Know Thyself MeMe

Madame J tagged me for this last week, so let's see if I can look inside and share a little something about myself.

What is/are YOUR:

Easy how-to ways to beat a bad mood? Hmm... Well, I sort of inherited my mother's way of dealing with a sucky mood, and that is to be totally confusing to those around you and just switch to a happy mood. I swear, as a kid I was baffled by my mother's ability to flip-flop moods. No, it doesn't deal with the actual issues at hand, but it keeps the day moving, and sometimes that is exactly what I need. And when willing the badness away doesn't work, as my friends are probably rolling their eyes right now completely not believing the flip-flop theory, a quick walk outside will usually do it. Especially if it is sunny, but there is an invigorating chill in the air.

Never-fail lip color? I am not much of a lipstick wearer as I'm not a fan of my lips. I really don't see a point it drawing attention to them. Plus, I can't keep the stuff on my face, and if it makes it on my lips, it seems to migrate. No I don't wear lipliner as I know that is suppose to help and I've tried the long-lasting, dries out your lips and starts peeling kind during catering gigs which works ok, but I have to constantly re-apply gloss. In general, I wear a slightly tinted lipgloss but it only goes on in the morning, and then I tend to forget about it.

Personality type (via myersbriggs)? I'm mostly on the fence in all of the categories. I am the Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging type (ISFJ), according to the test I just took here. It said that I am slightly introverted, sensing and judging, and moderately feeling. Even without the test I know that I often struggle with being on the fence as I have feelings of wanting to be an extrovert, but really I'm an introvert. Sometimes it makes it difficult to know myself because I can be easily effected by the situation at hand. If I'm really comfortable then I'm a total extrovert, but if I'm even slightly uneasy I become an observer and go silent.

Greatest strengths and weaknesses (like in a job interview)? I used to say that I was able to see the big picture, but that doesn't seem to happen as much anymore. My general outlook has become much more focused over the last few years, as my world around me has been changing along with my priorities. So now, both my greatest strength and weakness is really one in the same, I've become very analytical and detail oriented. Sometimes I'm so stuck on the details that I take too much time and over analyze my work. I'm working on the skill of letting go, and its getting easier.

Names of the trees in your yard? Sigh. I have no yard. I have a townhouse with a small concrete pad for a patio. I do have a few ficus trees out there from friends that have moved away and needed new homes for their house plants. Someday soon I hope to have a little patch of dirt to call my own, and then I'll plant a tree. And likely.... it'll be a fruit tree. Most likely a lemon, or an avocado. Mmm

Mother-in-law'’s favorite flower? Seeing as I do not have a Mother-in-law, I don't know how to answer this. I do have a very soon to be mother-in-law though but sadly, I have no idea what her favorite flower is. I do know that she has crocuses and irises planted in her front yard, but that is as close as I can get.

That was a mighty fine exercise. Perhaps doing MeMe's are not as bad as I thought. Thanks for going along with me on that journey.
Now for the tagging part of this MeMe thing. Since I'm usually the one that breaks chain letters because I don't like imposing on people, I am fighting the urge to not follow the MeMe tagging protocol, but part of life is getting over self-induced hurdles so I will tag Tracy at The Star Shine Report. I've been enjoying her writing and she sounds like a really fun and insightful person, plus she's IN LOVE so you know she's already looking inside herself and is aware of her feelings.

LOOK OUT FOR JELLYFISH

While wandering about drugstore.com's FSA store, looking for ways to spend some left over FSA dollars, I came across this product. Safe Sea, Sunblock with Jellyfish Sting Protective Lotion.

I suppose I don't swim in the ocean enough to know that this product exists, because I had never heard of it. Facinating.

Thought you might like to join me in tilting your head to one side and making a sort of a questioning "eeerrrrRRRRP" sound (you know like what a dog does when it is questioning something -- I do it often).

Dress Code

This morning I was forced to find clothes to wear to the office that did not include jeans. NO JEANS? WHAT ON EARTH WILL I WEAR?

The project team is going out after work for a little celebration with a dinner cruise on the bay. I've never been on one, and apparently neither have many of my co-workers as we were all shocked to be told of a dress code. A DRESS CODE! No Jeans, no shorts, no t-shirts. Pretty basic really, but I have sort of let things go a tad, and I haven't touched 90% of my wardrobe for at least 6 months because... most of it doesn't fit, and I've gotten lazy. Such the dilemma.

I do admit I've become a bit of a slob in my non-girly, I work in software so why do I need to wear anything fancier than jeans, a t-shirt and flip flops everyday sort of dressing, and it has been weighing heavy on my psyche. Giving up on one's looks, does not play well into a healthy self-esteem. Sure. Sure. I still spend way too much money on fancy hair care products and cuts and highlights, but I never do anything with it. I get out of the shower, brush it, and fly out the door with it wet. And rarely does any make-up land on my face even though I own the basics.

This morning my bedroom was suddenly covered in almost every item of clothing in my closet that wasn't a t-shirt or jeans. I tried on all of it. I settled on a cute outfit but then realized that I didn't have shoes to go with the skirt except flip flops. Darn. But amazingly... with the help of some "constricting" undergarments, I was able to wear a pair of black, stretchy cropped pants that I don't think look too stretched out, if you know what I mean. Throw on a pair of sandals that are work appropriate, and one of the 3 cute tops that I own and bam! Suddenly I feel like wearing make-up and pulling out the curling iron.

Though I have no money to shop (yea yea, money woes, who doesn't have them), I would like to find a way to start paying more attention to me without going on a shopping spree. I would like to remember that I am a girl. That although we say that looks don't matter, and that the work I produce speaks for itself, I really should dress a little nicer at work and in my everyday life. Show that I do care about how I present myself. Maybe it'll help me at work, and in my head.

Magazine Subscription Renewals

Freakin Magazine Subscription Renewals!

I get them in the mail all the time, and yet I only have 2 subscriptions. How can these 2 publications think that I need to renew so often? They are both annual subscriptions, both set up in the summer so I know they don't become due until next year. Yes, yes I don't want to miss a single issue, and I do have a gift subscription out there for a friend, but her's doesn't expire until next November ... so leave me alone already!

Perhaps some people get scared and send more money when their subscription doesn't actually expire for another 8 months, but that's what the internet is for people! Many publications have a site you can view the status of your account, so you do not have to fall prey to their renewal scheme. Don't do it! Look it up and be aware.

Argh to Marketing schemes!
(no offense meant to those in marketing and sales)

CARP

Well CARP (really its crap but I often miss type it, so it's become an inside joke with those I IM with regularly, and now you're on the inside so go with it already.)

I missed a day of NaBloPoMo. I admit it. I also admit I considered back dating a post, but I shall be honest and admit that I blew it. Oh well. Life happens.

And oh what a yummy life we had yesterday (instead of posting). Eric went to JAM with Py, so I went to hang out with J and Maya (and yes I find it odd that I'm using code names for our friends, but using their daughter's real name). We took a lovely walk to Best Buy and Maya bought herself a new game for her Nintendo DS. She bought Sims2, and seeing as I am one of the many that are obsessed with Sims2, Maya and I bored J to death as we chatted like little girls about the game. Seeing as Maya is a little girl, it was appropriate for her, but me being the 32 year old semi-computer geek that I am... well, it was just fun.

I too had every intention to buy the new Sims2 Pets expansion pack this weekend, but I resisted as really...I can't afford it right now, and its not worth going on the credit card. Food, emergency house repairs, Gasoline to get me to work... those can go on the card, but not a game that is a little stress relief, a little stress producer, and a whole lot of "time suck" (thanks J for the new description). I've also found that I tend to turn to the Sims when I'm depressed and looking for an escape, so its probably not good to facilitate that pattern by buying a new game right now. J also reminded me that there are holidays coming up and that maybe right now is not the best time to be buying myself a gift.

J is very wise.

Then J cooked us a lovely lovely dinner from recipes she got from Py's cousin, Stealthybean, and she crafted a salad with greens, mandarin oranges, green apples & pomegranate dressed in a Blue Cheese vinaigrette. YUM!

It's important to keep good friends close. Especially ones that can cook. Thanks J, Py and Maya for a wonderful day.

Blue Men Rock

If anyone of you enjoy a good show and great music, I highly recommend checking out The Blue Man Group if you are ever presented with the opportunity.

GREAT GREAT NIGHT!

Of course it helps that we had 3rd row seats and Meet-N-Greet passes and were surrounded by some really great people that were all equally excited about the show, and just plain nice. Nice people in a crowded setting can always help the night go more smoothly.

Seriously.... check them out if you can. I hope to see them again whenever I make it to Vegas, as I hear their Venecian show is even bigger and more amazing. Can you tell I'm geeking out? I so am.

Vegas trip anyone?

Friday blatherings about the weekend

Ack.. it is day 3 of NaBloPoMo and I'm already finding a loss for words. So so sad. Who ever thought I'd have a problem coming up with things to say?

So I shall just chronicle our plans for the weekend. Of course then I'll have to come up with things to say this weekend, but I'll attack that situation when I come to it (and I'll have you know that I just typed 'we' instead of 'I' multiple times like I am a we, or like you are in my head and are actually part of my psyche and go with me everywhere.... scary)

Tonight we are going to see the Blue Man Group. Most of you are probably rolling your eyes, but I'm so excited. I've seen clips about them on TV, but never in person. I paid way too much for the tickets, as I got them through a Ticketmaster auction..... soooo stupid, but I know we will have a great time. We have 3rd row tickets, and will have VIP passes for a meet-n-greet after the show. Perhaps a tasty meal will preclude the fun times, but my purse is thinking a lovely hot dog at Costco will satisfy the meal requirement.

The rest of the weekend will be filled with the joys of merging finances, financial goals, budgets, and all that fun stuff(you know you're jealous!), Eric will go JAM with Py Korry at some point and I will hopefully get to visit with J while drinking yummy winey goodness. Of course the normal house cleaning, errand running, grocery shopping duties will commence between all the fun, but they do seem to fade into the background.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Mom in the 21st century

Last year my brother and I bought my mom a new computer and got her an Earthlink account so she could get emails and IM with us, since my brother was moving to Canada. She has used MS Windows since it came out, but still has never quite grasped some basics like understanding the file structures to find a file, or using IE to surf the web. She still calls to ask how to get to a website when someone has told her the URL but she doesn't have a hyperlink to click on.

Last night I was IM'ing with her and she did 2 things that thoroughly amused me.

#1 - she used Google as a verb, so maybe one of her piano students have shown her how to use a search engine and have taught her the lingo

#2 - when she said goodnight, she "signs off" like she is writhing a letter with --- "Goodnight. Mom"

Perhaps I'll have to show her how to get to my blog.... or maybe not.
Welcome to the age of computers mom!

Spread the Love

On Monday, Py Korry wrote a post on Hate, and I had commented about how my mother would remind me how powerful that word really is and to make sure I thought long and hard before I ever used it. So often we find it too easy to say we hate this vegetable, or that person's actions, or ultimately that race of people (ok, maybe that one isn't as easy for most, but frighteningly easy for some). Py's post stuck in my mind through the day.

After work, I had to drive down to San Mateo for some Halloween costume shopping, and then had to merrily head back up a crowded highway 101 (101 at rush hour, either way, is horrid). Traffic was actually moving along at a decent pace and everyone was spaced out. And then traffic slowed (as it always does), and I as I let off the gas and let my car come down to meet the new speed of traffic around me, I rolled up a little closer to the car in front of me. I didn't get close enough that I would say I was riding up on his bumper, but I was at least 15-20 ft away... a perfectly fine distance in my book for the speed we were going. The person in front of me turned on their dome light and very poignantly flipped me off. I was shocked. I felt a touch of anger in me that I did not like, and then felt guilty for upsetting this person. I adjusted my distance and speed and continued to ponder what just happened and why I felt such a strong feeling in my tummy.

I then really watched this person in front of me. They were totally tailing the person in front of them, and then started weaving in and out of traffic, tailing anyone they followed. Clearly this person was already agitated and just wanted to get wherever they were going.

While all of this driving, flipping off, observing business was going on, I was listening to a segment on NPR called "This I believe" where people tell a story about something they believe. The woman that was speaking during this week's segment was talking about how peace starts with one person being kind to another and then that person is more likely to be kind to another and so on (it spreads like syrup). Likewise, I feel that hate and hateful feelings do the same thing.

I continued to think about this phenomenon through my long drive home, and continued with a conversation with Eric. Sure we all have bad days, and bad thoughts and feelings happen, but if we can be more mindful and aware of how they effect others and our environment as a whole, there might be more motivation to be kinder to ourselves and those around us, whether we know then or not, then the love and peace might spread a little more easily.

My pretty pretty bride

This weekend we attended a Halloween party at a friend's house. I generally either go all out, or don't do anything at all, and this year we decided to try a Bride and Groom get up seeing as this goes along with the topic of many of our conversations. But now of course, we couldn't just do your everyday bride and groom... oh no. Eric wanted to be the bride.

A few weeks ago we started looking at thrift stores and craigslist and eBay to find a used dress that wouldn't cost us too much for a costume. We were all into it and then got busy with life and such, and forgot about it. Of course a few days before the party a bit of a panic set in (just for me... he was totally cool with whatever we did). The night before the party I all but gave up on the bride and groom idea and just wanted anything that would make due for a costume.

Of course we ended up at one of those overpriced Halloween stores with just about all the other procrastinators in the area. I was stressed, disappointed at the lack of merchandise left, and got... well... pissy. Eric put me in my place and reminded me that this costume business was about having fun, not about being perfect. He was right, but even though I knew I needed to have fun and try to salvage the fun of our hunt, it was hard to get passed my gloom.

Eric suggested we go to Target, that maybe we would be inspired there. I totally poo-poo'd his idea but went along anyway. Some hunting through the aisles was not turning up anything, and the grumpy me was creeping back. Then we just decided to shop. Low and behold..... a white strapless dress casually tossed over the clearance rack in the Junior's area. It was a size 18, so I had plenty to work with to get it to fit on Eric's not to girlish figure. Finally a breakthrough in my mood.

Add a little handy work with some Safty-pins, a bunch of tulle, Costco flowers, an old headband, fake eyelashes and make-up....Voila! My pretty pretty bride.





The pretty pretty bride is pictured here with our friend Omar as the Mayor from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Sadly I have no pictures of both of us as I was behind the camera... funny how it worked out like that.

MSG?

Last night the project my team at work has been working on finally came to an end. Not like we won't have follow-up work to do but it was a wonderful milestone for a lot of long nights and weekends. I felt such a huge sense of relief that I threw my budget to the wind and brought home $40 of Chinese food for Eric and I to feast upon.

Sadly, soon after eating said feast, Eric retreated to the bedroom where he rolled around in pain with a migraine and then he had Chinese food again... but the wrong way... a few times.

He was feeling a little dehydrated but generally ok before the food eating began. We both ate the same food so its likely not food poisoning, and I don't know of a food borne thingy that would cause the migraine. I went to the "fancy" Chinese place and assumed they don't use MSG, but I could be wrong. Does anyone know if MSG can do this to a person?

(update: Eric woke up (on the couch) feeling just fine this morning and went to work with a lot of energy so thankfully he got out or slept off whatever it was)

(update to the update: Not thinking about the headache, nausea and all the fun he had with the Chinese food the night before, he ate the leftovers the next night with not a hint of understanding as to why I was concerned. Thankfully there were no repeats.)

To wash or not to wash

Over the last 6 months I have noted a behavior that I find most puzzling. I have always believed that women were superior in planning skills, in knowing the right thing to do and when (DUH) and many other areas over the men-types. I also used to think that they were the more clean of the two sexes. But I have noticed something that is making me question my beliefs.

NOT ALL WOMEN WASH THEIR HANDS AFTER USING THE TOILET!

I admit I never really paid much attention to the hand washing practices of others whom I am sharing a restroom with, but recently I have begun listening to the post-toilet-using-activities of fellow ladies' room users to see if they just walk out, of if they stop to scrub the little nasties off their hands before touching the OUT handle of the door. To my shock, almost every person whom I have had the fortune of listening for these activities have headed straight for the door.

Now I'm not a germaphobe, really I'm not. In fact I still chuckle when I think of my MIL-to-be tell her granddaughter to not touch anything in the bathroom because its icky and dirty, but then encouraged her to push the button for the elevator. I figure the more germs kids are exposed to the better. But still... the bathroom door OUT handle is usually the cleanest place in the public restroom, but sadly not here.

My world is forever changed.

Game On!

Today I stumbled (via Maggie) upon a Blog writing challenge that has me strangely intrigued, NaBloPoMo - National Blog Posting Month started by Mrs. Kennedy over at Fussy.

There is only so much time in the day that I can devote to blogging, and most of the time that I have is spent on reading and commenting. I generally keep my blogroll short, and I still don't get to all of your posts everyday, and y'all know my spotty posting habit so I'm going to see if I can play by someone else's rules and get a better posting habit started. My goals will be to document the happenings of my brain, and to somehow establish a well written and entertaining way of sharing said happenings.

I don't usually like to play by other people's rules if they aren't the rules that I would play by on my own, and I am pretty bad at doing anything consistently, but I do work well with deadlines (as long as I have one and I will be held to it). The challenge is for the month of November, to post everyday. There will probably be a ton of wedding planning banter, house project joys, and capped off with stories of a Thanksgiving feast that has gone amok. Join me and wish me luck.

Look out November, I've signed-up and ready to blog.

I gotta go

The office in which I work is oh so very quiet. If you take a phone call at your desk, all will hear what you are saying. Most people go to a conference room when they are on the phone for personal or business calls. I find it a little strange, but at the same time is all makes sense.

Eric and I end every call with an exchange of I Love You's and I find this uncomfortable when I am too lazy to get up and I call him from my desk, so we came up with a code phrase to end our little chat ....

Me: Hi Love! Can you go to the grocery store for me today to pick up some stuff for dinner?

Him: Sure thing, what do you want me to get?

Me: I'll send you an email with a list. (We're so high-tech)

Him: Ok, sounds good.

Me: Thanks! I gotta go.

Him: I really gotta go too!

Me: I really really gotta go! I'll talk to you later! Bye.

Him: Bye.

Doesn't that make you want to just GAG?

Jumping on the wagon

A few people have written about loosing weight, getting in shape, and generally being healthy today so I will go ahead and jump on the train.

I have been in self-hate mode for a few days now. Perhaps it's the realization that I will be in many photographs coming up, and will be put into dress after dress to find the best one for me and my body. While going to wedding websites and reading wedding books and magazines, I am bombarded by the media's view of beauty along with lots of "Wedding Dress Shape-up" tips and advice.

Yes, I look down and I don't like my thighs, belly and butt. I see jeans that I bought not too long ago in a larger size showing signs that its time to go shopping again. Some of the changes in my body are due to the fibroids and I'm starting to understand and accept those. But they aren't the cause of the stretch in the jeans being put to the test around the backside and thighs.

I know that I'm not "fat" (whatever that means), but I do know that my body is changing and I'm not healthy cardiovascularly. I break into a sweat and heavy breathing when I walk up the very slight hill in the parking lot or the 1 flight of stairs at home. Whether its due to the lack of exercise or to my metabolism changing, (or both) I know that if I want to be healthier, I need to get to the gym, or walk at lunch, or do anything other then walk from the door to the car and back. I've been mindful of what I eat, and understanding that sometimes a buffet of catered food at the office is ok to splurge on occasionally, but I really should not have a biscotti or baklava just because its there and free (although it was REALLY GOOD! I was going to take a picture of the baklava today to post here... but I seems to have disappeared.)

I used to be very active. I used to hike multiple times a week, and dance dance dance. But the last few years I have lost the drive. I want to get it back. I need to get it back. I will get it back.

Doughnut anyone?

Where is the ring?

Eeee Gads!
Wedding plans can drive a person batty!

We have been engaged for about 6 weeks I'd say. I didn't share this wondeful news with you beautiful people because...well... I didn't want to. I have written a number of witty, cute posts to tell you, but honestly, I was waiting for the ring to simply post a picture of it.

Sigh.
The ring is still not here, and now the thoughts of wedding, marriage and future are so prominent in my thoughts that I could not keep it in any longer. I also didn't want to bore the masses (of all 3 of you) with my banter of wedding joys.

So...The ring was ordered a while ago, to be made custom by Eric's cousin, and Eric will not tell me anything about the progress as I am to be surprised. I know that his cousin is sending him pictures to approve and Eric has asked me to leave this up to him, that he will make sure all is perfect. Perhaps he will do the whole big proposal thing still, or he wants to present it to me in a special way other then me opening a brown paper package I get from the mailman. With me being the emotional control freak that I am... this waiting and not knowing thing is HARD, and is a wonderful opportunity for me to learn some life lessons of letting go control, trust and patience.

(oh you poor people... you don't know what is going to spew forth now that the flood gates have opened) Beware.

The why...

So today I wrote about how I haven't been able to sleep well on Sunday nights, and Gina posed an interesting question.... "Is it that you just don't like your job anymore?"

My own rule is to not talk about the details of work on the blog, and we all know why, but no I don't think it is that I don't like my job anymore. I enjoy the work and the challenge. Its not particularly creative, but I do enjoy the work. Granted yes I don't care for the commute, but I never did and that is well known at my office. There are parts of the commute that I do enjoy, like the getting to be alone with my thoughts (sorta - I do still have to drive and all, or commute with hundreds of others on the train), and getting to listen to NPR or my morning radio show is actually considered a treat to me.

But there have been a number of other things going on in my life that just sort of overwhelm me come each Sunday night. I think about all the laundry and the cleaning that didn't quite get done this weekend, all of the house projects that need to get underway in order to sell this place so we can move closer to my office. There are the worries of the money to do those projects and then somehow afford to live closer to the office.... those always seems to stir up those sleep stopping thoughts.

Then sometimes I just have too much on my mind, and I really should just get up and write them down to get them out of my head. This action has backfired on me occasionally and has then kept me up as I continued to think and work on these ideas and lists and thoughts.

But last night....oh last night. I was busy thinking and planning and getting totally overwhelmed by....

PLANNING OUR WEDDING (more on that to follow)

The Sunday night freak out

Bam! It's Monday!

Since the demand to work Saturdays has returned for a few more weeks, this was a really short weekend, and I'm so tired. My whole team is really tired, and everyone is getting really short, and now sick too. A few weeks ago I felt the congestion starting, and its not letting up. I have that permanent lump in my throat and occasional gagging cough. Mmm Mmm fun.

For the last few months I've found that I've been getting more and more tired. I sleep in, I take naps, and am generally lazy and refreshed all weekend, and then come Sunday night I can't sleep. I lay there. Freaking out that its Sunday night and that tomorrow is Monday. I worry about this and that and the next thing I know the sun is coming up. Oh sure, I've dosed a few hours here and there, but never soundly. Never like I did for my Sunday after-breakfast nap (Aren't those the BEST?), or like I do during the week.

What is it about Mondays that make me so uneasy?

Battle of the Album Covers

I swear I will not just keep posting YouTube videos and will actually write something soon, but I ran into this today, and immediately thought of Ted.

This is for you Ted.

For the Love of Reading

This goes out to all who love to read and those who wish they loved to read more.



I got this from Dennis, who got this here.

The Changing of the Clocks

Around this time of year I usually start wondering when we will change our clocks again to go back to Pacific Standard Time. I have been lucky enough to remember "Fall Back, Spring Forward", and never really grasp that there was an actual rule to when we go through this ritual of saying hello to cold darkness and goodbye to bright summer evenings.

Believe me I never look forward to "Falling Back" because it means going back to living in the dark. Its dark when I go into the office, and its dark when I come out. In the spring and summer I always feel a sense of being alive and a boost of energy to come out of a long day at work, to a sunny sky that is beckoning for an after dinner hike, or a walk around the town square for ice cream.

So today, I was getting curious about when it will be time to welcome back the darkness, and I wandered about the net (actually I was researching some stuff for work since I have to do system testing with time changes and leap years and stuff, but that's all boring junk). In my search I came across a new US Daylight Saving time rule which starts next year. I haven't found the reason for it yet, but starting next year we will be extending Daylight Saving by 2 months. Starting in March and going to November (its been April to October for those, like myself, didn't know the rule).

I always feel like I have a hard time adjusting to the change anyway, and now its changing even more. I'm curious if I'll even notice, or will this be just another step in taking each day as it comes.

Ohhhh! Airplanes!

This past weekend was Fleet Week in San Francisco, and the sunshine returned to give us a gloriously clear skies.

Back in high school a trip into SF on this particular weekend meant only one thing to me... MEN IN UNIFORM! oh how I still swoon. You see, I was in the marching band (go ahead and snicker), and to top that off, I was in the color guard as well. Up until my senior year, we played off color guard as a spirit team so I got to wear a cute little cheerleader outfit. Of course we just hated to be stuck wearing these cute little outfits around downtown SF with all these sailor boys... oh just hated it!

Now adays, I pack us up and head to the crowded city for more then just the uniforms, because Eric isn't as into that as I am, and we battle the crowds for a good seat to watch the Red Bull Air Race.

WEeee. Those planes go fast. They often cross the start at over 200 mph. And I'm not good at visually judging distance, but we were pretty darn close to those air planes. Not really 'I can almost touch them' close but still pretty close. To demonstate the closeness...I took these photos of the air race and the Blue Angels, and my camera is just a little digital point and shoot. Weeee! I love air shows (and men in uniform - even though some of them looked like they were twelve).

Changes

The mornings have been crisper, and clouds have been hiding the rising sun. As I take to the road for my daily commute, I have been seeing the sun fight its way through the clouds. By the time I reach the other side of the Oakland hills, the sun has usually made its way through the clouds and its sun, sun, sun the rest of the day. But yesterday was a little different. There was a forecast for rain, and dark clouds hanging over the city, and I was heading straight for them.

Yesterday afternoon the first drops of the season fell. I had mixed feelings as I looked out the window to see the shiny asphalt of the parking lot. I admit I let out a few sighs, and even whined a touch, but as I walked out the door of the office on my way to my car I took in a deep breath and began to smile. I know this sounds hokey, but it felt like I was breathing in life and I couldn't get enough.

I don't ever recall being happy about the change to Autumn. I love summer. Love it to pieces. Even when it has been over 100 degrees for a week and doesn't cool down at night, I will still take it over the rain and cold. But this year it different. All day long I sit in an office and think about the moment I will walk into my house so I can pull on a comfy oversized sweatshirt and comfy pants and fuzzy socks. I have been waiting for the fall crisp apples so I can make pies and tarts. I've already begun planning my Holiday cookie extravaganza, and have picked out what cards we will send.

Perhaps I really am finally growing up. I finally don't associate summer with freedom and play. This summer has been the hardest when it comes to my job, and I know that this hell is scheduled to end in November, so this summer has not been the fun filled days I recall. I am looking forward to things slowing down. To weekends of cooking, and holiday parties and family. To cuddling up with my lovey and the kitties with blankets, hot tea, and a movie. Autumn and Winter are so much slower. I'm beginning to like slower.

Weekend Recovery

This Saturday I didn't have to work so we managed to JAM PACK the weekend with social excitement and homemaking fun. I will spare you the details (imagine... me, sparing details!), but there was much baking (3 dozen scones and 3 dozen individual cheesecakes), driving, friends, kickball, food, beer (water for me thanks), then more driving, friends, ice cream, other alcoholic concoctions, friends, friends, and more friends. And that was just Saturday. Sunday was more about recovering from playing kickball and all of the baking.

And today? I'm back at work, but that kickball recovery... still in full swing. This morning I left the house while Eric crawled back in bed with 3 ice packs. The frozen peas and corn were sacrificed in the name of pain relief.

Man I don't remember kickball hurting this much.

You have one new message

One sends an email to her doctor asking for said doctor to call back so that test results can be discussed. Hooray for doctor for responding within an hour (even though that doctor did not call the number which was requested he call in the email). But the doctor should not leave the diagnosis on a PHONE MESSAGE and then continue to blah blah about one of four treatment options and then say, "...but you haven't had kids yet so that isn't really the best solution, so we should talk more later. "

No really. I really like my doctor because he is very easy to talk to about all those taboo topics, and he is the specialist in "trouble" cases, and even better, he is cool with a mixture of eastern and western medicine (his wife is a practicing Buddhist and they attend retreats together). But this latest set of experiences does not leave me with warm fuzzies. Although, I don't now if any of this experience would give me warm fuzzies independent of the caregiver.

Oh wait I did have warm fuzzies when I had to go in for an ultrasound with a full bladder (I danced my way to the exam room). That was almost like warm fuzzies... more like cramps and an uncomfortable burning sensation, but close. (and yes, the jingle for the over-active bladder drug was thoroughly stuck in my head "Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go...")

P.S. The internet is EVIL, and gives me too much information and causes a good deal of anxiety. Although it gives me some good questions to talk to the doctor about, it also gives me scary thoughts.

What to blog about

My blogging buddy Tracy over at The Star Shine Report asked an interesting question today about how "we" decide what we will write about, what is appropriate for our readers, what we want to share about ourselves (political views, etc.).

This is something that I started a post about a few weeks ago but never posted, because it is something that I've been battling with. Do I write for me or those few that might read this?

I started my blog for me. To put my story out there and maybe it will speak to someone else and they might comment or be touched, or feel a sense of not being alone. I also started it as a stress reliever, as a way to get it out. A couple of friends had started blogs, and I had already been reading a few regularly and I loved the feeling of community. I always wanted to keep a journal but never kept it up and the pressure that someone else out there might read it became incentive to write everyday. Plus... I have this personal need for feedback. It's a weakness and one that has become ever taxing.

I admit that through my day I have thoughts of, "That'll make a great topic to post about!". Or "I need to take a picture of THAT for my blog". And then by the time I get to the computer, the passion has waned. I also feel self-conscience in my writing, and feel that I'm whining too much, and that no one will be interested. But then I think back to why I started this thing and wonder why I feel the need to impress, to be liked, and to get comments.

So Tracy, to answer your question. Sometimes I write for me and whatever is going on in my head and heart regardless of my few readers, and sometimes I filter my thoughts or don't post at all. I used to say that I don't talk to anyone about politics or religion because very little good comes of it. In the last few years I have realized that I didn't talk to anyone about it, because I wasn't sure about my own feelings. Now I am fascinated by both, but only rarely do I talk about it and usually its in a very comfortable forum with those that share the same feelings. I still have that awkward pre-teen in me that just wants to be liked and not rock any boats.

The free joy comes to an end

When we moved into the townhouse we had a disagreement about whether or not to install cable TV. We eventually made the compromise of getting it, but I would be the only one to pay for it. Because of this, I decided to just order Basic Cable... that's your basic local channels, plus the shopping channels, a bunch of Spanish language channels and some other random ones way up there on the dial (Dials.. remember TV dials!).

When the cable guy was there installing it, we chatted while he was running cable in the attic. We were talking about computers and telecom stuff and other basic geeky stuff. He was also rather bitter at the cable company with how they contract out the work and then treat the contractors like shit. So as a welcome to your new home gift, he turned on extended basic service for us. That was a $20/month savings.

This week the cable company was doing an audit and discovered their "mistake", and took us back to the basic cable level. I spent about an hour rebooting Tivo and troubleshooting before I realized what had happened. And then I spent an hour reprogramming Tivo and deleting ALL of those shows that we have it record for us that were on the channels we don't get anymore. Sigh.

The next day

Is it over yet?
Can I look?

Yesterday I found that I (like many) had 9-11 overload. I didn't want to post anything about it because I am trying to live without as much fear and worry and feel the need to remember but not dwell, but then I felt guilty to post about something else.... so, I posted nothing. Not exactly the epitome of moving forward.

As the day went on, I avoided the blogs and news sites. I buried my head into work and planning. And soon I forgot.

During my drive to work I had noticed that there was an overpass over the freeway that had about 40 flags on it. When I was driving home, the number of flags had at least doubled and there were many people walking back and forth carrying flags and banners. I admit, I made a comment that I thought those people are taking things a little too far, and thought that they were just doing it to go along with the crowd. But then a few overpasses later, there was just one lone woman waving a flag, and I felt bad for her. Here is this woman, wanting to express her love for her country and to remember, and she's all alone.

I felt bad. I felt like I had lost perspective and had become cynical. I lost the appreciation to live with the freedoms we are given in this country. We are lucky.

So today, I remember.

I'm a WOMAN

Ok, so how many people think I'm crazy? I'm 32 years old, and excited about experiencing PMS. Hell, I'm so freakin' excited that I (sorry Ted and anyone sensitive to TMI), I got my period today. Right when I expected, based on the day I stopped taking birth control.

I know most of you out there who are reading this have had a lifetime of having normal cycles or have successfully gotten pregnant years ago, so this may not sound exciting to you and I completely understand if you don't come back to read again, because clearly I am loony to be excited.

I have been on birth control since I was 15 years old. That is 17 years of not letting my own body determine how to manage its hormones. That is most of my reproductive years not really knowing my own body's rhythm. And for the last 10 or so years, that has been me worried about if my body would be able to come back to "normal" and still know what its supposed to do. Worried that I'm waiting too long to find out if I can carry to term (my mom had a number of miscarriage and then high-risk pregnacies). Always worried.

And on top of not knowing my body... I have felt like I've been in an emotional cloud for a long time, years, perhaps a decade or more. Always freaking out about this or that. Over emotional about any little thing. It became normal. It became me. Drama... that is how many people describe my life. Perhaps, I have had constant PMS for many years. I'm sure my friends may think so. So after having 3 weeks of this amazing calm and feeling of level headedness, I think its so cool to feel the difference of a more emotional day.

Today, I feel the weight of cramps, and the burden of knowing I have something else to think about and deal with for the next week -- hopefully only a week this time-- but my head feels clear again. Right now... I'm not worried. Right now I'm practically frolicking and joyful of the ability to experience life as a woman. (tee hee... I said I'm a woman. My therapist will be so proud).

PMS?

PMS must be rolling in, because I found myself reacting to various events today with a little more emotion then in the past few weeks. I swear, I don't know if I have every felt this before. As far back as I knew what an emotional state was, I have been on constant emotional overdrive, but the last 3 weeks have been pretty steadily calm. Which I would say is odd for what has been happening in my life. I would almost say that I've been numb based on my usual emotional levels but really its probably just a healthy balanced emotional state to most people. So I'm quite fascinated with this new day of being pissed over such a simple thing as a comment on a blog, and then tearing up over missing a friend who is really not far away.

Do you? Do you care what I had for lunch?

I got me a new book, No One Cares What You Had for Lunch, 100 Ideas for Your Blog, by Margaret Mason (aka MightyGirl.com). It just came in the mail, all autographed and hot off the presses. Initially I bought this in support of the author's first publication (since she is the cousin of a good friend, and I like to think I'm close to her somehow even though I have met her multiple times and she thinks I'm meeting her for the first time each time, but she's so cool that I don't care).

But then I thought, maybe it would be fun to occasionally pull from her 100 ideas for blog entries so I may not always bore you with what I had for lunch since I rarely do that now but maybe I'll start because wouldn't that be a swell idea? (BTW - I had a salami sandwich with some leftover labor day weekend breakfast cantaloupe and pineapple).

Look out for some entries which I did not come up with myself in the future... and note that the book is currently being hidden under a pile of papers on my desk. I don't want the people here to think I blog at work!

Waiting

This past week was labor day weekend and I was lucky enough to get the whole weekend off. I also worked from home on Friday because I had that "urgent" doctor appointment that I called to make 5 weeks ago. Luckily I got in when I did, because my doctor is on vacation again for 2 weeks off on an adventure in Alaska. Sooo jealous.

I ended up not working much of Friday because my mind became occupied with news from my doctor. Possibly nothing major, possibly something major, possibly just an annoyance that may not present any major complications, but possibly, we won't know until something happens. Sooo annoying! Doctors are supposed to just know and tell you and then make you better!

Some things doctors should not do are suddenly start talking really fast while doing a pelvic exam and repeatedly asking "are you sure you aren't pregnant?" and then run out of the room, leaving the door wide open, coming back with a machine, then throwing off the lights, spreading FREAKING cold gel on my belly and then say, "we need to do an ultrasound."

DUH! you seem to be doing it already! Thanks for the warning!

Measurements were done.
Blood was taken.
Notes to radiology were sent.

And now I wait. Wait for a call with an appointment to radiology so we can find out more. Is it Fibroids? Maybe but he didn't see anything specific on the ultrasound. Is it something more? Will it effect conception? Taking a pregnancy to term? We won't know until we know more details. And even then we may not know until we try and see if there are complications. So here I sit and wait. Trying really hard not to read articles online. Because as my doctor said, "you'll get freaked out. " (He's so helpful)

32 Scoops with whipped cream, nuts and a cherry!

Each year, the month of August seems to get more and more painful. Usually I stress about what I didn't do, where I'm not in my life, and how much of my youth has gone by without me. I have been living in yesterday, dreading tomorrow and bitching about it the whole time. I have some great friends that listen to the whining, and occasionally throw a slap of reality my way. I come to for a moment of self discovery, and then usually slide back into my world of self-pitty.

No one or thing or action or event is going to change my life, although I keep thinking it will. Those major life events that I have been desperately searching for and living for, are not going to make the sunshine come out and make my world a shining happy place. Only I can turn things around.

I spout off about living in the moment, being mindfull of what you are doing right now. But do I actually practice mindfulness? Not without a LOT of thought. I do it for a few days, and then something else grabs my attention and I go spiraling back down.

For the last few years, my friends have known not to mention my birthday before the day, and to pretend not to hear my sighs and groans when someone mentions it or my age. This year I was again dreading the day, and strangely enough, it's not that bad. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm coming to terms that my "plan" has long been passed up by life.

I "know" in my brain that our plans change that we have to keep making new plans, and that we have to be flexible and adjust to what life throws at us, but its still hurts in my heart. I have to work and live for today. For right now. To make the best of what I have in front of me.

I'm not touting that from this day forward I will be a changed person. But I am going to try a little harder.

Happy Birthday to me!

Birthday buddies and yummies

Yesterday I tried to forget my bitterness of having to work 6 very long days (we're talking getting lucky to see Eric awake), and looked forward to a day of sleeping in, naps, and seeing some friends who I don't get to see nearly enough. Since its hard to get people together, I opted to pull out the birthday card (it wasn't yesterday, but its close enough).

The day started off with sleeping in until 8am, and then laying about until I heard my cell phone ring. With that ring, I knew my friend Amy was up and calling to see when we could get together for brunch. Amy and I used to work together, but she left the high-tech corporate world to start a landscaping design business. She is also very good at keeping contact with friends from college, plus she has a boyfriend, so getting her alone is quite a feat and needs to be scheduled far out in advance. She drove out to my house, and we went to a small neighborhood cafe for a healthy dose of butter, cream, grease and loads of catching up. Mmm Mmm Eggs Benedict.

After brunch, and good-byes, I don't think Amy had even driven away before I was back in bed with kitties curled up around me. I thought Eric would join me for a lazy Sunday cuddle, but if he did, I didn't know it. Around 4:30pm, he woke me up to tell me it was time to get ICE CREAM!Some of our dear friends met us in Oakland for some old fashioned creamery eats and HUGE ice cream sundaes at Fenton's. It was a lot of fun, and we all definitely got our fill of ice cream. Now I'm a huge fan of ice cream, but I go to this place for their caramel sauce. How can I not love a creation that contains my 3 favorite foods; Cream, Butter and Sugar.

They make all of the ice creams and the fudge and caramel sauces on site, in a kitchen where you can watch all the goodness coming together. J and PK's daughter, Maya, and her friend spent a good part of the evening watching the making of many 5 gallon cartons of ice cream (its just so uncool to hang out with adults). And then of course the little man that catches my eye every time I see him, Tman stole the show when the sundaes were delivered and he put out his hand and said "Cherry?". I think he got his fill of cherries that night, because who can resist that smile?Between the good friends, the tasty eats and the naps, it was a great way to celebrate the day I was born.

Check out more pictures of ICE CREAM fun by clicking on my flicker badge over there on the right or here.

Saturday MeMe

J at Thinking About..., tagged me to do this MeMe. I don't know what she was thinking, tagging me on a Saturday when she knows that I'm supposed to be working and she knows that I just can't help myself or control my need to read and post. I feel like I haven't done many MeMe's, maybe 2, and I don't really know why. I love to read them, but I seldom think to write one so here goes:

1. Things that scare me:

• Thinking that I'll never be a mom
• Thinking that we are ruining the earth for future generations
• Idiots who govern our country, other countries, and those that vote/will/or allow them into power

2. People who make me laugh:

• People who can laugh at themselves and put themselves out there to share the humility of life
• My brother - he's rather zanny

3. Things I hate the most:

• Nausea
• Guilt
• Helplessness
  

4. Things I don't understand:

• How some people cannot pick up on their audience's disinterest or non-understanding in what they are continuing to blab on and on about
  
• The idea that one person's beliefs are better then another's
• How I can know one thing but feel/do the opposite
  

5. Things I'm doing right now:

• I'm whistling (and blogging) while I work (on a freakin SATURDAY)
• Drinking tea at noon because I came into work late ON A SATURDAY because I was here until 10pm and opted to stay up late with Eric you know, so I could actually talk to him instead of just nudging him when I've come to bed and then kissing his forehead when I get up
  
• Being bitter and experiencing the discomfort of eating Taco Bell at 11pm last night
  

6. Things I want to do before I die:

• Give birth
• Share at least one story from my life, with my grandchild
  
• Tell my parents I love them
  

7. Things I can do:

• Procrastinate
• Love others
  
• TALK TALK TALK (or chat)
  

8. Things I can't do:

• sit still when I hear music that moves me
• make a decision without consulting at least one person
• keep my own secrets
  

10. Things I think you should listen to:

• Yourself (mind and body)
  
• Children
• the Emergency Broadcast Alert System
  

11.Things you should never listen to:

• Me (unless I am yelling at you to duck, run, jump, or move quickly in anyway)
  
• I wish I could say idiots/politicians/powers that be, but sometimes they say good things too
  

12. Things I'd like to learn:

• how to listen better
  
• how to stress/worry less
  
• how to focus

13. Favorite foods:

• Butter
• Cream
• Sugar
  

14. Beverages I drink regularly:

• Hot Tea
• Water
• Milk
  

15. Shows I watched as a kid:

• Brady Bunch
• Yan Can Cook!
  
• Mr. Wizard's World
  

Friday post about some cat I don't know but gosh darn-it, its cute so HERE!

Sometimes J does a Friday Doggie post, and today her mom, Maya's Granny, did a Friday Cat Blogging post , and the infamous Dooce often posts about her dog on Fridays, as I'm sure many others whom I have yet to discover. Well, gosh darn it, I want to jump on the bandwagon too (it's what I do). But alas, I do not have any recent incredibly cute pictures of my boys, and they haven't done anything especially funny (except maybe when Mousy pee'd on the new memory foam mattress topper thingy which I had just bought and took out of the box. Well the pee'ing wasn't funny, but I'm sure Eric found the site of me amusing, as I was running around after the cat screaming "F@#KER! F@#KER!" at 10 o'clock at night, as he calming stood there and said "He's only a cat. We're the idiots for leaving it on the floor when we knew he likes to pee on stuff like that." Really, I'm not usually one to yell like that, but gosh darn it, my brother and SIL were due to walk in that door at any moment and that mattress topper was meant to make the AeroBed more comfortable for them!)

So anyway. Today as I was working, (yes, working! Someone reported they couldn't get to CNN.com so I had to research the issue which then led me down the unstoppable path of news article surfing) when I came across this article about a cat that walks on its front paws. It made me giggle silently (because I was working afterall), plus there are pictures of cute puppies and kitties which makes it good all around fun, so I thought I'd share.

Click on the picture, and your video player should eventually pop up for some cuteness viewing pleasure (of course you will have to sit through a commercial first). If that doesn't work for you, here is the full article with links to the video. If you melt at the sound of kitten mews, turn up your speakers. mew mew

A side note that amused me: the news crew hung out there for 3 hours waiting for the cat to do its thing. Although I'm sure there work isn't all fun and games, but wouldn't it be fun to hang out at an animal shelter (no kill of course!) all afternoon?

Happy Weekend all!

(enough side comments in parentheses for y'all? What can I say? I'm a multi-tasker! I can't have a single thought, and try as I might, I don't have a filter on these fingers)

Keep it!

My mother has always given blood at least every other month for as long as I can remember. I was so excited when my high school was sponsoring a blood drive and I was finally old enough (with parent permission slip in hand), to give blood. Plus... you got to miss class, but that was just an added bonus.

That day was the first day in a series of tries to donate blood. I am evidentially always anemic. Always. I pump up my meals with iron rich foods for at least a week before giving blood, making sure to have both kinds of iron to help in the absorption, but alas, I have been turned down every time I have tried.

Today my company sponsored a blood drive, and they even made really cool t-shirts for those that donated. The Red Cross also gave out coupons for a pint of Haagen-Dazs ice cream (pint for a pint). The company had a big breakfast spread and Odwalla OJ to pump up on before and after giving.

I brought in oatmeal, fruit, and yogurt, and have been munching on raisins for days. Last night I even cooked up a fat NY strip that was perfectly marbled, and made garlicky sauteed spinach and mushrooms, all cooked up in a cast iron pan again, to up the iron intake.

But alas...they said the iron levels were still too low, and I needed it more then they did. Maybe next time.

Happy Birthday Big Brother

• To the big brother who showed me that playing in the dirt with Hot Wheels isn't just for boys.
• To the big brother who inspired me to do whatever he was doing and therefore I started asking to join the swim team at age 2 (of course the team coach wouldn't let me until I was 4, but I was right there asking every chance I got).
• To the big brother who made me realize how much I was going to miss him when he just had to go all the way to the other side of the country for college. And therefore made me ball on stage at his graduation when I was supposed to be playing Pompen Circumstance.
• To the big brother who I always wanted to emulate, so I took all the same electives he took including French up until my senior year and the teacher asked me to stop, because I just wasn't getting it.
  
• To the big brother who always wants more for me and will do anything he can to get me there.
• To the big brother who I miss dearly, even though he only left 1 day ago and will be back online tomorrow, chatting with me about what to cook for dinner or asking what is the best way to obtain a crust on sourdough bread in a conventional oven.
  

Still Pooped

I knew I was pooped, but didn't know just how pooped I was.

Yesterday morning, we bid my brother and SIL a safe drive home to Victoria, BC. We packed up their car and then went to a diner downtown. This was one of their favorite weekend breakfast eateries when they lived here. We all ate our eggs, and fried meats with some very tasty potatoes (well SIL had cottage cheese instead of potatoes). We parted ways infront of the diner, and I'm sure we were all fighting the carb comma that was creeping up on us.

Eric and I drove home, reminiscing about what a great visit that was, and how sad it was that I had to work almost the whole time they were here. Once we got home, we raced to the bedroom. No No... nothing like that.. we were giving in to the need to nap after a big breakfast. We slept until 2:30ish, then both woke up, chatted for a while and then evidentially decided we were too tired to start the day yet, because the next thing I knew it was 5pm.

The evening went by quickly. We wanted to try to reset our inner clocks to return to going to bed by 9pm, and up at 5:30am. We watched a little TV, went for a walk, ate a snack (that breakfast was long lasting), then we limited ourselves to 3 rounds of a snowboarding video game, and then up to bed we went. I was excited to have time to read, but I don't think I got through a single article of my cooking magazine, as I faintly recall Eric removing my glasses and covering me with a blanket.

This morning, the alarm went off at 6am (I knew I still couldn't return to 5:30am just yet). Eric got up, went for his daily morning walk, and I just laid there. Not believing it was already Monday morning. I'm still tired. Very tired. I think this week will be full of working, and sleeping. I don't have the energy for anything else. I guess I'll start training for that 1/2 marathon next week.

Family Visit

My brother and sister-in-law are set to leave on Sunday. I am trying to not be too sad about it right now so I can enjoy them while they are here. I can't say how lucky I feel to have such a good relationship with my brother and his wife. We can easily live under the same roof without incident. Usually when people go to visit family and stay with them, there comes a time when you are just ready to go home or to have your guests go home, so everyone can go back to having their own space, with their own routines. 1 1/2 weeks is just not enough to get to that place with my brother.

Before they moved to Canada, they stayed with us for about a month due to the sale of their house, the timing of work schedules and the close of their house in Victoria. I know they were sad to leave, but also excited to move on to their new adventure. Perhaps a month was the visiting limit, because they finally said that futon really wasn't all that comfortable. (Which of course helped in my case of getting rid of it!)

Last night Jenny and I both went to bed as soon as we got back from a BBQ at a friend's house, but Eric and my brother stayed downstairs. As I went upstairs I could hear them quietly cheering and groaning, along with the clicking of the Playstation2 controller. Around 1am I woke up to hear the music of the game, but could hear them talking. A few hours later... still talking. Right before my alarm went off, I woke up, feeling refreshed so I knew it was getting to be dawn and I laid there quietly. I didn't feel for Eric in the bed, but I could hear the click, click, click, of the game controller downstairs. I went downstairs to find Eric VERY awake intensely staring at the glowing screen.

Turns out my brother had only gone to bed an hour earlier. They were up almost all night talking and around 3am, they went back to the game. I know I should just be grateful that Eric and my brother get along so well and they truly enjoy each other's company, but all I can think of is..."What the hell were they talking about?"

** Boy talk update**- of course I was hoping my brother was giving Eric a marriage pep-talk, but turns out they were talking about religion, the afterlife, and how everyone has such different levels of compassion especially towards animals. Which then turned to the thoughts of vegetarianism, and on down that road. So amazingly, not boring guy talk.

Hormonal Balance - Weeeeeee

I know its only Thursday and I generally save my Weeeee's until Friday, but damn it! I feel pretty darn good.

Yes I still have work stress, and those other pressures and worries that don't leave without real work being put into them. But after being in a funk for so long, and knowing that I've done very little to improve my mental well being, I'm feeling confident, psychosomatic or not, those pills were the cause of the depression and other more gory symptoms.

I have not gotten to talk to my doctor yet because he was on vacation until the 15th, and sometimes its just easier to wait to talk to your own doctor then to go through all of the history with someone that doesn't have time to listen to you (YAY Kaiser!).

Knowing that I should see my doctor when he returned, I called the 'appointment center'. The rep told me that the computer said his next available appointment was in mid-October. Thankfully she realized this was not acceptable, so she put me in the advice nurse queue. I got to tell my whole story to the 3rd advice nurse I've talked to since I decided to do something about the evil pill and hormone hell. I've noticed that each nurse hears different parts of the story, and focuses on different issues. The bad part of this is that they are the one's writing up the message that goes to the doctor, who is the only one that can override the computer's scheduling to get me in earlier.

I don't know if this last nurse did such a bang up job in capturing my grief, because the next day my doctor's nurse called to schedule my urgent appointment.... for September (Please remember, this call took place 2 weeks ago). I'm thrilled that an appointment in 3 weeks is considered urgent.

At this point, I'm not concerned about the wait to see the doctor because I took it upon myself to stop taking the pill and my symptoms seem to be subsiding. My body is figuring out how to manage its own hormone levels, and I'm much happier for it. Hopefully I won't get schooled for stopping the pill. And hopefully he won't find other, more serious causes for the hell.

Pooped!

I love love love having my brother and sister-in-law in town. We have great conversations. They get me out of the house. I have extra incentive to get home at a decent time. Eric has someone to run with. I get to COOK for more people. They clean the kitchen when we're done with dinner (extra bonus!). We go on day trips around the area that Eric and I always seem to be too busy to do. Plus, somehow the house is staying cleaner.

The one downside. I'm freakin' TIRED!

Devastated and Embarrassed

For the last few weeks I have been telling myself that I must remember to log onto TicketMaster.com on Sunday at 10am to buy a pair of tickets. Tickets to a show I don't know if I'm exactly embarrassed to want to go to, but I am embarrassed by the degree of my devastation.

So You Think You Can Dance is the first reality competition show that I have watched religiously and have become emotionally attached to these contestants. I never thought anything like this would happen. I actually cried when my favorite dancer was voted off. Sad... very Sad. I hang my head in shame. Perhaps its the hormones that made me more emotional, perhaps its my secret passed-up desire to be a dancer, or perhaps the producers of this show actually did a good job.

Very sadly, I forgot about the tickets until Sunday night, and the show sold out. Many are available for sale online for insane prices. (100-300% above face value)

The most embarrassing part of this sadness...I just spent about an hour considering how disappointed Eric would be in me if I were to pay the inflated price.

IM messages from my past

Right before going to bed, I noticed that my laptop was still on and wanted to shut it down before turning in for the night. I noticed there was an active IM window open, and it was full of messages. Messages from my high school boyfriend.

Very sadly, he was letting me know that his father passed away late last week, when the service is and that he had a message for me from his dad. He wanted me to know that I was a special part of his life and he wanted to make sure even though I had not been in contact with the family for many years.

James and I were not what I hope to be the classic high school couple. He was already out of school, and I was turning from a great student to a just making it by student. I started working too much, doing fewer and fewer sports and activities, and even less homework. My parents were not exactly giving up on me, but weren't really trying to keep me from getting into trouble. I don't know exactly what was going on in the grand scheme of things with my family, as I was being a teenager who was too focused on being what I thought was an adult, and trying to desperately get out of my parents home.

At one point, my father had enough of my lack of respect and kicked me out. James' family was there to take me in. I don't even think we were technically "together" at the time (I now know that our constant on again off again cycle was typical co-dependent behavior). I don't really remember everything that happened, but I know I felt safe and welcomed by James' family. When they were looking to buy a house, they started looking for 4 bedroom homes, and would let me pick out which room I liked. By this time I was back at home, but it was fun to dream.

His family was so incredibly different from mine. Yes, most men enjoy fishing and cars and all of those other manly activities, and I know my brother and father probably enjoy some of them, but I didn't really get much exposure to that at home. At James' house there was always talk of hunting and fishing, there was chewin' tobacco and cusing. More then once I came over to find a dead duck laying on the stoop, so full of shot that there was no point in plucking it. James and I would work on his various cars together, polishing, and changing out parts, and installing stereo systems, and discovering when the head gasket cracks on an old pick-up there is no point in trying to fix it. He taught me about computers inside and out, classic rock and metal bands, and introduced me to the world of D&D (don't worry, unlike some of James' friends he and I both left that world behind us).

James proposed when I was still in high school. It was romantic and a fantasy for a girl that was searching for love, acceptance, stability in a family and an escape from her current life. I don't think either of our parents thought we'd actually go through with the marriage, so they didn't really stepped in to give us their blessings or share their disappointment. I don't even recall if I even started any sort of planning. But it was fun to wear a pretty ring around school, but now I realize how much of the high school experience I missed because of it.

I grew a lot through those 5+ years when James was my world. I learned a lot about myself, and learned some hard but valuable life lessons. You never realize how much a person's part in your life has effected you until you look back.

James, your family will always hold a special place in my heart. I will always remember your father to be the one who taught me patience in the kitchen, how to cut a slit in the baloney so it doesn't curl up on you when you fry it, that Cosmic Cukes are a GREAT dill pickle and how to get the cream of wheat just right. He was a loving and caring man. He will be missed.

Math Genius

At my company we have an email distribution list called, "Funny". All of my "Funny" emails go into a folder automatically so I usually forget to check it. I can tell if there is something worth checking out because I'll start hearing belly laughes all around me.

I don't usually forward such emails, and I wouldn't dream of using this forum to share something that I'm sure has been passed around cyberspace a few times, but these images brought tears to my eyes and was such a pressure release that I'm sure someone else out there will enjoy them too.

Why can't we all just get along?

Red Alert.

Sigh.

Degrees of Separation

This afternoon I was looking for something to keep me from working, and no one on my blogroll had updated since my last moment of needing to avoid work. But today, almost everyone had gotten out a morning post so I had nothing to entertain me while I fought off the post lunch food-coma. So instead, I went to each blog anyway, to see if there were interesting new comments (I freakin love the interaction of the comments).

On a whim I surfed over to the blog of Amy who commented on a Gina's blog. I was immensely entertained by Amy's post about her dealings with her kids in the park that I had to surf to the blog of Melissa, who Amy noted in her post that I (being the reader) must go check out. As I was holding in my laughter from reading Melissa's blog, I thought how could I have not found these awesome writers before? So funny, so real, so well written. I must see who they read.

I checked out Melissa's blogroll, and there were a few links that came up different colors. Oh look she reads some of the same ones I have read. Huh? Wait, I've seen some of these names before. She reads Matt at Childsplayx2 along with some of the same blogs that are on his blogroll. Now Matt has the longest blogroll of anyone I know, but I'm in there, way down there in the Non-Mommy blogs section.

Me --> Gina --> Amy --> Melissa -->Matt --> Me

What is that? 4 degrees of separation? It's a circle. A circle I didn't know about. Isn't the blogosphere cool!

(yes I realize this post makes me sounds like a 13 year old girl that shops at Hot Topic... maybe I'll see Ted there!)

Searching for Hormonal Bliss

For more years that I care to mention, I have been taking chemicals to regulate and to prevent an unplanned pregnancy. Most of you would refer to these chemicals as "the pill", "birth control", or "necessity". I am currently calling it "I don't wanna take it but I fear of what will happen if I don't".

My doctor and I have been searching for the right one for the last few years. My changing physical and mental body have been making the search difficult to say the least. This last try has proven to be the worst of all. It has driven my emotional being crazy, and my physical self mad. Thank you to all of my friends who have listened to the details and the crying and have talked me through the last few months... oh hell, the last 5 years.

Eric and I have discussed and I am now off the pill.

Come on body! Remember what you are ment to do. You can do it!

Wish us luck.
(no, not baby luck, just surviving the hormonal craziness that may get better or worse).

Is that my man?

On Sunday our friends, A & A, invited us along with another couple to their friends' house to hang out and brew up some beer. A & A have this knack of meeting people at random events and locations and becoming great friends. This really amazes me, because I tend to only meet friends through other friends or work.

This new couple that we met, let's call them "Soon-to-Be Mr & Mrs Brew", are very into making homemade beer so they are making a special beer for their wedding favors. How cool are they! They put a lot of thought into the brew, making a complex, fruity, deep, rich, flavorful medium bodied dessert porter to be sipped. A lot of meaning and love was put into the creation of the recipe and the brew itself. Think chocolate, vanilla & cherry, with enough hops to cut the sweetness. We tried some of the test batch and it was really amazing.

So Mr & Mrs Brew are also really into music. They have a recoding studio set up with a drum set, keyboard, multiple guitars, a bass and everything is all mic'd up for recording. Eric's eyes lit up when we were touring their house. After the brew had started its brewin', all the musicians in the house started jammin'. I was outside and just heard them playing, having no idea who was doing what. When someone said to me, "Eric is great!". I responded with, "That's Eric? My Eric?"

After almost 6 years together, I had never heard him really play. He moved to CA with his acoustic, which he's played a little from time to time, but usually just trying to remember a song from college, never really playing all out. The acoustic has been in the closet for the last 2 years at least. He just bought an electric last week so he could jam with Ted, but when he's at home he never has the amp turned on without headphones, so I just hear the "ping ping ping" of the unamplified strings.

Although incredibly proud hearing his talent and having people be so impressed by him, I was also left with a feeling of, who is that guy? Do I know him? What else about him do I not know after these few years together?

I knew a few weeks ago when we first went into a Guitar Center together, that this was a part of his world that I was not going to be apart of, and it was uncomfortable. I know its healthy to have our own lives, and I certainly have mine but I have lived here all of my life. I have my friends, and my hobbies, and my work. Whereas, he moved here with only a small part of his world, most of his friends are my friends too, and I've been with him has he has grown his knowledge and love for his landscaping business. This guitar, rock band, thing? Totally foreign to me. He has been encouraging me to pick something up to be able to "jam" too so we can do it together, but it just feels like he needs to have something just for him.

I completely encouraged the buying of the guitar. I want him to have something in his life that is not related to work and will get him out of the house to hang out with friends without me. He is never able to stop working, because he is always thinking about plants and design, and invoicing, and money. He needs friends. He needs hobbies. He needs a life outside of me.

Argh, I hate when my head knows stuff, but my heart is so not listening.

Monday Blues

The joys of summer allergies! Or possibly some virus.

I came into the office WAY late today. I just couldn't get up when that alarm went off at 5am. Reset it for 6am. And then appartently turned it off. Around 9am I got up to email my boss that I'd be in late. (I usually am in by 7am).

Turns out half of my team or at least their SigOthers are feeling this exhaustion, not quite sick, but sneezing, feeling puffy, blowing the nose all the time thing. WEeeee!

Eventually I'll get out at least some pics of the weekend. Friends, Food, Fruit and Beer!

Weekend free of work

Today is so totally Friday!

Last week we were given a 5 day notice that we are expected to work on most Saturdays for the next couple of months, unless of course we have prior obligations that we can't get out of (or are about to drop from exhaustion and burn out). Before I was hired I already had plans for this weekend, and next weekend the team is scheduled a recovery weekend. So I have 2 full weekends coming up. The pressure is on, so I've been staying at work until about 8pm everyday except the night of my final. So this weekend feels like an extended holiday to me.

This has been one of those weeks where every morning I swear it must be the weekend by now, or at least Friday, hell I'd even take a Thursday. This is what happens when I have to work just one extra day. I'm so spoiled now. You'd never know I used to work 3 jobs and go to school at the same time. Good thing I only have to work on the weekends until November!

I'll try to not bitch too much over the next few months. I'll try really hard.

Dot, stop rolling your eyes! I mean it!

Let the summer eating fest begin!

My brother and sister-in-law are coming for a visit next week. They moved up to Victoria, BC a few years ago and I miss them desperately. We have almost always lived close to one another, and one activity that was at least a weekly standard was cooking fabulous meals together, or going out to eat.

My brother is a MEAT man, and my sister-in-law has been a semi-vegetarian ever since she lived in Mexico because the meat down there... not so clean. She found that the abundant, high quality and cheap veggies and seafood were far more appetizing. My Eric is a VEGGIE at heart, but does love his meat from time to time, so we cook lots of vegg in our house with a sampling of meat here and there. I miss being able to cook up big meat dishes, and BBQ and push them onto my brother. Now? We can't get through a tri-tip before having to toss it. With my brother... that baby would be gone in one sitting.

Next Wednesday they will start the drive south for a visit. They don't have a date they have to go home, so they are going to stay until they feel like leaving (how awesome is that!) He has to work, and she has a friend that just had a baby so she's going to help her out during the day. That means we're going out to eat or cooking a yummy meal almost every day for the next 2 weeks (of course unless they have plans or something).

I've been looking forward to this ever since they mentioned a possible trip a few months ago. In the back of my mind I have kept a running list of things we must do while they are here (note, it is all food related):

Places we will go out to eat:

• Korean BBQ - some place in Oakland we go to but never remember the name
• SUSHI - Yanagi Sushi, Concord
• Mediterranean - The Mediterranean, Concord
• Indian - Sargam Indian Cuisine, Walnut Creek
• Chinese Buffet - Buffet City, Concord
• The best Chinese food in NoCal - O'Mei's in Santa Cruz
• Napa - anywhere, its Napa... Everything is good!

Stuff I want to make:

• BBQ Pulled Pork
• Duck with a Cherry Gastric
  
• Grilled Salmon
• Steak & Scallops
• Some tasty pasta dishes
• Sourdough bread
• Pizza
• Eggs Benedict
• Cinnamon Rolls
• Apricot Cobbler
• Plum Tart
• Shortbread

Oh how I love having company! MMm Mmmm

I so didn't fail!

Yes this is a blatant patting myself on the back post which runs on longer then anyone cares, and by no means is it a plea for yipees, congratulations, hoorays, or the like.

Ok, I didn't exactly excel, but somehow I didn't fail my final.

There were only 5 people left enrolled in the class come the last night (might say something about the difficultly, or the teacher, or both), and one of the 5 had done so well that he didn't need to take the final. Disgusting really, as he works full time doing the shit we were learning and knew more up to date information then the instructor.

When I got the final I looked over the 3 pages. Decided that I might actually be able to pull this one off. 'Hold on tight! Here we go!'

I flew through the first 2 pages, leaving one question completely blank. There was no need to even consider it, I didn't know the answer. Then that last page. Oh, the evil page of questions that you actually have KNOW everything from the class to be able to pull these babies off. I answered some, and put down partial answers for the others just to see if I could scrape some sympathy points.

I don't know how but I was the first to turn it in. I asked if I could wait for it to be graded, so he pulls out his red pen.
Check
Check
Check
Dirty look - He calls me up to review the one I skipped, and when I say I didn't answer it on purpose, he rolls his eyes.
Check
Check
...
Scribble, Scribble (we're onto the last page here)

He motions for me to come back up. Oh my. 35.5 out of 40! That isn't' failing at all! Then I point out to him that he scored the whole last page incorrectly, they were worth 2 points each, not 1. Can I stab myself in the back any harder? He adjusts my score, but still didn't weigh them all 2 points so I only lost one additional point, but this time I let it slide. Maybe he was just being nice.

Phew! My summer can now begin. Am I taking a class in the Fall? HELL NO!


(Bringing back memories anyone?)

Whine Whine Whine

Look out people... I am cranky and whiney today (ok I have been for a few weeks, and it was peaking yesterday but I tried to contain it until I unleashed it out onto J. I'm Sorry J!) .

I'm burnt. I don't wanna do anything. On Sunday in an attempt to not study, I even booted up my beloved SIMs and was bored with them within 2 minutes. Why do I want to make these computer "people" do stuff if I can't even seem to do anything myself right now. I'm a lump. A lump on a log. I'm tired, and I do nothing about it.

Exercise will make ya feel better!
Yea, I know. But that would require me to leave the couch, and I'm really really good at making excuses.

Meditate!
Uh Huh. I know it totally works for me, and even better if I combine it with exercise and do me some good yoga.

But alas, reading blogs, whining about my bum-ness, watching ill produced TV shows, looking at catalogs which I will never buy anything out of, sitting in a car for my long ass commute, then sitting in a very "neutral" cloth covered cubicle with barely a glimpse of the outside world, avoiding studying for a class I have lost interest in (which finally ends tonight), takes up so much of my day that I hardly have time to take care of myself. Thank goodness I can fail my final tonight so I can be done with that class.

As my darling friend over at Autumn's Mom reminds me, "tomorrow is another day". Perhaps I will turn myself around this month, my birthday month (oh GOD, not another birthday to remind me of my failure of "the Plan"). Wait a minute, there can be no perhaps. I will. I must.