Where is the ring?

Eeee Gads!
Wedding plans can drive a person batty!

We have been engaged for about 6 weeks I'd say. I didn't share this wondeful news with you beautiful people because...well... I didn't want to. I have written a number of witty, cute posts to tell you, but honestly, I was waiting for the ring to simply post a picture of it.

Sigh.
The ring is still not here, and now the thoughts of wedding, marriage and future are so prominent in my thoughts that I could not keep it in any longer. I also didn't want to bore the masses (of all 3 of you) with my banter of wedding joys.

So...The ring was ordered a while ago, to be made custom by Eric's cousin, and Eric will not tell me anything about the progress as I am to be surprised. I know that his cousin is sending him pictures to approve and Eric has asked me to leave this up to him, that he will make sure all is perfect. Perhaps he will do the whole big proposal thing still, or he wants to present it to me in a special way other then me opening a brown paper package I get from the mailman. With me being the emotional control freak that I am... this waiting and not knowing thing is HARD, and is a wonderful opportunity for me to learn some life lessons of letting go control, trust and patience.

(oh you poor people... you don't know what is going to spew forth now that the flood gates have opened) Beware.

The why...

So today I wrote about how I haven't been able to sleep well on Sunday nights, and Gina posed an interesting question.... "Is it that you just don't like your job anymore?"

My own rule is to not talk about the details of work on the blog, and we all know why, but no I don't think it is that I don't like my job anymore. I enjoy the work and the challenge. Its not particularly creative, but I do enjoy the work. Granted yes I don't care for the commute, but I never did and that is well known at my office. There are parts of the commute that I do enjoy, like the getting to be alone with my thoughts (sorta - I do still have to drive and all, or commute with hundreds of others on the train), and getting to listen to NPR or my morning radio show is actually considered a treat to me.

But there have been a number of other things going on in my life that just sort of overwhelm me come each Sunday night. I think about all the laundry and the cleaning that didn't quite get done this weekend, all of the house projects that need to get underway in order to sell this place so we can move closer to my office. There are the worries of the money to do those projects and then somehow afford to live closer to the office.... those always seems to stir up those sleep stopping thoughts.

Then sometimes I just have too much on my mind, and I really should just get up and write them down to get them out of my head. This action has backfired on me occasionally and has then kept me up as I continued to think and work on these ideas and lists and thoughts.

But last night....oh last night. I was busy thinking and planning and getting totally overwhelmed by....

PLANNING OUR WEDDING (more on that to follow)

The Sunday night freak out

Bam! It's Monday!

Since the demand to work Saturdays has returned for a few more weeks, this was a really short weekend, and I'm so tired. My whole team is really tired, and everyone is getting really short, and now sick too. A few weeks ago I felt the congestion starting, and its not letting up. I have that permanent lump in my throat and occasional gagging cough. Mmm Mmm fun.

For the last few months I've found that I've been getting more and more tired. I sleep in, I take naps, and am generally lazy and refreshed all weekend, and then come Sunday night I can't sleep. I lay there. Freaking out that its Sunday night and that tomorrow is Monday. I worry about this and that and the next thing I know the sun is coming up. Oh sure, I've dosed a few hours here and there, but never soundly. Never like I did for my Sunday after-breakfast nap (Aren't those the BEST?), or like I do during the week.

What is it about Mondays that make me so uneasy?

Battle of the Album Covers

I swear I will not just keep posting YouTube videos and will actually write something soon, but I ran into this today, and immediately thought of Ted.

This is for you Ted.

For the Love of Reading

This goes out to all who love to read and those who wish they loved to read more.



I got this from Dennis, who got this here.

The Changing of the Clocks

Around this time of year I usually start wondering when we will change our clocks again to go back to Pacific Standard Time. I have been lucky enough to remember "Fall Back, Spring Forward", and never really grasp that there was an actual rule to when we go through this ritual of saying hello to cold darkness and goodbye to bright summer evenings.

Believe me I never look forward to "Falling Back" because it means going back to living in the dark. Its dark when I go into the office, and its dark when I come out. In the spring and summer I always feel a sense of being alive and a boost of energy to come out of a long day at work, to a sunny sky that is beckoning for an after dinner hike, or a walk around the town square for ice cream.

So today, I was getting curious about when it will be time to welcome back the darkness, and I wandered about the net (actually I was researching some stuff for work since I have to do system testing with time changes and leap years and stuff, but that's all boring junk). In my search I came across a new US Daylight Saving time rule which starts next year. I haven't found the reason for it yet, but starting next year we will be extending Daylight Saving by 2 months. Starting in March and going to November (its been April to October for those, like myself, didn't know the rule).

I always feel like I have a hard time adjusting to the change anyway, and now its changing even more. I'm curious if I'll even notice, or will this be just another step in taking each day as it comes.

Ohhhh! Airplanes!

This past weekend was Fleet Week in San Francisco, and the sunshine returned to give us a gloriously clear skies.

Back in high school a trip into SF on this particular weekend meant only one thing to me... MEN IN UNIFORM! oh how I still swoon. You see, I was in the marching band (go ahead and snicker), and to top that off, I was in the color guard as well. Up until my senior year, we played off color guard as a spirit team so I got to wear a cute little cheerleader outfit. Of course we just hated to be stuck wearing these cute little outfits around downtown SF with all these sailor boys... oh just hated it!

Now adays, I pack us up and head to the crowded city for more then just the uniforms, because Eric isn't as into that as I am, and we battle the crowds for a good seat to watch the Red Bull Air Race.

WEeee. Those planes go fast. They often cross the start at over 200 mph. And I'm not good at visually judging distance, but we were pretty darn close to those air planes. Not really 'I can almost touch them' close but still pretty close. To demonstate the closeness...I took these photos of the air race and the Blue Angels, and my camera is just a little digital point and shoot. Weeee! I love air shows (and men in uniform - even though some of them looked like they were twelve).

Changes

The mornings have been crisper, and clouds have been hiding the rising sun. As I take to the road for my daily commute, I have been seeing the sun fight its way through the clouds. By the time I reach the other side of the Oakland hills, the sun has usually made its way through the clouds and its sun, sun, sun the rest of the day. But yesterday was a little different. There was a forecast for rain, and dark clouds hanging over the city, and I was heading straight for them.

Yesterday afternoon the first drops of the season fell. I had mixed feelings as I looked out the window to see the shiny asphalt of the parking lot. I admit I let out a few sighs, and even whined a touch, but as I walked out the door of the office on my way to my car I took in a deep breath and began to smile. I know this sounds hokey, but it felt like I was breathing in life and I couldn't get enough.

I don't ever recall being happy about the change to Autumn. I love summer. Love it to pieces. Even when it has been over 100 degrees for a week and doesn't cool down at night, I will still take it over the rain and cold. But this year it different. All day long I sit in an office and think about the moment I will walk into my house so I can pull on a comfy oversized sweatshirt and comfy pants and fuzzy socks. I have been waiting for the fall crisp apples so I can make pies and tarts. I've already begun planning my Holiday cookie extravaganza, and have picked out what cards we will send.

Perhaps I really am finally growing up. I finally don't associate summer with freedom and play. This summer has been the hardest when it comes to my job, and I know that this hell is scheduled to end in November, so this summer has not been the fun filled days I recall. I am looking forward to things slowing down. To weekends of cooking, and holiday parties and family. To cuddling up with my lovey and the kitties with blankets, hot tea, and a movie. Autumn and Winter are so much slower. I'm beginning to like slower.

Weekend Recovery

This Saturday I didn't have to work so we managed to JAM PACK the weekend with social excitement and homemaking fun. I will spare you the details (imagine... me, sparing details!), but there was much baking (3 dozen scones and 3 dozen individual cheesecakes), driving, friends, kickball, food, beer (water for me thanks), then more driving, friends, ice cream, other alcoholic concoctions, friends, friends, and more friends. And that was just Saturday. Sunday was more about recovering from playing kickball and all of the baking.

And today? I'm back at work, but that kickball recovery... still in full swing. This morning I left the house while Eric crawled back in bed with 3 ice packs. The frozen peas and corn were sacrificed in the name of pain relief.

Man I don't remember kickball hurting this much.

You have one new message

One sends an email to her doctor asking for said doctor to call back so that test results can be discussed. Hooray for doctor for responding within an hour (even though that doctor did not call the number which was requested he call in the email). But the doctor should not leave the diagnosis on a PHONE MESSAGE and then continue to blah blah about one of four treatment options and then say, "...but you haven't had kids yet so that isn't really the best solution, so we should talk more later. "

No really. I really like my doctor because he is very easy to talk to about all those taboo topics, and he is the specialist in "trouble" cases, and even better, he is cool with a mixture of eastern and western medicine (his wife is a practicing Buddhist and they attend retreats together). But this latest set of experiences does not leave me with warm fuzzies. Although, I don't now if any of this experience would give me warm fuzzies independent of the caregiver.

Oh wait I did have warm fuzzies when I had to go in for an ultrasound with a full bladder (I danced my way to the exam room). That was almost like warm fuzzies... more like cramps and an uncomfortable burning sensation, but close. (and yes, the jingle for the over-active bladder drug was thoroughly stuck in my head "Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go...")

P.S. The internet is EVIL, and gives me too much information and causes a good deal of anxiety. Although it gives me some good questions to talk to the doctor about, it also gives me scary thoughts.

What to blog about

My blogging buddy Tracy over at The Star Shine Report asked an interesting question today about how "we" decide what we will write about, what is appropriate for our readers, what we want to share about ourselves (political views, etc.).

This is something that I started a post about a few weeks ago but never posted, because it is something that I've been battling with. Do I write for me or those few that might read this?

I started my blog for me. To put my story out there and maybe it will speak to someone else and they might comment or be touched, or feel a sense of not being alone. I also started it as a stress reliever, as a way to get it out. A couple of friends had started blogs, and I had already been reading a few regularly and I loved the feeling of community. I always wanted to keep a journal but never kept it up and the pressure that someone else out there might read it became incentive to write everyday. Plus... I have this personal need for feedback. It's a weakness and one that has become ever taxing.

I admit that through my day I have thoughts of, "That'll make a great topic to post about!". Or "I need to take a picture of THAT for my blog". And then by the time I get to the computer, the passion has waned. I also feel self-conscience in my writing, and feel that I'm whining too much, and that no one will be interested. But then I think back to why I started this thing and wonder why I feel the need to impress, to be liked, and to get comments.

So Tracy, to answer your question. Sometimes I write for me and whatever is going on in my head and heart regardless of my few readers, and sometimes I filter my thoughts or don't post at all. I used to say that I don't talk to anyone about politics or religion because very little good comes of it. In the last few years I have realized that I didn't talk to anyone about it, because I wasn't sure about my own feelings. Now I am fascinated by both, but only rarely do I talk about it and usually its in a very comfortable forum with those that share the same feelings. I still have that awkward pre-teen in me that just wants to be liked and not rock any boats.

The free joy comes to an end

When we moved into the townhouse we had a disagreement about whether or not to install cable TV. We eventually made the compromise of getting it, but I would be the only one to pay for it. Because of this, I decided to just order Basic Cable... that's your basic local channels, plus the shopping channels, a bunch of Spanish language channels and some other random ones way up there on the dial (Dials.. remember TV dials!).

When the cable guy was there installing it, we chatted while he was running cable in the attic. We were talking about computers and telecom stuff and other basic geeky stuff. He was also rather bitter at the cable company with how they contract out the work and then treat the contractors like shit. So as a welcome to your new home gift, he turned on extended basic service for us. That was a $20/month savings.

This week the cable company was doing an audit and discovered their "mistake", and took us back to the basic cable level. I spent about an hour rebooting Tivo and troubleshooting before I realized what had happened. And then I spent an hour reprogramming Tivo and deleting ALL of those shows that we have it record for us that were on the channels we don't get anymore. Sigh.

The next day

Is it over yet?
Can I look?

Yesterday I found that I (like many) had 9-11 overload. I didn't want to post anything about it because I am trying to live without as much fear and worry and feel the need to remember but not dwell, but then I felt guilty to post about something else.... so, I posted nothing. Not exactly the epitome of moving forward.

As the day went on, I avoided the blogs and news sites. I buried my head into work and planning. And soon I forgot.

During my drive to work I had noticed that there was an overpass over the freeway that had about 40 flags on it. When I was driving home, the number of flags had at least doubled and there were many people walking back and forth carrying flags and banners. I admit, I made a comment that I thought those people are taking things a little too far, and thought that they were just doing it to go along with the crowd. But then a few overpasses later, there was just one lone woman waving a flag, and I felt bad for her. Here is this woman, wanting to express her love for her country and to remember, and she's all alone.

I felt bad. I felt like I had lost perspective and had become cynical. I lost the appreciation to live with the freedoms we are given in this country. We are lucky.

So today, I remember.

I'm a WOMAN

Ok, so how many people think I'm crazy? I'm 32 years old, and excited about experiencing PMS. Hell, I'm so freakin' excited that I (sorry Ted and anyone sensitive to TMI), I got my period today. Right when I expected, based on the day I stopped taking birth control.

I know most of you out there who are reading this have had a lifetime of having normal cycles or have successfully gotten pregnant years ago, so this may not sound exciting to you and I completely understand if you don't come back to read again, because clearly I am loony to be excited.

I have been on birth control since I was 15 years old. That is 17 years of not letting my own body determine how to manage its hormones. That is most of my reproductive years not really knowing my own body's rhythm. And for the last 10 or so years, that has been me worried about if my body would be able to come back to "normal" and still know what its supposed to do. Worried that I'm waiting too long to find out if I can carry to term (my mom had a number of miscarriage and then high-risk pregnacies). Always worried.

And on top of not knowing my body... I have felt like I've been in an emotional cloud for a long time, years, perhaps a decade or more. Always freaking out about this or that. Over emotional about any little thing. It became normal. It became me. Drama... that is how many people describe my life. Perhaps, I have had constant PMS for many years. I'm sure my friends may think so. So after having 3 weeks of this amazing calm and feeling of level headedness, I think its so cool to feel the difference of a more emotional day.

Today, I feel the weight of cramps, and the burden of knowing I have something else to think about and deal with for the next week -- hopefully only a week this time-- but my head feels clear again. Right now... I'm not worried. Right now I'm practically frolicking and joyful of the ability to experience life as a woman. (tee hee... I said I'm a woman. My therapist will be so proud).

PMS?

PMS must be rolling in, because I found myself reacting to various events today with a little more emotion then in the past few weeks. I swear, I don't know if I have every felt this before. As far back as I knew what an emotional state was, I have been on constant emotional overdrive, but the last 3 weeks have been pretty steadily calm. Which I would say is odd for what has been happening in my life. I would almost say that I've been numb based on my usual emotional levels but really its probably just a healthy balanced emotional state to most people. So I'm quite fascinated with this new day of being pissed over such a simple thing as a comment on a blog, and then tearing up over missing a friend who is really not far away.

Do you? Do you care what I had for lunch?

I got me a new book, No One Cares What You Had for Lunch, 100 Ideas for Your Blog, by Margaret Mason (aka MightyGirl.com). It just came in the mail, all autographed and hot off the presses. Initially I bought this in support of the author's first publication (since she is the cousin of a good friend, and I like to think I'm close to her somehow even though I have met her multiple times and she thinks I'm meeting her for the first time each time, but she's so cool that I don't care).

But then I thought, maybe it would be fun to occasionally pull from her 100 ideas for blog entries so I may not always bore you with what I had for lunch since I rarely do that now but maybe I'll start because wouldn't that be a swell idea? (BTW - I had a salami sandwich with some leftover labor day weekend breakfast cantaloupe and pineapple).

Look out for some entries which I did not come up with myself in the future... and note that the book is currently being hidden under a pile of papers on my desk. I don't want the people here to think I blog at work!

Waiting

This past week was labor day weekend and I was lucky enough to get the whole weekend off. I also worked from home on Friday because I had that "urgent" doctor appointment that I called to make 5 weeks ago. Luckily I got in when I did, because my doctor is on vacation again for 2 weeks off on an adventure in Alaska. Sooo jealous.

I ended up not working much of Friday because my mind became occupied with news from my doctor. Possibly nothing major, possibly something major, possibly just an annoyance that may not present any major complications, but possibly, we won't know until something happens. Sooo annoying! Doctors are supposed to just know and tell you and then make you better!

Some things doctors should not do are suddenly start talking really fast while doing a pelvic exam and repeatedly asking "are you sure you aren't pregnant?" and then run out of the room, leaving the door wide open, coming back with a machine, then throwing off the lights, spreading FREAKING cold gel on my belly and then say, "we need to do an ultrasound."

DUH! you seem to be doing it already! Thanks for the warning!

Measurements were done.
Blood was taken.
Notes to radiology were sent.

And now I wait. Wait for a call with an appointment to radiology so we can find out more. Is it Fibroids? Maybe but he didn't see anything specific on the ultrasound. Is it something more? Will it effect conception? Taking a pregnancy to term? We won't know until we know more details. And even then we may not know until we try and see if there are complications. So here I sit and wait. Trying really hard not to read articles online. Because as my doctor said, "you'll get freaked out. " (He's so helpful)

32 Scoops with whipped cream, nuts and a cherry!

Each year, the month of August seems to get more and more painful. Usually I stress about what I didn't do, where I'm not in my life, and how much of my youth has gone by without me. I have been living in yesterday, dreading tomorrow and bitching about it the whole time. I have some great friends that listen to the whining, and occasionally throw a slap of reality my way. I come to for a moment of self discovery, and then usually slide back into my world of self-pitty.

No one or thing or action or event is going to change my life, although I keep thinking it will. Those major life events that I have been desperately searching for and living for, are not going to make the sunshine come out and make my world a shining happy place. Only I can turn things around.

I spout off about living in the moment, being mindfull of what you are doing right now. But do I actually practice mindfulness? Not without a LOT of thought. I do it for a few days, and then something else grabs my attention and I go spiraling back down.

For the last few years, my friends have known not to mention my birthday before the day, and to pretend not to hear my sighs and groans when someone mentions it or my age. This year I was again dreading the day, and strangely enough, it's not that bad. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm coming to terms that my "plan" has long been passed up by life.

I "know" in my brain that our plans change that we have to keep making new plans, and that we have to be flexible and adjust to what life throws at us, but its still hurts in my heart. I have to work and live for today. For right now. To make the best of what I have in front of me.

I'm not touting that from this day forward I will be a changed person. But I am going to try a little harder.

Happy Birthday to me!

Birthday buddies and yummies

Yesterday I tried to forget my bitterness of having to work 6 very long days (we're talking getting lucky to see Eric awake), and looked forward to a day of sleeping in, naps, and seeing some friends who I don't get to see nearly enough. Since its hard to get people together, I opted to pull out the birthday card (it wasn't yesterday, but its close enough).

The day started off with sleeping in until 8am, and then laying about until I heard my cell phone ring. With that ring, I knew my friend Amy was up and calling to see when we could get together for brunch. Amy and I used to work together, but she left the high-tech corporate world to start a landscaping design business. She is also very good at keeping contact with friends from college, plus she has a boyfriend, so getting her alone is quite a feat and needs to be scheduled far out in advance. She drove out to my house, and we went to a small neighborhood cafe for a healthy dose of butter, cream, grease and loads of catching up. Mmm Mmm Eggs Benedict.

After brunch, and good-byes, I don't think Amy had even driven away before I was back in bed with kitties curled up around me. I thought Eric would join me for a lazy Sunday cuddle, but if he did, I didn't know it. Around 4:30pm, he woke me up to tell me it was time to get ICE CREAM!Some of our dear friends met us in Oakland for some old fashioned creamery eats and HUGE ice cream sundaes at Fenton's. It was a lot of fun, and we all definitely got our fill of ice cream. Now I'm a huge fan of ice cream, but I go to this place for their caramel sauce. How can I not love a creation that contains my 3 favorite foods; Cream, Butter and Sugar.

They make all of the ice creams and the fudge and caramel sauces on site, in a kitchen where you can watch all the goodness coming together. J and PK's daughter, Maya, and her friend spent a good part of the evening watching the making of many 5 gallon cartons of ice cream (its just so uncool to hang out with adults). And then of course the little man that catches my eye every time I see him, Tman stole the show when the sundaes were delivered and he put out his hand and said "Cherry?". I think he got his fill of cherries that night, because who can resist that smile?Between the good friends, the tasty eats and the naps, it was a great way to celebrate the day I was born.

Check out more pictures of ICE CREAM fun by clicking on my flicker badge over there on the right or here.

Saturday MeMe

J at Thinking About..., tagged me to do this MeMe. I don't know what she was thinking, tagging me on a Saturday when she knows that I'm supposed to be working and she knows that I just can't help myself or control my need to read and post. I feel like I haven't done many MeMe's, maybe 2, and I don't really know why. I love to read them, but I seldom think to write one so here goes:

1. Things that scare me:

• Thinking that I'll never be a mom
• Thinking that we are ruining the earth for future generations
• Idiots who govern our country, other countries, and those that vote/will/or allow them into power

2. People who make me laugh:

• People who can laugh at themselves and put themselves out there to share the humility of life
• My brother - he's rather zanny

3. Things I hate the most:

• Nausea
• Guilt
• Helplessness
  

4. Things I don't understand:

• How some people cannot pick up on their audience's disinterest or non-understanding in what they are continuing to blab on and on about
  
• The idea that one person's beliefs are better then another's
• How I can know one thing but feel/do the opposite
  

5. Things I'm doing right now:

• I'm whistling (and blogging) while I work (on a freakin SATURDAY)
• Drinking tea at noon because I came into work late ON A SATURDAY because I was here until 10pm and opted to stay up late with Eric you know, so I could actually talk to him instead of just nudging him when I've come to bed and then kissing his forehead when I get up
  
• Being bitter and experiencing the discomfort of eating Taco Bell at 11pm last night
  

6. Things I want to do before I die:

• Give birth
• Share at least one story from my life, with my grandchild
  
• Tell my parents I love them
  

7. Things I can do:

• Procrastinate
• Love others
  
• TALK TALK TALK (or chat)
  

8. Things I can't do:

• sit still when I hear music that moves me
• make a decision without consulting at least one person
• keep my own secrets
  

10. Things I think you should listen to:

• Yourself (mind and body)
  
• Children
• the Emergency Broadcast Alert System
  

11.Things you should never listen to:

• Me (unless I am yelling at you to duck, run, jump, or move quickly in anyway)
  
• I wish I could say idiots/politicians/powers that be, but sometimes they say good things too
  

12. Things I'd like to learn:

• how to listen better
  
• how to stress/worry less
  
• how to focus

13. Favorite foods:

• Butter
• Cream
• Sugar
  

14. Beverages I drink regularly:

• Hot Tea
• Water
• Milk
  

15. Shows I watched as a kid:

• Brady Bunch
• Yan Can Cook!
  
• Mr. Wizard's World