This Saturday I didn't have to work so we managed to JAM PACK the weekend with social excitement and homemaking fun. I will spare you the details (imagine... me, sparing details!), but there was much baking (3 dozen scones and 3 dozen individual cheesecakes), driving, friends, kickball, food, beer (water for me thanks), then more driving, friends, ice cream, other alcoholic concoctions, friends, friends, and more friends. And that was just Saturday. Sunday was more about recovering from playing kickball and all of the baking.
And today? I'm back at work, but that kickball recovery... still in full swing. This morning I left the house while Eric crawled back in bed with 3 ice packs. The frozen peas and corn were sacrificed in the name of pain relief.
Man I don't remember kickball hurting this much.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
You have one new message
One sends an email to her doctor asking for said doctor to call back so that test results can be discussed. Hooray for doctor for responding within an hour (even though that doctor did not call the number which was requested he call in the email). But the doctor should not leave the diagnosis on a PHONE MESSAGE and then continue to blah blah about one of four treatment options and then say, "...but you haven't had kids yet so that isn't really the best solution, so we should talk more later. "
No really. I really like my doctor because he is very easy to talk to about all those taboo topics, and he is the specialist in "trouble" cases, and even better, he is cool with a mixture of eastern and western medicine (his wife is a practicing Buddhist and they attend retreats together). But this latest set of experiences does not leave me with warm fuzzies. Although, I don't now if any of this experience would give me warm fuzzies independent of the caregiver.
Oh wait I did have warm fuzzies when I had to go in for an ultrasound with a full bladder (I danced my way to the exam room). That was almost like warm fuzzies... more like cramps and an uncomfortable burning sensation, but close. (and yes, the jingle for the over-active bladder drug was thoroughly stuck in my head "Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go...")
P.S. The internet is EVIL, and gives me too much information and causes a good deal of anxiety. Although it gives me some good questions to talk to the doctor about, it also gives me scary thoughts.
No really. I really like my doctor because he is very easy to talk to about all those taboo topics, and he is the specialist in "trouble" cases, and even better, he is cool with a mixture of eastern and western medicine (his wife is a practicing Buddhist and they attend retreats together). But this latest set of experiences does not leave me with warm fuzzies. Although, I don't now if any of this experience would give me warm fuzzies independent of the caregiver.
Oh wait I did have warm fuzzies when I had to go in for an ultrasound with a full bladder (I danced my way to the exam room). That was almost like warm fuzzies... more like cramps and an uncomfortable burning sensation, but close. (and yes, the jingle for the over-active bladder drug was thoroughly stuck in my head "Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go...")
P.S. The internet is EVIL, and gives me too much information and causes a good deal of anxiety. Although it gives me some good questions to talk to the doctor about, it also gives me scary thoughts.
Monday, September 18, 2006
What to blog about
My blogging buddy Tracy over at The Star Shine Report asked an interesting question today about how "we" decide what we will write about, what is appropriate for our readers, what we want to share about ourselves (political views, etc.).
This is something that I started a post about a few weeks ago but never posted, because it is something that I've been battling with. Do I write for me or those few that might read this?
I started my blog for me. To put my story out there and maybe it will speak to someone else and they might comment or be touched, or feel a sense of not being alone. I also started it as a stress reliever, as a way to get it out. A couple of friends had started blogs, and I had already been reading a few regularly and I loved the feeling of community. I always wanted to keep a journal but never kept it up and the pressure that someone else out there might read it became incentive to write everyday. Plus... I have this personal need for feedback. It's a weakness and one that has become ever taxing.
I admit that through my day I have thoughts of, "That'll make a great topic to post about!". Or "I need to take a picture of THAT for my blog". And then by the time I get to the computer, the passion has waned. I also feel self-conscience in my writing, and feel that I'm whining too much, and that no one will be interested. But then I think back to why I started this thing and wonder why I feel the need to impress, to be liked, and to get comments.
So Tracy, to answer your question. Sometimes I write for me and whatever is going on in my head and heart regardless of my few readers, and sometimes I filter my thoughts or don't post at all. I used to say that I don't talk to anyone about politics or religion because very little good comes of it. In the last few years I have realized that I didn't talk to anyone about it, because I wasn't sure about my own feelings. Now I am fascinated by both, but only rarely do I talk about it and usually its in a very comfortable forum with those that share the same feelings. I still have that awkward pre-teen in me that just wants to be liked and not rock any boats.
This is something that I started a post about a few weeks ago but never posted, because it is something that I've been battling with. Do I write for me or those few that might read this?
I started my blog for me. To put my story out there and maybe it will speak to someone else and they might comment or be touched, or feel a sense of not being alone. I also started it as a stress reliever, as a way to get it out. A couple of friends had started blogs, and I had already been reading a few regularly and I loved the feeling of community. I always wanted to keep a journal but never kept it up and the pressure that someone else out there might read it became incentive to write everyday. Plus... I have this personal need for feedback. It's a weakness and one that has become ever taxing.
I admit that through my day I have thoughts of, "That'll make a great topic to post about!". Or "I need to take a picture of THAT for my blog". And then by the time I get to the computer, the passion has waned. I also feel self-conscience in my writing, and feel that I'm whining too much, and that no one will be interested. But then I think back to why I started this thing and wonder why I feel the need to impress, to be liked, and to get comments.
So Tracy, to answer your question. Sometimes I write for me and whatever is going on in my head and heart regardless of my few readers, and sometimes I filter my thoughts or don't post at all. I used to say that I don't talk to anyone about politics or religion because very little good comes of it. In the last few years I have realized that I didn't talk to anyone about it, because I wasn't sure about my own feelings. Now I am fascinated by both, but only rarely do I talk about it and usually its in a very comfortable forum with those that share the same feelings. I still have that awkward pre-teen in me that just wants to be liked and not rock any boats.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
The free joy comes to an end
When we moved into the townhouse we had a disagreement about whether or not to install cable TV. We eventually made the compromise of getting it, but I would be the only one to pay for it. Because of this, I decided to just order Basic Cable... that's your basic local channels, plus the shopping channels, a bunch of Spanish language channels and some other random ones way up there on the dial (Dials.. remember TV dials!).
When the cable guy was there installing it, we chatted while he was running cable in the attic. We were talking about computers and telecom stuff and other basic geeky stuff. He was also rather bitter at the cable company with how they contract out the work and then treat the contractors like shit. So as a welcome to your new home gift, he turned on extended basic service for us. That was a $20/month savings.
This week the cable company was doing an audit and discovered their "mistake", and took us back to the basic cable level. I spent about an hour rebooting Tivo and troubleshooting before I realized what had happened. And then I spent an hour reprogramming Tivo and deleting ALL of those shows that we have it record for us that were on the channels we don't get anymore. Sigh.
When the cable guy was there installing it, we chatted while he was running cable in the attic. We were talking about computers and telecom stuff and other basic geeky stuff. He was also rather bitter at the cable company with how they contract out the work and then treat the contractors like shit. So as a welcome to your new home gift, he turned on extended basic service for us. That was a $20/month savings.
This week the cable company was doing an audit and discovered their "mistake", and took us back to the basic cable level. I spent about an hour rebooting Tivo and troubleshooting before I realized what had happened. And then I spent an hour reprogramming Tivo and deleting ALL of those shows that we have it record for us that were on the channels we don't get anymore. Sigh.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
The next day
Is it over yet?
Can I look?
Yesterday I found that I (like many) had 9-11 overload. I didn't want to post anything about it because I am trying to live without as much fear and worry and feel the need to remember but not dwell, but then I felt guilty to post about something else.... so, I posted nothing. Not exactly the epitome of moving forward.
As the day went on, I avoided the blogs and news sites. I buried my head into work and planning. And soon I forgot.
During my drive to work I had noticed that there was an overpass over the freeway that had about 40 flags on it. When I was driving home, the number of flags had at least doubled and there were many people walking back and forth carrying flags and banners. I admit, I made a comment that I thought those people are taking things a little too far, and thought that they were just doing it to go along with the crowd. But then a few overpasses later, there was just one lone woman waving a flag, and I felt bad for her. Here is this woman, wanting to express her love for her country and to remember, and she's all alone.
I felt bad. I felt like I had lost perspective and had become cynical. I lost the appreciation to live with the freedoms we are given in this country. We are lucky.
So today, I remember.
Can I look?
Yesterday I found that I (like many) had 9-11 overload. I didn't want to post anything about it because I am trying to live without as much fear and worry and feel the need to remember but not dwell, but then I felt guilty to post about something else.... so, I posted nothing. Not exactly the epitome of moving forward.
As the day went on, I avoided the blogs and news sites. I buried my head into work and planning. And soon I forgot.
During my drive to work I had noticed that there was an overpass over the freeway that had about 40 flags on it. When I was driving home, the number of flags had at least doubled and there were many people walking back and forth carrying flags and banners. I admit, I made a comment that I thought those people are taking things a little too far, and thought that they were just doing it to go along with the crowd. But then a few overpasses later, there was just one lone woman waving a flag, and I felt bad for her. Here is this woman, wanting to express her love for her country and to remember, and she's all alone.
I felt bad. I felt like I had lost perspective and had become cynical. I lost the appreciation to live with the freedoms we are given in this country. We are lucky.
So today, I remember.
Friday, September 08, 2006
I'm a WOMAN
Ok, so how many people think I'm crazy? I'm 32 years old, and excited about experiencing PMS. Hell, I'm so freakin' excited that I (sorry Ted and anyone sensitive to TMI), I got my period today. Right when I expected, based on the day I stopped taking birth control.
I know most of you out there who are reading this have had a lifetime of having normal cycles or have successfully gotten pregnant years ago, so this may not sound exciting to you and I completely understand if you don't come back to read again, because clearly I am loony to be excited.
I have been on birth control since I was 15 years old. That is 17 years of not letting my own body determine how to manage its hormones. That is most of my reproductive years not really knowing my own body's rhythm. And for the last 10 or so years, that has been me worried about if my body would be able to come back to "normal" and still know what its supposed to do. Worried that I'm waiting too long to find out if I can carry to term (my mom had a number of miscarriage and then high-risk pregnacies). Always worried.
And on top of not knowing my body... I have felt like I've been in an emotional cloud for a long time, years, perhaps a decade or more. Always freaking out about this or that. Over emotional about any little thing. It became normal. It became me. Drama... that is how many people describe my life. Perhaps, I have had constant PMS for many years. I'm sure my friends may think so. So after having 3 weeks of this amazing calm and feeling of level headedness, I think its so cool to feel the difference of a more emotional day.
Today, I feel the weight of cramps, and the burden of knowing I have something else to think about and deal with for the next week -- hopefully only a week this time-- but my head feels clear again. Right now... I'm not worried. Right now I'm practically frolicking and joyful of the ability to experience life as a woman. (tee hee... I said I'm a woman. My therapist will be so proud).
I know most of you out there who are reading this have had a lifetime of having normal cycles or have successfully gotten pregnant years ago, so this may not sound exciting to you and I completely understand if you don't come back to read again, because clearly I am loony to be excited.
I have been on birth control since I was 15 years old. That is 17 years of not letting my own body determine how to manage its hormones. That is most of my reproductive years not really knowing my own body's rhythm. And for the last 10 or so years, that has been me worried about if my body would be able to come back to "normal" and still know what its supposed to do. Worried that I'm waiting too long to find out if I can carry to term (my mom had a number of miscarriage and then high-risk pregnacies). Always worried.
And on top of not knowing my body... I have felt like I've been in an emotional cloud for a long time, years, perhaps a decade or more. Always freaking out about this or that. Over emotional about any little thing. It became normal. It became me. Drama... that is how many people describe my life. Perhaps, I have had constant PMS for many years. I'm sure my friends may think so. So after having 3 weeks of this amazing calm and feeling of level headedness, I think its so cool to feel the difference of a more emotional day.
Today, I feel the weight of cramps, and the burden of knowing I have something else to think about and deal with for the next week -- hopefully only a week this time-- but my head feels clear again. Right now... I'm not worried. Right now I'm practically frolicking and joyful of the ability to experience life as a woman. (tee hee... I said I'm a woman. My therapist will be so proud).
Thursday, September 07, 2006
PMS?
PMS must be rolling in, because I found myself reacting to various events today with a little more emotion then in the past few weeks. I swear, I don't know if I have every felt this before. As far back as I knew what an emotional state was, I have been on constant emotional overdrive, but the last 3 weeks have been pretty steadily calm. Which I would say is odd for what has been happening in my life. I would almost say that I've been numb based on my usual emotional levels but really its probably just a healthy balanced emotional state to most people. So I'm quite fascinated with this new day of being pissed over such a simple thing as a comment on a blog, and then tearing up over missing a friend who is really not far away.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Do you? Do you care what I had for lunch?
I got me a new book, No One Cares What You Had for Lunch, 100 Ideas for Your Blog, by Margaret Mason (aka MightyGirl.com). It just came in the mail, all autographed and hot off the presses. Initially I bought this in support of the author's first publication (since she is the cousin of a good friend, and I like to think I'm close to her somehow even though I have met her multiple times and she thinks I'm meeting her for the first time each time, but she's so cool that I don't care).But then I thought, maybe it would be fun to occasionally pull from her 100 ideas for blog entries so I may not always bore you with what I had for lunch since I rarely do that now but maybe I'll start because wouldn't that be a swell idea? (BTW - I had a salami sandwich with some leftover labor day weekend breakfast cantaloupe and pineapple).
Look out for some entries which I did not come up with myself in the future... and note that the book is currently being hidden under a pile of papers on my desk. I don't want the people here to think I blog at work!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Waiting
This past week was labor day weekend and I was lucky enough to get the whole weekend off. I also worked from home on Friday because I had that "urgent" doctor appointment that I called to make 5 weeks ago. Luckily I got in when I did, because my doctor is on vacation again for 2 weeks off on an adventure in Alaska. Sooo jealous.
I ended up not working much of Friday because my mind became occupied with news from my doctor. Possibly nothing major, possibly something major, possibly just an annoyance that may not present any major complications, but possibly, we won't know until something happens. Sooo annoying! Doctors are supposed to just know and tell you and then make you better!
Some things doctors should not do are suddenly start talking really fast while doing a pelvic exam and repeatedly asking "are you sure you aren't pregnant?" and then run out of the room, leaving the door wide open, coming back with a machine, then throwing off the lights, spreading FREAKING cold gel on my belly and then say, "we need to do an ultrasound."
Measurements were done.
Blood was taken.
Notes to radiology were sent.
And now I wait. Wait for a call with an appointment to radiology so we can find out more. Is it Fibroids? Maybe but he didn't see anything specific on the ultrasound. Is it something more? Will it effect conception? Taking a pregnancy to term? We won't know until we know more details. And even then we may not know until we try and see if there are complications. So here I sit and wait. Trying really hard not to read articles online. Because as my doctor said, "you'll get freaked out. " (He's so helpful)
I ended up not working much of Friday because my mind became occupied with news from my doctor. Possibly nothing major, possibly something major, possibly just an annoyance that may not present any major complications, but possibly, we won't know until something happens. Sooo annoying! Doctors are supposed to just know and tell you and then make you better!
Some things doctors should not do are suddenly start talking really fast while doing a pelvic exam and repeatedly asking "are you sure you aren't pregnant?" and then run out of the room, leaving the door wide open, coming back with a machine, then throwing off the lights, spreading FREAKING cold gel on my belly and then say, "we need to do an ultrasound."
DUH! you seem to be doing it already! Thanks for the warning!
Measurements were done.
Blood was taken.
Notes to radiology were sent.
And now I wait. Wait for a call with an appointment to radiology so we can find out more. Is it Fibroids? Maybe but he didn't see anything specific on the ultrasound. Is it something more? Will it effect conception? Taking a pregnancy to term? We won't know until we know more details. And even then we may not know until we try and see if there are complications. So here I sit and wait. Trying really hard not to read articles online. Because as my doctor said, "you'll get freaked out. " (He's so helpful)
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