Tuesday, March 28, 2006
E: "Have you made much progress?"
C: "What do you mean?"
E: "With your drive."
C: "Oh yea, I'm at the tunnel. There isn't much traffic at 8:30 at night" (The tunnel is about half way home and tonight it only took me 25 minutes to get home as opposed to the normal 1-1.5 hours)
E: "Oh my god! I gotta go clean the kitchen."
E: "So it will be clean."
C: "Well alright then."
What can I say? I'm not going to argue with a man who wants to clean the kitchen! And to boot! He had dinner waiting for me when I walked in the door. He knows how to speak my love language.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Cherry: I'm broken
Cherry: I'm totally totally broken
Cherry: I am afraid of love
Cherry: I'm afraid of being loved
Cherry: yet I need to be loved
Cherry: I worry about doing a good job because I need to be loved and wanted and needed
Cherry: I'm so totally broken
peeegon: You're NOT broken.
Cherry: not broken
Cherry: but I am not good
Cherry: I'm so not good
Cherry: I need this all to stop
Cherry: stop the worry
Cherry: stop the stress
peeegon: I LOVE you, and we will learn how to love eachother well and be loved.
Cherry: BTW - I have had so many breakthroughs today and this weekend that my head hurts
Cherry: it hurts a whole lot
peeegon: i'm sorry about the hurting. i can't wait to hear all about the breakthroughs when you're ready.
Cherry: of course I havent had any breakthoughs in how to fix this shit, but I've had breakthroughs in the roots of these issues
Cherry: thank you
Cherry: I do love you
Cherry: and I think I know how to do that, but I need to learn how to do it in the way you need it, but without feeling like I'm changing me
Cherry: and I need to learn how to let you in
Cherry: and to let you love me
Cherry: you're right!
Cherry: I'm not letting you in
Cherry: I'm scared
Cherry: I guess its being scared
Cherry: I assume its being scared
Cherry: do you think i'm scared?
Cherry: HOLY CRAP!
Cherry: don't be pushed away by me being scared
Cherry: stay right there ok?
peeegon: yes, i will stay with you!!!
Cherry: by george! I think we've got it!
Cherry: I'm freakin scared of letting you in
Cherry: cause I never saw the freakin love with my parents
Cherry: my parents never said, I love you to each other
Cherry: to us
Cherry: to anyone
Cherry: when Dot used to tell me she loves me, I would get all squirmy
Cherry: but I've learned to accept the friend love
Cherry: I learned to accept the BF love
Cherry: but by golly! I dont think I know how to accept husband type love
Cherry: know what I mean?
Cherry: there is a difference between BF and husband love
peeegon: umm... i think i need clarification.
Cherry: BF love ends, its temporary
Cherry: BF's come and go
Cherry: but partner/husband love is forever
Cherry: that is freakin scary!
Cherry: does that help in the clarification?
Cherry: dont' be sad
peeegon: i'm not sad
Cherry: this is kinda cool
peeegon: i am very happy
peeegon: smiling big
Cherry: kinda can't breath though
peeegon: intrigued and hopefull
Cherry: Holy crapoly
Cherry: thats what I meant to type
Cherry: although holy crapoly is funny too
peeegon: i can't wait to hear how you came to your breakthroughs and to hear more about them. i can't wait for you to come home to me!
Cherry: do you mind if I post this IM?
Cherry: this is an awesome discovery
Cherry: I want to share it
peeegon: i don't mind.
Cherry: and there is something about this IM that is funny and amazing at the same time
Cherry: I love you
Cherry: in a GF transitioning into wifey type of love
Cherry: oh god.. now I am crying
I was telling her that I hope that I will be able to let go of my thoughts and worries about the projects I am working on when I leave this company (4 more days! Woo hoo!). And she asked, why would I not be able to? She asked why I think and worry about my job at night? That there must be some thing that I get out of it.
I don’t know why I worry so much. That the only thing I get out of it is very little sleep and lots of headaches and ulcers. She said that the projects I work on will live on without me (THAT pissed me off, because that is not what I was upset about). I don’t want to screw over my friends and co-workers. I already don’t like that I was not able to do a quality job here, and I’m not leaving things all nice and tidy. I remind myself this is a big reason why I’m leaving. I have low self-esteem and am constantly concerned with what people think of me and my work. When I leave here, I will no longer have the ability to fix anything. The project I am leaving will be the last memory people have of me. It may matter in my future, it may not. But damn it, I need them to still love me.
OH MY GOD! I do still have that worry. I had thought I had gotten past that need. (Dot I know you are laughing). I need therapy. Lots of it. But I don’t like facing all of these aspects of me. I don’t like feeling like I’m broken. Every time I realize there is something in me that is not a good trait, I feel broken and then I worry about it. I will stay up all night long worrying. Well, I don’t stay up, I fall asleep fast because I take Benedryl as a sleep aide, and because I likely didn’t sleep well the night before, but then I wake up around 1:30 and worry. Why do I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about whatever is stressing me out at the moment?
If it’s not about work, it’s about money, or how I hate our house, or the state of our relationship, or if I hurt someone’s feelings with a comment I left on their blog or something I said to a close or even not so close friend. I worry constantly about something. Something could be big or something could be small. Generally I think they are big at the moment, but I’m told most of them mean nothing and should let it go. So then I worry that I worry too much, or maybe not enough. I am in a constant state of worry.
One friend asked me today if I will be able to go into the next job without my pattern of stress and worry. I don’t know. I sure hope so. But she’s right; I’ve done this at every job, and about every aspect of my life. I need it to stop. I need the worry to end. My friends need my worry to end.
Hmmm? Worry. That’s a funny word. It sounds like whirry, like a word you would use to describe the actions of a blender. But no…a yummy smoothie, sauce or soup does not come from my worry.
*** and yes, when I wrote that bit about my friends needing my worry to end, I did worry about their response, cause I know there will be a response. AHHHHHHH. Is there a worry-be-gone pill?
That’s what we did yesterday. We came home from looking at the multitude of open house viewings in our town home complex, got out our list of all the projects we’ve wanted to do and started prioritizing them. Then we looked at the freakin’ cheap ass laminate wood flooring I bought over a year ago that is still sitting in boxes in our living room. Thought about returning it or selling it on Craigslist, and getting something of better quality. Thought about whether to replace or not replace the windows, the popcorn ceiling texture, and the kitchen cabinets.
We thought a lot.
Then I think we sat down on the couch, and suddenly it was Monday. Maybe next week we’ll think about it some more.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
I’m curious if people feel that I was just brave to post something so personal for the world to see? Or is it that I was brave to post something that E would eventually see?
When I was debating whether or not to publish that post, I was most concerned for E’s feelings. I read and re-read it and decided that I wasn’t being overly harsh, and I was simply saying things the way I see them. He didn’t see the post as he doesn’t regularly read my blog, but I did ask him to read this one. I was so distraught by our therapy session, and we hadn’t really talked about it yet, so I wrote down my feelings. I felt better after I did as I was better able to process what was said.
Of course, E didn’t feel the same way. I told him I would take it down if he wanted, and he said he did. I asked why? And he said he felt mis-represented, and there were 2 spots that he was particularly upset about (the two points I said that some actions meant nothing to our relationship – he said they mean something, but not in an intimate way). This is fair because it isn’t a 2-sided blog. It’s me, my feelings, and how I interpret what happens to and around me. The point of my blog is to journal and to share thoughts and experiences. I thought I’d put it out there even though I knew it would light a fire or two. Maybe someone could give some advice, or some supporting words (and thank you all that commented!), and maybe others would find some level of comfort that they weren’t alone in their journey of learning to speak the other person’s love language. (Tracy, we’ve actually both read the book you recommended, a few years ago, maybe its time to pull it out again, Thank you for the reminder!)
So, here we are. We talked, I yelled, I cried a whole lot (to the point I was scared I was being filmed for some sort of crazy person documentary….so not kidding about that). We talked about me going on anti-depressants and the possible reasons why the passion goes away from time to time. We talked about my levels of stress, and the differences between how we view intimacy and closeness in a relationship. We are simply different people. But we are people with hearts full of passion, we are best friends, we help each other see new sides of issues and ways of life. We do truly love each other. We haven’t had the smoothest of relationships, but there is something that keeps us together. We communicate. We talk about this stuff. We don’t keep it bottled up (ok, sometimes it takes an explosion to get the cork to pop, but it comes out eventually).
Maybe we’ll marry, maybe we won’t. I will continue to be true to myself, and he to himself, but we WILL learn to hear, see and understand each other better and better each day.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Not that anyone had the perfect childhood, we both happen to have parents that were in a loveless marriage (oh sure, there was love at one point or another, but not while we were around). Our parents handled this very differently, so we have also turned out very differently. Plus, we have the whole man vs. woman differences, so this makes our main battles quite difficult. The main battles are common, but they are getting in the way of moving forward and is effecting us on all levels.
#1 Issue – Sex
Of course there is the common woman/man difference – she needs to feel loved & safe in the relationship to have sex, he needs to have sex to feel loved & safe in the relationship. Conflict? Yes!
Our specific issues with sex? Some physical conflicts (TMI), some emotional baggage, and some just plain differences in needs and desire.
How do people manage to find their sexual matches out there in the world? Does everyone have these conflicts and they just deal with it? Do people not deal with it and hence have affairs? How do you have a happy and mutually fulfilling relationship with these issues?
In our session last night, E used a word that has not left my mind. He has used this word before, and he has described this feeling before, and it hurts every time he says it. He feels that we have a platonic relationship with occasional “benefits”. He feels that any interaction that I have with him that is something I could do with a friend (mind you I would not necessarily do these with a friend but he feels it is acceptable friend to friend interaction) means nothing towards our relationship. We feel very differently about our interactions.
If I make him the dinner he wants, or call him on the phone just to say hi, he feels that this is something you would do with any friend so it means nothing. For me, it means everything. Even kissing is not enough. It needs to be full-on making out with the intention of intercourse to mean anything to him.
If it’s not sex, or the interaction isn’t in a direct line with the goal of intercourse, it means nothing.
Which of course make him feel like I’m not attracted to him, which is NOT true. I don’t know what it is. I have had this pattern in relationships before, and I know I’m not the only one out there with this pattern. Lots of hot sex at the beginning, and then it pitters out and I just don’t have the need or desire except about once a month (hormones).
I feel that I have lost that passion for a number of reasons:
Emotional Baggage - past/preset mental crap that is hard to get past
Stress - Stress about work, stress about the house, stress about the possible lack of babies in my future, stress about money, stress about stress… you get the picture. Amazingly I have felt a lot less stress since I gave notice at my current job and finally made the decision about my next job (that was a very hard decision). I have been thinking about sex more, and have been wanting to get closer with E. I need to really manage this stress when the new job starts, because I cannot continue that kind of lifestyle as its not healthy for me or our relationship.
Hormones – I have often speculated that birth control pills are screwing me over in this department. I have tried a number of them and my libido is different on each one, but my libido was never higher then when I wasn’t on any. I’ve talked with my GYN about this for years and he keeps trying me on different doses and brands, but none really seem to do the trick. I also have trouble with incredibly heavy bleeding, break-through and bad cramps, so the brand/dose switching is also for those reasons. Recently he recommended that I start taking Fish Oil capsules to help with the stress and depression and just maybe the libido. He has also put me on continuous therapy where you only have your period once every 3 months. This may be good…. It may be bad. We’ll see.
Our possible biggest hurdle
Stalled out Relationship - this may be a big fat excuse or it may have some truth to it, I don’t know. Since our relationship has been in this maybe move forward, maybe end it state for so many years, I have a very hard time with the passion. But E needs the passion to feel like he wants to move forward. So I think I may need to just suck it up. Jump in. take the passion that I feel in my heart but not in other areas of my body, and make it real. We had a rough patch a few years ago when we broke up and got back together, and MAN the passion was amazing for a little while.
I think we will have plenty to talk about on our week long drive.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
As some of you know the ‘IT’ I referred to earlier is that I gave notice to my current employer. I couldn’t say anything as management wanted to handle the announcement. Also, I generally try hard not to talk about work stuff here, but sometimes it’s really, really hard, and I just want to tell all the stories (good and bad), but alas I refrain.
On to the new and exciting happenings in my life.
I have accepted an offer to join another company. I will be taking 2 glorious weeks off between leaving here, and going there.
What is on the list of things we might do? Well we are still trying to figure that out. On the list so far:
- Hang out with friends
- Chill Time
- House Projects
- Cross Country Trip - Fly to PA and drive back Eric’s truck
- Resort Trip to Mexico or other Vacation destination
- Camping/Local Road Trips
- Taxes (newly added, Thanks Liz for reminding me!)
This is where we left the list last night when we were looking online at one way tickets to PA, and found it difficult to find anything reasonable in the best timeframe to get most of those other things done. However, I needed a little break from work and spent 5 minutes looking at flights today and found a one way flight to PA for $97each. The date is 1 day sooner then what we wanted originally, but we will just have to spend a day in Pittsburgh hanging out. E’s best friend lives in Pittsburgh so hopefully he’ll have some time that day and they can get in some good guy time, and I can get to know his new wife better. A bonus would be if we could crash with them so we don’t have to pay for a hotel that night. The flight is also a red-eye which E hates, but he’ll get over it. And the flight is also leaving the night of my LAST DAY! So the excitement of the day will be that much greater!
E’s mom flies into Pitt the next day from her trip to Nashville, so we will meet her at the airport and catch a ride home with her. She will be so excited. Then maybe we will spend a day with his parents, get an awesome steak at our favorite country steakhouse, Torillo's, and then on the road we will go. We should get home in 5 days from there, and that will still give us 8 days before I start the new job! Technically we could get home in 3-4 days, but I’ve never driven across country so we will likely take some detours and stop places to visit E’s friends. Maybe even catch the Grand Canyon. (Please send route and stopping point suggestions!!!!)
The catch in all of this…. I found the deal online while E was in class, so I haven’t run it by him. Y'all know how quickly those online airline deals are bought up, so I had to act quickly. Hopefully he will not be upset that I bought the tickets without consulting him, and will be just as excited as I am. I know, I’m taking a chance, but we have a couple’s therapy appointment tonight anyway, so he can yell at me there if he wants to.
**Update: E was thrilled with the news and has already contacted his parents who may be even more excited then we are.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Monday, March 13, 2006
“Well I'm sorry girls, but right now I can't think about what I'm going to do in an hour, much less knowing about April. I'm a bit too stressed out to deal with much, outside of general hygiene and nourishment. Yes, I exaggerate, but I'm really not in a good place right now. So sure, a get together is needed, but I can't deal with the date picking thoughts. Yes, even that is stressing me out too much.”
Whoa! That scared me that I even wrote that!
So this weekend, I thought I should do a little me time and organize some stuff and meditate and go to the gym. But instead I played with my SIMs. Which of course I ran into a bug after 4 hours, and had to quit without saving. I hate it when there is a bug in the program where one of my toddler twins gets stuck in a wall and cries and cries because you can’t get him out to feed, bathe, change him or put him to bed. It was very sad to see him and to listen to the constant crying, and all the adults would go to him and stare at him with concern. But alas he was stuck. For anyone out there playing SIMs 2, do not give your toddler SmartMilk, and then put him in a high chair while he is still glowing. He will get STUCK! So sad.
No worries, I couldn’t feel like I wasted those 4 hours, I learned of a new bug, reported it, and knew not to do that again.
Then we ran some errands, and had dinner at Krispy Kreme. The sugar rush quickly passed and I napped on the couch for 5 hours, and woke up at 11pm, and watched the Discovery Channel with Eric until 2am. We watched a couple episodes of Dirty Jobs, I Shouldn’t be Alive, Stunt Junkies, and Survivorman. All very addictive shows. I’m telling you all… you must watch “I Shouldn’t Be Alive”. The situations are recreated so well, and the fact that the people that survived the situation are there, telling their parts of the story make it seem so real. Of course you can always figure out who survives and who doesn’t by who is doing the story telling. But it is so good. A little gross when people’s limbs are dying or infection sets in, but they always explain what is happening so well.
After our late night marathon Discovery Channel watching, we went to bed and didn’t wake until 10am on Sunday. Lovely!
On Sunday, we went for our weekly hour long walk where we get in some great conversation and get that heart rate up in the “Weight Lose Zone”. (wiggle that ass!) I don’t know exactly what we did for the rest of the day, but I know it included a long REI trip to return Eric’s $200 sun glasses that he wasn’t thrilled about and we bought ourselves some Winter gear on Clearance and a drive out to Vallejo to go to what was supposed to be this cool discount tool place. Eric thought I’d love it, because I like tools and house stuff, but this place was a CHEAP, POOR little store, full of CHEAP crap. I didn’t see any real bargains cause it was all crap anyway. He bought an axe and a rake and was excited, so it made the drive and the bridge toll worth it.
I think I spent the rest of the day working on my SIMs to have babies again without getting them stuck in the wall. At least I didn’t think about work all weekend!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
If you didn't already know, we also have free lunch delivered by waiter.com everyday (and we get to order our own individual orders up to $7.25/day averaged out through the week), multiple espresso machines, Pete's coffee and tea delivery, free sodas & juice, and free vending machines that are stocked with chips, hostess snacks, and all sort of other tasty treats. The vending company that brings the snacks and sodas, also bring us 10 gallons of milk every week (whole, 2% and nonfat), and now they have also started bringing us Clover Yogurt!
Now I knew we had it pretty good with the free stuff at work situation, but wooo hoooo!!! Yogurt!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
This past Sunday I never showered or got dressed. I simply sat around in my PJs all day. Now granted, Eric was up all night puking with a migraine, so neither of us got much sleep so we were kind of useless the next day, but that is no reason to only accomplish 2 things all day, the feeding of the cats, and watching a ton of Lifetime movies (not a good thing for any level of depression!). I suppose I did try a new corn bread recipe too, but that SUCKED, so we were stuck with 2 loaves of sucky cornbread that was dry, dense, salty and greasy. I ate a ¼ of a loaf even though I didn’t like it, but it was food and I had made it, so I tried to suck it down. (BTW - Eric had 2 bites and put the slice back, so I tossed the lot)
People tell me at work that I look happy and that I’m a “ray of sunshine” (no shit, someone actually put that in my review). I swear I went into the wrong line of work. Now most of you know that I’m rather dramatic so you wouldn't be surprised, but if I can make people think that I’m happy and feel fulfilled, then I should be getting to wear the vintage Christian Dior dress on the shiny stage. I’ve grown accustomed to putting on a smiley face and just dealing with shit. And every once in a while I blow and have to talk about it (as any boyfriend, good girlfriend or anyone who has ever been my HR representative knows!).
I think this “dealing with shit” is adding to the way I am feeling. I need to learn to let go (which I’m getting much better mind you!). But I need to learn to really let go, not just for an hour or a day. I need to learn to not care… to a point. Oh hell. Just give me the drugs already!
I know I have not been great at posting very often, so I thought I'd take pictures and post those, but that has even waned. I no longer carry my camera everywhere I go.
I will often think of something to write about, but never take the time to write it. I have wanted to write about my battle with getting in shape and dieting and generally being more healthy; battle with depression; battle with hormones and maternal urges; battle of the sexes at home; the desire to get married; etc, etc, etc. I think about writing about my favorite shows on TV (which you must all start watching RELATED on the WB), or about movies or cooking, or just what I did today.
Too many thoughts coming at me too quickly, and I am moving too fast to take the time to write them down. So maybe this will not turn out to be a lesson in improved writing ability, but more one in taking time to reflect and de-stress. :-)
Thursday, March 02, 2006
When we first started dating, we discovered this small neighborhood Chinese restaurant about 2 blocks from his place, Sun Kwon. The food is wonderful, fresh, CHEAP, and fast! We used to eat there at least once a week. We’d split Won Ton soup with chicken and bok choy, and an order of pot stickers ($11). Sometimes we’d sit on Eric’s futon, with a wooden tray between us and gorge ourselves, or on warm late summer/fall nights we’d sit on the stoop enjoying the act of passing the container back and forth as we experienced the joy of the warm flavorful liquid and the best won tons around.
A few years ago I picked up our favorite dinner there and drove it home to Concord (at least 1 hour drive), and was amazed that everything was still piping hot. So I thought it would be fun to try that again. So I drove around the neighborhood for about 20 minutes, with no luck at finding parking (SOOOO not missing that part of the city!). There is a fire hydrant in front of the restaurant where I’ve seen tons of people park their cars to run in and pick up their order, but I’m a scared-ee cat. I saw lots and lots of spots where I would be half blocking a drive way, or in the red. But I didn’t risk it. Hell, I could ask Eric to call the order in, and I could drive around for 10 minutes, park illegally and grab the food while only being unlawful for 2 minutes tops! (Not missing the city anymore.)
I decided to forget the whole idea, when I found a metered spot on Polk (2 uphill blocks away), but I need a little exercise anyway. So Eric called in the order, I walked up the hill, and got us a warm, tasty memory. It was so good. And we reminisced of the dating, and the falling in love, and the clubs and all the fun we used to have. We decided to get out more and do more stuff. Who knew a cheap meal would bring about such change.