'll name a few:
Giant Chewy Sweettarts
See's Butterscotch Suckers
See's Milk Bordeaux
See's Butterscotch Square
Shocktarts
Peanut butter cups

43. Favorite Sports Team?
None

44. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Uhhh....something kinda cheerful and pretty please.

Learning Patience

So I guess an update is in order.

I saw my doctor on Thursday who at the time was still feeling this was a normal miscarriage. She did an in-office ultrasound which didn't really answer the if this is an intrauterine or ectopic pregnancy. She saw things that made her think it could be either.

Not very definitive.

So she had me do another round of blood tests to see where my beta-hCG levels were. If they were dropping quickly it sounds like a normal miscarriage. If they weren't we were back to thinking it is ectopic.

Blood drawn and waiting commences.

Friday 7am
I'm up, showered, dressed and about to head out the door to a crazy day at work when the phone rings. It's my doctor calling to say that my numbers did not drop, she is concerned the pregnancy is ectopic, she is in the OR all day but had a cancellation and would like to bring me in to do a D&C and then a possible laparoscopic surgery to look for and remove the pregnancy if she doesn't find it in the uterus. She asks, "Do you think you can make that happen today?" Even though my day is full of busy crazy important work, I say "I'll make it happen."
She assures me that my numbers have dropped so low that there is no way this pregnancy is viable even though they are not dropping anymore. They are in the 300's at this point, when they were in the 700's a week earlier and should have been doubling every 2-3 days.
I'm instructed to not eat or drink anything and to come in at noon to be prepped for surgery in the afternoon.
I email my boss to tell him what is happening and he is more than supportive. I try to do as much emailing and work as I can do as I am quickly getting more and more anxious.

Friday 11am
The Operating Room Admin calls to say that my doctor will no longer be able to do my procedure today and that she'll call me this afternoon when she gets out of surgery to talk about the next steps, but that I am clear to eat now.

WHAT?
More waiting....

Friday 12noon
My doctor calls another doctor who's nurse calls me to say that I need to go to the hospital imaging department to get an Ultrasound done at 1pm. There were no appointments available but they have been told I'm coming. I ask if I am to drink the requisite 32 oz of water to have a full bladder for the scan and she says just to drink a little. Usually OB ultrasounds are done by a different department, but the hospital imaging department does them when there is an emergency and I unfortunately know this because this will be my third. AWESOME!

Worry sets in

Friday 1:30pm
I drink a glass of water as we drive to the hospital and of course I get there and they say my bladder isn't full enough for the scan (BECAUSE I WAS TOLD NOT TO FILL IT!). So I chug the 32 oz and sit in the waiting room waiting for it to make its way down.

Friday 2:30pm
HELLO FULL BLADDER!
Scan commences. I chit chat with the technician about iPhones and such. We talk about all sorts of random things. I will say that all of the technicians are so nice there!
And now it's time for the OTHER part of this scan. I never talk during this part. It's just weird. But this part of the scan goes on, and on, and HURTS in certain spots. It's clear she is taking a lot of images of certain areas. This part took almost an hour. She reviewed the images with the radiologist who asked for more images... wee!
When all is done, the tech says I REALLY need to follow-up with my doctor.

I felt like crap after that ultrasound but to avoid the next step we went out to get some dinner. Eric was really hungry and we all needed a break from the craziness of the past few days. But now what?
Do I wait for my doctor to call me or do I call the on-call GYN to find out answer?
I opt to wait... it's a lot easier.

Friday 6pm
Phone rings and it is an anesthesiologist calling to say that she is putting me on the surgical board for Saturday at 1pm to make sure I don't get bumped again.
WHAT?
I haven't heard from anyone about my ultrasound yet. I haven't heard from my doctor about the next steps and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be the one doing my procedure if I had it done on a Saturday. I'm totally confused.
Just in case, the anesthesiologist did the full pre-surgical interview.

I email my doctor just in case she checks it. I'm a little panicked and am not comfortable with someone else doing my surgery. I trust my doctor and don't want just anyone cutting into me.

Friday 6:30pm
I call the advise nurse who can contact the on-call gynecologist to find out the results of my ultrasound and who has hopefully been in contact with my doctor to know the plan.
With my insurance group I have to first talk to a non-medical rep in a call center and have to tell them my whole deal before they will transfer me to the advise nurse. Once I get to the advice nurse I have to tell it all again. The advise nurse finds out that the on-call GYN is familiar with my name and needs to review all of the reports and would call me in 30 minutes. She says that if I haven't heard anything by 8pm to call again.

Knowing that the on-call GYN knows my name is worrisome. So we continue waiting.

Friday 8pm
Still no call, so I have to make the call again.
Again I have to tell the whole story of the day... twice. Of course I don't get the same rep and nurse.
They tell me he'll call as soon as he can and to call back if he still hasn't called before I go to bed.

Waiting continues....

Friday sometime after 9pm
HE CALLS! Eric wants to know what he's saying and is brilliant and picks up the other phone to join in (I couldn't even think of such an idea my brain was swirling around too much)
Ultrasound results
It is still not clear if the pregnancy is intrauterine or ectopic. WHAT? They see something in both places (that's what we knew about the little in-office machine too). Ok great, no real answers.
While my doctor wanted to do the surgery to get definitive answers, she agreed with the on-call GYN that we should go the route of treating me with medication to end the pregnancy so we do not risk affecting my fertility more than needed. Either way, an ectopic pregnancy is a risk to my health so action had to happen right away.
Usually this drug is administered at the Chemo clinic because the drug is a low dose of chemo but the clinic is only open M-F and my doctor did not want to wait any longer. The doctors set it up that I would get the drug administered at the ER the next day. I had to wait until the main pharmacy was open so they could mix up the drug so 10am the next morning would be it.

Breathing still....

Saturday 8am
My Doctor calls to apologize for all of the drama, waiting and confusion of the day before and to talk to me about the findings, and the new plan and lets me ask all of my questions. She is clearly sick herself and I can hear the beeps of the ER in the background. I later learn she has another patient in there with a REAL emergency in the ER.
She advises that I not eat or drink anything just in case the surgery comes up again while in the ER.
Turns out she was in surgery all day the day before and was already scrubbed in when she found out I was being bumped from the surgical board. She then had issues with her remote access and couldn't look up my phone number to call me herself the night before. She called the on-call GYN and he said he'd do the calling.


Saturday 10am
I'm HUNGRY!
We are back in the ER. Much of the same staff is there who were there when I was there the week before. Oddly comforting.
I'm prepared this time. I bring reading material. My iPhone is fully charged. I bring all of my prescriptions and copies of my EKGs from the previous week because the anesthesiologist couldn't find them in the system. Most importantly I bring a pair of really lovely fuzzy soft socks and a hoodie to put on over the backless gown. I had a feeling we would be doing a lot of waiting around.
I first need some blood work done to make sure my liver and kidneys are doing well and to get a beta-hCG level as a baseline for the post-injection blood work I'll get every few days until my levels are back to zero. They say I need a GOOD IV to get the injection so they want to do that to get the blood too.
My arms aren't so good for blood work and worse for IVs so a few nurses come in and out looking and smacking and then turning to get someone else. One nurse tries and fails but all of the other nurses won't poke without knowing they will get it. A few hours pass and they finally learn that I don't need the IV and that any ol'blood draw will do.
Finally it is time for the injection and the new on-call GYN comes in to do it. She's the only one certified to give a chemo injection on-call at the time. My doctor told me about her and that she had already talked to her about the plan. I ask even more questions and we talk about what to expect and she again reassures me that my beta-hCG levels definitely show a miscarriage and very likely an ectopic pregnancy. She makes sure I am ready and then its time for the shots.
IT BURNS and 4 days later it still hurts.

Now we are back to waiting. More blood work to see where my levels end up. If they don't go down then another set of shots and more waiting. If that doesn't work then we're back to scheduling surgery.


The last few days have been full of ups and downs and side effects. I've been home from work because I feel like crap and hurt physically, am extremely fatigued and admittedly emotionally not all together. Even the bit of work I've done has left me in tears. Thankfully I am feeling physically better tonight and am hoping the nausea I had last night doesn't return.
As I talked to my therapist about, this time is going to be emotionally and physically very different. At this moment it is feeling terribly harder and this time I don't know if I'm going to be strong enough to be as optimistic as I once was.

Dr Called....Again

My beta-hCG values have dropped to 398.
So it looks like I'm miscarrying again. I go in to see my doctor on Thursday.

DAMN IT!
CRAP!
GRUMBLE!
POO!
FRICK!


...
sigh

Dr Called...

Turns out my OB was in today so I left her a message that I was concerned about my beta-hCG results. She said the levels are high enough that she's not concerned about ectopic anymore, and that she has seen this slow rise before and it be totally normal. She wants me to go back in today to get another test done.
If they are still low for this many days past ovulation, then she'll want to see me as something is wrong. If they are back on track, then she'll want to see me next week for an early ultrasound or do another blood test. She said as long as I don't have sharp pains or a fever or short of breath then I should be fine.

Next step... get poked again and then wait for her to call me.

Sharing News

Ok, so here is what I want to share....

News#1
After last Sunday, I had another heart palpitation episode which was stronger, longer and scarier. It woke me up in the middle of the night and we went to the ER right away. They immediately did an EKG without me even signing in. They caught the palpitation on the EKG unlike last time. Then over the next few hours I remained hooked up to the monitor with an irregular heart beat, with the monitor alarming every few minutes saying I was in VTACH or Non-sustaining VTACH or some other acronyms I don't remember. They did a few more EKGs while I had an even "funkier" rhythm, as my nurse called it.

The ER doctor ordered lots and lots of blood work, I was given an IV and put on oxygen. He then ordered a chest x-ray which I was very hesitant to agree to because I am ...

News #2
...Pregnant again (just 5 weeks so I probably shouldn't say anything but I am because that's what I do and I have crap to talk about here)

After finally getting them to let Eric back to talk to me, and the radiology tech expressed his concern, we called Eric's friend who is a cardiologist and gave him the low down and he said it didn't sound like I needed the chest xray and he advised we refuse it. After much todo, the ER Doc talked to the on-call cardiologist who said it was fine to skip the xray. I also emailed my OB, who responded that it would have been fine to do but sounded like the cardiologist felt it was also fine to skip.

A bit later, they tried injecting calcium as it can help the heart. Did nothing.
Then they tried injecting a beta-blocker. Slower heart rate, but still palpitating. I did feel the immediate change though. Then they gave me a pill form of the beta-blocker and an hour later..... regular beats between palpitations. YAY! And then all regular beats.
and then it became really boring as my phone battery was dying so I could no longer check email or update Facebook which was the only thing entertaining me because Eric was asleep at this point (he can sleep through anything!).
Since I was stabilizing they decided not to admit me, and a few hours later they discharged me and sent me over to cardiology for a Echo cardiogram and to meet with my brand new shiny Cardiologist. I'm 34 and have a Cardiologist. Oh and by the way, an Echo with pregnant boobs... PAINFUL!

My Cardiologist, cute little blond pregnant thing that she is, felt the Echo was normal but wanted to consult her colleagues and the Electrophysiologist about my EKGs to figure out where the irregular beats were coming from. She also switched me to a different beta-blocker medication which has been studied more with pregnancies. She felt the palpitations are being triggered by the pregnancy and should go away after I deliver.

Since Thursday, I've only had one little heart flutter and have mostly felt ok in the heart department. I'm a little lightheaded and really tired, but that could be a symptom of the pregnancy or the medication. Hard to tell.

Ok, so on to the pregnancy. YAY! First try after the miscarriage last December!
BUT.....
With these heart palpitations, my doctor is a little concerned about Eptopic pregnancy. Since the first episode stopped on its own, she was less worried but still wanted me to do a round of quantitative Beta-hCG testing to make sure the pregnancy is progressing normally. First test was at about 18 DPO and was 615, which is pretty high for that far along. My doctor emailed me and said to go back in 48 hours and then we'd see how it's going. I did the test but didn't hear back from her. Waiting through Friday and the weekend. Then today I went to email her but the email system said she was out until Wednesday. So I decided to call her office to get the results myself which I am now regretting. 48 hours later the hCG level should have doubled, but it was only at 782. Poooo

Could be a vanishing twin.
Could be Ectopic.
Could be I'm miscarrying again.
Could be I'm in that 15% who's levels do not double every 48 hours but even those usually have complications.
Could be no problem at all.
(Stupid internet providing me with more information than I wish to have at this moment)

I should have waited to let my doctor tell me her thoughts but now I get to try not to worry for the next 2 days.

So that's my news. Off to ice my wrists. Too much typing.