Has anyone seen my Redo button?

I would like to live my life never having any regrets. Afterall, this is why I justified incurring a HUGE amount of debt to go to culinary school. So starting NOW I am living with no regrets. Or maybe now. or Now?

If anyone knows how to change the chemistry of my brain to deprogram regret, please tell me how! Stress would also be a good one to deprogram.

I’m a teeny bit of a stress case. Ok, I stress, worry, over-plan, over-analyze, and am wrought with anxiety over just about any decision in my life. I don’t want to regret decisions, so I clear them with anyone whom will listen and tell me their honest opinion. Of course then I regret going to everyone asking them what to do and not being able to handle my own life. I know I have over used my friends on this part of the job of ‘being Cherry’s friend’, and I’d like to decrease the amount of neediness that I have in this department. After years of over working myself, I am getting better at the over-planning, stress, anxiety, worry thing. Just a little better. No Really. DAMN IT, LOVE ME!

Recently, Staples started running a television ad campaign where office workers can simply press an “EASY” button to clean, get organized, find stuff, stock the office with supplies, etc. I want a button just like this, but for REDO (well maybe EASY would work too). I know this goes against my desire not to regret, but lately, I’ve been wishing I could step back in time and REDO a chunk of my life.

Some examples from last night alone:

• Loudly bitching about work crap with co-workers, while still in the office (I’d be more explicit, but the word DOOCED flows through my brain)
• Getting upset with Eric for saying we won’t be ready for babies for another couple of years so I don't need to worry about that kind of stuff right now (I know this is true but I didn’t want to hear him say it)
• Eating a Taco Bell Nacho Bell Grande even though I had no appetite and was sick to my stomach with stress
• Stewing about all the things I regretted doing that day, all night long, so I got little sleep

Needless to say, I really need to work on this regretting that I'm regretting my regrets thing.

When does my therapist get back from vacation?

Christmas Shopping Done!

Thanks to Julie, My Christmas shopping for this year is over!

We will all wear this











And decorate with these














And proudly display these at work!

Sad excuse for a Thursday

Today is almost gone (at least the work part of the day) and I don't know what I've accomplished.

• Went to the dentist to have my pearly whites polished, poked, scrapped, drilled, etc. I'll spare you the details, but the words "Crown", "Expensive", & "Root Canal" were all used today. Hopefully the drilling will relieve some of the symptom so we can avoid, or at least postpone the previously mentioned evil words.
• I fumbled, bumbled and almost had an anxiety attack while on-air with my favorite Morning Radio Show (they were talking about stupid names parents make their children live with, and they said that Cherry must be the worst name to possibly give a kid, so how could I not call in?)
• Per Miss J, I have added Bubble to my Netflix queue (we'll see who gets it first Missy!)
• While looking at my Netflix queue, I have added the 5th and 6th season of South Park, and the movie that came out in 2000. Eric will enjoy these, and then send them back without me getting a chance to see them, so don't you all start thinking I'm some sort of South Park nut. Eric missed out on the fantastic premiere of South Park back in the 90's (he was living in Germany and somehow missed out in the excitement). So, to keep him entertained when he needs something to stare at, we keep a steady stream of foul mouthed, brain numbing, animated comedy coming into the house. He likes it. It makes him happy. It is good.
• I have done some work stuff - they pay me and buy me lunch (Mmmm fruit tart for lunch) so I feel obligated
  
  And now I am looking forward to my hour drive home.
  
  Grand. Just Grand.
  
  At least I have 1 big lovey and 2 little grey lovies waiting for me at home. I think Kielbasa and Sauerkraut will be the menu of the night. As long as Eric is eating meat, I gotta get in all of my favorites now!

Sappy Warning! Sappy Warning!

When we first started "hanging out", we went to Rodeo Beach in the Marin Headlands. We were doing the normal, newly dating beach walking activities, including picking up pretty rocks and shells. At some point these 2 rocks, shaped like beans caught our eyes. We said the green one was me, and the red one, Eric. They have since represented "us".

Similar, yet different, from very different origins but somehow ended up on the same beach.

Humbling

One of my co-workers invited me to join her Adult Gymnastics class. She said there were all ages in the class from early twenties to mid sixties, and ability levels from just beginning to competitive gymnasts that just want to continue to work out. I used to do my share of gymnastics when I was young and was pretty good. She had been going to 3 years and helps people through their stunts. I thought it sounded like a fun workout, so I went to try it out last night.

We got there a little early so we began stretching our old, tight muscles. I figured it had been a while since I had been in a gym like this, but it would come back to me. When I sat down and figured out how long it had actually been since I did any sort of gymnastics, I was blown away to think that it was about 18-19 years ago. What struck me the most was that I didn’t even have my PERIOD the last time I did gymnastics. I got scared, and very wary of what skills I still had.

The workout started with running around the mat 5 times, and then back the other way. I thought I was going to fall over with this. “What have I gotten myself into?” I quietly said, as my friend laughed. Then everyone started doing jumping jacks. 75 to be exact. This is going to kill me, I thought. Then 35 push-ups and 35 sit-ups. I did 2 push-ups and felt my arms go to jelly. This is not the fun workout I was looking for. The little girl in me that got pushed by her coaches was yelling at me to keep going. For heaven’s sake, the 60+ year old man in the class was kicking my ass!

After that bit of cardio and strength, came the stretches. All your normal stretches, plus holding all 3 splits for 1.5 minutes. I used to be so flexible… now, not so flexible. I was afraid I was going to tear something, so I eased up. And good thing, cause then we started the BEGINNER tumbling.

Beginner tumbling my ass! Ok, so I used to be able to do all this stuff when I was 8 years old, and then some. But now…. Hell no! I was dizzy with the first pass of forward rolls. And nauseous with the second. I sat out for the back-roll extensions, but did try just one regular backward roll. A BACKWARD ROLL! I did these when I was 5 years old all around the house, but now they make me dizzy and want to hurl, and we won’t talk about my lack of grace. I got my courage back for the cartwheels and round-offs and handstands, so something in me was remembering some of this stuff. The addition of some 30+ pounds, a weak cardiovascular system and many years of neglecting my physique was showing.

My friend and I went and played on the uneven bars, beam and trampolines, and that was a great end to the 2 hour torture. The coach spotted me on my back handspring on the tramp, and that was the most difficult move of the night. I’m glad I did it, because I needed some sign that I hadn’t lost all of my skills.

I was nauseated by the BART ride home, and couldn’t concentrate on anything when I tried to read in bed. This morning I hurt and I’m tired. I feel like someone clocked me upside the head while I was running a marathon, and then told me to do it again. I am humbled. Completely humbled. All those years of going to the gym, and I now realize just how little I was really pushing myself. I’m totally going back next week!

It's not enough

My love has returned to me. And for the last 2 nights I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to feel the warmth of his body near me. I feel incredibly comforted and safe. We have even been falling asleep all cuddled together, which we NEVER do. Something is changing. Something good. The fact that I’ve slept for over 6 hours the last 2 nights is just a bonus.

The evening I was to go pick him up at the airport, a co-worker IM’d me asking if I needed a ride (only 4 people in the office live to the East of Oakland so carpooling is a treat!). I responded that I had driven to the office as I need to pick up my boyfriend from the airport. As I sent my response I stared at that word. “Boyfriend” That word is just not enough. It feels too minor, insignificant, and juvenile.

First of all, the word “Boy” struck me as incredibly wrong. Now I’m the last person to say that I’m a woman and he’s a man, as I have this issue with growing up, but to call him a boy suddenly seems trivial. Am I growing up? Is he growing up? Oh gosh, are WE growing up?

Second, calling him a “Friend” didn’t seem to fit. He is more then just a friend. He is my BEST friend. My partner. My companion. My teammate. My conspirator. My Supporter. My Therapist. My Love. He’s not my everything, because that just wouldn’t be healthy. But I can’t call him a boyfriend anymore.

I need a new word. A more significant title.

The end of a very long 7 days

My love comes home tonight. It’s been 1 week. That’s it. And yet I’ve had such an issue with this brief separation. He was gone for almost a whole month last August, and I had an easier time.
In the last week, the earliest I went to bed was 12midnight, and last night was the least amount of sleep I’ve gotten – 2 hours plus a bad dream of an intruder in the house and I couldn’t tell if the noises I had heard were real or just in my dream, and that feeling carried over into my shower where I swore someone with a big knife was on the other side of the shower curtain.

If anyone is thinking of some fun plans for the weekend? count me out! I'll be sleeping.

Where did the weekend go?

How is it already Monday night? ... late Monday night? In fact, it's almost Tuesday morning.

I managed to survive my weekend of being home alone. Of course, it was easy considering I didn't spend it at home, or alone. I thought about having a Home Depot weekend of home projects, and purging closets and general organization, but then I thought about the last project I attempted while my love was out of town. (and no I haven't had the ceiling re-plastered yet).

I went and hung out with some friends and had the pleasure of babysitting while they went to the new Hawaiian Restaurant in Downtown Pleasanton.

This kid is the easiest kid EVER! He's fun to play with. He rarely gets upset. He's incredibly adorable. He can sit and play happily even though his diaper and pants are full of chunky poo. He's so lovable that you don't even mind scrapping said chunky poo out of his pants and other places it has been squished into. He can entertain himself with toys or books or anything that is within reach. Even though he is starting to walk, he isn't the crazy running around boy yet. He likes to dance to music (even if it is his dad singing - Shake your booty! Which has been caught on video and is currently being edited for it's grand release in 2020, maybe. )


He doesn't even whine for his bottle. He just looks at you and says very clearly with his eyes and the gentle rubbing of his blanket "Hi nice lady. I'm starting to get a little tired and a yummy bottle of milk would be a great way to end this fun evening." And after he finishes his bottle, you simply have to put him in his crib and he just goes to sleep. Of course, if you stay in the room and mess with the way-too-silent humidifier, he gets a little upset screaming "GET OUT OF MY ROOM. DON'T YOU KNOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE RIGHT AWAY? THIS IS NOT HOW MY PARENTS DO IT!" so you have to pick him up and cuddle with him until he calms down (that cuddling part is really the toughest part of the night.)

All that in only an hour and a half, and I could take more... so if his parents ever want to go try more tasty food, I'm available!

Home Alone

Hmmm... what should I do with myself for a whole week?

My man has left me at home alone for a whole week. He's gone flying off this morning to hang with his family at his sister's house in Amesbury, MA. He'll sure be cold, but he does miss the snow, so he'll get a good dose of that. Hopefully he'll update Flickr with some great photos of his neices.

Generally when he goes out of town, I can't make myself go upstairs to go to bed, and often end up passing out on the couch sometime in the middle of the night. Hopefully, the fact that I haven't slept well all week will help me get a full night of sleep. I thought that maybe I'd play SIMs until I got too tired, but we all know that I would end up watching the sun come up before I would realize it was 'night-night time'.

I was also thinking that I'd cook and bake and stuff, but we've eaten out this week and I have a fridge full of leftovers (I HATE to eat leftovers, except maybe pizza), so maybe it's a week of Taco Bell for me. Oh, and going to the gym. yea, thats right. The gym.

Lists about me

I may think that I'm a leader, but really I'm just a follower. Liz... you're up!

1. Four jobs you've had in your life.
A. Paper Carrier (how cool is it to be 13 years old and get $300/month!)
B. Coffee Barista (LOVED THAT JOB!)
C. Burger Flipper (strangely enough loved that job too!)
D. System Analyst, QA Analyst/Engineer, System Admin, blah blah blah (not so much love, but more $$)

2. Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over
A. Forget Paris
B. When Harry Met Sally
C. Grease
D. Little Princess (Shirley Temple)

3. Four TV shows you enjoy (off the air)
A. Friends
B. Sex and the City
C. Making the Band 3 (I’ve watched the whole season over and over and over... but I might be done with it now)
D.

3 (part two). Four CURRENT TV shows you enjoy (I can’t stop at 4, I need help!)
A. Gilmore Girls
B. 7th Heaven (this is the last season….boo hoo)
C. America’s Top Model (guilty pleasure!!!)
D. I Shouldn’t be Alive (Discovery Channel)
E. Dirty Jobs (Discovery Channel)
F. Laguna Beach (MTV)
G. CSI
H. Law & Order
I. I Love the 80’s (MTV)
J. True Hollywood Stories
K. Good Eats
L. Everyday Italian
M. Easy Entertaining with Michael Chiarello
N. Barefoot Contessa
P. TLC & HGTV in general

4. Four Memorable Vacations
1. Mexico 2002 – Mayan Riviera
2. Christmas in Canada 2005
3. Yosemite 2003
4. Christmas in Pennsylvania – 2001 (still remember the concussion from the snowboarding incident, and haven’t even unpacked the boards)

5. Four Websites You Visit Daily
1. My friend's and their family member’s blogs
2. Dooce.com
3. ZoneLabs.com
4. mail.yahoo.com

6. Four Favorite Foods (ok, maybe more then four)
1. MEAT!
2. Bread
3. Butter
4. Cream
5. Sugar
6. Fruit

7. Four Places I'd Rather Be
1. Outside – even in the rain
2. Chillin’ on the couch watching stupid shows with my lovey with a pair of cats wedged in between us
3. In the Kitchen (barefoot and pregnant) – and not my kitchen, some fancy kitchen in my future home or your kitchen. Well ok, I’ll take my kitchen, cause at least it’s a kitchen and not a desk.
4. Hanging with the girls, chatting and eating yummy food

Lessons from playing SIMs

Happy New Year everyone!

This past weekend was great!
I got to see all of my best friends. Had some great hang out time with those that I love. And have re-learned that limits are good.

SIMs play, I've gone too far. I have seen signs that my view of my REAL life has been altered. I was hanging with Liz and was watching Tommy toddle around, and thought...oh he looks just like a baby SIM as he's learning how to walk! Then when I stayed up late (3am) playing the SIMs and I was not feeling tired at all, but knew I must be, I envisioned my Energy status bar being in the red so I would get off the FREAKIN COMPUTER and go to bed! Then on Monday my Fun status bar was going down as we sat and watched a DVD , House of Flying Daggers, and I thought of what would make this fun bar go back up? MORE SIMs play! And then when I woke up this morning with that evil alarm, I was again thinking of my energy status bar and was wishing that just once I could live like a SIM and wake up when that bar is FULL and ONLY when that bar is FULL! I don't know if I've ever known that bar to be completely full (when not on vacation).

The SIMs family I'm playing right now isn't even all that fun. They are both actors, and they must have a ton of friends to get promotions, and one of them wants to buy all sorts of crap! (fortune aspiration). Since I'm not the type of person that wants to buy a ton of crap, it's a challenge for me to have that mind set to keep him happy.

Some good comes from all this SIMs play. no really! I'm learning stuff about myself, and learning about raising kids and juggling needs. I know you parents out there think I'm crazy to say that, but it is a good eye opener. The always being tired part - check. The stopping and helping with homework and making dinner even when you are in a crappy mood, hungry, tired and in desperate need for a shower - check. Encouraging different behaviors and making sure you play and talk and teach them skills so your relationship with your kids are strong - check. And the most important lesson..... After feeding a baby, do not play with them by bouncing them up and down and holding them over your head, especially when you just showered and are already late for work.