Already?

I know I saw Christmas stuff showing up in stores a few weeks ago but I was able to walk past those aisles and pretend like I didn't see anything. But this morning, this is what I was greeted by as I was walking through/past the mall on my way from the train to my office.

Not quite ready for this yet. Not at all!

Recovery Sunday

Yesterday I went on this great hike with my friend Amy and a women's hiking group we used to hike with all of the time. I have gotten a hankering to get out and hike somewhere new, and this group is great for introducing new parks in the area. The Saturday hikes are usually a good 4-5 hour hikes (including breaks to let the group re-gather and a stop to eat some lunch).

This hike was at a park I'd never been too, oddly enough it was only about 12 miles from my office. I wasn't too keen on reliving my daily commute on the weekend but I'm glad I did. I hadn't hiked with this group for over 4 years, and many of these ladies I hadn't seen for over 5. It was a great time to get out and meet new people and visit a new park.

It was a beautiful day, at least 75 degrees with blue skies (yes, in November). It was a great day to be in a forest and trekking up what seemed to be a never ending hill. Of course when we keep going up for a few hours, the route back down is so rewarding and quick, abet a little tough on the knees. It really was a lovely day.

Of course today finds me sore and pooped. Good thing nothing more then a few loads of laundry was planned for today. I even got in a little baking since I was having a serious want and desire for blueberry muffins and I knew I had a few bags of organic wild blueberries in the freezer (I love Trader Joe's!). We're trying to eat/cook out of the pantry and freezer as much as possible and only buy what we really need to supplement what we already have. And I very easily was able to make a big batch of muffins. Breakfast for a week!

BTW - Blueberry muffins. With streusel topping or without?
I grew up with my mom making them from a box mix that came with a streusel topping so even though I make mine from scratch, they still must have that sweet and crunchy topping (its only butter, sugar and flour, so simple and makes it so special).

Will Ya Recycle Already?

Five years ago, Eric and I moved into our townhome community. At that time we were shocked to find out that each of the 300+ units had a HUGE wheeled garbage can and no recycling program to be heard of. We could never imagine we could fill up that can for the weekly pickup. We rarely did, but we saw many other families with their huge cans pushed out to the end of their little carports at the end of the week almost overflowing weekly.

We finally realized that the cans were so large and full because no one was taking it upon themselves to recycle. While we would still separate and sort and store up our recycling to take to one of the many nearby centers or to my parent's recycling bin which they never filled in a week, everyone else was just throwing everything away.

Now, we didn't ALWAYS recycle everything we could as I'd get sick of the piles and piles of recycling waiting for Eric to load them into the truck. I wouldn't want you to think we were THAT good. But we did give it a really good effort.

Eric talked about going to our HOA meetings for a good 4 years to see what needed to happen to get a recycling program going, but he never did. We just kept doing our part and left it at that.

Last week, I pulled our giant can to the edge of our carport for the last time. When we came home, it had been replaced by 2 brand new smaller cans. One brown for garbage and one blue for recycling. YAY!

Eric immediately cleaned up the patio of all of the recycling which had been waiting to go, and our first home pick up recycling can was full within a few hours. It felt good to pull both of those cans out to be picked up yesterday, and even better to see all of my neighbors doing the same. People will do the right thing.... as long as it's easy.

CHEESE!

Our little foodies group at the office organized a little cheese tasting thing where people brought in different cheeses and we tasted and discussed cheese.
I brought in two of my favorites, Manchego and Humbolt Fog. The Manchego I find to be rich and almost sweet. A lovely eating cheese. And the Humbolt Fog is a young rind ripened goat milk cheese which was introduced to me in culinary school. It's smooth and creamy, rich with a slight tangy bite. I adore it and it is becoming more and more popular and easier to find.
Good Times!

We had a small turn out but all of the cheeses brought in were quite tasty. I mean, come on now, its CHEESE! And now, I realize I ate too much of it. Not so good times!

Great concept. Need to work on the execution. Balance out the enjoyment with the over indulgence.

**Grumble Grumble**

Joey Doesn't Share Food

So I don't know when this started, but I don't like to share food. Specifically when it is a dish I REALLY love. I think it all comes down to expectations and what's in it for me. I mean, if I suggest the sharing because I can't decide on a single dish, then I'm all for it, but if I was really wanting to just get this one dish for me and it is suggested we share, I don't like it. Ohh, and if I want to share but the person I'm with does not want to, then I get all upset. I'm such a baby about food and wanting it my way (ok maybe I just want it my way).

I asked my brother if I've always been so protective about food, and he said he doesn't think so. But man, now I am.

I have a co-worker who is working on me to share happily. It's kind of his mission. There are a few restaurants that he knows I like multiple things so he'll suggest sharing. Somedays I'm all into it, and somedays I'm a total grumpy kid about it. Looking at myself from a distance I think its pretty funny. This clip of Joey, from Friends, allows me to get some perspective and a little chuckle too.

What Does Your Pizza Say About You?

Ok, so I was stuck today for what to post about, so I did a blogthing
I just picked from the list and here goes. Oddly, I think it is pretty right on. I'll give you my answers and below is what the interpretation is about those answers.

1. How many slices of pizza do you normally eat? 2
2. What kind of crust do you prefer? hand tossed
3. What kind of sauce do you prefer? Pesto
4. What kind of cheese do you prefer? Extra Mozzarella
5. What vegetable topping do you like the best? Mushrooms
   
6. What meat topping do you like the best? Pepperoni
   

What Your Pizza Reveals

People may tell you that you have a small appetite... but you aren't under eating. You just aren't a pig. You aren't particularly picky about pizza. It's so good... how could you be? You fit in best in the Western part of the US. Your taste is rather complex and sophisticated. You consider yourself a gourmet - and a bit of a snob. You are generous, outgoing, and considerate with your choices. You are cultured and intellectual. You should consider traveling to Vienna. The stereotype that best fits you is geek. You're the type most likely to order pizza to avoid leaving your computer.

What Does Your Pizza Say About You?

Seriously Outragious

This past weekend some of my friends got together to wish our friend's a happy housewarming. We did it potluck style which turned out great! I love to have a variety of things to munch on.

One of the items I brought were brownies. Lizzie was making a cheesecake (YUM!), so I thought something really chocolatey would balance it out. I had seen Ina Garten make really big and delicious looking brownies on her Barefoot Contessa show, so I thought I'd try it out. She calls them Outragious Brownies, for their size, and their chocolatey punch.

I loved that she made them on a half sheet pan (13 x 18 x 1 1/2), because I knew this recipe was tested and scaled for a large batch. I like to have recipes that are used in restaurants and catering kitchens because they are scaled to make a lot, and that's how I like to bake for parties and for my co-workers. I'm rarely baking for just a few people.

I found these to have a slightly salty sweet thing going on and very chocolatey. They are on the fudgy side, but as a number of my co-workers said it was the perfect amount of fudgy to cakey for a brownie. Before I made them I asked the ladies who were going to be at the get together for a vote on the nuts or no nuts. We went for the nuts, and I'm so glad I did. I'll tell you how chocolatey these are, I took the left overs from the party to work and had them in a sealed container near my desk and I could STILL SMELL THEM!

I made a few changes to the recipe to adjust to the ingrediants I had in the pantry. Espresso Powder instead of instant coffee, but decreasing the amount because I wanted it to boost the flavor, not overpower it. Added some Cocoa Powder and a few extra ounces of chocolate to make up for not having enough unsweetened chocolate. And who keeps Extra Large Eggs in their fridge? I just subbed Large Eggs, actually I think 2 of them were mediums.

Totally Awesome Brownies, based on Ina Gartner's Outragious Brownies.

• 1 pound unsalted butter
• 1 pound 3 ounces plus 12 ounces semisweet chocoalte chips, divided
• 3 ounces unsweetened chocolate
• 3/4 cup cocoa powder (dutch processed)
  
• 6 large eggs
  
• 2 tablespoons instant espresso powder
• 2 tablespoons real vanilla extract
• 2 1/4 cups granulated sugar
  
• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour, divided (1 cup for batter and 1/4 cup in the chips and nuts)
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 3 cups diced walnut pieces

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour a 13 by 18 by 1 1/2-inch sheet pan.

Melt together the butter, 1 pound 3 oz chocolate chips, unsweetened chocolate and cocoa powder on top of a double boiler. Cool slightly. Stir together the eggs, instant espresso, vanilla and sugar. Stir in the warm chocolate mixture and cool to room temperature.

Whisk together 1 cup of the flour, baking powder and salt. Add to cooled chocolate mixture. Toss the walnuts and 12 ounces of chocolate chips with 1/4 cup flour to coat. Then add to the chocolate batter. Pour into prepared pan.

Bake for about 30 minutes, or until tester just comes out clean. Halfway through the baking, rap the pan against the oven shelf to allow air to escape from between the pan and the brownie dough. Do not over-bake! Cool thoroughly, refrigerate well and cut into squares. Pizza cutter works perfectly.

Fell Down Update

Ok, my little fall resulted in just a sprain. I ended up sleeping and kicking it on the couch all day yesterday with my foot in and out of ice. So I think that helped get the swelling down. By the end of day today, it's back to being swollen but it is already much stronger. Yay for not breaking it! Next time my foot is asleep I WILL NOT attempt to put any wait on it until it is fully awake.

Felled Down

This morning I was sitting in our living room looking up hiking trails in the area as I was getting ready to meet up with my friend for a hike. We used to hike at least weekly and I really miss that time with her where we would talk and laugh and occasionally huff and puff our way up hills.

I guess I was sitting sort of funny because my foot fell asleep, like really asleep. I knew it was dumb to put weight on it so I massaged it and was tapping it on the floor while I held onto the chair. I swore it was feeling like any other foot so I took a step. Apparently it had hit the snooze button because it was far from awake. It curled under, lots of bad noises were heard and I found myself on my face on the floor.

A far amount of time passed while I lay there assessing the situation. Do I yell for Eric. Did I just break my foot? Why can't I move my toes or my whole foot for that matter? The numbness turning into throbbing which gave way to searing sharp pain working its way up my leg. Ok, time to call Eric out of bed.

So much for a hike.

Almost 12 hours later and its ok, but that was a scare. I clearly pulled some stuff in there and it is swollen and stiff and hurts and there is a weird tingling when I step on it. But its not broken. Phew.

Night with Good Friends

Cutting it close tonight! I was hoping to post a picture from a little get together from tonight, but I failed to take my camera with me and then I left my phone in the car so I couldn't even get a crappy phone photo. And yes, it was too much to go back out in the rain to get it.

But even without a picture, I can tell you we had a lovely evening full of food and good friends. We were doing a little house warming for Ben and Liz, as they recently bought their first home. And what a beautiful place it is. It is perfect for their growing family.

The group that got together was J, Ted and Maya, Autumn's Mom and her man, and Eric and I. We all brought appitizery bites to eat and we gorged ourselves. All us ladies used to work together WAY back in the late nineties. We have very luckily remained close and have been through a lot together. I truly feel blessed to have such great friends.

Thanks for the fun evening guys! We MUST not wait so long to do this again.

Habitat Restoration

Today, I am grateful I work for a company who supports giving back to the community. At my office, I have organized a few community outreach projects and today completed my second to last project of the year. I'm excited that there is interest to do more, but I personally have a limit to just how many extra curricular things I can do while still getting my work done in an efficient way and to the standards I demand. I already have projects lined up for December, January and I'm getting pinged to do one in February too (might have to get someone else to run that one, I'm pooped).

For a busy company our size, we got a good number of people together to take the morning off to do a little habitat restoration at one of our local parks. This morning we were at Mori Point where we were planting native plants to rebuild the natural habitat for some threatened and endangered species. The little guys we were focusing on today were the San Francisco Garter Snack and the California Red-Legged Frog. While some people don't really think that saving a snake is a good way to spend the morning, I think its pretty cool (although I declined to hold a regular ol'garter snake which our project leader found). Interesting enough the frog is the threatened species and also happens to be the favorite food of the SF Garter Snake. Must save one to save the other.

I failed to bring my camera out, but I had my handy iPhone with me and I snapped a few of the group and of our view. Seriously, this was our view as we were planting. Dig, Dig, Dig, Plant, Plant, Plant, look up and take in a few waves. It was great!


All of those little blue flags are plant markers so people wouldn't step on the tiny baby plants being put in. This picture was taken early on, but by the end of our short work period there were over 200 flags in that little strip.

Internaltional Interest

I wish I could get more words to come out of my fingers but right now I'm SO TIRED! I think my fingers even hurt from the computer work of the day. My teeth even hurt, but that's more because I'm pretty sure I've been grinding them ALL THE TIME, not just in my sleep anymore. AWESOME! I'll probably need braces again if this keeps up.

I do just want to note that I've been really interested in how I've read on more then one blog from a friend from up north who have been interested in our presidential election. I've gotten questions from people I work with who live over in Europe and Asia on my thoughts and how things were looking up to Tuesday. They all knew Tuesday was the big day. Am I really that naive in how much the US and it's president really affects the world?

I guess so.

All thanks to my bubble. Sometimes I really love my bubble. Sometimes I think I should really let it go.

Over Already?

Last night was kinda cool although I admit a little um... anti-climatic? It's like we turned on the TV and poles were already starting to close on the East Coast. Predictions were being made and graphs and numbers were shown that there was hardly a way for McCain to win, and that it would be a shoe-in for Obama.

Sure I think this is great thing, but I guess I was looking for more bang for the past 2 years. Not like I wanted a fun replay of the hanging chad, but I wanted a little more suspense I guess. I even went to bed before the West Coast poles closed. At some point I woke up in the middle of the night, nudged Eric and asked him if we have a new president elect yet, and he said 'yea'. I just rolled back over without hearing the answer because duh, I knew. He of course needed to tell me because he did stay up to watch it all play out. He was pretty excited.

Ahh hell, it's exiting no matter what. Change is good. Change is good.

Sadly, my Obama high wasn't high enough to keep me from being brought down by stupid Prop 8. Sure, it's not over yet, but it's way too close for my comfort.

I Voted - Hopefully

As it turns out, my re-registration took and I was on the list with my new married name. I still made sure I had both ID's with me as I went to check the list. So handy they have it hanging on the wall.

I usually vote by absentee ballot so I haven't had to talk to people at the polling place for well.... ever, so I watched the girl in front of me to see where to start. They looked up my name and DRAT! Apparently when you vote by absentee, even when the ballot they send you is in your old name and you re-register, they still consider you absentee and brilliant me shredded the ballot thinking it was invalid. So since I didn't have it to surrender, I had to vote by provisional ballot. Hopefully my vote will still count.

Go ahead and blame it on me if things don't go the way you wanted them to... well no, the way I wanted them. I'll be over here in the corner with the dunce cap on.

Frickin' Frack

So I changed my name when I got married and early last month I realized that because I did so I needed to re-register to vote. I filled out the form and mailed it in. And now I'm realizing that I never got a new voter card in the mail with my new name on it. In fact, I vaguely recall getting a second one with my old name on it. We were getting so much election crap that I wasn't really paying attention to it all and it was all just going in one big pile until we sifted through it all. And sure enough.... 2 voter cards came, both with my old name.

FRACK!

And when do I realize this? After it's too late to register. I do recall getting a new proposition booklet that said "The lastname's" on it recently, so maybe it did take. GAR! I wish I thought to check before October 20th, which was the cut off for registering in California.

I tried checking canivote.org, which was talked about on Oprah, but alas, my county doesn't have their info online so I couldn't so easily check. I could call, but at this point I couldn't do anything to fix it.

I guess I'll be going to my polling place tomorrow and just hoping my name is on there. Maybe they'll have the list outside again so I can check to see which name is on there and I'll take both of my ID's with me ;-)

Bookcase Purging

Eric and I have been looking at all of the stuff which we have been living with. We realized long ago that we don't really enjoy our living space the way it is and we don't use most of the stuff we are surrounded by.

While we enjoy the benefits of a great library system, sometimes we get in these moods where we do a lot of book buying. Sometimes we buy a lot of reference books about some new interest, and sometimes I fall in love with a fiction author and don't want to wait for their books to get to the library. And of course I end up with a collection of books I've bought in airports because I failed to bring along some reading material.

Over the years we have gone through our books to keep them to a minimum. Some of us do this with a heavy hand and some of us get too emotional about them. Surprisingly, I'm not the emotional one about books usually. Usually.

Today finds us doing another book purge and this time I'm having a hard time with my smallish collection of books. By small I mean it's small compared to my husband's multiple book cases.

• I have a number of cook books which I've held onto for years but have never cooked a single thing out of them. Sorry, you're going to the used book store.
• I have a few years worth of cooking magazines which I totally enjoyed when they come to the house and are now embarrassingly about to fill my parent's recycling tote. (our complex doesn't start their recycling program for another few weeks)
  
• Am I really ever going to read the Harry Potter series again? Probably not. Sorry Harry, but I'm over you.
• I found my well loved copy of Watership Down from many years ago and I imagine my kids (who don't exist yet) falling in love with this classic like I did. But really, they can get it from the library and it'll likely be in better condition.
• I have a stack of books about whales and seals from my days at the Marine Mammal Center and studying to be a Marine Biologist. A dream left behind.
• I have a small stack of fiction which I LOVED but since I rarely re-read, hopefully someone else will love them too, and at a used book price.
  

So now we are packing up the car to head down to the used book store and those that they don't take will go to our local library for their collection and book sale.

Perhaps we'll stay this motivated when we get home and will attack one of the many other dumping grounds in this house. We'll see. I'm not holding my breath.

And So Another NaBloPoMo Begins

This will be my 3rd year participating in NaBloPoMo, where the participants are challenged to post on their blog everyday for the month of November, no theme enforced. I didn't quite make it the first year but sailed through last year. Sure there will be some sorry excuses for posts on those not so creative or free time filled days. But the goal is to just post something and be active in the blogging community.

Starting last year, Eden (the founder of NaBloPoMo), continued the challenge throughout the year and provided themes to write on for that month. However November remains as it was originally, a free for all, write about anything you want challenge.

So hopefully you'll be hearing from me a little more then usual. Happy November everyone and good luck to everyone taking the challenge!

Creative De-stressing

It has been well established that I'm a worrier. With that we can safely say I tend to get overwhelmed. All of this is not helped by the fact that I am a perfectionist.

This past week, there were a few days which found me a little crazed. Not generally the whole day, but little spurts through the day and often right before bed time. Work is what appears to be the trigger and is what has been on my mind lately. Insomnia has kicked in and I have wished I had some sleeping pills to help me stay asleep. I have the kind of insomnia where I fall asleep hard for about an hour or two and then I am woken up by worry. I've written about it a number of times in the past and it's clear this is my stress sleep pattern.

This week I have almost dreaded each night as I fear it will be filled with frustrations of not being able to get back to sleep. I try getting water. Doing some stretches. Petting a cat. Changing sleeping locations (aka the Couch). The only thing that works is Eric rubbing my back, which means I have to wake him up to help me sleep. Seems a little selfish to me, so this is usually my last resort!

About mid-week I realized something interesting during my commute. I have quite a number of knitting projects to finish for the holidays so any spare moment I have is being used on them, so instead of driving or working on the train, I've been knitting. I found that the days which I knit, I can sleep no problem. And the nights where I haven't been able to sleep, which leaves me agitated in the morning, I am able to knit away the sleep deprived grouchiness and have a genuinely good day. This is making a very good case for making sure I take the train into work. Possibly an even better case then the whole environmental impact bit.

Maybe with all of this stress, and then de-stress knitting, I'll actually get all of my gifties completed before the weather warms up (unlike last year).

Missing the Big Picture

For a few years I was really into capturing my days via this blog and my camera. So I haven't been all that great with the blog, but I've been really crappy with the camera. Over there on the sidebar I have a link to my most recent photos on Flickr. Those same cute pictures of my friend's baby girl have been looking all cute and cuddly for over a year. The other day my Mother-in-Law asked me for the URL for my photo site, and I had to go look it up, because it's been THAT LONG! And I was sad to see the last photo uploaded was from Sept 2007. That cute cuddly little baby, ain't no baby anymore although she's still cute and cuddly.

But how does one update Flickr with over a years worth of photos? Well one answer is, you don't. You just start from now and move forward. But I do have well over 1.5 GB of photos which have been taken, but some I'd really like to get up on Flickr, and many with are not worthy. You know, taking 30 pictures of the same 2 brownies doesn't really count as a month of meaningful photos. Maybe 1 of those would be uploaded. And the rest? well I don't know. Disk space is cheaper these days, but do I really want to buy more disk space to store 30 photos of the same 2 brownies? probably not. But I do need to get them off of my camera's discs. Can't use it if I can't store them.

Then there comes a new development which is preventing me from doing much with the photos. My home desktop's hard drive died. Sure I can buy a new one, and reload everything on it and restore from backup, but really... this computer is old and was already showing signs of eminent death beyond the hard drive long before it finally passed. Sad to think that something purchased 8 years ago is considered old. But this is the life of a computer and 8 years is pretty darn old. It was my first and it served me well. and luckily I had seen the signs and backed up everything I cared about off of the ailing machine.

So before I can start using my camera again, I need to get a bunch of photos off of the camera or buy more memory for it (which I have plenty so that's dumb), and before I can get the photos off I need to figure out where to put them and to then sort through them and well... that all just takes time.

If you have any extra time, just let me know and I'll be right over to pick some up. Thanks!

Bueller? Bueller?

Ok, so a little sad am I.

Back here, I mentioned how excited I was about this Back-Tack thing. A global crafty gift exchange set up by some nifty bloggers in Australia. Theme Given, Buddies Matched-up, Get your Crafty on, Exchange, and come out getting to know another blogger and being gifted some lovely crafty wares.

Well, I'm feeling a little bummed over here. We were assigned our partners over a week ago, which of course I emailed her that very day and I still haven't heard a word. Checked my SPAM folder and nothing. Checked her blog, and no entry since early September. Doubled checked that my info sent in the buddy email was correct, as was my Blog URL. Being the rule follower that I am, I made contact between assignment date and Oct 18th, but I'm not getting the same response.

I guess I could comment on her last blog post which is totally out of context, as maybe the email address provided was incorrect (which did not bounce back). I could send another email, but I'd rather not seem too eager or impatient (which clearly I am!). Maybe she has something going on which is keeping her from wanting to participate anymore. Sigh! I only have a few weeks to get my crafty on for the exchange which is to be shipped and received by the beginning of December, and well.. I have family gifts to prepare as well. And so I wait.

**UPDATE** Desperation does work! I got an email today. Now I have to figure out how to make up for my eagerness and sound cool and aloof again. Really, Mimi! I'm cool! I swear. (Damn, must cut out the desperate crap.)

Cutting Corners on a Lazy Saturday

Today started, what seemed to be, very early for me. I had gone to sleep sometime early this morning after what I would call a very grown-up evening at our friend's house filled with yummy food, friends and the reading and discussing of the propositions we are about to vote upon. After getting home, we headed up to bed where I read... and read... and even though Eric was long asleep, I even continued to read out loud. My throat was getting horse and scratchy but I continued to read aloud. At one point I coughed and Eric woke up and stumbled out of the room and returned with a glass of water... FOR ME! Sweet, sweet man. My eyes finally got heavy and I gave in to the sleep.

Only a few hours later I woke up ready to start the day. I quickly got up, put on comfy sweats and headed downstairs so as not to wake up Eric. I fed the cats so they'd hush up, and with the plan to go out for a brisk walk alone, I sat on the couch to put on my tennies. Instead, I found that I sat myself down with a book. What is wrong with me and all this reading business? I think I read for a good 4 hours before Eric called down to find out what I was doing. By this time I had a fuzzy blanket over me and at least one grey warm kitty pinning me down. I couldn't exactly disturb the sleeping kitty!

Around lunchish time, Eric looked through a coupon book and suggested we go to lunch. But alas, I was feeling icky and lazy with all the sitting and reading, so he took his coupon and returned with tasty vittles. Again, unlike me, I only ate half of my most favorite Vietnamese BBQ Pork and Vermicelli. Perhaps since I had fried an egg to throw on top of the noodles and one for Eric and his sandwich (ok and I also ate one before he got home because I didn't time my cooking to account for him standing outside on the phone with his mother for 20 minutes) I had actually consumed more then I thought. I suppose I was surprised I didn't clean my bowl since I love this dish from this restaurant and I still hold grand ties to the clean plate club, especially at lunchtime. (seriously, I get at least 3/4 of my daily calories out of lunch, unless Eric and I go out for dinner and then I get ...well... far too many calories, period).

Eric then turned his attention to saving monies (the $5 off lunch coupon wasn't enough), and he called and canceled the gym membership we haven't used for over 3 months, he logged on and put our Netflix account on hold, and then came the discussion of the Cable TV, Tivo, Internet, Landline phone and Cell phone accounts. This guy was on a mission and didn't care if I was paying much attention as I absent mindly answered my account security questions so he could reset my password on the accounts so he could log in. After I realized what was going on, I put down the book and decided to interact with my money saving husband.

CABLE TV & TIVO
One goes with the other. If the Cable goes, there's no point in Tivo... BUT I LOVE Tivo! But really, we could watch a lot of the shows via the good ol'Internets so there is a way around this $60+$14/month expense. Plus really? Do I HAVE to watch that much MTV and TLC and all the other crap? YES I DO, thank you very much! Ok, we'll consider this but Netflix is coming back if we drop the cable.

INTERNET
No option to let this go. But maybe I can see if my company will pay for part of it. I've heard they do, but I have been too um... ethical to find out since I don't HAVE to work from home, I just do, a lot.

LANDLINE
We decided the landline wasn't THAT much money, but really we mostly use it when cell service is iffy, and to send/receive faxes (you know the up to 20 MAYBE a year). Plus I've had that phone number since I moved out and well... ok that's not a good reason. $300 annual savings... err.... let's think about it. It could cut down on all of the election and give me money calls!

CELL PHONE PLAN
We can change our family plan, which covers both Eric and I and both of our mother's phones, but going down to the next level of plan drops our minutes to almost half at only a $10 savings. I guess I COULD not use my iPhone ($35 extra per month for data and text... um... yea), but I LURV IT! And that would make the investment of the hardware a waste. Would a $10 savings really be worth having to actually tightly track our minutes? Especially if we also drop the landline. Eric never knows how much phone talking time he'll do each month with his business, so Ok, maybe the TV isn't that important.

So now, Eric has gone to the cafe to do some work, and I continue to sit on the couch, reading a little, internet researching a little, blog catching up a little and doing some holiday gift giving knitting (more corner cutting sorta, but not so much time cutting). Perhaps tomorrow I'll get in that brisk morning alone time walk. Or perhaps an evening walk would be just as lovely.

And Then The Stress Subsides

Today just FEELS like a very glorious Friday doesn't it? I mean, I already feel some of the stress of the week melting away, even though it's still in the AM around these parts and I still have at least 2-3 days worth of work to get done today. But for some reason I don't really care! I mean I care about my work and I'll be a busy bee today, but I'm not stressing over it. SWEET! (ask me if I still feel that way at 3pm and deadlines are looming)

With urging from loved ones, I finally sat down with my mortgage papers and I THINK we'll be ok as the whole ARM kicks in. The terms, which I didn't really pay THAT much attention to when I signed the papers, are actually ok. Not AWESOME, but depending on the economy, it will be ok for a little while. Yes I know I should have fully understood everything, but I was young(er), and fully thought I'd be out of here by the time this whole adjustable bit came into play. Funny how THAT didn't happen. We definitely need to adjust how we think about it and how we are handling it, but we knew we'd have to do that soon anyway. At least for now, I'm not freaking out about it as much as I was. Just needed to know a little more about what I as freaking out about, which helped me control the freak (out).

So I guess we'll finally have our merging of the finances talk soon. This newly married, independent, financially stable girl will need to learn to either let go of the control, or take on more or SHARE the responsibility. (which really is about the control thing too). Eric isn't bad with money, he's just not as obsessively organized about it like I am. Some adjusting will soon commence. (Internal monologue: Change is good. Change is good.)

I'm also already totally looking forward to Christmas this year which very much helps with the stress of today. Not the most mindful thing to do, but you know... vacations are fun to look forward to. We're planning on renting a cabin in New Hamshire with the in-laws. They live on the other coast, so we don't get to see them often. So a week or so of hang time, is very much being looked forward to. There will be snow, and fires in the fireplace, and this place has a great stocked kitchen so I'm already thinking of the meals we'll have there.

Its funny how my stress tends to ebb and flow, and at such quick rates of change. (Funny - crazy, weird and somewhat annoying). I'm just happy that today, it appears to be on the way of the ebb.

Happy Friday everyone!

Oh - and I got my BackTack4 buddy assignment today. Hi Mimi!

Why Now?

Um yea. It's after 1am and I have found myself steadily working away on something I struggled with all day. Why NOW am I suddenly able to focus on it? Ok, I'm obviously not totally focusing on it, because I'm now over here typing these thoughts but really this is my attempt at breaking my focus so I'll go to bed already!

Also, I just HAPPEN to glance at my company's stock price (which I generally try to avoid doing these days) and ouch! I guess I should pay more attention to the good ol'economy, but all the main street, wall street, Lehman Bros., Bail-Out talk pretty much has me averting my eyes and ears. I felt a panic attack coming on earlier today when a friend asked about my mortgage sitch, which tells me I should probably deal with it if it's getting to me that badly. I generally enjoy living in my bubble, but I guess I should pop it for a while to get things straightened out. But then I'm going right back in.

Speaking of panic attacks... I totally had one the other night, IN MY SLEEP! and then in my awake but sorta asleep state it continued. Whatever dream I was having I continued to think/dream about it even though I was awake and the panic continued along with it (and it wasn't at all about money, today was the first little panic around the monies). I got up and got a drink of water, used the bathroom, petted the cat, and the panic continued. After a few hours of doing all I knew to try. I eventually woke up Eric to rub my back because then I could at least take in a deep breathe with the hopes of getting at least another hour of sleep in before the damn alarm would go off for my early morning Monday meeting marathon. Lovely husband that he is, was very patient with me at 4am and helped me relax so I could sleep another hour. Amazing what touch can do.

and I do know why I'm awake right now. It's that darn Barq's Root Beer I had at dinner. I rarely drink soda and tend to stick to water, tea and milk, but after our run tonight I realized there was little more then a few cans of beans and tomatoes in our pantry and that was all the excuse I needed to jump in the car and head to a fast food joint (run and eat a burger... sweet!). I woke up rather cranky today and it got worse through the day and yea, after running with a sore half ass and the cranky mood, I totally went to Jack in the Box. There I got a too greasy meal which came with a drink, and no I didn't push that little button to get water, I got a soda. A, what I thought to be caffeine-free Root Beer soda, even though in the back of my mind I was remembering that Barq's is the only Root Beer with caffeine but I got it anyway. Damn! I could have had the favored Dr. Pepper and been just as wide awake. Why? Why?

I've clearly lost it or the caffeine is just working its magic, so regardless (I really want to type irregardless just to be funny and annoy people but I digress) I'm going to go up to bed now, and attempt to turn off my head and just accept that I didn't finish what I wanted/needed to do today and that once again time slipped away from me. Perhaps a moment of mindfull meditation will lull me into the calm I couldn't find earlier. Om.

Taming the Lazy

A few weeks ago I was inspired by Angie and J to get off my butt and to start doing something about my growing assets (clearly not the stock market kind of assets by the look of the DOW lately). Sure, as we age things change and it gets harder to get in shape, stay in shape and we have to pay a little more attention to what we eat and do. Working full-time with a killer commute doesn't freely give me a lot of time to be in the shape I'd like to be in. So I have to make the time and work it into my routine, which kind of goes against the lazy which encroaches on me when I'm at home.

Angie suggested I try the "Couch Potato to 5K" plan she used, and she recently completed her first 5K (and this woman has kids and an organic farm, so what's my excuse?). I had actually read this plan a few years ago but never got out there to do it.

J, I have always seen her to be a lovely, well balanced mother, wife and woman, who knows the importance of staying active. She works full-time, cooks for her family, reads, spend quality time with family and friends, and still takes the time to go on long walks and goes to yoga.

If these women, who have far more complicated lives then I, can take the initiative and the effort to get in shape, well then by golly I can do it too! Of course this means getting up early in the morning because it's dark by the time I get home, or would be dark half way through the run, and I'm a chicken like that. I'm not so good at the get up in the morning, but I'm trying.

Things are going well with this training to run thing, you know after a week. Eric is out running/walking with me and we're both already noticing it getting easier. Each time we go out I notice parts of my body being tight then loosening, and I'm just overall really mindful of my body (and the little pains which come and go).

Last weekend we threw in the hike we used to do everyday back when we were younger and were training for a Yosemite backpacking trip. We used to be able to do this hilly 3 mile hike in 45 minutes. This time it took us 75 minutes but we didn't try to push it, and we stood and watched a hawk and a bunch of baby cows for quite a while. I was just thrilled that I could get up the hills without huffing and puffing. Slow and steady was the motto.

The funny thing is, I felt only slightly sore after all of this. But one morning of bowling at a work party/offsite outing, and my left cheek is so SORE! Who knew bowling worked the body that much! I'm feeling pretty off balance, so maybe I should run tonight but only make left turns or do a lot of stair climbing with only my right leg. I guess if I were to take up bowling regularly (I can't afford it but you know if...) then I'd have a really hot half an ass!

Hopefully the only politics related post (this week)

**uncensored because we've got to tell it the way it is**



I know this has already gone around, but seriously people..... register to vote, and then educate yourself on what you're going to vote on and then get to the freakin' polling place and do it!

I had forgotten that I needed to re-register since I changed my last name when I got married. Thankfully I still had a few weeks before the cut-off date in California. So any of you newly married folks who changed your name, make sure you register!

Wordless Wednesday - the Thursday edition

Back-Tacking

Yo!
This is a call to those cool and crafty! Or maybe just cool and good in the kitchen!

I found this pen-pal like gift exchange called Back-Tack a few years ago, but I always seem to miss the sign-up cutoff. It's a global gift exchange organized by 2 bloggers who met via.... well, blogging. I believe they are both located in Australia, and they are of the crafty sort and thought it would be fun to connect other people who are of the crafty sort, give them a theme, some rules and pair them up with a crafting exchange buddy and let the fun begin! This year's theme is "Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh" and this year the gifts do not have to be crafty but at least one item should be made by your hands, whether in the kitchen or in another crafty way. All of the rules are here, where you can also check out past year's exchanges.

The organizers took a year off but this year's back-tack sign up starts TODAY (well September 30th @ 9am AEST)! Only space for 250 people, so if it sounds cool to you, click and go!

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping...

I feel like I have learned (am learning) to plan and set expectations of myself which are more easily attainable and yet I still find myself loosing time and not completing what I thought I would. Funny how a perfectionist like me would see that happening.

Last week I had every intention of posting the story of the wedding desserts, along with photos of the beautiful day. Well, I didn't take any photos at the wedding even though I carried my camera with me everywhere. It was just a little too dark and I drank a little too much wine (one glass, I know I'm a light weight). My poor hubby had a migraine and spent the reception in the car, asleep (when he wasn't dry heaving). What a trooper is was! Sticking it out so I could stay at the wedding. Honestly I don't think he was looking forward to a drive home in that condition, so a little nap did him well enough to make it home a few hours later without "incident".

I did manage to take some photos of some of the desserts as I was making them (and some after), so I'll TRY to post them for a wordless Wednesday. TRY being the poignant word in that sentence.

The rest of my week was filled with ... well, fillings and work. I went to a new dentist. The first time I had ever been to a new dentist since I was 2 years old. Nothing really happened for me to switch, except it felt like time to make a change. A 32 year stint with the same provider is a pretty good run if you ask me, and I know you did! I guess I figured it would let myself know that I could change since I often find myself doing the same old thing just because it was easier.

New dentist pointed out two lovely cavities (How kind!), so I got to see the nice new teeth people again for some fillings. I had some sort of weird reaction to the amount/placement of the lidocaine and half my face went numb. My eye wouldn't stop watering and once I got home to return to work, I found I couldn't focus that eye which made me nauseous when I focused on the computer. So we'll just say I didn't get any work done that day and I spent the rest of the day on pain killers and asleep.

The next day I was still a little droopy, the shot sites and teeth still hurt, and I was slurring my words a touch, but it wore off over the next day. We, the new dentist and I, were planning on replacing all my amalgam fillings over the next year or so... well maybe we'll just hold off on that now. Fillings as an adult are not fun! I am clearly more a baby now then I was as a kid who got fillings at least once a year. Perhaps in my 20 year cavity hiatus I lost my nerve, or grew a few new ones.

The rest of the week didn't find me doing anything else but working, so the weekend was a welcomed event! (Ok, I fit in some new season shows but it kept me up past my bedtime still!)
I was feeling like I needed some good connecting time with Eric so I dreamed up this great time of hiking and picnicking and wine and cheese and lots of talking and holding hands. I think we napped more then talked, and I finished reading a book while he napped more then I did. I also tried out a possible new Holiday gift treat recipe which proved more time consuming than I had hoped, but I'm glad I'm finding that out now as opposed to the day before gift packages need to hit the post. I diagnosed my mom's DSL network issues, always a fun time doing her tech support. Let's see, what else? Oh yea! Eric and I FINALLY selected our wedding photos! Only 15 months after the blessed day. I'm sure our photographer will be thrilled since he doesn't get the final payment from us until he delivers the selected digital files. Opps!

Not nearly as romantic of a weekend as I had hoped, but we'll try again next weekend when it's not so warm outside so I don't get the "it's already too hot", excuse. Besides, we're supposed to be going into the city (that's San Francisco 'round these parts) for a free concert/festival so that should be fun and will get us out of the house at least one time. And over there, he can't say its too hot. It rarely is.

Wordless Wednesday

Wedding Baking Project #1

As mentioned earlier, I am making the desserts for the wedding of a very good friend of mine. The reception is all cocktails and appetizers, so to go along with the cocktail party theme and a throw back to days past (and because they don't really care for cake), they would like a variety of small sweet treats for their guests. The groom has an allergy to milk and wants to use seasonal fruits in the desserts, so there was a bit of a challenge to come up with the dessert menu.

I'm all about abundance and making sure my friends know I love them through food they enjoy, so trying to learn from lessons past, I am keeping the complicated desserts to a minimum and plumping up the menu with some easier items to produce in larger quantities. I have been learning that I far too easily bite off more then I can chew without stress (you should see me at a buffet!) so I have been practicing restraint with this project... ok eventually I started practicing restraint. Initially I was crazy!

I had originally decided loftily that I was going to make everything without milk so that there would be no worries about the groom eating something that had touched or gotten crumbs on it from a dairy filled item. I was going to spend lots of time in the kitchen testing and experimenting to make totally awesome desserts that no one would suspect contained no dairy. Only one item would have dairy for the bride, lemon tartlets.

Well time past. Weekends slipped by and well.... this weekend was day one of trying to turn an otherwise awesome recipe which uses butter, into an awesome recipe using butter substitutes. Did I mentioned that the wedding is this upcoming Saturday? Umm yea.

So I oddly decided on making brownies non-dairy even though I know the groom doesn't care for chocolate, my non-dairy side of the menu had plenty of choices and we had already decided that a few well identified dairy filled items would be ok as long as the caterer knew to keep them separate on the display. Still, I was determined.

Many batches of brownies were made, and tasted and analyzed. I had friends and co-workers all vote and give me feedback. I messed up my little test though by having one batch of butter containing brownies to compare to. Well duh.. most people loved the butter brownies over the alternates for flavor, and some for texture. Some people liked the the alternates though and when asked to pick between the non-dairy versions there was a clear favorite (even though some people SWORE the loosing batch was awesome!). So I learned that personal preference, experience and expectations all play a very big role in what someone expects in a brownie. I spent a lot of time with these brownies and I found that the butter version was actually overly buttery and the "fake" butter version had a better color and chocolaty taste but were a bit greasier.

The bride has said I could go with the butter version if I would like, but I've already purchased the "fake" butter of the winning batch. I wasn't going to bake the brownies for the wedding until Friday anyway so I have some time to think it over.

Tomorrow...making the shopping list!

Jammin'

A few months ago I had my first jam making/canning experience and now I'm hooked. That first night, I made a batch of apricot jam and apricot curd and 3 different batches of Plum jam; 1 pureed with skins, 1 batch with no skins and 1 with chopped up plums with skins (you can see the three different hues in the photo above). I was easily up until 2am that night as I'm generally far too optimistic on how long new things in the kitchen will take me. But I went to bed that night with a clean kitchen and 20 colorful jars of gently cooling and sealing yummy goodness.

My second jam/canning experience came a week or so later when the peaches ripened up and I made peach jam and peach curd. I know what you're thinking, tree ripened peaches are so good straight up! Why would I cook them down to goo? But these peaches were special. So special that they didn't really have awesome flavor even though they were juicy and ripe. They just needed a little coaxing with some lemon juice and a touch of sugar to bring out their peachy goodness (oh and a ton of butter in the curd).

Then my third experience consisted of fixing the jam from the first jam making experience which didn't set up much, if at all. Yes, I had to fix 4 batches of jam, as thankfully by the 5th batch ,which was the peach one, I figured out that yes I do need to test how the jam sets up before canning and processing it. I went from 20 cups of basically plum juice and loose jam to about 12 cups of thick and still not too sweet spreadable jam, after I cooked them down with apple peels and cores. I didn't want to add liquid or powdered pectin, which would have been far too easy, and wanted to go with the good ol'fashioned whole food approach. One batch got renamed Plum Apple Jam, as I cooked it down with whole apples which cooked down to the point where there was no chance in pulling the pieces out. Still very plummy but with a thicker consistency.

The fourth and most recent endeavor, I was the student of my friend's mom, where she taught us how to make a simple and yummy apple sauce and her famous dilly beans. It was a great experience to learn from someone who has been preserving her own food for many years. Much more insightful then reading recipes in books and on the internets. I can't wait until I have a yard and have my own string bean plants so I can do the dilly beans again. A touch of work to make, but oh so good to eat!

All of the fruit for this canning fun came from my friend's orchard in their backyard. The main goal here is to use the preserves in their wedding desserts which I'll be making in... umm... a week. No cake, all individual bite sized sweet morsels to sweeten the couples new life together. Imagine a beautiful table piled high with flowers and a variety of sweet bites with no silverware in sight. Gorgeous I know! Then throw in the fact that the groom is allergic to milk... yup, I'm crazy but it's the kind of things I do for friends. (Don't worry, some butter will work its way into the desserts because after all the bride is NOT allergic and loves her some butter -- they will just stay well marked and far away from the groomy desserts).

Hopefully I'll remember to take pictures of the dessert making, at least on the first day before I have totally lost my mind...

Vacations Begin and End

For the last week and a half, Eric and I have been on vacation up in Victoria BC. My brother and Sister-in-Law moved there a few years ago as she's in the symphony and they love it and won't likely be moving back anytime soon (if at all). So this means we get to go up to visit them in a really great town surrounded by a whole lot of beautiful things to see.

The vacation consisted of the following activities:
- Cooking
- Baking
- Eating
- Hiking
- Soaking in their new Hot Tub
- Lots of blackberry picking and eating
- Playing xBox and Wii games (thanks for letting us borrow your Wii Ryan!)
- Eating
- Shopping
- Cooking
- Eating
- Reading
- and lots and lots of sleeping in!

The first thing we did when we got up there was make a list the activities, recipes and restaurants we wanted to make sure we hit, and I think we cleared most of the list. We didn't get out to do the bigger activities like renting bikes for a biking day or kayaking, but we'll fit them in next time. But we did manage to gain a few pounds I'm sure, as when my brother and I get together we become rather indulgent in the food eating and cooking department. We were eating chocolates and chips and making rich dips and appetizers. I was buying cheese and pepperonis and buying all of the Canada only flavors of potato chips and downing the bags far too quickly.

I finally found some time to catch up on reading some blogs and bought a few books at the used book store. I'm finally starting to feel a little bit more like me again... just in time to get lost in the craziness of returning to work and life. I even noticed this morning that those deep ravens of worry lines between my eyebrows had lifted significantly. Hopefully they don't find their way back after I face day 1 back at the office.

So many post ideas, so little time

I've been wanting to post for weeks (no months) and sitting down to write out my thoughts has taken more effort then I have been willing to give it. I just don't do things half ass, so silence and an un-updated blog has been the result. I was even on vacation the last week and thought I'd find the time then to write some things down...but no, not even on the plane. So this week I WILL write. I WILL!
If you're lucky, I'll even post a picture or two.

Sent from my ...

A few weeks ago I woke up really early on a Friday morning and went to
stand in line with MANY other people. We talked, chatted and shared
stories about ourselves. We talked a lot about the reason we were all
standing out in the cold and then the heat as the sun rose. Some
people were out the all night. Me I was in line for 5.5 hours. What
was the reason we'd stand in line so early in the morning for so long?

To buy into the marketing hype and to geek out clearly!

As my co-worker told me, so much for me keeping up the facade that
differentiated me from my fellow Engineering geeky co-workers.

Sent from my iPhone

LA Vacation - for the love of friends

Eric and I just returned from a little road trip we took down to Southern California to visit a number of friends. As I have grown up in California, road trips to LA have been frequent but Eric grew up in Appalachian Pennsylvania so he doesn't think too fondly of all of the concrete, the pretentious pretty people and the misplaced tropical flora in the dessert that is LA. I have taken Eric to LA before, but that was to help a friend of ours do some apartment hunting, and well... Eric didn't get a good taste of what LA has to offer. A little too much pavement hitting and Beverly Hills apartment looking for him I think.

This trip was the idea of his childhood best friend. Him and his wife were going to be vacationing in Las Vegas and LA and wanted us to join them. Since Eric has even lower opinions of Las Vegas, he agreed to a long weekend in LA. The main reason for the trip was to see his friends, so really he didn't care where or what we were doing as long as there was some good hang out time. As a bonus, the third of their "Three Amigos" surprised us by flying out from Florida.

These three boys (yes, they are still boys), got in to tons of trouble as kids and have remained "bros" over the last 30 years. This weekend was really special to see the 3 reminisce and share stories, some of which I hadn't heard (and many I had). How special that has to be to still remain close with friends you literally grew up with, even though all three live in different states now.

The weekend's festivities included:

• getting lost in the Hollywood Hills while viewing the fancy houses and then finding ourselves NOT in the Hollywood Hills anymore
  
• a day on Venice Beach... all getting burned to varying degrees (REAPPLY SUNSCREEN!)
  
• BBQ and fireworks viewing, up over the hill at the house previously owned by Gallagher
• Spur of the moment decision to see Wicked (LOVED IT!)
• Rodeo Drive, Hollywood Blvd, and other general LA touristy stuff
• Loads of very rich and luxurious foods and one night of acid reflux (it was the CHEESE!)
• Most important of all, we got in a lot of TIME.
  

Since some of my best friends moved down south a few years ago, Sunday we spent a lovely afternoon visiting with them and seeing another area of LA county. I miss my friends and am shocked each time I see how much their kids have grown. It was truly too short of a time to visit with them, so a follow-up trip will be planned soon. (Especially since Eric seems to be warming up to the idea that LA has more to offer then concrete).

Today we were on our own, as all of the PA buddies had gone home or were visiting other friends, so Eric and I spent the morning walking around Beverly Hills (where we were staying). It was HOT but really quiet and we enjoyed slowing down to take in the area. We found coffee (ICED of course), fresh squeezed juice and croissants, and genuinely enjoyed each others company. As we were lazily walking back to the hotel to check-out, I received a text from my blogging buddy, Starshine, that her and her hubby were on their way to meet us for lunch. YAY! A table of empty plates and 2 hours of visiting and getting to know each other better signaled the end of our little mini-getaway.

6 hours on the road later, we are back at home to some very loud kitties, piles of dirty laundry, and loads of work emails waiting to be read. And wait they will.... work doesn't start till tomorrow.

BTW - No pictures of the trip were taken so I have none to share. SOMEONE (me) forgot the camera and couldn't justify buying one down there, although it was seriously considered!

Finding the Brain Power for the Blog

A few weeks ago my therapist said, you ready to start blogging yet? And I said, maybe. But really I meant no. Sure I posted a bit but I just haven't been driven to write, share or basically sit still for any amount of time to concentrate. I haven't been able to read anything without getting uneasy, coudn't listen to music as it would irritate me. She suggested I start working in some meditating but conveniently I have been too tired, or busy or you know how the story goes.

Well lately I have been missing the community I found via blogging. I miss the friends I've met out here and following the stories they choose to share. Hell, I miss the friends I had before blogging. I just haven't been HERE much, let alone there or over yonder or anywhere really.

So today I cleared out my RSS feedreader of the hundreds of posts posted over the last few whatevers (weeks, months, I dunno), so the number didn't look so daunting. I unsubscribed to some blogs I really don't have that much interest in reading anymore (sorry Dooce, but something tells me you'll do fine without me). Then I took a bit of time to catch up on those I have been really missing and commented on just a half a handful. I realize this makes me a lurker, and I will only get out of the community what I put in, but I'm taking baby steps here and trying to find a way to maintain the community without so much of the time. We'll see how it goes.

I'm going back to bed now, because this whole waking up at 12am, 2am, then give up at 3am to open up the laptop to write down that thing that is nagging me, just to forget what it was until now at 4:40am, will not make for a good day.

Priorities Out of Whack

I am working pretty hard at learning how to find balance in my life, but this morning I found a very big and glaring mistake on my part which shows just how off my priorities are.

Monday is our one year anniversary. Pretty big deal right? So today as I checked out my work calendar to see if there is anyway to take the day off I see that I have managed to schedule an early morning meeting, a few other pretty important meetings sprinkled through the day, and the clincher is a training I have to give until 9:30pm which'll put me getting home at about 11pm.

I haven't told my husband yet, but the guilt is hitting me pretty hard.

Bad wifey! BAD!

I knew that date looked really familiar.


Update: I finally got a hold of Eric and he was very cool and wonderful about it. Told me not to worry or feel guilty. That it's not about how we spend that day, but about how we treat each other and spend most of the other days. Which I know he is right. He is wise and has a very loving heart.

Worrier

Last week I was worried for one friend who's family was displaced due to a wildfire threatening her childhood home. The next day I learned sad news from another friend about loosing her father and worrying about how she is doing. Today I learned sad news from yet another friend about loosing her mother, and I worry about how to be a friend for her during this time of grief and healing. For the last week I have been worried about my own mother's 2 week travel plans which begins tomorrow (see, worrying before I have anything to worry about), and today I learn she is planning another trip this summer, Oy! You fold in the ridiculous amounts of worry I give to work and no wonder I also worry about the frown lines which grow deeper between my eyebrows each night. (I actually get up in the middle of the night to put more de-wrinkling cream on them if I have had a worried filled sleep).

Today I worried about backing up our dying computer, but not wanting to spent too much money but worried about buying the wrong solution. I worried about the fact we haven't paid off our wedding debt even though our anniversary is next week or figured out our joint finances let alone filed our last year's taxes. I worried about feeding our cats a high carb dry food diet which might give them diabetes and researched a better alternative. Which then lead to down a long road of worrying about their teeth, their colons, their kidneys and their general happiness to be indoor kitties.

I have known for a long time that I am a worrier, but I have been finding that my worries seem to be much of what I think about. If I were to be more mindful of my worries, I think I'd worry I was worrying too much, which I guess I worry about. So for now, I accept my worries as part of my heart and part of my chaos. I honestly don't know who I'd be if I didn't worry.

I Guess Gas Prices Have Gotten To That Point

This morning as I was running out of the house to get on the road to make my first meeting of the day, I walked between my car and my husbands work truck in the car port and found what I thought to be an odd site. Wet asphalt, a gas can cap, and the gas tank open on the work truck. Someone had siphoned my husbands gas!

Really? Has it come to this?

My husband was inside on a work call so I didn't want to alarm him while he was trying to sound all talented and all knowing of fruit and landscape design, so I wrote him a little post-it note. I pointed to the note a few times but he was obvious busy so I got ready to leave again. I didn't want to leave in case they drained him of all of his gas and he would need a ride to get a gallon or two. But alas, thanks to his double tank truck, they only drained him down to half, and he doesn't think they got much, especially since they probably spilled a half gallon by the looks of the mess.

But still RUDE!

Oh, and then I called our HOA manager to ask her a question, but then also let her know of the gas stealing. She said, "ok". OK! Really, you have nothing more to say then OK? I don't expect much more I guess, but no 'Thank you for letting me know' or 'I'll give the security company a heads up', or anything. Have I mentioned how much I love living where I live? Have I? Please someone let me know when the market is going to turn so I can can be packed and ready to leave. Hell, screw the packing, I'm outta here.

Lists

Sometimes when the chaos gets too much and I find I start loosing myself, I need to stop and take a moment to figure out where I am and where I'm going and what I need to do to get there. I usually find comfort in writing lists of goals and tasks to help me feel like I'm living a more managed chaos. Sometimes in my life I consistently turn to those lists, sometimes to the point of OCDing all over those lists. Sometimes I have a healthy balance of goals in my life where those lists are more like reminders, casual to do lists. And then there are times, like the last 5 months, where I'm so lost that even the thought of a list and thinking how to get my life back makes me crumble.

Everyday is filled with goals, big and small, and when I'm feeling lost, any task to reach a personal goal becomes overwhelming, tiring, burdensome, and far too hard to even begin. Note I said personal goal. By that I mean anything that is strictly for me or at least mostly for me. So that means laundry still gets done, taking time to connect with friends is still revered, social events are still attended even if getting dressed for that event may include a break down. And my big problem during these times is the sick sick relationship between me and the importance of my job in my life (I could go into that bit of introspection but I'll save that for another day). This is what my depression looks like.

A few months ago I stopped talking, and I don't know really know for how long and to what degree. I didn't stop talking all together, but I was no longer talking about me. Since I need to talk or write to process what is happening in my life, I filled up. I stopped caring about me. I was no longer taking time to be a friend, a daughter or a wife. I stopped cooking, stopped cleaning, I just stopped. The only thing I continued was my work. If I was not working, I was sleeping. And one day I yelled, and cried, and then.... I talked.

This is when I made my first list in a long time.

You might think this list would be long, and exhilarating as I realized where I had gone and was waking up to all of the possibilities. But it was not long at all. It had 3 things on it to do everyday:

Take a shower
Get dressed
Do my Hair and put on make-up

A few weeks later I added to the list:
Walk outside for 10 minutes everyday
At the end of the work day, list the tasks of the next day
Don't work again that day once that list is completed

And yesterday I added:
Office hours - out by 6pm
Take public transportation
Write during commute - Blog, journal, email, lists,etc.
Evening walk with Eric

We'll see how this process goes of finding me and regaining some sense of balance. I may or may not write about it here, and then again I might write it ALL here. I'm giving myself permission to slip, to fail and to just be.

Appetite Booster

Tonight we went out to dinner and decided to check out a steakhouse we had never been too. It's a chain, and I had heard it was ok so we gave it a shot. I have been talking about wanting a steak for a few months, so we finally bit the bullet.

***Long run on sentence tangent warning***
Now I would normally grill my own steaks, but our patio is having a bit of an issue right now, so I won't be using the grill until we spend some quality time together with gloves and brooms, trash cans, and any organizing know how tossed out the window because Eric just will NOT be neat and tidy with his tools, but his current method is not working, and the BLACK WIDOW we helped not build her nest next to MY GRILL will be all the reminder he needs that it is REALLY not working.

Ok, back to my steak eating outing story...

So we found ourselves in a bit of a cheesily decorated chainy type restaurant. As we walked in I glanced at the platter the guy behind us was chowing down on. He got the Prime Rib, and although it wasn't cooked to the doneness I prefer (way not enough pink), the whole meal looked pretty good. Eric and I had already decided we wanted to try their Ribeye before we got the menu, so the meal was underway quickly.

The steak was ok, drier then most ribeyes I've had, but the seasoning was great. The rest of the meal was tasty, but when I was about 3/4 full, I glanced up at the TV which was pointing towards the bar, but I could VERY easily see. On the screen was possibly the most appetizing movie a steakhouse could possibly be absentmindedly be showing.... SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.

I stopped eating, and couldn't understand how Eric continued. But continued he did... until his plate was clean. Of course I realize that I was full on eating and enjoying the flesh of a cow, but having Hannibal Lecter's beady eyes looking down at me made me a bit uneasy.

Blech.

What NOT to do with your beer mug

What was that you say? Oh! You haven't heard from me for quite a while? Yes, I suppose that does happen every once in a while. Pretty much life has overtaken my free time, and when I'm not lifeing, then I'm trying to sleep and well.... I REALLY like sleep.

But I did want to share a little advice I learned this weekend...

When carrying a beer mug in a big parade/walking event/festival thingy (aka Bay to Breakers) where you are part of a 500 person float which contains 25 kegs of beer and 8 taps integrated into the float frame (Disco to Breakers ), do not keep your cell phone and lip gloss in said mug thinking you'll use it like a "purse" because eventually you WILL put beer in the mug and cell phones DON'T DRINK BEER!

And yes, this happened at 8:30am and I hadn't even had any beer. Guess that lack sleep catches up with a person. So if you are trying to call me, give me a few days to call you back so I can see if the poor phone will dry out enough to be revived (hopefully the beer smell will go away too!).

Missing my Husband

Ever have those periods in your life when you just don't seem to have time to do what you would normally do?
I'm kinda feeling that about now. I don't know exactly what is happening, but I haven't been home much and when I'm home I'm pooped, and can only seem to get the most basic and essential tasks completed. My routines just feel off.

We still have clean clothes, and there is milk, eggs and bread in the fridge, but we seem to be in a state of chaos.

I think work has kind of taken over our lives at the moment. I've gone into my cyclical routine of doing just one more thing before I head home from the office and then suddenly its 7pm or later. I work best in the early morning and in the evening, and over the years I have found that I will do these spurts of working later and later and then I burn out go back to normal-ish working hours. Eric's business has been keeping him very busy. He is currently having to schedule jobs months in advance and juggling more then one client project at a time, which is awesome but taxing.

We are finding we are missing each other, which is sad for newlyweds who live together. So many nights someone goes to bed alone while the other is either not home yet or is just finishing up one more thing. We haven't even been sharing meals together which as many of you probably know, is a big deal in my book. I haven't been cooking, and have been eating a lot of crap lately. Yes, fast food containers have re-entered our lives. Eric actually eats more dinners with my parents then he does with me (his plant nursery is at their house so he often works there until the sun goes down and then my dad fixes him dinner). Which is cute, but I miss him.

Since one person has said they need to work late, then the other justifies working late too, and then... we don't see each other.

Finding balance is something we have always struggled with, so we'll find it this time too. But we will probably have to keep reminding ourselves.

Taxing

Have I mentioned we are procrastinators? Yes both of us are, and even though one of us plugged in HER numbers into the ol' computer days before the deadline, the other one didn't get on it until a few hours before the witching hour. Most frustratingly to the person who gets very stressed out about rules and such.

I kept begging him to work on them sooner (while also begging myself to work on them sooner). The worst part, was that hours before it was time to click that e-file button, we realized there might be a problem with my part of the paperwork. Not knowing enough about it, and no luck in searching the internet for help I concluded that I had screwed up. So little miss high and mighty over here, who was freaking out on her very busy husband ended up being the bottleneck to the filing on time, and off went the extension.

After some frustrated words were shared and knowing the alarm for 5am would be going off too soon, we sat in bed talking about why we do this procrastination thing to ourselves. We didn't come to any conclusions, but being unorganized and living in a slightly functional chaotic way might have something to do with it. Soon we laughed it off with the thought of us sitting there, looking defeated with tax papers all over and the word "FAIL" written over our heads.

Yes, we will be hiring an accountant very soon to help our sorry asses with organization and do's and don't, and hopefully setting up a better financial system for the business. It was one thing when we each were only responsible for our own monies, but now we have to be all responsible as a family and business owners. Man, growing up is hard.

East Coast Trip

Soon, I will be going on the first business trip I've been on in over 4 years. The itinerary is packed with working a conference booth and customer visits. I was completely overwhelmed when I saw I would be flying into Philadelphia, driving to New Jersey, staying in New York, and back to New Jersey for more meetings and then flying home, all over 3 days.

This California girl doesn't know much about East Coast living and got a little upset by the packed trip. My husband, who grew up in Pennsylvania, has assured me that my trip won't be as crazy as I think it'll be. That really, all of the places I'm going to visit is completely reasonable in a few day period.

After closer inspection of the itinerary, my co-worker and I will actually have the night we are staying in New York free of planned meetings and this has definitely lightened my outlook on this trip. I've only been to New York once, and that was the last business trip I was on. I had to work the entire trip, and my only sightseeing adventure included going out on my own at 11pm with my now husband on the phone telling me where to turn on my guided walking tour, assisted by Internet Maps. My hotel overlooked Ground Zero and I pretty much just walked around that area.

I just checked the website of the hotel we are staying at on our night in New York. It is located near the Southwest end of Central Park. I've never seen Central Park! I'm totally going to go for a walk in Central Park!

When I first found out about the trip, all I knew was that I'd be going to Philly, and I said I would be fine as long as I get a cheesesteak sandwich (which I better still get!). Now, I have a whole night in New York to experience. Even if all I get is another phone assisted walking tour, I'll take it.

Any suggestions?

Also, since this California girl is also an engineer in a tech company she also doesn't have any business attire to wear (got rid of all of that stuff ages ago), so she will be going shopping in the next few days as well. Look out closet! You will get to house more then t-shirts, jeans and tennis shoes soon. Hope its nice because I don't think I'll be able to find cold weather clothing in these parts at this time of year.