Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Facing the truth

So I'm at work today, and I'm getting lots of people telling me to go home. I'm able to work, and I'm not coughing all the time like most of this office seems to be doing, I just have the headache and the lack of appetite. Ok, and the glowing screens don't help me much, but I was starting to feel really bad yesterday. Not just bad sick, but bad bad. Like more and more depressed, and falling into more and more of a sedentary way of not doing anything.

I'm afraid of depression. It scares me to not be in control. I need to move everyday and to think and to talk to people and to be made to do stuff, or I feel like I am going to fall. And fall hard.

I have been dealing with a low-grade depression for a while now, and I am just now starting to come to terms with it. I generally don't feel sad, but productively doing stuff is becoming harder and harder. I have a hard time functioning at work, at home, and in general my life. The last month has been the hardest as I am loosing the feeling of control, and me getting sick is freakin' scaring me as I found myself just sitting there. Sitting and sleeping. I love to drive and I asked Eric to drive me places, I asked him to be with me all the time. I didn't want to be alone. It's starting to freak me out.

So here I am at work today. Trying to keep a sense of routine and normalcy. I am working and that is good because it has been very hard for the last month. I'm not able to eat though, and sadly the team went to lunch today and I couldn't stomach the idea of sitting in a smelly restaurant. I live for company paid meals and being social at work, so this really sucks.

I really want to go exercise to help with endorphins to help me back onto the upswing I thought I was on last week, but knowing that I'm sick I know that if I do too much that I'll end up with a fever and Eric will have to take a train to take me home. Lots of times endorphins will also help with a headache, but this sinus thing is a real kicker and I loose my balance easily so even just a walk is hard to do right now.

I have a therapy appointment tonight, and besides how hard my first appointment was this will be the hardest thing I've done with her. I'll have to tell her that I am officially battling something beyond me. I've been able to kinda fake it for a while, but this last month has gone past anything that I know how to deal with. I'm not one to ask for help, but I think I need it.

Good times.

By the way, I'm sorry to anyone who reads this. I know I keep writing all of these down trodden posts and they aren't fun to read. Sometimes I think it helps me just to write them and there are a number that have never been posted. But by posting this one, I'm owning up to the fact that I am struggling. There it is.


ML said...

Cherry - Sending you all kinds of support and good vibes today! Depression is such a horrid thing and it really does bring your normalcy to a stand still. I really hope you start feeling better soon - both physically and mentally.

By the way, blog about you're going through as much as you want. You have a lot of good friends out there who care about and support you!

J said...

I'm with ML. Getting it out there is a great thing. :) We all want you to be better, and to do whatever you need to do in order to get there.

I hope that the dr. appt goes well today...