Middle of the Night Bitterness

Been up for what feels like hours and I'm really tired and I have things in my head that want out, but my wrists are freakin' killing me. It's awesome.

Tonight I woke up with a bitterness I can feel in my back, in my gut, I think maybe even in my feet. I don't know where or who or why but it's there. I am deciding I'm just tired. Really really tired. And I should likely fight the urge to wake up my husband right now and say the words in my head because I think it would go over poorly. I am in such a general irritated state that I might feel the need to tell him the shower needs to be scrubbed right now at 3am or throw a fit about how he moves his feet in his sleep and its making a racket. Yea, maybe not the best move.

I have this feeling I need to take a few days off. I don't know what I'm taking them off from since I'm still on leave from the kind of work that pays US dollars, and I cannot take time off from my new mommy job, or my wifey job, or my moo job (breastfeeding/pumping), or my worry about money job or my clean the house job or my get ready for MIL's visit next week job... oh wait. YES I CAN! I can take some time off of some of those jobs. Or maybe I just need a day or an afternoon, or maybe an hour.

So much irritation needing out. Can't hold it in. Must let a little out...

I hate that my leave is more gone than left to live.
I want to travel and to spend time out of this rented house I do not feel at home in which costs more than I wish we were paying, and is a mess and full of crap, our crap which we moved here and it spilled all over the place.
I want to see family.
I want to see friends.
I want to also not see family and friends and to be with my husband and my daughter somewhere other than here, experiencing something new.
I want to not be worrying about the money it will cost to do such things.
I want daycare to be figured out.
I want to pick out a flippin' stroller so I can stop researching them and start taking walks while I still have the days free to do so.
I want to feel like I don't have to hold my tummy in anymore and it returns to a better than its pre-pregnancy state without me actually having to do anything.
I want to stop pumping all the time and yet have a freezer stash so big we need more freezers to hold it and I wouldn't cry if one of the freezers gave out.
I want to not worry about the one freezer giving out.
I want the go with the flow person I was a few months ago to come back because the worrier I was before I got pregnant has totally moved back in and I think I don't need that right now.
I want the weather to not be so hot we can't sleep and not so cold the heater is on daily, but this summer here in this place isn't working out like that.
I want my daughter to sleep.
I want to sleep without pain.
I just want to sleep.

My moo time is done now (not much in the bottle though likely due to the lack of sleep and irritation) so I'm going to go sleep now... maybe... if my daughter is sleeping without flailing about and my husband isn't making so much noise with his feet rubbing on the sheets or his snoring or his knee cracking....

Post! I want to Post already!

I get up just about every morning, sometimes when it's still dark out, and I slip away from LilMiss to go.... well honestly, pump so I can breath again and because I really want an excuse to buy a new freezer. Sometimes I sit in the dark with the kitties who miss their mama but mostly I come sit here, in front of the glowing Internets and read or write or edit/weed through the hundreds of photos I've taken the day before.

So you note up there that I said 'write'. Yes, I've been writing. Writing posts for this here blog. But wait, you haven't seen much posting going down. That's because no sane, organized writing flows from these fingers, and most never get finished before someone wakes up. Not that my posts were masterpieces before, but I read them and they are just blabbering nonsensical whining so they sit in my list of unpublished posts for another day.

I am finally one of the many. I am a mommy. I used to be a blogger. And while the world of blogging isn't as forefront to my day as it once was, I'd like to finally say I'm a freakin' Mommy Blogger! I don't' know why, I've just been wanting this for so many years and damn it, it's my time to talk about poop!

So here goes. I'm going to post this here morning's masterpiece and then go back to bed because my baby sleeps until 11am. It's how we roll.