Why Now?

Um yea. It's after 1am and I have found myself steadily working away on something I struggled with all day. Why NOW am I suddenly able to focus on it? Ok, I'm obviously not totally focusing on it, because I'm now over here typing these thoughts but really this is my attempt at breaking my focus so I'll go to bed already!

Also, I just HAPPEN to glance at my company's stock price (which I generally try to avoid doing these days) and ouch! I guess I should pay more attention to the good ol'economy, but all the main street, wall street, Lehman Bros., Bail-Out talk pretty much has me averting my eyes and ears. I felt a panic attack coming on earlier today when a friend asked about my mortgage sitch, which tells me I should probably deal with it if it's getting to me that badly. I generally enjoy living in my bubble, but I guess I should pop it for a while to get things straightened out. But then I'm going right back in.

Speaking of panic attacks... I totally had one the other night, IN MY SLEEP! and then in my awake but sorta asleep state it continued. Whatever dream I was having I continued to think/dream about it even though I was awake and the panic continued along with it (and it wasn't at all about money, today was the first little panic around the monies). I got up and got a drink of water, used the bathroom, petted the cat, and the panic continued. After a few hours of doing all I knew to try. I eventually woke up Eric to rub my back because then I could at least take in a deep breathe with the hopes of getting at least another hour of sleep in before the damn alarm would go off for my early morning Monday meeting marathon. Lovely husband that he is, was very patient with me at 4am and helped me relax so I could sleep another hour. Amazing what touch can do.

and I do know why I'm awake right now. It's that darn Barq's Root Beer I had at dinner. I rarely drink soda and tend to stick to water, tea and milk, but after our run tonight I realized there was little more then a few cans of beans and tomatoes in our pantry and that was all the excuse I needed to jump in the car and head to a fast food joint (run and eat a burger... sweet!). I woke up rather cranky today and it got worse through the day and yea, after running with a sore half ass and the cranky mood, I totally went to Jack in the Box. There I got a too greasy meal which came with a drink, and no I didn't push that little button to get water, I got a soda. A, what I thought to be caffeine-free Root Beer soda, even though in the back of my mind I was remembering that Barq's is the only Root Beer with caffeine but I got it anyway. Damn! I could have had the favored Dr. Pepper and been just as wide awake. Why? Why?

I've clearly lost it or the caffeine is just working its magic, so regardless (I really want to type irregardless just to be funny and annoy people but I digress) I'm going to go up to bed now, and attempt to turn off my head and just accept that I didn't finish what I wanted/needed to do today and that once again time slipped away from me. Perhaps a moment of mindfull meditation will lull me into the calm I couldn't find earlier. Om.