Thursday, August 26, 2010

Middle of the Night Bitterness

Been up for what feels like hours and I'm really tired and I have things in my head that want out, but my wrists are freakin' killing me. It's awesome.

Tonight I woke up with a bitterness I can feel in my back, in my gut, I think maybe even in my feet. I don't know where or who or why but it's there. I am deciding I'm just tired. Really really tired. And I should likely fight the urge to wake up my husband right now and say the words in my head because I think it would go over poorly. I am in such a general irritated state that I might feel the need to tell him the shower needs to be scrubbed right now at 3am or throw a fit about how he moves his feet in his sleep and its making a racket. Yea, maybe not the best move.

I have this feeling I need to take a few days off. I don't know what I'm taking them off from since I'm still on leave from the kind of work that pays US dollars, and I cannot take time off from my new mommy job, or my wifey job, or my moo job (breastfeeding/pumping), or my worry about money job or my clean the house job or my get ready for MIL's visit next week job... oh wait. YES I CAN! I can take some time off of some of those jobs. Or maybe I just need a day or an afternoon, or maybe an hour.

So much irritation needing out. Can't hold it in. Must let a little out...

I hate that my leave is more gone than left to live.
I want to travel and to spend time out of this rented house I do not feel at home in which costs more than I wish we were paying, and is a mess and full of crap, our crap which we moved here and it spilled all over the place.
I want to see family.
I want to see friends.
I want to also not see family and friends and to be with my husband and my daughter somewhere other than here, experiencing something new.
I want to not be worrying about the money it will cost to do such things.
I want daycare to be figured out.
I want to pick out a flippin' stroller so I can stop researching them and start taking walks while I still have the days free to do so.
I want to feel like I don't have to hold my tummy in anymore and it returns to a better than its pre-pregnancy state without me actually having to do anything.
I want to stop pumping all the time and yet have a freezer stash so big we need more freezers to hold it and I wouldn't cry if one of the freezers gave out.
I want to not worry about the one freezer giving out.
I want the go with the flow person I was a few months ago to come back because the worrier I was before I got pregnant has totally moved back in and I think I don't need that right now.
I want the weather to not be so hot we can't sleep and not so cold the heater is on daily, but this summer here in this place isn't working out like that.
I want my daughter to sleep.
I want to sleep without pain.
I just want to sleep.

My moo time is done now (not much in the bottle though likely due to the lack of sleep and irritation) so I'm going to go sleep now... maybe... if my daughter is sleeping without flailing about and my husband isn't making so much noise with his feet rubbing on the sheets or his snoring or his knee cracking....


Issas Crazy World said...

Dang girl. I just want to come give you an afternoon off somehow...although I know I can't.

Hugs. Hope tonight is better. Ear plugs? You won't hear feet moving, but you'd hear the baby as long as she's still in your room.

Karen MEG said...

You gotta take the bitter with the sweet - mainstays of parenthood. It doesn't make it any better, I know, Cherry, and sleep deprivation doesn't help much...but this will pass. And then it will come back again, and pass again.

The one good thing is that at past the 3 month mark, things will get easier without you even realizing it. This will all be a blur, I guarantee it!

I hope you get more sleep tonight - hugs to you xoxo

J at said...

Oh crap, I've been there. I'm still there for some of it (mostly money worries). Sleep deprivation is HUGE. Homesickness is HUGE. I remember the first time I went out without Maya, that wasn't to work or something dumb, but something that I WANTED to do. It was amazing. And I had a bit more energy when I came back to her.

I think it's time for Eric to take care of her for a whole day. You can come over here and nap in Maya's bed (the quiet side of the house) while I work. Then when you wake up, we'll do something cheap and fun. Like take a walk. Or swim in the pool. Or window shop at the mall. Or watch a movie on demand/Netflix. Yes, you'd worry some, you'd miss her, all of that. But you'd feel a lot better maybe by the time you got home.

Oh, and those hormones still raging through your body don't mix well with no sleep. Or hadn't you noticed? KarenMEG's right. It will get better. Maybe not at three months (since it's almost 4 months already). Not all at once. But soonish, you'll be sleeping more, and thus more able to cope without the bitterness welling up within you.

Come here. I'll give you cheese and a big huh, OK?

Autumn's Mom said...

I totally know how you feel. I hope it makes you feel a little better that...this is normal and we've all experienced it. It will get better. and worse. and then better again. The fun rollercoaster. We are all on the ride with our hands up in the air SCREAMING!

You go get your cheese now. ;)