Saturday, December 13, 2008

With the Good... sometimes comes the not so good.

Last June, Eric and I planned for our wonderfully casual and love filled day of our wedding - Good! What we didn't plan for was me hemorrhaging at the rehearsal. Oh yea.. AWESOME, but not so good.

The day of the wedding was exhausting and totally lovely, and the best thing was that we ended the day becoming our own little 2 person family. GOOD! But then we didn't get to go on our honeymoon because the day after the wedding, my body decided to pick up where it left off at the rehearsal. The night before we were to fly out to Hawaii, we spent the night in the ER while I received 4 pints of O+, a diagnosis that surgery was unavoidable, and the news that our eminent trip to Hawaii would be ill advised. Not so good.

Then in August I had said surgery which was deemed a success. GOOD! But we wouldn't know if I would be able to get pregnant until we tried which was NOT ALLOWED for at least a year. Not So Good.... but hopeful!

Then this past July we were given the go ahead to start trying. GOOD!
And trying was fun, and frustrating, and calculated, and brought us together, and well... Good, but sometimes not as good.

A few months go by and lots of sticks were pee'd on between ovulation monitors and I'm-not-even-late-yet-but-why-not pregnancy tests. One morning I casually pee'd on another stick and got in the shower (by now a familiar routine). We were both in the bathroom a tad later, brushing our teeth or applying make-up (I'm pretty sure I had the make-up and Eric had the tooth brush), and then I looked down at the pee'd upon stick. TWO LINES! GOOD! GOOD! GOOD! GOOD!

Didn't even know this would be possible! YAY GOOD!

Doctor was called. Ultrasounds were checked to make sure the placement was good as there was high risk of eptopic pregnancy after the surgery. The location wasn't too close to my surgical scar or other existing fibroid (grumble there is already another fibroid), so they shouldn't cause any problems. All looked good! Even a tiny little flutter of a heartbeat was there.
GOOD!
Boobs sore - check
all day nausea - check
pants slowly not fitting anymore - check
baby books piled on the night stand - check

All looking good.
Even got to cancel the fertility tests which were scheduled to begin that very month. WOO!

THEN.....

Second Ultrasound. Ohh! The squiggly image on the screen is way bigger, even baby shaped with little legs and things! Strong heartbeat (all three of us!). The size is a good half week smaller then expected, but that's ok, every one is a little different. That's a heartbeat! The heartbeat is the important part! Excitement grows because I feel we can finally tell family. I can finally tell the story on my blog! DYING not being able to write this down for you fine people! I've been planning for months to tell you all! I have pictures of positive pregnancy tests and scanned in ultrasound pictures and all sorts of little cute stories to tell of picking names and dreams and fun stuff.
Good! Good! Good!

Thanksgiving comes and my parents are here, and I tell my parents. A few days later I call my brother. A few days later I tell people at work, even though my boss knew because I had one particularly bad morning sickness week.
GOOD!
Eric decided to wait to tell his family when we are with them for Christmas. Well.. not exactly what I was hoping for because that means waiting another month for the blog. Still Good!

This week....

I start spotting some brown stuff. It's ok, lots of people spot! I would normally be getting my period today. It's all good right? Advice nurse schedules an appointment for the next day but since its hardly anything there's no worry. Let's just get checked out just in case. To be safe, let's do a semi-bed rest. Yea.. ok. Bed rest. Uh... not so good.

Hours before the appointment, its not brown stuff anymore, it's blood but still very very little. Yea, that's still ok right? RIGHT?
Appointment time comes. My doctor wasn't available so I have some new man saying things to me, and poking and looking and reassuring me. Then another ultrasound (I'm old hat at this now). More poking, some prodding to "wake it up", but its small. like 2 weeks ago small. And it's not moving. We just see my heartbeat in the image getting harder and harder. I ask what if questions and what's next and options and things were schedules, and my arm was continuously stroked by new Dr. man.
NOT SO GOOD! NOT GOOD AT ALL! BAD! VERY BAD!

A formal ultrasound was scheduled with the big fancy machine at the imaging lab to confirm the diagnosis (isn't that a terribly cold word?). Technician knows I already know, and my fancy OB surgical doctor was certain of the diagnosis but said to go through with the ultrasound because they can get a report on the fibroid in there. Technician and I get along great. I'm able to laugh, relax and just go with it. Half way through she gets really quiet and moves more slowly, asks a few questions tenderly, and then its over.
Confirmed.
Sigh. It's not so bad anymore. Not good, but time has given me the ability to get used to the idea.

So I sit at home now. Waiting. Waiting for my body to catch up with what is going on and to do the natural thing. The last scan shows development stopped at 8.5 weeks, only a few days after the previous scan, possibly a few days after Thanksgiving. It's been two weeks, and it is apparent that my body doesn't get it and I will have to have a D&C. The procedure is already scheduled, but it is still a week out. And joy of joys.... we fly out to the East Coast the very next morning to be with Eric's family for Christmas, which was when we were supposed to be telling them our joyous news.

But during this time, I still have to wait. Just in case my body suddenly decides it has figured it all out and puts me through what I hear to be a very messy, emotionally exhausting, and painful hell. After which I will hopefully feel a sense of relief and emotional closure. I'm not about to go through that at the office or in the middle of my commute, which is 1.5 hours away from my comfy blankets and loving kitties and do-anything-he-can-possibly-do-for-me husband, so the wonderful people I work with are letting me work from home or to not work but to be at home when I just can't keep thinking about schedules and issues and designs which seem so very unimportant right now.

So in all of this, we now know we CAN get pregnant (GOOD!) but this time all of the little miracles that needed to happen perfectly to make the most wonderful of miracles, didn't happen in that perfect way. (not so good)

Sigh.

9 comments:

Starshine said...

Oh, Cherry, I'm so sorry. Sending you a big hug with lots of love.

~Donna~ said...

Oh Cherry...I'm so sorry too. Lots of love and hugs and hope that it will happen for you guys again soon...when you are able and ready to try again...

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

I'm so sad for you both, and so very much hoping that the very next time is the time when all of the miracles line up for you and you get your bundle of joy.

For now, though, for now...please let me know if there's anything you want or need, and I'll be RIGHT THERE.

xoxoxo

Gina said...

Cherry, sweetie... My litttle one stopped growing at five weeks, so I know exactly what you are going through.

It is so hard. You are so brave to try to put a positive face on it.

If you need to talk, please don't hesitate to email.

Anonymous said...

Cherry - I'm sending you lots of love and virtual hugs. If you want company please let me know! (Amy)

LynnDenise said...

Cherry, I am so sorry.

Autumn's Mom said...

It's hard now. You are surrounded by so much love. Let me know, whatever you need, it's yours.

Ted said...

Like everyone else, I too am so sorry. Seriously, if you need anything from me or Julie or even Maya, we'll be there!

Laura said...

Cherry my heart hurts for you. I am glad that you know you can get pregnant, and so very sad that this has happened to you. Much love and hugs.