Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year Everyone!

I'll write up a little update soon.... all is well 'round these parts and I hope everything is well with you!

Off to J's house now to celebrate J Day! I'll let her know that you are all celebrating her birthday too!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

And Now It's Over

It was sad and surreal and painful. Ok... it is still surreal (and still sad and sadly, even still painful but hopefully all of that will subside). I've seen the doctor and will not need to go through the surgical procedure.

Not a chapter in my life I had ever expected, but I really hope it is over now and I can feel a sense of closure on the last 3 months. Not the expected ending, but it's the way it is.

I have never felt anger through all of this, because I don't feel there is anyone to blame. It's just something that happens sometimes and happens more then anyone would like to know. It's more a bummer than anything. A delay. A change in the plans.

Today I cried, and I'll likely cry some more. But even as I said goodbye (ok, maybe I'll cry right now) I am very hopeful for the future. I know far too many people who have gone through this, some a few times, and who have multiple very healthy and happy children.

It will happen. Just a little later then we had hoped.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Still Waiting....

Thank you to everyone who have called, emailed, messaged, commented and to those who have kept us in your thoughts. We are still keeping really close to home and honestly, I just don't know how I'm going to react if I see someone who knows what we are dealing with. Not seeing people is letting me stay in my bubble of feeling like I'm coping and dealing and all of that. I suppose I'll find out soon enough because we'll be spending the holidays with Eric's family.

I would especially like to thank the friends who have shared their experiences with me and those who have allowed me to share my experience with them. So few people talk about miscarriage... which I TOTALLY get, but you see I'm a "verbal processor" and I always seem to need to talk and talk and talk in great detail of what I'm dealing with and what I should expect. Even just knowing that people have gone through this has helped a great deal. In a way I feel so alone, but every person who has shared their story with me also have kids.... which again gives us great hope. This is a time when friends have been so utterly important.

So we are still here, and still just waiting. While yesterday was what I thought was going to be my hell day, the day of pain I experienced stopped in the evening without anything happening and I have a feeling what I experienced is so minor compared to what "it" could really be like. Thankfully doctors like to prescribe narcotics so is tolerable and I'm thankful our neighbors work during the day so they don't think someone is being beaten over here. Drugs are weird though as didn't expect I would want to giggle and run around with my arms flailing wildly 25 minutes after popping a pill. The pain still shows through which keeps me pretty grounded to the couch all day long. Oh wait.. that's where I've been for the last week. Today has been constant lower level pain with the occasional moment of being doubled over with a squeal, but still nothing is really happening. In a way I'm sort of getting used to the waves of pain, but mostly I'm just done with it all.

With that I need to also put out some ginormous kudos to my husband. While a tad bit of hovering has been going on, this is his way of coping. He's protecting me and providing for me anyway I let him. I'm such an independent person, so sometimes it's hard for me to accept help. I'm working on it though. He's been completely awesome and I hope I have been able to provide the emotional support he needs as well.

I just want to move past this all day pain. Just waiting to move on.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

With the Good... sometimes comes the not so good.

Last June, Eric and I planned for our wonderfully casual and love filled day of our wedding - Good! What we didn't plan for was me hemorrhaging at the rehearsal. Oh yea.. AWESOME, but not so good.

The day of the wedding was exhausting and totally lovely, and the best thing was that we ended the day becoming our own little 2 person family. GOOD! But then we didn't get to go on our honeymoon because the day after the wedding, my body decided to pick up where it left off at the rehearsal. The night before we were to fly out to Hawaii, we spent the night in the ER while I received 4 pints of O+, a diagnosis that surgery was unavoidable, and the news that our eminent trip to Hawaii would be ill advised. Not so good.

Then in August I had said surgery which was deemed a success. GOOD! But we wouldn't know if I would be able to get pregnant until we tried which was NOT ALLOWED for at least a year. Not So Good.... but hopeful!

Then this past July we were given the go ahead to start trying. GOOD!
And trying was fun, and frustrating, and calculated, and brought us together, and well... Good, but sometimes not as good.

A few months go by and lots of sticks were pee'd on between ovulation monitors and I'm-not-even-late-yet-but-why-not pregnancy tests. One morning I casually pee'd on another stick and got in the shower (by now a familiar routine). We were both in the bathroom a tad later, brushing our teeth or applying make-up (I'm pretty sure I had the make-up and Eric had the tooth brush), and then I looked down at the pee'd upon stick. TWO LINES! GOOD! GOOD! GOOD! GOOD!

Didn't even know this would be possible! YAY GOOD!

Doctor was called. Ultrasounds were checked to make sure the placement was good as there was high risk of eptopic pregnancy after the surgery. The location wasn't too close to my surgical scar or other existing fibroid (grumble there is already another fibroid), so they shouldn't cause any problems. All looked good! Even a tiny little flutter of a heartbeat was there.
GOOD!
Boobs sore - check
all day nausea - check
pants slowly not fitting anymore - check
baby books piled on the night stand - check

All looking good.
Even got to cancel the fertility tests which were scheduled to begin that very month. WOO!

THEN.....

Second Ultrasound. Ohh! The squiggly image on the screen is way bigger, even baby shaped with little legs and things! Strong heartbeat (all three of us!). The size is a good half week smaller then expected, but that's ok, every one is a little different. That's a heartbeat! The heartbeat is the important part! Excitement grows because I feel we can finally tell family. I can finally tell the story on my blog! DYING not being able to write this down for you fine people! I've been planning for months to tell you all! I have pictures of positive pregnancy tests and scanned in ultrasound pictures and all sorts of little cute stories to tell of picking names and dreams and fun stuff.
Good! Good! Good!

Thanksgiving comes and my parents are here, and I tell my parents. A few days later I call my brother. A few days later I tell people at work, even though my boss knew because I had one particularly bad morning sickness week.
GOOD!
Eric decided to wait to tell his family when we are with them for Christmas. Well.. not exactly what I was hoping for because that means waiting another month for the blog. Still Good!

This week....

I start spotting some brown stuff. It's ok, lots of people spot! I would normally be getting my period today. It's all good right? Advice nurse schedules an appointment for the next day but since its hardly anything there's no worry. Let's just get checked out just in case. To be safe, let's do a semi-bed rest. Yea.. ok. Bed rest. Uh... not so good.

Hours before the appointment, its not brown stuff anymore, it's blood but still very very little. Yea, that's still ok right? RIGHT?
Appointment time comes. My doctor wasn't available so I have some new man saying things to me, and poking and looking and reassuring me. Then another ultrasound (I'm old hat at this now). More poking, some prodding to "wake it up", but its small. like 2 weeks ago small. And it's not moving. We just see my heartbeat in the image getting harder and harder. I ask what if questions and what's next and options and things were schedules, and my arm was continuously stroked by new Dr. man.
NOT SO GOOD! NOT GOOD AT ALL! BAD! VERY BAD!

A formal ultrasound was scheduled with the big fancy machine at the imaging lab to confirm the diagnosis (isn't that a terribly cold word?). Technician knows I already know, and my fancy OB surgical doctor was certain of the diagnosis but said to go through with the ultrasound because they can get a report on the fibroid in there. Technician and I get along great. I'm able to laugh, relax and just go with it. Half way through she gets really quiet and moves more slowly, asks a few questions tenderly, and then its over.
Confirmed.
Sigh. It's not so bad anymore. Not good, but time has given me the ability to get used to the idea.

So I sit at home now. Waiting. Waiting for my body to catch up with what is going on and to do the natural thing. The last scan shows development stopped at 8.5 weeks, only a few days after the previous scan, possibly a few days after Thanksgiving. It's been two weeks, and it is apparent that my body doesn't get it and I will have to have a D&C. The procedure is already scheduled, but it is still a week out. And joy of joys.... we fly out to the East Coast the very next morning to be with Eric's family for Christmas, which was when we were supposed to be telling them our joyous news.

But during this time, I still have to wait. Just in case my body suddenly decides it has figured it all out and puts me through what I hear to be a very messy, emotionally exhausting, and painful hell. After which I will hopefully feel a sense of relief and emotional closure. I'm not about to go through that at the office or in the middle of my commute, which is 1.5 hours away from my comfy blankets and loving kitties and do-anything-he-can-possibly-do-for-me husband, so the wonderful people I work with are letting me work from home or to not work but to be at home when I just can't keep thinking about schedules and issues and designs which seem so very unimportant right now.

So in all of this, we now know we CAN get pregnant (GOOD!) but this time all of the little miracles that needed to happen perfectly to make the most wonderful of miracles, didn't happen in that perfect way. (not so good)

Sigh.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Another blog post at 1am. WOO!!

The reason why naps after a lovely lazy meal of Dim Sum with friends is not such a good idea.... I SHOULD BE SLEEPING!
Between the nap which left me rested and energized and the Internets playing their "surf here, now surf there, click this link I dare you" game, I again find myself here at the wrong time of day.

Although I'm thankfully starting to feel tired and will quickly drift off in slumber because my alarm will go off at 6am regardless of the amount of sleep I've had, I still want to share the little treasure of what is right beside me.


That's Mousy on the bottom of the pile of cuteness touching Eric's sleeping head, and Cosmo on top using Mousy's butt as a lovely squishy pillow.

So cute, I had to share.

and yes... they are BIG cats.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

I Am an Adult. I Am an Adult.

Yea yea, whatever. It's 3:30am and I'm awake, with laptop on lap and downstairs in a cold townhouse (my toes are freezing). I think I woke up at 1-something am. Stupid work thoughts wouldn't leave my head so I came downstairs just to write the frickers down so I can get some sleep. Of course then I realized I had not saved my ToDo list from the last time I did this (Tuesday), and I had to sit here and try to remember all of those items too! Grrr!

Then Facebook happened, emails, blog posts to read... UGH, I'm insane!

So while I'm sitting here, about ready to give sleep another go, I heard something. A sort of thumping/bumping sound outside the front door. Immediatly, I get scared. I stare closely at the front door to see if it's locked, phew it is. I look to see if the window blinds to the front of the house are closed, they sure are. I then recognize the sound as our security screen door not securing a darn thing and being wide open and the wind banging it on the wall (darn post man!). Will I go open the front door to close it? NO! Do I have a scared-of-the-monsters-under-my-bed feeling in my tummy... YES! Do I realize I'm an adult and there are no monsters under my bed, YES but I still don't like them and will not look under the bed to check!

Yes, I realize these are irrational fears (and yes I still do not like hallways in the dark and will always turn on the light in the bathroom for fear of Bloody Mary (and yes, I just got the willies when I looked up Bloody Mary and google brought back images and I immediately had to clear my google search cache because I don't want 'IT' remembering that search)).

and no, I still cannot watch scary/thriller movies because I WILL pull those fears into my life and dreams, and yes the 'Thriller' video scared me and I'm still not a fan although I know the dance!

Are there still remnants of your childhood fears lurking in your mind?