Thursday, June 29, 2006

Money Money Money

Sitting before me (for the last 4 days)...
  • Stack of bills
  • Checkbook
Why is it always so hard to write the checks that I am obligated to write? I plan for them every month, and even worse.. I actually have the funds to cover them yet it hurts so much to see the money go.

Don't get me wrong. I know I am very fortunate and have been lucky in my life to have been given opportunities to learn on the job, and have therefore been able to buy real estate on my own (its just a townhouse which I hate, but that's my name on the mortgage and hopefully my equity that is building), I put myself through culinary school (but will have those student loans until 2017 on the current plan) but more importantly I have never had to go to bed hungry or wanted for any of the true nessecities in life (except maybe more love and direction as a kid but that's a different post).

I hate money, yet I feel I need it and need more and more. I hate that I love CA so much that I choose to live here and therefore can never afford a comfortable life where one of us can stay home to raise a family, in a house, with a yard and a garden, in a good neighborhood/community, with great schools. Or is it that I am so afraid of change that I force myself to not see a life outside of CA. I hate that I commute 3+ hours a day in order to work at a job that is ok, but not inspiring, but I do it everyday.

I grew up knowing the finacial woes of my mom (my father had no idea of the needs of his family nor how my mother was handling the books). I knew that she was taking cash advances from creditors in order to pay the creditors. I decided to start working younger then I should have, to take care of some of my expenses in-order to not be as much of a burden on my family. I became obsessed with being financially independant, and it remains a major stresser in my life.... and a major battle in my relationship (but we're not going to open that can any wider then that).

Sometimes I want to have a finacial/life advisor tell me I'm doing the right thing to ease my mind, or to tell me what I'm doing wrong and to tell me what to do. Money is dangerous, it is evil, yet it allows me to live the life that I have. Sometimes I think I should change my life so money isn't such a focus, so I can enjoy my life and spend less time worrying. Perhaps that means moving. Perhaps that means changing myself in more ways then I can currently imagine in order to gain the peace that I want.


J said...

Wow, great post. Very honest and clear.

I think the best way to think of money is not as the end, but as the means to the end. We work so we can have money, and we have money so we can get the things we really want and need. It's subtle, and I haven't managed it, really, but it's a good thought.

I actually kind of enjoy paying my bills. When I was in college, living alone, there was a time when roomie and I couldn't answer the phone, because it was creditors. We both had our hours cut back at work, and had no money. So now, I'm thankful to be able to pay. Whew, what a relief. :)

Gina said...

Living is California is at once the best and worst.

I hear you on the dilemma with housing. It does suck that in order to get a halfway decent place, both have to work. That is why we are still in our own townhouse. Well, that and Mr. Personality was a surprise baby who only was supposed to be born a year ago according to the "plan."

I agree with J on her attitudes toward money, as the means to an end. It's hard to resist all the temptations out there, though. And there are a LOT.

Maya's Granny said...

My mother was very good at taking care of me in some ways, and not so good in others. Like all mothers. I find that it is very easy for me to take care of myself in the ways that my mother took care of me. But, the ways that she wasn't so good about --not so much. I was able to take care of J and her brother in those ways, but for myself I tend to dig my heels in and wait for my mother to finally get it right. Not likely to happen, considering that I'm 64 and she's 83.

Autumn's Mom said...

Yes, evil money. I got paid today. Paid credit card, cell phone and bought car part. I have about a buck left over :(