Cherry Extract

Testing Testing

2012-01-31T09:42:00.001-08:00

This is a test to see if this thing is still alive and kicking because I have been missing the blog. Missing writing. Missing reflecting. Missing remembering! And darn it, I miss my peeps too. I'm tired of just lurking. I'm ready to participate again.

Happy Holidays from Us!

2010-12-12T12:39:00.000-08:00

Just had to share this cuteness!
Happy Holidays everyone!

Mod Ornaments Holiday Card

Create modern holiday cards at Shutterfly

View the entire collection of cards.

Yay me!

2010-12-02T20:56:00.001-08:00

Ever step into the elevator on the top floor of a building and see your keys fall from your hand in slow motion, and then be forced to stand there listening for them to hit the ground, But you have to stand there listening for what feels like forever because you are having to wait for them to fall several stories down because you are the lucky winner of the drop your keys right in the crack of the elevator threshold game?

I have. Tonight. Lucky me!

the next day Update - The Elevator repair company came out this morning and retrieved my keys. I really don't want to know how much I just cost the company for a 5 minute service call.
Thankfully people were still in the building so I caught a ride home last night, and I live close enough to work so I enjoyed a lovely stroll into the office this morning.

A SAHD's first venture into preparing dinner

2010-11-24T16:39:00.000-08:00

So last night my husband wanted to cook us a yummy dinner as part of his new SAHD responsibilities. He called me at work to find out what time I'd like dinner to be ready ideally. He's still new to the world of multitasking which cooking a multi-dish dinner takes... ok so he's still new to cooking in a timely manner in general but that's not the point I'm trying to make. Takes practice you know. Throw in learning constant new tricks to take care of a quickly growing baby and you've got a good time.

The dinner turned out awesome, even if we did have to reheat it in the microwave since SOMEONE wouldn't stay asleep long enough for us to sit down to eat and we ate around 10:30pm, but again, not the point I wanted to make.

He put his sights on making brussels sprouts, mashed potatoes and lamb chops. The Brussels sprouts were roasty and not at all bitter. They were pan roasted with BACON FAT, bits of crispy bacon and caramelized onions. This was more of a holiday kind of dish and yes I think I'll ask him to make them for Thanksgiving this week. He seared off the lamb chops in the cast iron pan, and they came out a little (very) rare. Practice... he needs more practice. But then comes the mashed potatoes....
We were out of butter, or at least enough to REALLY make mashed potatoes so he substituted cream cheese. I love him.
THAT's THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE.
That is all.

Back to Work

2010-11-08T13:22:00.000-08:00

While being back at work doesn't mean I automatically will have time for blogging you know since I'm WORKING, but I would like to start jotting down little bits and pieces more often and I hope being in front of a computer most of the day will give me the opportunity better than when I was on leave and very rarely sat down at all unless there was a baby attached to me boob (Arrrrrg - sometimes the pirate just has to come out).

I've been back at work for a week and a half now and that first week wasn't so bad. It was sort of like a little break from the all day long baby care of the last 6 months. I enjoyed having somewhere to go, a reason to shower and get dressed and to get out of the house. Eric is home with LilMiss so he's getting to learn some new daddy tricks and getting more comfortable with his role as the primary care giver, but I think he misses the freedom he had while I was home.

I have been going home to feed her at noon when my schedule permits, and there were a few days Eric brought her to me after her afternoon nap. Those were nice little breaks but I don't foresee them continuing long term. I also took a day off last week as she had her 6 month appointment (HOW IS SHE ALREADY 6 MONTHS OLD?) so really it felt like I had a short week.

Today though. Today was hard to leave her. I had the total Sunday blues last night where I just wanted to hold and cuddle her as I didn't feel I got enough during the weekend. Plus, I'm really really tired. Between getting shots last week and the time change this weekend, and she's doing this new thing at night where she goes to sleep easy but wakes up frequently for the first four hours wanting to be held and cuddled and really, anything but be put back into her bed. She has been sleeping in our bed more in the last week than ever before. Not really the trend I want to start especially since I am planning on transitioning her to her own room and crib really really soon.

So I guess this is my new life. The life of a working mom, a bread winner, an always tired, never enough time woman who's just going to have to let go of the word "perfect".

tee hee - I just called myself both a mom and a woman. I all growed.

Crying Over Burnt Milk

2010-10-12T22:18:00.001-07:00

I just burnt 3 cups of milk because I just HAD to go look at the Internet while I was doing my nightly scalding which I know only takes minutes and I should never even walk away from the stove.

I know I should let it go, but I just can't.

Eric had to throw it out for me as I couldn't bare the thought.

Do you see what my life has become? Milk milk milk, poop, milk.

Oh, and since I must live up to the mommy blogger status that I am trying to maintain, we have had our first turds. I know, you're so glad you know that.

Coming soon... Sleep Training. Why are we doing this again?

Sorry Earth

2010-10-09T05:10:00.000-07:00

Back when we were trying to get pregnant I became a little obsessed with researching cloth diapering. I picked out the diapers I wanted to use, it became a factor when we were searching for a house/apt rental, and I convinced my husband that we should give it a try. He's the earth loving type and was willing to do whatever I thought was best, I had done the research!

Then my mom's singing group gifted us a WHOLE YEAR of cloth diapering service. Now, I was a little taken back because it caused me to rethink things because it meant doing cloth diapering a different way than I had planned. I'm not a really quick to accept a change in my expectations, so it took me a while to accept such an awesome gift. You see, I wanted to use pocket diapers ($$$ and fancy as all heck) but the diaper service pretty much forces you to use flat pre-folds and diaper covers. I LOVE the cute diaper covers, so I convinced myself to give it a try since hello! Awesome gift! Plus, one of my good girlfriends used the same service and she raved about it and loaned us her newborn diaper covers while we gave it a try.

Then we had the baby. A teeny tiny baby (well teeny to me) . She came home wearing Pamper Swaddlers Preemie size. So, so tiny. I wish I had thought to keep one. We decided to wait on the cloth because they were HUGE on her and I'd have to buy all new covers so we kept using the glorious Pampers Swaddlers. GLORIOUS I TELL YOU!

When the wee one was big enough, we started using the cloth. She had some fairly caustic poops for her sensitive bum and would end up with horror of all horrors in rashes every day we used cloth. She was getting changed 1-2 times an hour and yet still the rashes were causing my baby to cry each time we walked to the changing pad. So we went back to using disposables whenever there was a rash because they soaked up the Breastmilk poo so well it kept her pretty darn dry. I know this is the opposite of what "they" say, but that's how it worked for us.

It's been a couple of months of cloth when at home and disposables when out for more than an hour and overnight. It's been working well. We've gotten very good at folding the diaper so her monstrous poops stay contained. Most poop leaks have actually been when using disposables. (yes, i'm talking poop on my blog... I'm a mommy now, it comes with the territory, deal). However it's time to move up in diaper sizes, buy new covers and she's getting more and more squirmy, and the big kicker... Eric is going to stay home with her during the day and he favors the convenience of the disposables (and I don't think he liked that I asked him to dunk and swish poopy diapers in the toilet to cut back on the.... smell).

The thing is, we learned the greatness that is the disposable diaper. Yes, landfill bad. Yes, resources to make bad. Yes, awesome gel is questionable to babies health. But also, cloth diapers aren't really all bright and shiny for the environment either and the parent happiness is a factor. In my opinion cloth is still better, but the convenience of the amazing absorption and super dryness of the glorious Swaddlers has won over her daddy and I'm choosing to let this one go.

I'll have to tell my mom today that she'll stop getting the diaper bill soon. I hope she doesn't feel it's turning down the awesome gift, because it's been great. I just think, for us, right now, we're gonna try something different.

(yes, I'm writing this to convince myself of this decision)

Mmmm Milk

2010-10-07T15:14:00.000-07:00

The most unnatural thing I did today was to grab my pump while my baby was crying that she was hungry and I headed into our home office.

My frozen milk stash has grown. Grown to over 400 ounces (I stopped keeping track) It was hard earned and took many hours of lost sleep to obtain. When I was so obsessed with pumping, I was thinking I was building and protecting my milk production because my LilMiss was tiny (TMI - or I'm err uhh large?) and we both had a hard time with breastfeeding and as a bonus I was growing this stash of awesome milk for my baby to use when we started solids, or when I went back to work or in case of emergency or illness, so I thought it was a necessary evil but it was for the good of the baby and you'd do just about do anything for them. But a few things have happened since we started down this road:

#1 - I have a little bit of oversupply now so I HAVE to pump at least once a day usually 2-3x though since I haven't gone back to work yet and LilMiss isn't needing the extra I produce at the moment which is why the freezer stash grows an average of 6 ounces a day.

#2 - I have discovered I have an issue with excess lipase in my milk. Lipase is an enzyme which breaks down the milk fat to ease digestion for the baby. However at times I have produced too much of this enzyme so it causes my stored milk (even while frozen) to turn a little, and sometimes a lot, funky. Ok fine, it's worse than funky, it tastes and smells of fish. Sweet fish, but still fish. Yea, gross I know. The degree of smell/taste change seems to be totally variable as I've thawed out some from different times that smelled a little different than fresh and some that were outright gross to my nose. They say this milk is still perfectly fine to give to the baby if they accept the taste/smell change. Luckily LilMiss seems to still take it just fine in a bottle but I have opted not to use it when making her cereal and thinning out her purees as I don't want her to think all her food has this same fishy taste.

Since I've discovered this (MONTHS LATER), every night I scald the milk which I'm going to store and not use within a day. The scalding process stops the enzyme but also kills off some of the beneficial elements of the milk. Not all, but some. Since I haven't returned to work yet (3 more weeks), I am freezing almost everything I pump. I have been freezing in 4 and 2 ounce bags, so if there is any over that then I save it for the next days cereal.

Frankly I feel lucky I only have to do the whole scalding process once a day. Some women's milk gets the funk on within minutes or hours of pumping. I seem to have a little over 24 hours though I haven't time tested it lately.

#3 - The earliest milk in the stash has hit the 3-4 month freezer expiration, so even though I haven't returned to work (WHOA IS ME! I GO BACK IN 3 WEEKS) we don't really need to give her a bottle at all but I don't want to throw out this milk. So this brings us to me pumping even though we're together.

Eric is now giving her a bottle in the afternoon from the freezer stash and I pump to maintain my supply and replace the milk in the stash on the other end of the date range. Realistically, this would be the time he would be giving her a bottle when I'm back at work so it seems to make sense. Sure he could give her this freezer stash bottle at night, but I actually cherish that time I have with her and when I'm at work, her nighttime feeding(s) will be a special time I still get with her (so I say now while I can still nap and sleep in late. I might feel differently when I'm expected to be able to think at 3 in the afternoon instead of nap).

#4 - Our fridge freezer filled up with milk a few months ago, um yea.. that's a lot of milk, so we went out and bought a manual defrosting chest freezer. Milk primarily stored in this type of freezer can be held for 6-12 months! I don't know how long I'll be able to keep up this whole pumping thing, and I've heard way too many stories of moms not being able to keep up with the demand once they are back at work or just have voraciously hungry babies or both. So maybe this freezer stash will help keep us in booby milk for her as long as we can, preferable to her first birthday. It's perfectly fine if it doesn't but might as well give it a shot.

I knew you were all dying to know what's going on with Cherry and her boobies, so that's the current story. I'm not a die hard breastfeeding maniac at all, to each her own. I feel lucky it worked out for us and honestly I have enjoyed this time with her even though, yes, it does still hurt just not as bad as those excruciating first 2 months where the sleep deprived state put me in a terrible place to deal with such pain and frustration. Plus, it's pretty darn convenient when we are out of the house a little longer than we had planned and she gets hungry.
Why look.. I have a little snack for you right her darling. nom nom nom.

The Best Vacation Ever

2010-09-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

Uh Hi there! Yea, yea I am still alive. And all is well around these parts.

This week I started back at work. Well sort of. After being on Maternity leave since April 12th, it was actually kinda nice to be back in the office, sitting at a desk, and catching up with co-workers. I wasn't really doing much work work, more busy work as most people didn't know I was there and I was mostly there to get adminy things accomplished, like updating passwords, getting access back to systems, setting up my laptop which died while I was on leave and submitting for a 5 week vacation.

Yea, that's right, 5 weeks. I have taken the disability and bonding leaves supported by the lovely state of California which paid out some monies for part of that time and protected my job, but now I'm back but have 6 weeks of time off accrued so I'm going to take some of that to tack onto the end of my leave to extend this precious time with my growing up way too fast baby girl.

I had been accruing vacation time and saving it for just this reason for years. Each time I'd hit the ceiling of how much they let us accrue, I'd be reminded that I didn't have a baby yet. But finally, I got to sit down and sign into the HR system thingy and submit my request for a whole lot of time off. It felt weird. It felt wrong. I thought, I could come back earlier and save more of this time. I'm stingy with my vacation time because it always costs money to go on vacation, money I didn't really have, and I always wanted to be able to have this chunk of time to take when I had a baby. And here I am. with a baby. so day by day I asked for 8 hours off. It was pretty much awesome.

We might go away for some of it. We might not. We might take day trips. We might just stay home and stare in awe at our little miracle and repeatedly say, "did you see what she just did?" as she learns and explores the world around her.

I'm very grateful I have had this time with her. I don't know if going back to the corporate world later will be easier or harder than if I went back after the 8 week disability leave, but I don't really want to think about that right now because today, right now, will never come again and I'm loving just being in love with my baby.

When the Baby naps...

2010-09-10T17:12:00.001-07:00

The baby is starting to wake up from a 2.5 hour nap. You'd think this means I got some crap done around the house, right?

Well I try to lay down with her for the afternoon nap because it seems to make her sleep longer. As in her usual 20-30 minute nap turns magically into 2+ hours. And these long nap days usually coincide with easy put to bed nights. Plus, I'm going back to work soon so these opportunities are limited so I gotta get'em while the gettin's good.

So great! You got in a nap too. Don't you feel better? Stop rubbing it in! - you might say.

But alas, I think I looked at my phone for the whole time. Twitter, Facebook, reading and re-reading blog posts and articles, BPA Free teething toy research, talking to lovey while he looks at BPA Free chewy things at the store.

However, even though I didn't sleep, I still feel a little refreshed. Wonder if my lovey made dinner? Maybe he got the tea stains out of the kitchen sink from his mother's recent visit. (I'll answer that now before I even leave the bedroom -- no and no)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

DATE NIGHT!

2010-09-03T21:11:00.000-07:00

My Mother-in-Law is visiting for a week. She hasn't been here since the wee little baby was a month old. She stayed with us for 3 weeks back then and has been itching to come back out since before she left.

Tonight, kind of spur of the moment, we decided to go out on a date night while MIL watched the baby. LilMiss has started taking a long nap later in the evening (which I know everyone advices against but its what her little clock is doing, so we're going with it) so about half way through we got ready and headed out.

We went to one of those Brazilian steakhouses where they come around to the tables with meat on swords and they cut off pieces for you as you want it. There was a little salad bar/veggie buffet thing, you know to make it a round meal, but that's not why people go to these places. We were there for the meat, and for the most part the meat was GOOD!

Sure, we talked about parenty type stuff the whole time, a little family gossip, a little "wonder if I've pissed off my friends with unsolicited advice" talk, a little "are we on the same page?" talk, and a little "I really appreciate you" talk. It was great. The bulk of the talk was around co-sleeping and how to make that work and for how long. Questions like... how might a couple have more kids in that situation, if you know what I mean!

We got home to a fairly happy baby girl who took a bottle well, and had slept for another hour after we left (although woke up screaming which isn't normal for her), and was on the floor with Grammy playing on her tummy (did I mention she's rolling now, ALL THE TIME, like won't stay on her back for anything). Of course now she is fighting with all her might against daddy because she's sleepy but you know, she's a fighter! And me, I just pumped a ton because baby got a bottle and mama was uncomfortable.

Oh, I hear the daddy walking this way with a bounce in his step and going "shhhhh". She's asleep but refusing to be put down. See, she knows we left her and she's not letting us do that again! :-)
I guess I'm off to get ready for bed. I have a feeling someone will be sleeping with me all night and I'm totally ok with that.

Middle of the Night Bitterness

2010-08-26T03:01:00.000-07:00

Been up for what feels like hours and I'm really tired and I have things in my head that want out, but my wrists are freakin' killing me. It's awesome.

Tonight I woke up with a bitterness I can feel in my back, in my gut, I think maybe even in my feet. I don't know where or who or why but it's there. I am deciding I'm just tired. Really really tired. And I should likely fight the urge to wake up my husband right now and say the words in my head because I think it would go over poorly. I am in such a general irritated state that I might feel the need to tell him the shower needs to be scrubbed right now at 3am or throw a fit about how he moves his feet in his sleep and its making a racket. Yea, maybe not the best move.

I have this feeling I need to take a few days off. I don't know what I'm taking them off from since I'm still on leave from the kind of work that pays US dollars, and I cannot take time off from my new mommy job, or my wifey job, or my moo job (breastfeeding/pumping), or my worry about money job or my clean the house job or my get ready for MIL's visit next week job... oh wait. YES I CAN! I can take some time off of some of those jobs. Or maybe I just need a day or an afternoon, or maybe an hour.

So much irritation needing out. Can't hold it in. Must let a little out...

I hate that my leave is more gone than left to live.
I want to travel and to spend time out of this rented house I do not feel at home in which costs more than I wish we were paying, and is a mess and full of crap, our crap which we moved here and it spilled all over the place.
I want to see family.
I want to see friends.
I want to also not see family and friends and to be with my husband and my daughter somewhere other than here, experiencing something new.
I want to not be worrying about the money it will cost to do such things.
I want daycare to be figured out.
I want to pick out a flippin' stroller so I can stop researching them and start taking walks while I still have the days free to do so.
I want to feel like I don't have to hold my tummy in anymore and it returns to a better than its pre-pregnancy state without me actually having to do anything.
I want to stop pumping all the time and yet have a freezer stash so big we need more freezers to hold it and I wouldn't cry if one of the freezers gave out.
I want to not worry about the one freezer giving out.
I want the go with the flow person I was a few months ago to come back because the worrier I was before I got pregnant has totally moved back in and I think I don't need that right now.
I want the weather to not be so hot we can't sleep and not so cold the heater is on daily, but this summer here in this place isn't working out like that.
I want my daughter to sleep.
I want to sleep without pain.
I just want to sleep.

My moo time is done now (not much in the bottle though likely due to the lack of sleep and irritation) so I'm going to go sleep now... maybe... if my daughter is sleeping without flailing about and my husband isn't making so much noise with his feet rubbing on the sheets or his snoring or his knee cracking....

Post! I want to Post already!

2010-08-10T08:01:00.000-07:00

I get up just about every morning, sometimes when it's still dark out, and I slip away from LilMiss to go.... well honestly, pump so I can breath again and because I really want an excuse to buy a new freezer. Sometimes I sit in the dark with the kitties who miss their mama but mostly I come sit here, in front of the glowing Internets and read or write or edit/weed through the hundreds of photos I've taken the day before.

So you note up there that I said 'write'. Yes, I've been writing. Writing posts for this here blog. But wait, you haven't seen much posting going down. That's because no sane, organized writing flows from these fingers, and most never get finished before someone wakes up. Not that my posts were masterpieces before, but I read them and they are just blabbering nonsensical whining so they sit in my list of unpublished posts for another day.

I am finally one of the many. I am a mommy. I used to be a blogger. And while the world of blogging isn't as forefront to my day as it once was, I'd like to finally say I'm a freakin' Mommy Blogger! I don't' know why, I've just been wanting this for so many years and damn it, it's my time to talk about poop!

So here goes. I'm going to post this here morning's masterpiece and then go back to bed because my baby sleeps until 11am. It's how we roll.

Sleep, where for art thou?

2010-07-30T10:32:00.001-07:00

I'd like to start this post by noting that I'm writing it from my phone because LilMiss decided to fall back to sleep after a very cute and giggly "good morning" and she's in my bed, and Eric went to run an errand so I can't leave the room now because what if she decides she is going to roll over right now? Sigh

To start, when I was pregnant, Eric decided we should co-sleep, what? Most the world's cultures do it! This wasn't my plan as it wasn't what I was familiar with, plus I knew I'd be the one going back to work so I was all about the crib...In her own room... ASAP.

Then we agreed to using a co-sleeper bassinet or a pack'n'play in our room for an unagreed to length of time. I just asked that we revisit the topic occasionally as time passes.
This is all while she's still cooking.

We get home from the hospital after a very brief stay there considering I had a C-Section and she's sleeping in the co-sleeper just fine. She's tiny(5lbs), and sleepy so we are waking her to feed her around the clock.

Fast forward to a few weeks later and suddenly she won't sleep unless she's being held. I blamed the MIL visiting and holding her ALL DAY, but then decided it's just a phase. I started laying down and nursing her to sleep and we'd move her once she was deeply asleep, but this would only work for the first 4 hours. After that she seemed to want to nurse every hour so I started keeping her with me in bed. And now...against what I had planned...we are co-sleeping in our bed all the time.
And naps? In arms. Can't be put down.
I kind of love it though but it's getting to be exhausting.

We're at 3 months today, and a month ago her Dr said we might want to consider some sleep training by 4 months and I didn't even tell him about how she won't sleep out of arms at all, just that we don't put her down until she's totally asleep. He's a fan of putting them down drousy.

We were just doing what worked so we could all get some sleep. She just sleeps so soundly and hard when she's with me versus moving and kicking and waking herself up when she's alone. Plus, now I find I miss her and our time if she does successfully sleep in the bassinet.

So what to do?

We haven't been consistant with bedtime routines because she is generally so sleepy she fights us and going to sleep unless I lay down so no point in saying we are going to do a bath and story if she's just tired and crying for the boob. She doesn't seem to go to sleep soundly until about 10pm and doesn't really wake up until 10am, but he'll she takes her longest nap late in the afternoon so is she really ready for bed then?
So I guess we need to start everything earlier?
That means when I go back to work, by the time I get home she will be already starting her bedtime routine? THAT F-ing blows!!

I've been reading some methods and have asked Eric to read some too because he needs to be all in on this and not me just telling him how it's going down because that never works out well for anyone.

Why can't she just tell me what to do?
What did you all do with your kids?

Ahh. Some giggle smiley baby is staring up at me. I must go chew on her now.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Post about Posts

2010-07-26T00:19:00.000-07:00

I have so many posts floating around in my head but so little time to type them out so here are a few topics I wish to touch on in upcoming posts (you'll note a new theme to my posts by the way...):

Breastfeeding and my obsession with milk production - Moo
Cloth Diapering - why am I doing this again?
Baby Journals - Did you do one?
Milk Production - pumping all the time, pumping all the time (sung to My Girl likes to Party all the time)
Precious time - Me or the Baby
Boobies - No baby, look at Mommy's eyes!
Milk Storage
Co-Sleeping
Which came first the cookies or the milk? Cookies for Milk Production
What do you really call them? - Nicknames
Boobies
Milk Stash
Why won't you sleep baby?
Making baby food
Missing Home
Going back to work
Daddy Daycare
#2?
Carpal Tunnel doesn't go away
Left handed Bejeweled, Right boobed feeding
Boobies - how often can we say 'Boobies' in this house in a day?
Thinking of buying a freezer to put in the garage for milk
BOOBIES!

Did I mention I'm obsessed with Milk Production?
I used to be obsessed with my eye brows.

Alone Time

2010-07-16T00:56:00.000-07:00

Hi!
It's almost 1am and I'm awake and alone and I think I like it for the moment.

LilMiss is sleeping..sorta.. I think... I keep hearing little noises on the receiver who's transceiver is pointed at the co-sleeper thingy next to my bed while I'm on the other side of the house AT A COMPUTER (which has only happened a handful of times in the last 2.75 months, 90% of those times during this week). The monitor system doesn't work well in this house which must have lead in the walls or something because our wireless network also have VERY limited range, so the receiver is only about 30 feet from its mate and it still has interference, but I turn up the volume so I can still hear whats going on in there since I closed the door. Thankfully the house is small.

Eric is sleeping in the baby's room which is kinda funny if you think about it as she's in our room. There is a twin bed in there and he has to work in the field tomorrow so I told him to just sleep the whole night in there, but that he should expect to sleep less this weekend. :-) Usually if he has to work in the field, he sleeps the first half of the night (2-4 hours) in our room and then helps with her first feeding (changing her diaper while I pee, gets me water or anything I need, then hopefully puts her back to bed), and then if she doesn't appear to be going back to sleep right away then he'll move over to her room to get a few more solid hours. He's the pro at putting her back in the co-sleeper as she just won't do it for me 75% of the time, so I may regret my generosity.

Then why am I here you ask?
Yes I am tired, and yes this keyboard is causing twinges in my elbows and wrists, but I miss you guys! So I went through my reader and admiringly skimmed through your blogs and I might sorta be caught up a little. I even commented here and there but not many so I apologize if you didn't feel the love. I've rediscovered the feed reader on my iPhone, so I may remember I can read blogs while feeding her and stuff, but commenting may be more difficult. And here I was limiting myself to staring and refreshing Facebook and Twitter over and over again in an effort to remain connected to the outside world. Silly me.

I shall go fold a load of laundry now and then turn in. Wish me luck in not waking her up! Maybe tonight will be another 7 hourer. too bad I've already blown almost 4 hours. (inside voice - HOLY CRAP! I'M DUMB! Screw the laundry)

STOP IT!

2010-07-14T12:51:00.001-07:00

Today the straps on the car seat were moved up a notch. Sigh.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Swapping

2010-07-12T22:24:00.001-07:00

I have two piles of baby clothes on a shelf in Lil'Miss' closet getting ready to be packed up for storage.

One is full of gifted or hand me downs which I have come to the conclusion that she will never wear as they are not at all her shape. She is a long slim baby, 37% for height and 1% for weight, and apparently a lot of clothes are made for short round babies. I finally pulled these clothes out of her dresser as I got tired of digging around them. She pretty much wears Carter's clothing everday as they seem to fit her perfectly, although her jammies are getting too short in the arms and legs but still loose in the middle.

Then, this week I have begun a pile of clothes that are already too small for my Lil'Miss. I had pulled out the preemie clothes that were way tiny a while ago, but now even the larger of the wee clothes don't fit lengthwise. Then yesterday I started swapping out some newborn clothes for 0-3 month clothes. Only one brand so far (Gerber). I do hope she'll get to wear all of the cute 0-3mo summer outfits but it's looking unlikely.

Part of me hurts doing this size swapping thing as it is happening so fast but the part of me that enjoys dressing her up is excited as the clothing possibilities open.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Snuggly Mama

2010-07-11T22:23:00.001-07:00

My Lil'Miss has taken to sleeping on Mama. Daytime naps, nighttime sleeping it doesn't matter as long as she's on the mama. While I love the cuddles and kissing her sweet head, I kinda wish I could put her down successfully at least occassionally. Like now for instance. I was raring to go scrub the office floor of cat litter and pee since the cats have found a new way to show thier jealousy by peeing on her activity mat I keep in there. But alas, I must sit on the couch all warm and snuggly.

While being a snuggly Mama is rewarding, it's also sweaty, tiring work. Hot baby=sweaty. And tiring because, well warning to anyone who hasn't cared for a newborn, they don't get the memo that "sleeping like a baby" means calm, still, quiet, deep sleep. At least not this baby, so I don't really get
much sleep myself. And crazily I'm not napping right now while everyone else is in this house is on this bright Sunday afternoon.
I'm just not sleepy but I'm sure i will be right as everyone is waking up. It's how it usually goes.

I know this is just a phase and I'll want to be able to return to this time down the road when her head looses that sweet baby smell or when she won't let me kiss her all over anymore so I'm not meaning to complain. Just sometimes a little time sans baby might be nice.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Random thoughts which come up while trapped by a baby nap

2010-07-05T16:57:00.001-07:00

How does one untangle from a sleeping baby without waking them up?

Why must farting wake up the baby? Her's not mine.

Why will she only sleep well when on or cuddled into me? Not totally complaining at this point in time because she's cute and cuddly but I foresee this might be a problem in the future... Like in 5 minutes when I just can't hold it anymore.

Man I'm glad I could reach my phone with my toes! Too bad my glass of water is out of reach...or maybe that's a good thing.

So much for running errands today. Dinner of frozen or canned food products might be ok. At least there are organic Strawberries from the farmers market trip yesterday. Or maybe I can whip up a cheese and salami sandwich. See, totally don't HAVE to go to the store.

Crap, there keeps being things I need to add to my Costco and Grocery lists but I never remember when I have a moment to jot them down.

Last weeks shots totally threw off our night=deep sleep routine. She was just too fussy. And then the 2 nights of fireworks killed 2 more nights. And today's long nap isn't going to help. At least I got in a few hours of a nap too which will dramatically help me cope with the current sleeping issues.

No kitty. Don't step on the baby. How do I explain to you why it's ok to step on me but not her?

I think she has eczema on her ear. The skin flakes off.

Ok. Five minutes up. Sorry baby. Mama's don't wear diapers.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My new morning

2010-07-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

I got up this morning to find Scout Ants in the kitchen. Of course I shall choose to blame the fact that no one did the dishes yesterday, but I'm sure that's just a coincidence. So I spent my precious baby free morning hour cleaning and scrubbing the kitchen (Eric usually cuddles/naps with the baby on mornings he doesn't work until she decides eating again would be more fun)
After the ants appeared gone I then scrubbed the floor, then the garbage can and then sure why not the stove/oven too.
Of course my wrists are killing me all the while but my need for clean was too great.

Now I have again nursed the baby and am pumping my foot on the baby bouncy seat to get this little one to sleep long enough for me to eat some breakfast hopefully before lunch time. I made oatmeal on my clean stove about 2 hours ago. Mmmm

Wish me luck on the eating. It's my toughest daily challenge (oh and Eric has totally already showered and is back taking ANOTHER nap and it's not even 11am yet as I sit hear in my bathrobe ...sheesh)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Work distraction

2010-06-28T18:07:00.001-07:00

Today I went to the East Bay for a doctor appointment and decided to drop in on my friend Jules for a brief visit and maybe lunch. Instead I bugged her all day long.... Babies make for a good distraction from work.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Growth Spurt

2010-06-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

We clearly just went through a growth spurt and I need not worry about my milk supply at the moment (which I obsess about). I weighed her early last week and she was 6lbs 12oz and today she is 8lbs 12oz.

We may actually get out of newborn clothes and into 0-3month clothes before she's 3 months old!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Micro posting

2010-06-24T20:28:00.001-07:00

Real quick on the updates....
Had a baby.
Its a girl.
She's tiny and perfect but growing and changing so fast.
Breastfeeding has taken over my life so thankfully I'm taking the max leave time we can afford.

I have found I miss the blogging world but I have zero time for reading or writing, and my todo list of things I actually HAVE to get done only grows (bills, pleasing the grandparents with photos, eating, etc) so my brother suggested I write micro posts from my phone when I can. So let's try it.

I dunno about it because I blog for the community and if I don't have time to put into it then maybe I just shouldn't try. But then again, maybe these micro posts will keep me a little connected until I figure out how to migrate my former life into my mommy life.

Who bets I'll give up within a week?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

What getting ready for baby means to me...

2010-04-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

So I think I need to explain my situation a little bit.... and maybe vent a tad.

My house is trashed. We moved over a month and a half ago and there are boxes everywhere. I'm not exaggerating. They are everywhere. I trip over them all the time and they are stacked 2-4 high, and on every flat surface. And within the last week, more appeared full of hand-me-down baby stuff which I just pushed into the baby room to make go away for the time being. This house is not functional as is and we've just been making due.

We were not able to even start unpacking for weeks as we thought we had lead paint in the kitchen and bathrooms and well, everywhere so we had to fight with the landlord for a while until he agreed to get a lead risk assessment done. Turns out everything is at ok levels, but we had already lost that momentum of moving and had begun living with just the bare essentials found in the essential boxes and just walking around the others. Once you start living out of boxes, it's much easier to keep living out of boxes. It's kinda like vacation where you have your essentials with you and you just make due. Add to that the fact that I've been exhausted and worked 12-14 hour days since we moved in, and this is the first few days to do anything else in my life.

We eat out every night or get take out because the kitchen... not functional. Much to still unpack and to figure out what we need to get to make it more functional. Sure we can make toast and eat cereal and we've managed to make rice and oatmeal, and a salad or two, but actual cooking can't quite happen in there yet... again, too many boxes in the way, stuff on the counter which doesn't have a home, and in general the layout sucks to begin with.

Then there is the old/grime factor. We moved into a 50's foreclosure property which was purchased to be rented out. Our landlord did the minimum needed and that minimum is gross to most people's standards. We had THOUGHT he would have it cleaned before we moved in, but NO he didn't. Liz came over the day we moved in and scrubbed a lot and there was still so much more scrubbing to be done. I won't even go into the state of the yard because I have little problem letting that go before the baby comes, but the mold, and the stains, and the just general grossness.... that all needs to be taken care of.

Some things are beyond repair or elbow grease. Some things need more elbow grease than my wrists will allow. And some I'm going to scrub the hell out of no matter how much it hurts me because I cannot continue to live with mold and grossness. For example, tonight I purchased some fairly caustic cleaning products (which I probably shouldn't be using in my current state but oh well), some rubber gloves, and good ol' Mr Clean Magic Erasers. We generally use very "green" cleaning solutions like vinegar, H2O2, and Baking Soda, but this place is beyond those products. My toilets are now white. I am opting not to tell you their prior state, but I no longer gag when I take a bath where I am at an angle where I can see under the rim (not that the stains were only under the rim). Again... NOT EXAGGERATING!

To add to the fun, Eric and I are clutter leavers. Have a space, crap will fill it. We do not have a dishwasher, and we (Eric) do not have a habit or see the point of cleaning the dishes every night (or the counter, or the wipe out the microwave when something explodes, or hell closing a drawer after its been opened). We don't have good homes for the crap and some feel that an adequate home for crap is shoving it into a drawer, or box, or cabinet, so you just end up with crap drawers and cabinets and crap full of crap. Sure I can't change all of that now, but some of the crap needs to go and now is the only time I will have in the next year to deal with it. Sure this stuff is lower priority, but this week I needed to find some of MY crap which had been unpacked into the crap places full of crap because important papers got mixed in.

Sure, I am embarrassed that we will be having guests stay with us, so some of this motivation to get our own shit together prior to the baby's stuff has something to do with that. But mostly, once the baby is here, all of the boxes, the mold, the gross, the crap will not be taken care of. This house is not clean and not in a state to bring a baby into. And I won't even go into the fact that we are expecting guests and we still do not own a guest bed.... just one more thing on the list of things to figure out.

Baby's don't need a lot of stuff. Some diapers, some clothes, my boobs and a place to sleep. We have that. There is no point in going through the bags and bags of hand-me-down and new clothes now, because if I wash them, I have no place to put them yet so no point in washing. Another thing of the list.... baby's dresser or some sort of closet organizer (and hangers) or even plastic tubs.

Today I also needed to buy the things I need when I get home. Like sleep nursing bras, and ginormous maxi pads, boob cream and cotton pads to clean baby's sensitive bum and random goop because Eric will not be in any state to be trying to figure that stuff out on his own and I'm not going anywhere after a C-Section for a while. Also, needed to continue to deal with the property I just sold as the banks seem to like to continue to take auto-payments out for a mortgage which is no longer active and no.. they don't give the money back. And you know what tomorrow is? It's tax day... nuff said. Non-baby stuff needs to happen before this baby arrives. Period.

So in essence. Me taking care of all of the other stuff and not setting up the baby room (which the baby will not be even using for a few months and will essentially be a place to hold baby stuff and a guest room), really IS getting ready for baby.

Much To Do, and its only day two

2010-04-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

Because I am on maternity leave I am supposed to be resting right?
Well if I didn't have a list so long of things to do, I would rest more! I know that all will be fine if nothing on that list is done RIGHT NOW, but you know how things are.... sometimes you just need certain things to be checked off.

Like right now, I really need to unpack all the crap we move here with. Yes, we moved 6 weeks ago but that was 6 weeks of working 14 hour days and being far too tired to touch anything when I got home. We've gotten used to living out of and with boxes, so its kind of easier to just keep walking around them, for now. I am not allowing myself to go through all of the generous gifts and hand-me-downs which are accumulating in that room there behind me which I try to avoid as it would be so much more fun to sit down in there and go through bags and boxes, not to mention also sitting down to write out some thank you notes.... OY I have much to do.

I don't even have an actual list going, which probably makes the brain list seem even longer. Perhaps that will be thing one on tomorrow's list.... to make a list.

Yesterday, day one of leave, I sat on the couch, all day with my iPhone in hand texting/IMing away with my girlfriends who I haven't gotten to talk to much since I've been so darn busy at work. I was also researching who knows what via the Internet on that thing for HOURS. Then we headed out to a "newborn care" class which blew chunks (which was one of the topics as well) but Eric seemed to enjoy it so someone got benefit out of it. We ran many errands and went out to eat dinner which I had a hard time swallowing the bill when I'm not making much money at the moment with the whole not working thing, but also recognized we will not have many more opportunities for such niceties soon.

Today, I had many goals which I think I got 4.5 things accomplished, even more if you include showering and getting dressed and feeding myself...ok I didn't feed myself very well and getting dressed counts when you just put clean PJ like clothes on post shower, right? But I did pull my laptop out and get it set up and got caught up on Grey's Anatomy thanks to Hulu.com while I sorted/filed/shredded many a paper in my "need to deal with" pile of papers which moved here with us. Of course I still have little piles of papers all over the desk looking for new homes, but they will wait for tomorrow. I'm sure I could have sorted far quicker if I was not staring at the monitor for hours but 6 weeks without TV and being home alone calls for some mindless entertainment. Oh crap, Eric is doing taxes tomorrow so I guess I must clean up the piles tonight... drat!

(Question: Do I really need to keep all of the Wedding Cards we received? That is one of said piles of papers)

Count down to Maternity Leave

2010-04-06T19:41:00.001-07:00

Psst! I have 2 more full work days until my Maternity Leave starts. Then maybe I'll actually get unpacked, get Internet service at the house, and get my ergonomic desk set up at home so I can type there and then MAYBE I'll ACTUALLY POST SOMETHING ABOUT THIS PREGNANCY!

If I didn't mention this before, we moved over a month ago. Yea... we're crazy and moved at the end of the 7th month. And I'm too freakin' pooped to unpack so we live in a sea of boxes. And no, the baby's room is not set up, please don't bring it up. We do not have any furniture in there yet (well nothing that will stay in there) but we are picking up a crib this weekend (Thanks Liz!). The "baby's room" is full of a lot of things overflowing from other rooms and a wonderful ton of generous gifts and hand me downs from friends and family. (THANK YOU AWESOME FRIENDS AND FAMILY!)

Anyone got a twin/trundle bed we can use for a guest bed? apparently Moms and Moms-in-laws like to have beds when they stay over to help out.

So much to do, and so many naps fit in.

Poor Pregnant Sick Me

2010-02-22T23:24:00.000-08:00

This is a post full of whining. Oh right, that's pretty normal for around these parts so I shouldn't have to preface it.

I'm sick. And I'm pregnant. you know that that means? LIMITED DRUGS! I love my cold medications, and all the ones I usually reach for are off limits during this journey I'm on. Sigh. I'm currently working on cold #3 of this pregnancy and #4 of the cold/flu season and actually #1 was in June so that's BEFORE the season even started and it was the worst of all.

Started out as a tickling cough, 2 days later insane sore throat and prolonged coughing fits, 2 days later add head congestion, and then .... the dreaded YELLOW MUCUS coming from everywhere I turned.

I am doing all the things I'm supposed to do:
Resting as much as the Mr. Mucus allows
Sinus Rinse
Lots of Hot/Warm fluids
Steamy deep breathing sessions in the shower/bath or over the stove
Salt water gargling
Eating well

Since Mr Mucus turned colors over the weekend I decided it was time to see the doctor. I'm not one to go to the doctor unless really warranted and this pregnancy warranted the trip. My OB was out today, so I saw another in the group who I've seen before so I knew he was REALLY sensitive to the emotions of Women's Health and would not fault me for coming in with a cold (he had helped me through my miscarriage).

He was pretty much awesome and convinced me that taking a Codeine cough syrup was the way to go. I picked up my prescription and a refill for my inhaler should the need arise during a coughing fit. Now, 2 doses later, I'm not convinced of its effectiveness. Still coughing. Have managed to give myself (or maybe the baby started it) sore ribs, and my back decided that coughing is a good trigger for spasming. The coughing has even been triggering fun puking... good thing I had kind of gotten used to that a few months ago.

I'm falling apart people!

Oh yea, and I'm supposed to be packing some everyday to be ready for the big move on Sunday. Yea right.

CRAP - I hear something. Eric's making sinusy noises. CRAP CRAP CRAP!

Location Location Location

2010-02-21T05:33:00.000-08:00

Next weekend we are moving and I'm sort of happy about it. Moving to be closer to my office and therefore a large part of my daily life will finally be closer to my impending new family. As I've complained about thoroughly over the years, I have a LONG ASS COMMUTE (3-5 hours daily). I live in an area of the country which is CONGESTED, not LA congested but pretty damn bad and sprawling out from a few major cities.

I grew up on one side of a bay and have lived within a 10 mile radius all my life, but I have worked in or near one of the major cities on the OTHER side of the bay for over 10 years. And the headquarters of the company I work for is way down at the southern tip of that bay in another one of the major cities and I'm expected to go there occasionally and never know if/when my position will be moved there. Lots of people live in one city or area of the bay but work in another so the highways and bridges are therefore full of people all trying to get to and from the same places around the same time of day which equals... that long ass commute. Whether by train or car, my commute is long. When I take it, public transportation may reduce the insanity, it's still a huge part of my day and daily expense.

Because I want those 3-5 hours back to spend with my upcoming new family, we are moving to the SAME CITY as my current office. We are renting a place which isn't perfect but the location to my office can't be beat. The rental comes with a few cons which we will just have to wait to see how they play out. Yes I'm going to focus on the negatives here because I need to get it out and really the main pro is the main con too:

- Virgin Landlord/Owner: very clearly has never been a landlord before but thankfully he hired a real estate agent to help him but mostly we'll work with the landlord directly. We've met once, and he was nice but seemed green. He agreed to take some things away we don't want/need, to finish up some repairs and to install a water line for our fridge so I still get ice and filtered water (yay!) instead of using his smaller, older and honestly, stinky and moldy fridge (Eric didn't see my issue with it but he never looked inside). One nice point, he is going to give us the keys a week early so we can move in over the weekend even though our lease begins on the first.

- Kitchen: you might know that I love to cook and well, this place has a tiny kitchen lacking much in the way of amenities and things like counter space and storage, and the lay out is not ideal. It'll work out but we're going to put some money into it in the way of IKEA furniture and someone is going to have dishpan hands and it's not going to be me (yea right).

- Color: Said Virgin Landlord does not know the way of the neutral color palate for a rental. The interior walls are newly and beautifully (craftsmanship-wise) painted lime green and he bought and installed curtains for most of the windows, all of which are a print of blue of some sort. Yes, lime green and blue.... everywhere. And no, he didn't save any of the paint for touch ups nor remembers the color code or brand of paint for us to redo his work should we choose to reduce the pain. I am VERY emotionally effected by color, so we'll see how I deal with this one. Oh and I won't even go into the newly painted exterior color (ok yes I will). Think poo. Poo of someone who ate a jar of mustard and a can of peas. Yay! Awesome location!

- Shared space and utilities: There is a "cottage" in the small backyard which is rented out to a separate tenant. We will be sharing utilities and common space with this person whom we've never met. The lease doesn't have as solid of terms as I'd like in the way of how the sharing happens so that was probably stupidity shining through on my part. The current tenant has given notice, so who knows what that will do to things. Maybe the new person will be an awesome new friend of our new family and really easy to work with in terms of the utilities and backyard.

- Doubled Housing/Living expense: Our current place is cheap. cheap cheap cheap. But we live to our means and my never seeming to end student loans takes up a large chunk of my net salary. And somehow, thanks to the market and plummeting interest rates, this area is now even cheaper for those lucky people who buy here now. By moving to the other side of the bay alone, we are increasing our cost of living a LOT, plus things just cost more over there. Have I also mentioned we are having a baby and I hear they are expensive too. Guess taking my lunch to work will no longer be a good thing to do and more a necessity.

- Location: The city in which I work is the city in which I work. Work sometimes is not the best part of my day so the city in which I do it can have negative feelings associated with it. For years I have gone to this city to do ... work, and then I get to go home and live. See what I mean?
Plus this city has a completely different climate than where I call home so some adjusting will need to happen.
And its not the best area. As in most cities, it has its good and its not as good areas, with many different socioeconomic groups and cultures which I like and then again don't like all the time. The wrong side of the tracks means something here. Yes, call me a yuppy snob but I don't think I used to care as much about this sort of thing except when I lived alone and now with the thoughts of baby on my mind. There is no cute downtown to stroll along with the stroller, but there is some shopping nearby so that's helpful but I've been spoiled by living in a fairly affluent area where even the Target is nicer than most.
Oh and there is a major airport nearby too.... with a flight path for the international huge jumbo jets which you can tell the name of the airline who owns the plane because you can READ it from the ground. The path goes over my office so I'm sort of used to it, but we'll be waiting to see what that sounds like from our new place.
And while my commute is shrinking to almost nothing, Eric's is growing. True he doesn't have to drive for his work everyday, he still does have a lot of driving to do to get to clients for meetings and installs which are all on that other side of the bay.

And my biggest con is also... LOCATION but for a very different reason.
I am essentially moving away from home for the first time. Sure I moved out of my parents house many years ago. I have moved from rental to rental to owning to rental to rental to rental to owning, but never left the comfort of a 10 mile radius from my parents and the house I lived years 0-24. I know where I live. I know where to get things, how long it takes to get there and who to call when I need help.
Here, my mom comes by for lunch or to play a game almost every Sunday on her way home from church. She takes care of my cats when we go away. She brings me soup my father makes for me when I'm sick. She's my mom and she's here, and I'm moving over there.
Eric's plant nursery, part of the core of his business is at my parent's home. He goes there to care for his plants, to visit with my parents and has dinner and conversation with them far more often then I do. And I often get the benefit of leftovers my parents send home with him to be waiting for me after I get home from my long ass commute.

I am finally moving away from my parents.

And some people may not get this, but the biggest con is that I'm moving away from my friends. My core strength is my friends. While my parents are big, in my life my friends have been bigger. They listen to me, they help me cope and they give me so much more comfort and knowledge and help than they will ever know. Sure we are already spread out in the area, and the majority of our communication is and will remain via the Internet, but right now I know they are all within a 30 minute drive. And while I'm not moving out of state, I am moving at minimum 1.5 hours away so there will no longer be last minute lunches or shopping trips or visits. They have busy lives too and we already have infrequent times we spent together. I had just hoped that this new phase of my life would have more of an ever present, as in in-person, support of my girlfriends who mostly are all already going through this journey.

While my support network is not in this new town, we'll make due. I guess. We have to. It's for the good of our new family.

Getting down to counting on fingers

2010-02-20T03:23:00.000-08:00

Counting down to events in one's life has always been a big deal. As a kid we were excited about our birthdays or Christmas or Summer vacation. As adults we have graduation, weddings, jobs ending or starting, vacations (again) and then there are births and all those countdowns that go with them...

In 11 weeks...
27 Weeks down and 11 more to go for this impending birth. No that doesn't add up to the traditional 40 but this baby is coming at 38 weeks at the latest.

Why you may ask?

Well back here, I had a uterine surgery to remove some fun fibroids which were threatening to drain me of my blood and almost ruined my wedding, not to mention gave me a lovely plump 4-5 months pregnant look. Evil, benign things. Because of how the surgery went down, I should not go into labor as my uterus likely couldn't handle the stress of it and might rupture. Seeing as we don't want that to happen... you know, the whole death thing...this baby is coming by C-Section at the latest on May 6th. That's her drop dead delivery date. Oh, that doesn't sound good, so let's go with Project Management terms...her Commit Date!

I'll be having an Amniocentesis at week 36 to check on development and if she appears ready, she'll deliver at 37 weeks (10 flippin' weeks away!.... I can count that on my FINGERS!), and if she needs a tad more time she gets 7 more days to hit her commit date and then she's coming out!

That's right, this ride of pregnancy apparently ends with a baby in arms and me a mother. Funny how I knew that, but am just starting to actually KNOW that, and I probably won't really know it until a week into the fun new stage of my life which is parenthood. Holy CRAP! I'm going to BE a mother on Mother's Day this year (May 9th in the US if you haven't looked it up yet).

In 7 weeks...
I'm to going on MATERNITY LEAVE! Oh how I wish for this day to come quickly as I am uncomfortable, hardly sleep (writing this at 3am), am sick for the 3rd time this pregnancy (thank you compromised immune system), my pelvis hasn't gotten the word that I'm having a C-section so every step I take is painful as it "loosens", and well work? I don't talk about that here but I'll be just fine to let my controlling ways go aside or redirected for a few or 6 months (or as long as we can afford it). 7 more weeks. I can make it 7 more weeks.

In 3+ weeks...
We are being blessed by 2 Baby Showers being thrown for us. One by my wonderful co-workers and another by my beautiful girlfriends. I guess I should actually put some stuff on those gift registries because apparently people like to give us stuff. WOO!! I just wanted to celebrate our new stage of life with friends and to eat cupcakes (I am dreaming about Lizzie's Coconut Cupcakes daily!) but the generosity and excitement of our friends is overwhelmingly awesome and they want to know what we might want to help us with the world of baby.

The baby registry thing has me baffled a little because while I realize the market of baby stuff is huge and our loved ones want to buy us things to help us with this journey, I am also full on down with the land of hand-me-downs because #1 - it's less stuff going to landfills, #2 - if my friends used it and loved it and want us to use it too, then its usefulness has already been proven and I don't have to do the research!, #3 - lots of times the stuff GOES BACK to them so I don't have to then find a new home for ALL THE STUFF! (I like to live with less stuff in general, idealistically not always in practice, and I realize babies come with stuff, so easy ways for stuff going away is good!).

Alas, while I am having a tough time learning all there is to learn about the stuff which helps with baby, and having to come to terms that this is really happening, its actually kind of fun to peruse the shopping sites and reviews and picking out the things which will soon decorate our new life (and living room, and car, and...)

In 2 weeks...
We are going to our 2nd of a series of baby related classes. We went to a Mid-Term pregnancy class many months ago which was informative but nothing new was learned which I didn't already get from the Internet or books. This next class is BREASTFEEDING. The first of the practical classes on our schedule. Apparently stuff will come from my chest and there will be a baby who wants to suck on me and will be nourished and neither of us will know exactly what to do and we're going to learn some info on how that all happens. CRAZY and beautiful and amazing and did I mention crazy?

Sure we girls learn to deal with the oddity which is our period and we get use to that idea fairly quickly, then this pregnancy thing takes over our lives and our bodies and we learn and adjust but never REALLY know what its like until we're living it, and then after that comes breastfeeding which to me is still weird to think about. So yea... classes, teach me, show me the way!

In 1 week...
We move. Yes move. We are renting a place closer to my work so I can cut down my commute. Improving ones quality of life suddenly becomes more important when things like babies come into the picture. My commute will essentially go from 3-5 hours per day depending on traffic or if I go by train, to 10-30 minutes which I can WALK if I so choose to do (to leave Eric home with the 4 door car and the baby, because a 4 door car is better than a work truck for baby's safety and my sanity - C you know what I'm talking about!).

The short sale of our townhouse is progressing and while we will have an overlap of mortgage and rent payments (and utilities, we keep forgetting the cost of those utilities) for a few months, this move is going to make the end of my pregnancy a little bit easier... sort of (I'll go into the reasons of that Sort Of in a different post) and postpartum breastfeeding while working and balancing the support of a business owning husband who will also be at least part-time daddy daycare and struggles with depression life WAY easier.

So this weekend, we PACK. Holy Crap, change is happening.

The countdowns of many big changes are getting really close to their ends, and one big one's beginning. Change is good. Change is good...

Still Here. Still Pregnant. Still Hurting.

2010-01-11T22:33:00.000-08:00

VERY quick update....

I am still around even though I don't comment much on your blogs or write ANYTHING on mine. I'm very busy at work and have to choose carefully when I'm going to use my hands.... see #4.
I am still pregnant (YAY!) and am currently in my 21st week. I am showing a bit, some days I'm bigger than others, and I've taken NO photos of my progression which is something I always wanted to do and just need to at least start already because I can't turn back time.
I am having some complications where I get lightheaded and my heart races and sometimes I end up with an irregular heart rhythm for a few seconds. I've done an EKG which showed nothing but a fast pulse (of course). I'm betting I'm just anemic.
I now have what is known at Pregnancy Carpal Tunnel. I had Carpal Tunnel already and tendinitis all over both arms and hands but now its a little different and the pain is even worse. I had heard that pregnancy could make it worse but I couldn't see how it could be any more painful... guess what? IT CAN! YES IT CAN! I've ordered some Speech Recognition software so we'll see how that goes. Maybe I'll actually start documenting this experience finally.
We are in the middle of doing a Short Sale on our place and will be looking to rent a place closer to my office to reduce my commute. We're still debating the pros and cons of locations and amenities. A lot has to do with our daycare decisions. More on that later.

So that's my quick update.... oh, and one more thing.

IT'S A GIRL (insert both ultrasound technician's disclaimers here)

NaBloPoNO!

2009-11-04T04:10:00.000-08:00

For the last 3 years, I have participated in NaBloPoMo, a challenge to post on your blog every day for the month of November. I wasn't successful each year, but I always got something great out of it. WRITING!

I am not the most skilled writer but what I get out of writing is a form of therapy, improve writing composition and thankfully some great Bloggy Friends. Some days of November I would be really scrapping by on what to write about, and last year I was pregnant during November (ended in miscarriage but that's another story) but we weren't telling yet so that was soooo hard to not write about what was on my mind.

This year, I am pregnant again (small update - 12 weeks... Woo!) but have told people already so I thought I would easily do NaBloPoMo again and just gush baby drivel. But instead I find myself with carpal tunnel and tendinitis in both arms (worse now with the pregnancy), and in a few stressful situations (work, housing, financial fun, etc.) and did I mention I'm exhausted? I find I have little time for reading blogs, let alone writing anything for my own.

I'm only writing this now because I woke up in the middle of the night and meditation and breathing exercises were not helping the insomnia. Probably stupid for me to get on the computer, but there was a work email nagging me to get out.

So this year, November started without me writing a post each day. It probably would have been good therapy for me, so maybe I'll try to write a little more on here anyway even without the official challenge. They may be short posts, as the burning pain can only be ignored so long, but I'll try to post more just the same.

Welcome to my non-challenge yet still challenging November challenge.

3rd Times a Charm

2009-09-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

Funny thing.... you know how in this post I was just saying how I am now 35 and that I was all boo hoo about fertility and complications and never wanting to get to this age without having kids and all that blah blah blah?

Well, the day I wrote that, I didn't know that I was already pregnant!

Knowing I have a "tight" left tube and a submucosal fibroid just under that tubal opening which is possibly the cause of the "tight" tube, I had been recommended to have 2 surgeries. One to look at the tube and possibly remove it if it is obviously abnormal, and the second to "shave" down the fibroid so it didn't affect the uterine cavity. I asked if it was possible to get and have a successful pregnancy with these conditions and was told yes, but chances would be better after the surgeries and the risk of further ectopic pregnancies would be down. I am concerned of doing any possibly unneeded surgeries which add risk to my fertility, so my doctor asked that we try for 3 months and then we should discuss surgery again.
My husband and I work well to deadlines, so sure enough with the 3rd cycle after that discussion with my doctor we successfully got pregnant.

Ok, so I probably shouldn't say anything because we are still in the "Worry Time" but when is it not the worry time when it comes to pregnancy?

I am only 6 weeks pregnant but have been pained to walk up and down stairs for weeks without holding my chest, have been readily gagging for at least 2 weeks, and last week I was hit over the head with the almost constant desire to be unconscious. No food is satisfying right now, as I am either really hungry or feeling ill. I have been forcing myself to eat and rarely can get full before I get too nauseous so I'm just constantly hungry which makes me more nauseous. Sure I complain from time to time to my girlfriends, but really I am thrilled to feel this way... well, most of the time.

My beta-hCG numbers looked great at 4 weeks and tripled in 2 days. And today I had an early ultrasound to make sure this was not another ectopic pregnancy and it's definitely a uterine pregnancy and we saw a little flicker of a heartbeat. No measurements were taken today as its still a little too early to do that with the in-office ultrasound. I go back on Tuesday to start the pile of paperwork and to schedule my first real pre-natel appointment.

2 pregnancies ago, we had a heartbeat and growth up to 8.5 weeks so I know that the drop to 10% chance of miscarriage once there is a heartbeat doesn't mean a whole lot when you've been in that 10%. We do have a little issue of a fibroid above the implantation site, and development is going to be closely monitored. I will have more ultrasounds then your standard pregnancy and am considered high risk due to multiple factors:
fibroid uterus = risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, preterm labor, placenta abruption, etc
previous uterine scar tissue = risk of placenta accreta
previous uterine surgery = risk of uterine rupture, preterm labor
multiple cervical dialations = risk of incompetent cervix

I have many friends who have a hard time getting pregnant. Me, I can get pregnant but have a history of having a hard time staying that way and for the most part we have an idea of why. I feel grateful that we are not in the position of so many of my friends who have no answers and just keep being told to keep trying and spend so much time, emotions and money on their dream. I guess we too have had our own emotionally trying times, but having an idea of the issues gives us a small sense of power in the situation.

So her we go again!
As we have said since the ectopic in February, 3rd times a charm!

Un-Pausing

2009-09-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

Projects tend to get put on pause in this house. They start with vigor but don't quite get finished. This is why we have doors that have been primed to paint, but never painted. Stuff in piles as we started purging out a closet but never decide where to put the stuff that didn't belong there. Walls which are partially painted but the day finished and no one felt like painting the next day, or the next, or the next. And probably why there are STILL cans of paint in the living room.

So this weekend we are un-pausing some projects. Some background on the biggest...

Floors
When we first moved in we decided we would change the kitchen flooring as it is a hunter green faux marble linoleum and the sink in the kitchen.. MATCHES with its hunter green enamel self. The living room carpet was (note I said WAS) pretty nice but after years of living with a cat with a tender tummy.... steam cleaning can only do so much. The upstairs carpeting is a mash-up of what I can only imagine to be SALE deals or free room size chunks the previous owners got their hands on. And we won't go into what happened when Eric removed the popcorn ceiling and then painted knowing we would eventually replace the carpet. Ok I will go into it...he didn't use any sort of protective covering and you know there were drips and spills and uh ohs.

Kitchen
Our kitchen has its original partial board cabinets and to go with the faux marble floor, it has a faux marble laminate counter top too. Someone previous to us decided to paint the cabinets and used FLAT paint. That's right, the paint you CANNOT WASH as it ends up wiping off. IN THE KITCHEN! Brilliant. So the cabinets look like crap. There is actually a missing cabinet and they just put doors over the hole to cover it up. And the guy we bought this place from hired a cheap guy to put in venting for the range hood who CUT HOLES through the cabinets to vent it through the outside wall and into the water heater closet outside and up through the roof. Seeing as this was not approved by the HOA and was not to code, I stopped that work half way through since it wasn't finished when we closed escrow. So now there is a lovely hole running through the cabinets and into the outside shed. AWESOME! Nice and breezy.
Then lets add that some of the cabinet doors are falling off and have been re-screwed on so many times that the "wood" is stripped. I say "wood" because its particle board that is disintegrating.
Oh and the drawers do not have glides, they are wood on wood grinding every time you open them so anything under the drawer gets a showering of particle board dust so I have to wash everything before and after I use it.

Can you tell how much I love my kitchen?

Well, a few years ago.... 4.5 to be exact (note, we moved in 5.5 years ago), I bought some wood laminate flooring to be used downstairs. We had it all worked out. We were going to replace the kitchen cabinets and then put down the floors. That flooring as been sitting next to our front door "acclimating" since the day we brought it home. Our friends ask us over and over, have you taken care of those floors yet?

We have made plans to buy the kitchen cabinets multiple times. We have picked them out, drew up the plans, but never actually purchased them. Thankfully we have also never started the demo because that would be sad, but might have caused us to get moving.

So yesterday, I took the day off and we visited a home design showroom in town that just opened up a month ago. Their parent company mainly works with Banks and property management companies to get properties ready to sell. Many of these places are in foreclosure so the stuff is really reasonably priced and of decent quality. They do flooring, windows, baths and kitchens. You don't have a lot of options for some things they offer and that is how the keep the cost low. AND they do installation.

So on Wednesday, they will be coming out to do measurements and give us a bid on the kitchen, counter tops and the floors. We don't know if they will install the flooring we already have or if we will end up trying to get rid of it on Craigslist, but things are so much more promising now. Since they do installation I have more confidence that this will actually happen. Do it yourself projects have the tendency to stall in this house.

The remainder of the weekend's task list:
Purging a few closets and packing things up that can go away or into storage. The goal is to minimize the things in the house to what we actually use regularly. I have a feeling a lot is going to Goodwill.
I can't wait to get my hands on Eric's closet.... this man has got a lot of shoes (mostly all black) and old T-shirts!

Another Year Older

2009-08-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I added another year to my life officially. I am now the age I never wanted to get to without having kids. I am now the age where all I think about is fertility and healthy babies and how to have a healthy baby all the while trying not to stress about it as that seems to be the biggest evil. I am the age the OB/GYNs tells you it all goes down hill from here but with an odd sense of hope and promise in their voice. I am a statistic. I am 35.

HOLY SHIT! How the hell did this happen?
(BTW - yes Mom, I do swear... I guess it's time to come clean)

I spent the day shopping with my husband and prepping for a snacky food filled affair with some of my closest friends. We bought me a gorgeous Japanese knife and bamboo cutting board, $40 of Bluefin Tuna for Tuna Tar Tar and all the makings for Goi Cuon (Vietnamese Fresh Spring Rolls). I prepared to make sushi rolls for my friends and made about a bazillion spring rolls. As I haven't been in the kitchen much for about 7 months due to pain and I had a blast. I'll be icing my arms all day, but totally worth it.

Due to the good ol' arm pains I also dropped photography, so I decided to say hell with the pain, I want to remember how to use this fancy thing we bought so I brought along the camera. Here are a few photos which are poorly lit and a good reminder that I need to actually USE the settings on the camera or get and learn some photo editing software (which reminds me I need a new computer).

The boys (and Maya) and the food.

The lovely Maya

Autumn and Autumn's Mom (aka Dot)

Julie (aka JellyJules)

The Girls and an IKEA catelog

iPhones users must huddle together for warmth

Don't let him fool you. The cupcakes were delishous! He just had a fever.

A few more photos are here.

Thank you my friends for sharing a lovely evening together! You all make sting of this year a little more bearable.

Hello World. I'm back. Again.

2009-08-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone is still out there, but something is drawing me back here to talk. Sure, the blog has become a part of my therapy and my way to "process" all the stuff life brings. But it has also brought me some good friends and a way to keep in touch with old ones as our modern day life makes it all just a little bit harder to do. Simply, I miss you guys.

As Jules mentioned yesterday, I haven't been blogging or really typing socially for that matter as I have developed RSI's in both arms. I am diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome on the right side and Tendinitis all over both arms. I work hard and long (too long) and I no longer have time to IM, blog (read or write) or pick up the phone. Typing this right now gives me a burning pain that travels from my right writs, up my arm and down my back. It's AWESOME!

But alas I miss my community. I miss taking time out everyday to at least read about my "bloggy friend's" worlds. I miss writing about the positive things in my life and instead only seem to be drawn here to bitch about the challenges.

Facebook has been an interesting outlet and I've been using it off and on, but the blogosphere gets more out of me and I get more out of it. I also joined Twitter recently (30 minutes ago) but I don't get it but we'll see how that one goes.

So today I am older, and I am taking things back which have gotten away from me. My health. My family. My friends. My Internet. (so profound!)

Whine Party

2009-04-09T23:17:00.000-07:00

Today I took a half day off from work as I had scheduled a fun fun GYN procedure in the afternoon. I knew it had the potential to be upsetting, painful and that I very well may want to crawl into bed for the rest of the day.

GOOD THINKING!

Today I had a Saline Sonogram. It isn't super invasive and the uncomfortableness isn't long lasting but it still sucked! This procedure was to look into the insides of 'lady land' to see the reason for the multiple miscarriages. I had a myomectomy 1.5 years ago to remove 2 large fibroid tumors from my uterus which could result in scaring and I also knew that I could have fibroid regrowth. This procedure would hopefully give us a clearer picture as to what is going on in there today.

Many of you ladies who have had early ultrasounds during pregnancy or who have had other reason to look into lady land, are familiar with the not so fun transvaginal ultrasound. I've had lots of these thanks to having fibroids and an ectopic pregnancy and all the fun around those beauties. This sonogram is like that one, but they also insert a catheter and fill you up with saline so they can see a contrast. Basically you expect some cramping and discomfort. Which yea... sucked and I totally should have listened to the advice the great Internets gave me which was to take pain meds ahead of time.

The thing that isn't sitting well with me was the infertility clinic NP who performed the procedure. My doctor had planned on being there but was out sick today. Since my doctor wasn't there the NP asked me for my history so she knew what she was looking for. She seemed shocked at all I'd been through which didn't sit well with me that she was unaware of my case. She didn't explain the procedure and just started.

TMI alert!

#1 - the speculum was too big and she was ROUGH! Let's just say I am still uncomfortable. I've had painful experiences with the torture devise known as the speculum, but this was ridiculous pain.

#2 - The pain around the filling of the uterus was expected from my internet reading but I am still in shock that she didn't explain anything. I mostly felt terrible for Eric as he sat by me wincing every time I made a peep. I am generally a very quiet patient with a high pain tolerance but I could not just lay there today.

#3 - I was already upset about the potential outcome of this procedure because while this would hopefully give us some answers to the miscarriages, this would also tells us the next steps which could include surgery to remove more fibroids and/or scar tissue. So as she was pointing to things on the screen and saying 'that looks like scar tissue', 'there is a fibroid', 'there is another fibroid' , she suddenly said "OH! Look at THAT!" which you never want to hear while in such a precarious position. Those ultrasound images are hard to read if you don't know what you are looking at (I include myself in the not knowing crowd), but then she said "it looks all spider webby in there!", which of course I can't see but ok, that doesn't sound good. She said based on my history she is thinking it is scar tissue from the surgery but my doctor will have to do a hysteroscopy to know for sure (basically sticking a camera all up in my business to see more stuff).
My general opinion is that this kind of news, especially in an infertility clinic, should not be delivered in such a manner and fully feel that if my doctor was there that this experience would have been different.

#4 - When we talked about the ectopic pregnancy she asked if I had an HSG test yet, and when I said no and she was surprised. Then she asked what my treatment was for the ectopic, which was methotrexate injections, and she said, "You do know not to get pregnant for 3 months, right?" which is not what my doctor said. Again, I don't think that exchange would have happened like that if my doctor was in the room.

So now we know there are more issues in lady land. AWESOMENESS!

After the appointment, we got a late lunch because I couldn't eat anything this morning out of being too crazed with work stuff to take the time. So we went to a nearby diner which we had never been to and I drowned my fears, pain and sorrow in a giant strawberry milkshake which had fresh strawberries and really good vanilla ice cream and wasn't too sweet, a giant helping of french fries which might have been the most potatoey and yummy french fries ever, and a big bacon cheeseburger (ahh yea, you know what I'm talking about!) with thick cut bacon, and a cleary hand patted patty that was at least an inch thick. Eric had eaten lunch already so he enjoyed a housemade bearclaw, many of my fries and we split the shake.
Black Bear Diner -- Check it!

After getting home, I basically slept the rest of the day away (since I had worked until 2am a few nights in a row, I think it was well needed)

So that's the current update in the adventure of me and my dreams of being a parent. I used to believe that being a parent was the whole point to my life, and while my experience with fibroids and lots of therapy has helped me adjust my perspective and accept that I'm ok as is, the dream is still alive but the pressure isn't as great (all the time).

Brief Update

2009-04-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

Just stopping to say hi and to throw out a little update.

Wrists still hurt... better but still hurt and am now awaiting my worker's comp insurance to approve the physical therapy. Considering my case was opened at the end of January, this is getting ridiculous.
Working too much, trying to figure out how to find the balance.
Got a new tooth night guard because the stress is some how showing up in my mouth. Jaw clenching and pushing my tongue against my teeth and moving them. Who knew that clenching causes gum recession and flaking off enamel. Also causes wallet lightening because mouth guards are EXPENSIVE! This is my second in 2 years.
In the attempt to reduce stress and in celebration of getting home while it was still light out, we went for a jog yesterday and surprised myself at going 1.5 miles after no exercise for months. That may not sound like much but to me it totally is. I was able to pretty much chat with Eric the whole time. We even managed to sing this song for a short chunk of the route...

Milestone day

2009-03-25T08:15:00.000-07:00

Today is a day which will be marked on the calendar. Ok, maybe it won't be because it depresses me a little even as I try to look at the upside to it.

Today I am reminded I am older.
I am no longer dealing with teen angst... much.
I am not afraid of the bullies.... much.
I am able to go to the store and buy what I want... mostly....on credit.... but I don't because I also know the difference between need and want.
I am wiser.
I am stronger.
I am a little bigger too... but we're trying to stick to the positives here.
I don't care as much about wearing the perfect outfit so the cute boy behind me mind notice me.
I've accepted I have straight hair and no longer feel the need to put chemicals in it to change it's structure so it frizzes out instead of laying all shiny and straight.
I have accepted that I am no longer a size 0-2, even if I haven't quite accepted my current size.
I like that I can't see my ribs anymore because that was kinda gross.
I make pretty decent money without getting up at 4am to throw papers at people's houses.
I have learned that being treated badly by a man is NOT OK! and there are other fish in the sea!
I own stuff.
I have found my own voice and use it regularly.
I may not still regularly speak to my friends from my childhood but I have surrounded myself with who I feel are life long friends.
I've accepted it is ok to loose touch.

So even though I am reminded about all of these GOOD things at this point in my life (plus more but my wrists are starting to say we've had just about enough typing for the moment), today is a milestone day which depresses me a little because....

I FOUND MY FIRST GREY HAIR!
It's too soon! It's just too soon!
I also have dark dark brown hair and this hair is white white white and kinky and right in my part on top of my head.

sigh... so much for not caring so much about my hair.
BACK TO THE BOTTLE!

44 Meme

2009-03-02T13:13:00.001-08:00

Because I haven't written anything but sad medical crap for a while now, I thought I'd take J's prompting from her meme post today and follow through with completing it myself.

44 Things about me!

1. Do you like blue cheese?
Indeedy I do. Maytag Blue is my favorite. Really creamy.

2. Have you ever been drunk?
I have, although not recently. For some reason I decide to drink the most at company parties. I guess FREE is a big thing for me so I feel the need to partake. Good thing the company doesn't throw parties anymore. Upside of the recession?

3. Do you own a gun?
That would be a BIG NO!

4. What flavor of Kool-Aid was your favorite?
Fruit Punch or Cherry

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Usually no, but lately yes.

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Hot Cocoa, Hot Water or Vente Non-Fat Sugar-Free Hazelnut Steamer, thank you very much!

9. Can you do push ups?
Yes, but no to the pull ups. And actually at the moment I can do neither due to the wrist issues.

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
Wedding/Engagement Ring. It sparkles real pretty.

11. Favorite hobby?
hands down... BAKING!

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
YES! Not diagnosed but I think it is pretty obvious.

13. What’s your favorite shoe?
I have these pair of sandals with a chunky 2 inch heal and stretchy strappy upper which I LOVE but am afraid this will be their last year. I don't have many shoes because my feet have issues and when I find shoes that are comfortable, I wear them until they fall apart. Such is the reason I am usually in highly unfashionable running shoes.

14. Middle name?
Rebecca -- and I LOVE IT!

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
My hands/wrists hurt
I probably shouldn't be typing this right now
Why is there only one more thin mint sitting in front of me?

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Water, Milk, Hot Cocoa (which is mostly milk... right?)

17. Current worry?
WORK SHIT!
and
What am I going to wear this weekend to Starshine's play?

18. Current hate right now?
anything having to do with our flooring at home.... ok and also the perpetually moldy caulking in the corners of our tub/shower which needs to be stripped out and redone. Yea I know... gross!

19. Um, where did 19 go?
After reading this Meme a few times I am going with the same assumption as everyone else and talk about when I was 19. 19 went down the toilet with working at a burger joint, dating an abusive guy, calling off an engagement and going to community college not being able to figure out what is it that I wanted to do when I grew up. BTW - that abusive guy ended up with an abusive girl and later called to apologize.

20. How did you bring in the New Year?
Celebrated Julie's birthday with friends, a yummy dinner and fun games.

21. Where would you like to go?
Anywhere I can use my passport. But mostly right now I want to go home.

22. Name three people who will complete this?
???

23. Do you own slippers?
I do but I don't wear them.

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
Black although I'm also still wearing my big puffy down jacket over it.

25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets?
Nah. I love jersey knit cotton or other natural fiber. currently on the bed are Beech sheets.

26. Can you whistle?
I like to think I can, but not when compared to people who REALLY can.

27. Favorite color?
All my life it has been BLUE, but greens are starting to work their way in.

28. Would you be a pirate?
uh... doubtful. I'm too much of a rule follower (except for the speed limit)

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't really know of any specific songs and it doesn't happen that often. I know Christmas songs and other Churchy related songs creep into my head during those quiet times. Mostly I'm just trying to get out of the shower quickly so as not to waste water.

30. Favorite Girl’s Name?
Kaitlyn - and no we won't be using it because guy from #19 used it.. BASTARD!

31. Favorite boy’s name?
Benjamin - also won't be using it for other reasons.

32. What’s in your pocket right now?
Nadda

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
Co-worker talking about how his wife spent $380 on 2 pairs of jeans and other co-worker said, "but just think of how hot she'll look while you are eating Top Ramen when you are both laid off in a few months."

34. Best bed sheets as a child?
The only sheets I really remember were these ones with Rainbow Brite on them which I never understood why my mom bought them because I didn't even like Rainbow Brite and I was too old at the time for character sheets. These also happen to be the sheets I got for Christmas one year (yea, sheets for Christmas... WOO!) but I found the receipts and tags in the trash and was SO BUMMED and ungrateful that I do believe I cried to my mom about them who was furious. Yea... that whole story is probably why remember those sheets.

35. Worst injury you’ve ever had as a child?
Dislocated my elbow, chipped bone and broke nerves while doing an Aerial in gymnastics. I landed the trick but managed to do all of that damage in the air. Never felt a thing due to the broken nerves but was in the hospital for weeks and was scared most of the time.

36. Do you love where you live?
BIG NO!

38. Who is your loudest friend?
Hmmm.... probably Michelle although I haven't seen her for years I still consider her a good friend. I think she'd agree.

39. How many dogs do you have?
None. although I have 2 cat's which Dot refers to as dogs.

40. Does someone have a crush on you?
Yes and I share a bed and last name with him. HOT!

41. What is your favorite book?
Tough one. I don't read much but if I finish a book it's generally because I loved it.

42. What is your favorite candy?
OH man this one is tough because I admit to loving candy. I'll name a few:
Giant Chewy Sweettarts
See's Butterscotch Suckers
See's Milk Bordeaux
See's Butterscotch Square
Shocktarts
Peanut butter cups

43. Favorite Sports Team?
None

44. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Uhhh....something kinda cheerful and pretty please.

Learning Patience

2009-02-24T22:31:00.000-08:00

So I guess an update is in order.

I saw my doctor on Thursday who at the time was still feeling this was a normal miscarriage. She did an in-office ultrasound which didn't really answer the if this is an intrauterine or ectopic pregnancy. She saw things that made her think it could be either.

Not very definitive.

So she had me do another round of blood tests to see where my beta-hCG levels were. If they were dropping quickly it sounds like a normal miscarriage. If they weren't we were back to thinking it is ectopic.

Blood drawn and waiting commences.

Friday 7am
I'm up, showered, dressed and about to head out the door to a crazy day at work when the phone rings. It's my doctor calling to say that my numbers did not drop, she is concerned the pregnancy is ectopic, she is in the OR all day but had a cancellation and would like to bring me in to do a D&C and then a possible laparoscopic surgery to look for and remove the pregnancy if she doesn't find it in the uterus. She asks, "Do you think you can make that happen today?" Even though my day is full of busy crazy important work, I say "I'll make it happen."
She assures me that my numbers have dropped so low that there is no way this pregnancy is viable even though they are not dropping anymore. They are in the 300's at this point, when they were in the 700's a week earlier and should have been doubling every 2-3 days.
I'm instructed to not eat or drink anything and to come in at noon to be prepped for surgery in the afternoon.
I email my boss to tell him what is happening and he is more than supportive. I try to do as much emailing and work as I can do as I am quickly getting more and more anxious.

Friday 11am
The Operating Room Admin calls to say that my doctor will no longer be able to do my procedure today and that she'll call me this afternoon when she gets out of surgery to talk about the next steps, but that I am clear to eat now.

WHAT?
More waiting....

Friday 12noon
My doctor calls another doctor who's nurse calls me to say that I need to go to the hospital imaging department to get an Ultrasound done at 1pm. There were no appointments available but they have been told I'm coming. I ask if I am to drink the requisite 32 oz of water to have a full bladder for the scan and she says just to drink a little. Usually OB ultrasounds are done by a different department, but the hospital imaging department does them when there is an emergency and I unfortunately know this because this will be my third. AWESOME!

Worry sets in

Friday 1:30pm
I drink a glass of water as we drive to the hospital and of course I get there and they say my bladder isn't full enough for the scan (BECAUSE I WAS TOLD NOT TO FILL IT!). So I chug the 32 oz and sit in the waiting room waiting for it to make its way down.

Friday 2:30pm
HELLO FULL BLADDER!
Scan commences. I chit chat with the technician about iPhones and such. We talk about all sorts of random things. I will say that all of the technicians are so nice there!
And now it's time for the OTHER part of this scan. I never talk during this part. It's just weird. But this part of the scan goes on, and on, and HURTS in certain spots. It's clear she is taking a lot of images of certain areas. This part took almost an hour. She reviewed the images with the radiologist who asked for more images... wee!
When all is done, the tech says I REALLY need to follow-up with my doctor.

I felt like crap after that ultrasound but to avoid the next step we went out to get some dinner. Eric was really hungry and we all needed a break from the craziness of the past few days. But now what?
Do I wait for my doctor to call me or do I call the on-call GYN to find out answer?
I opt to wait... it's a lot easier.

Friday 6pm
Phone rings and it is an anesthesiologist calling to say that she is putting me on the surgical board for Saturday at 1pm to make sure I don't get bumped again.
WHAT?
I haven't heard from anyone about my ultrasound yet. I haven't heard from my doctor about the next steps and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be the one doing my procedure if I had it done on a Saturday. I'm totally confused.
Just in case, the anesthesiologist did the full pre-surgical interview.

I email my doctor just in case she checks it. I'm a little panicked and am not comfortable with someone else doing my surgery. I trust my doctor and don't want just anyone cutting into me.

Friday 6:30pm
I call the advise nurse who can contact the on-call gynecologist to find out the results of my ultrasound and who has hopefully been in contact with my doctor to know the plan.
With my insurance group I have to first talk to a non-medical rep in a call center and have to tell them my whole deal before they will transfer me to the advise nurse. Once I get to the advice nurse I have to tell it all again. The advise nurse finds out that the on-call GYN is familiar with my name and needs to review all of the reports and would call me in 30 minutes. She says that if I haven't heard anything by 8pm to call again.

Knowing that the on-call GYN knows my name is worrisome. So we continue waiting.

Friday 8pm
Still no call, so I have to make the call again.
Again I have to tell the whole story of the day... twice. Of course I don't get the same rep and nurse.
They tell me he'll call as soon as he can and to call back if he still hasn't called before I go to bed.

Waiting continues....

Friday sometime after 9pm
HE CALLS! Eric wants to know what he's saying and is brilliant and picks up the other phone to join in (I couldn't even think of such an idea my brain was swirling around too much)
Ultrasound results
It is still not clear if the pregnancy is intrauterine or ectopic. WHAT? They see something in both places (that's what we knew about the little in-office machine too). Ok great, no real answers.
While my doctor wanted to do the surgery to get definitive answers, she agreed with the on-call GYN that we should go the route of treating me with medication to end the pregnancy so we do not risk affecting my fertility more than needed. Either way, an ectopic pregnancy is a risk to my health so action had to happen right away.
Usually this drug is administered at the Chemo clinic because the drug is a low dose of chemo but the clinic is only open M-F and my doctor did not want to wait any longer. The doctors set it up that I would get the drug administered at the ER the next day. I had to wait until the main pharmacy was open so they could mix up the drug so 10am the next morning would be it.

Breathing still....

Saturday 8am
My Doctor calls to apologize for all of the drama, waiting and confusion of the day before and to talk to me about the findings, and the new plan and lets me ask all of my questions. She is clearly sick herself and I can hear the beeps of the ER in the background. I later learn she has another patient in there with a REAL emergency in the ER.
She advises that I not eat or drink anything just in case the surgery comes up again while in the ER.
Turns out she was in surgery all day the day before and was already scrubbed in when she found out I was being bumped from the surgical board. She then had issues with her remote access and couldn't look up my phone number to call me herself the night before. She called the on-call GYN and he said he'd do the calling.

Saturday 10am
I'm HUNGRY!
We are back in the ER. Much of the same staff is there who were there when I was there the week before. Oddly comforting.
I'm prepared this time. I bring reading material. My iPhone is fully charged. I bring all of my prescriptions and copies of my EKGs from the previous week because the anesthesiologist couldn't find them in the system. Most importantly I bring a pair of really lovely fuzzy soft socks and a hoodie to put on over the backless gown. I had a feeling we would be doing a lot of waiting around.
I first need some blood work done to make sure my liver and kidneys are doing well and to get a beta-hCG level as a baseline for the post-injection blood work I'll get every few days until my levels are back to zero. They say I need a GOOD IV to get the injection so they want to do that to get the blood too.
My arms aren't so good for blood work and worse for IVs so a few nurses come in and out looking and smacking and then turning to get someone else. One nurse tries and fails but all of the other nurses won't poke without knowing they will get it. A few hours pass and they finally learn that I don't need the IV and that any ol'blood draw will do.
Finally it is time for the injection and the new on-call GYN comes in to do it. She's the only one certified to give a chemo injection on-call at the time. My doctor told me about her and that she had already talked to her about the plan. I ask even more questions and we talk about what to expect and she again reassures me that my beta-hCG levels definitely show a miscarriage and very likely an ectopic pregnancy. She makes sure I am ready and then its time for the shots.
IT BURNS and 4 days later it still hurts.

Now we are back to waiting. More blood work to see where my levels end up. If they don't go down then another set of shots and more waiting. If that doesn't work then we're back to scheduling surgery.

The last few days have been full of ups and downs and side effects. I've been home from work because I feel like crap and hurt physically, am extremely fatigued and admittedly emotionally not all together. Even the bit of work I've done has left me in tears. Thankfully I am feeling physically better tonight and am hoping the nausea I had last night doesn't return.
As I talked to my therapist about, this time is going to be emotionally and physically very different. At this moment it is feeling terribly harder and this time I don't know if I'm going to be strong enough to be as optimistic as I once was.

Dr Called....Again

2009-02-17T14:57:00.000-08:00

My beta-hCG values have dropped to 398.
So it looks like I'm miscarrying again. I go in to see my doctor on Thursday.

DAMN IT!
CRAP!
GRUMBLE!
POO!
FRICK!

...
sigh

Dr Called...

2009-02-17T10:28:00.001-08:00

Turns out my OB was in today so I left her a message that I was concerned about my beta-hCG results. She said the levels are high enough that she's not concerned about ectopic anymore, and that she has seen this slow rise before and it be totally normal. She wants me to go back in today to get another test done.
If they are still low for this many days past ovulation, then she'll want to see me as something is wrong. If they are back on track, then she'll want to see me next week for an early ultrasound or do another blood test. She said as long as I don't have sharp pains or a fever or short of breath then I should be fine.

Next step... get poked again and then wait for her to call me.

Sharing News

2009-02-16T22:01:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here is what I want to share....

News#1
After last Sunday, I had another heart palpitation episode which was stronger, longer and scarier. It woke me up in the middle of the night and we went to the ER right away. They immediately did an EKG without me even signing in. They caught the palpitation on the EKG unlike last time. Then over the next few hours I remained hooked up to the monitor with an irregular heart beat, with the monitor alarming every few minutes saying I was in VTACH or Non-sustaining VTACH or some other acronyms I don't remember. They did a few more EKGs while I had an even "funkier" rhythm, as my nurse called it.

The ER doctor ordered lots and lots of blood work, I was given an IV and put on oxygen. He then ordered a chest x-ray which I was very hesitant to agree to because I am ...

News #2
...Pregnant again (just 5 weeks so I probably shouldn't say anything but I am because that's what I do and I have crap to talk about here)

After finally getting them to let Eric back to talk to me, and the radiology tech expressed his concern, we called Eric's friend who is a cardiologist and gave him the low down and he said it didn't sound like I needed the chest xray and he advised we refuse it. After much todo, the ER Doc talked to the on-call cardiologist who said it was fine to skip the xray. I also emailed my OB, who responded that it would have been fine to do but sounded like the cardiologist felt it was also fine to skip.

A bit later, they tried injecting calcium as it can help the heart. Did nothing.
Then they tried injecting a beta-blocker. Slower heart rate, but still palpitating. I did feel the immediate change though. Then they gave me a pill form of the beta-blocker and an hour later..... regular beats between palpitations. YAY! And then all regular beats.
and then it became really boring as my phone battery was dying so I could no longer check email or update Facebook which was the only thing entertaining me because Eric was asleep at this point (he can sleep through anything!).
Since I was stabilizing they decided not to admit me, and a few hours later they discharged me and sent me over to cardiology for a Echo cardiogram and to meet with my brand new shiny Cardiologist. I'm 34 and have a Cardiologist. Oh and by the way, an Echo with pregnant boobs... PAINFUL!

My Cardiologist, cute little blond pregnant thing that she is, felt the Echo was normal but wanted to consult her colleagues and the Electrophysiologist about my EKGs to figure out where the irregular beats were coming from. She also switched me to a different beta-blocker medication which has been studied more with pregnancies. She felt the palpitations are being triggered by the pregnancy and should go away after I deliver.

Since Thursday, I've only had one little heart flutter and have mostly felt ok in the heart department. I'm a little lightheaded and really tired, but that could be a symptom of the pregnancy or the medication. Hard to tell.

Ok, so on to the pregnancy. YAY! First try after the miscarriage last December!
BUT.....
With these heart palpitations, my doctor is a little concerned about Eptopic pregnancy. Since the first episode stopped on its own, she was less worried but still wanted me to do a round of quantitative Beta-hCG testing to make sure the pregnancy is progressing normally. First test was at about 18 DPO and was 615, which is pretty high for that far along. My doctor emailed me and said to go back in 48 hours and then we'd see how it's going. I did the test but didn't hear back from her. Waiting through Friday and the weekend. Then today I went to email her but the email system said she was out until Wednesday. So I decided to call her office to get the results myself which I am now regretting. 48 hours later the hCG level should have doubled, but it was only at 782. Poooo

Could be a vanishing twin.
Could be Ectopic.
Could be I'm miscarrying again.
Could be I'm in that 15% who's levels do not double every 48 hours but even those usually have complications.
Could be no problem at all.
(Stupid internet providing me with more information than I wish to have at this moment)

I should have waited to let my doctor tell me her thoughts but now I get to try not to worry for the next 2 days.

So that's my news. Off to ice my wrists. Too much typing.

Wouldn't You Like to Know?

2009-02-15T20:56:00.000-08:00

I have stuff to share, but I've gone from one bad wrist to both of them paining me so I can't share it here without lots of short spurts of one handed typing.

Blogging without typing is a tad difficult.

Heart All A Flutter

2009-02-09T08:34:00.000-08:00

We all know how whiny I've been about the wrist, right?
I will be calling the doctor today to give him an update and to find out the next steps. He had only put me on limited use through the week so I dunno what he wants me to do now. But along with the wrist update, I also get to give him an update on my fun of yesterday afternoon.

Around 3pm I was sitting on the couch, just finishing up some lunch (who says a bowl of meatballs and a can of soup can't be lunch?), when I noticed I was having heart palpitations. I've had them before but usually just a flutter and then back to normal. Perhaps a surge in adrenaline and then nothing. This time they just went on an one. My heartbeat was not regulating. I continued to sit on the couch watching TV for another half hour when my mom come over to drop some stuff off and she didn't stay longer then a few minutes. I didn't tell her anything was wrong because at that point I wasn't really concerned yet.

After she left I realized it was still going on and I asked Eric to Google what to do to get something like this to stop. He suggested resting, so I laid down in bed and he rubbed my back but nothing was getting better. I didn't feel weak or bad in anyway other than the constant flutter which was annoying and now starting to get worrisome. Eric called the advise nurse who asked me lots of questions and asked me to take my pulse and blood pressure. Pulse high, blood pressure low. She wanted me to come in right away and to have Eric drive me and to warn him that I might pass out. Getting up I realized that my arms and legs were shaky and felt weak. AWESOME! Then in the car I started feeling lightheaded. WEEeee!

At the doctor they checked my vitals and my heart rate was even higher but my blood pressure was now really high. Since my Oxygen was good they had me wait to see the doctor. FOR AN HOUR! Well, 40 minutes to be called back, and at least 20 minutes before he saw me. While waiting I started feeling really bad and I was getting scared, and then poof... I could breath again and was able to sit up fine. So of course, by the time the doctor listened to my heart it was all fine and regular. A little fast but regular. Good I guess, but then he said that they cannot diagnose the arrhythmia unless they catch it on an ECG and since it was regular now he could only tell me to contact my regular doctor for follow-up. GREAT!

He went ahead and did an ECG right then to make sure and to get a baseline. But yea, it was normal by then. Kinda frustrated me that if they had done the ECG first, that they would have a record of it.

As I was being hooked up with all of the wires, Eric asked "Do you want me to take a picture for the blog?". Since I felt like crap and was in a gown open in the front, I declined. I know, how prudish of me. How thoughtful of him to ask though! The technician said I could have a copy of the report though, so here you go.... my heart on a page.

Stream of Consciousness

2009-02-06T07:59:00.000-08:00

Typing one handed so I don't do permanent nerve damage to my right hand.
I'm right handed so this is difficult.
Sleeping in a night brace makes it feel much better by morning.
Not allowed to pick up the kitties because they are over 10 pounds, and they keep asking why and I can't seem to get them to understand.
Even with a brace and trying to type all day one handed, I still manage to over use it.
I think I over used it just taking a shower and brushing my teeth this morning because it's already achy.
Eating is difficult, Maybe I'll eat less and loose some of the 10 pounds I put on in the last 2 months.
This is doubtful.
My boss's boss threatened to send me home and disable my remote access if he caught me using my right hand again.
I have good managers.
I associate my self-worth with my work too much that it's killing me that my work is not getting done.
It's rainy today.
I should be happy about this, but instead I see it as wet and cold and grey.
My arm hurts and I feel whiny.
I'm reading a Suze Orman book about what to do now that the economy SUCKS. It's freaking me out that we have avoided organizing our finances since we got married and are not in a good situation.
Woo!
I have to realize that taking the time to make my meals is necessary.
And bringing lunch to work and then still going out to eat and wasting said lunch does not help.
It's probably not good when your co-worker's girl,who is a market analyst, writes to say that our Company's earnings call makes it sound like lay-offs are coming.
We've gotten through this before, we can do it again.
My thoughts sound depressing.
My train ride is about over and I'm not looking forward to walking to work in the grey, cold, wetness.
I miss knitting.
I hate sounding so blue, because I'm not. Not all the time.
Last night I cried and was thankful my husband held me. He's good like that.
Today I'm tired but am charged up to get some work done....one handed.
I'm looking forward to a lunch of Dim Sum to ring in the New Year and get to know some co-workers I don't really know.
I hope they don't all speak Chinese the whole time because that is one of the things my father didn't teach me.
Just realized I can't use chopsticks with my wrist situation.
I'll be eating Dim Sum with a fork which seem so wrong.
I'm not that good with chopsticks anyway.
My father gave up on that one too.
My laptop battery is running low.
I had this really great chat with my friend yesterday.
I'm very thankful for her.
I don't keep in touch with friends really, unless they are online. I find that sad.
Thanks to being online all the time I have made some really great friends I would have likely never 'met'.
I hope this wrist business heals up quickly because I have much to write about.
Well, my laptop battery is about done with me and the train ride is almost over so I shall try to quiet my brain for a few moments to let my left hand rest and to prepare for the day.
Ha! My brain is never quiet, so I'll just have to force this to end.

Happy weekend all!

Paining

2009-02-03T07:34:00.000-08:00

So we all know that I've been a bit of a bummer 'round these parts. Well here is some more bumming news....why stop the trend right?
While I haven't been posting much anyway, I might have to take a real break.

Last Thursday after a long day at work, I noticed a dull pain in my right wrist. Then on Friday it got worse and some of my finger tips got all weird and felt numb and tingly and the pain moved up to my elbow. I stayed off the computer over the weekend and tried to rest it. I read a book almost all Saturday (and napped - Awesome!) but even that hurt it. I wanted to bake cookies for the Super Bowl, but mixing and dishing and dipping them in chocolate was too much wrist action. Needless to say I'm writing this all left handed because I over-used it again doing just one more (or 20) things yesterday.

A massage therapist friend massaged and poked around and he basically said, "You've really F@#$ed this up". Let's hope NOT!

I have a doctor appointment later today. Wish me luck.

**Update**
Icing, heating, using a brace and VERY limited keyboarding. Hopefully being kind to my arm will let some swelling go down will help everything heal. Typing with one hand is a little too slow to do much posting :-( also no knitting which is OK since I stopped a few weeks ago when my left hand was starting to hurt. oh and chopsticks?.... no way.

Done with Being Down

2009-02-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow would have been our 18 week Ultrasound appointment. When we would have found out the sex of the baby. Instead, I'm back to peeing on sticks. I had a feeling the shoulda-been blues would hit me during this time, or I should say get worst because they haven't really gone away.

I know I was all upbeat sounding back in December. That this was just a little delay. A little bump in the road. And while I still feel that way, it sucks. Pregnancy and babies surround me. While I don't actively tear up, I do feel pangs of .... SIGH! I don't really feel jealousy. Nor regret. I guess it's frustration and worry. Worry of having to go through that again.

What really gets me are stories of parents. Of loss. Of changes in plans. New beginnings are still joyful and exciting. I am truly happy for those around me who are starting or adding to their families. I will talk about placentas, and sore boobs, and the importance of staying hydrated. Of co-sleepers and brands of diapers, and what diaper bags to buy so that daddy is cool carrying it. And also for the random stranger who is just starting to show or about to pop. But I also feel a sense of wallowing. That I'm feeling sorry for myself. For us. For our little one. And this is going on a little too long.

I know this happens to a lot of people. It happens all the time. I know it could be a one time thing and all will be perfect next time. But I wonder if I'm strong enough to get through this time. To get to the next time. To get through the worry which will undoubtedly overwhelm me next time.

I know no one knows. Know one knows what and when and if the next time will happen. But I know I need to be strong, but I also need to be honest in order to be real, to heal, to be whole. I'm bummed and I'm sick of it.

Call me Linda Blair

2009-01-25T21:14:00.000-08:00

I admit, I've never seen The Exorcist and I do not EVER plan on it, but I am aware that there is a scene where the young Linda Blair's head spins. Tonight I feel like this might happen at anytime. I am feeling really really irritable tonight and am just waiting for some small thing to set me off. The announcer on the Winter X-Games Eric is watching and/or Eric making comments about the cooking show I was watching was getting me really close, but I resisted because I knew it was a stupid reaction to nothing.

Wheee!

One irritation point of my Sunday evening is that I made this really awesome corn bread last month and apparently didn't write it down or save the link or where ever I got the recipe. I know I adjusted it, and I recall there were reviews of the recipe which tells me it was on the net. But with all I remember about it, I can't find it. I've been looking for it for well over an hour and still nothing that seems right.

GRUMBLE!

Meanwhile I have a chili simmering away. Now I truly love a LONG simmered chili, so this time is not wasted at all. But still... it is getting too late for dinner and still NO RECIPE. Yea, maybe I'm obsessing on this whole cornbread thing, but it was that good.

I have since given up on the recipe finding and have tried out the Better Homes &Gardens recipe with some adjustments. We'll see how it tastes (it's currently enjoying it's brief cooling time before we dive into our 9:30pm Sunday dinner). At least I already have all of the various dishes cleaned and the only thing we'll have to deal with is the chili pot and the cornbread pan.

Oh SNAP! I still have a load of laundry I have to do before tomorrow morning. I have a feeling I'm going to have a really tough Monday morning.

Cornbread Update: It turned out squat, dense and greasy. I admit I did up the butter a touch, but not enough to make that much difference. Sigh. Dont' worry, I'll eat it anyway.
Oh and I put diced raw onion in my bowl of chili because usually I love it and I have brushed my teeth 4 times and I can still taste it! EWW!!!

Overwhelmed by Procrastination

2009-01-23T09:33:00.000-08:00

Have you ever found yourself with a situation on your hands where it starts off very minor and could take no more then 5 minutes to clear up and be done with. And then you don't deal with it right then and it gets worse, and worse, and it becomes easier to not deal with it then to face it. And when you try to face it, starting the process is overwhelming and walking away to deal with it later just feels easier. Yes, I'm a procrastinator.

I have been feeling like this is a constant in my life. Some situations are minor, some major and some just feel like they are there all the time nagging me to get my act together. Some take physical effort, others it is mainly brain work or cooperation of multiple brains, but all take time. Perhaps this is just part of being an adult and having responsibilities. I look around me and I feel like there are so many people who seem to really have it together. But then I figure everyone has stuff they probably aren't dealing with, but it is how they cope with what goes undone.

I guess you can say I'm a perfectionist, and I have a hard time letting things go (you've probably figured that out by now). I'm working on that. Don't ask me how... but I am. I have to.

This past weekend was full of procrastination, and then on Monday both my husband and I jumped up and spun around the house taking care of lots of those little annoying things, the weekly chorey things, and some not so little and overwhelming things and we both felt so much better when we went to bed that night. Now if we can only do that with organizing our finances, setting financial goals and getting a tax person, and I'll feel WAY better.

I Can't Believe I Did It!

2009-01-19T16:00:00.000-08:00

About four years ago I started using this photo sharing site called Flickr, some of you may have heard of it. I was really getting into it. Sometimes I was trying to "compose" shots and tried to get all artsy but then most of the time I filled my account with snap shots of whatever I did that day. At one point I got really self conscious and only wanted really good photos up there (because I wanted to turn my little point and shoot hobby into something more artistic) and then I didn't really care because I wanted to just use it as a sort of photo book to share and to remember.

I had paid for a few years of a Pro account but in Nov of 2007 totally stopped updating it. I hadn't stopped taking pictures but I was no longer carrying my camera every where I went. And the time to sort and choose which ones to upload seemed to have gone away. I was bummed because I enjoyed that part of my life, plus I had already paid for the service.

I also have a Picasa photo account, but there I have an storage limit since it's free. I started using that site for photos of work events so I could keep my work and personal photos separate. I enjoy some of the features of Picasa, but since I've already paid for Flickr and it's unlimited storage I feel I should use it.

And now, we recently purchased a new camera, so I'm hoping to take my pictures to the "next level" whatever that may be. I'd still like to have a place to share them so what now?

Do I let Flickr end where it is and just use the blog as my photo sharing site which I'll then of course be limited to Picasa's limits again?
Do I research other photo hosting options? Perhaps host it myself?
Do I return to Flickr and start updating it from now on out?
Do I go back through a year of photos and upload the photos I never got around to uploading?

Well, crazy me spent my Sunday going through various external hard drives and camera memory cards to come up with A LOT of photos to share. I found photos from 2006 through the present which I wanted to share with family, friends and whoever. I decided to return to the way of Flickr and started the long evening of uploading. The photostream is somewhat in chronological order, but mostly the sets are where I spend my organizing time. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it more up to date from here on out. (yea right)

Go on over and check them out. There are 16 pages of new ones to peruse.

Lunching with Starshine

2009-01-18T12:09:00.000-08:00

As some of you in the blogesphere know, our lovely Starshine is moving soon. She currently lives in Southern California, but will soon be packing up her and her husband's things to start their new adventure back in her home state of Texas. She has some family up in the SF Bay Area, so she hopped on a plane and headed up north for the weekend.

While she was up here, a few of us Bay Area Blogger had the chance to meet up with her for lunch. J, Dot and I had a wonderful time chatting with her over some yummy Mexican food and Margaritas.

Starshine and Dot had never met in person before, so this was a first time reunion of sorts which was a long time coming. J and I had met up with her in 2007 at her bridal shower, but Dot was unable to attend that day. She has become a very special friend to us all so a meeting up before moving to Texas was a must.

Through blogging we have all connected in so many way. Recently, Starshine and I each received the same camera for Christmas so we did a lot of camera talk and asking each other advice on what we have learned so far. We are both beginners and are eager to learn how to use all of the new tools to express our creative sides. I'm sure we bored J and Dot when we'd suddenly start spouting off about this lens and that setting. I have a feeling you'll be seeing more and more photos on both of our blogs.

We spent the entire afternoon together and could have easily continued talking all night long. But alas, other family members would like to spend some time with her too and we had a bit of a drive back across the bay to spend time with our own families. Sigh.

We hope this will not be the last time we get to spend time with her. She is quite a gem.
Thank you Starshine for making the trek up north. We wish you and your hubby lots of luck and happiness on this next chapter of your lives.

Mental Note: I should try to get in front of the camera occasionally

Husband Done Good!

2009-01-08T08:10:00.000-08:00

As I've noted before, my husband considers gifts to be a big deal. He puts much thought and research into gifts for me. He's also very sneaky and pays close attention to my constant blah blah blahing to pick out the perfect gift.

Apparently he had really been listening to me talk about my on again off again knitting hobby and how I never realized how expensive it would be. Not as much for the yarn (although my yarn stash has become insane and only a year ago I didn't understand why people made such a fuss about the size of their yarn stashes... I understand now), but for the needles. I didn't realize that each knitting project/yarn combo could require a new needle size I hadn't yet acquired. And even though I was buying kinda crappy craft store needles, there costs still add up. Oh, and then I started needing different cable lengths for the same size needles I already had. Or started needing different styles of needles for more advanced projects. Each project was costing more and more.

Yes, I realize my non-knitting readers (all but 1 of you) probably aren't following my knitty babble, but I must explain this information for you to understand why my husband is so awesome.

My husband heard my absent minded grumbling when realizing I needed to go back to the store again because I needed a different needle, heard me complain about the cost, how I preferred bamboo, how knitting on the train was easiest with circular needles, and how my new love of making hats requires new needles with shorter cables and apparently heard me mention needle sets with interchangeable cable lengths.... because my Christmas present arrived on our doorstep this week (delivery delayed by a shipping blunder)
KA Bamboo Interchangeable Circular Needle set from Japan
Sizes US 5-15
Cables to create lengths ranging from 16-53"
All in a very cute and handy fabric caseAll of the sets I had seen don't go as small, contain as wide of a range of needles and cables and most were metal needles. Much research he did, and reviews look promising.

Thanks my love!
Off to knit.

P.S. Since Donna is likely the only one who is still reading this (she taught me to knit), I want to let her know that I also just made the leap from craft store yarn to the real stuff. Cascade Leisure Bulky (50%Alpaca/50%Cotton) to be made into a hat for my SIL (maybe). My first HANK and they even wound it for me. Found here. Smallish selection compared to other LYS's I've been to but VERY nice staff. And lots of sample projects to fondle and get ideas from.

Knitting Weee!

Wordless Wednesday - Vacation Edition

2009-01-07T00:27:00.000-08:00

Cars and Coffee (or steamed milk for me)

2009-01-06T08:32:00.000-08:00

Today my car is in the shop. It's there often. Not so much for fixing broken things, but more for maintenance. By sticking to the schedule my car maker so lovingly put together for me (every 10k miles) and driving a 100 mile a day commute, my car is costing me more then it should. Even though I'm trying to take the train more and more, the miles still seem to add up quickly.

Oh sure, it has never broken down, and it gets great mileage for a 9 year old car (still getting at least 33mpg), this maintenance is killing my budget (if I theoretically was organized enough to have one). I suppose the servicing may be why it has continued to run so well, but at the same time I'm probably stupid to be continuing to bring it to a dealer service center to pay their inflated prices. Maybe I'll GET it washed today too, since I'm already throwing money at it.

So today I am working from a Starbucks a few blocks from the dealer. Sadly, there is only one non-big-name cafe in downtown Walnut Creek and they have terribly uncomfortable chairs. I sat there for 5 hours the last time, and my back just wouldn't let me do it again. I walked by it and it was dead empty. Kind of sad. They have tons of power outlets though, so if the crowded Starbucks I'm in gets too much for me to handle, I may wander down there for a few hours.

Perhaps a tour of all of the Starbucks (4 total), Barnes and Noble, Pete's, Saxby's is in order for today. There's nothing like a change of scenery to make the day go by.

First Day Back

2009-01-05T18:25:00.000-08:00

Today is my first day back. First day back to real life. First day back to work in the office after a 2 week vacation and a week to be at home while waiting and coping. My co-workers were great to pick up my mess to get through some looming deadlines, and today I get to see what has become of it all. I did not check e-mail once in the last 2 weeks.... work email that is. And my other personal email accounts, were only checked occasionally. It was great to be unplugged for so long. I'm trying to figure out if I missed it. Any of it.

In the last 3 weeks, my life changed and yet it has also gotten back to normal. I feel "normal" and I look "normal" but I am changed none-the-less. I have dealt with our loss the only way I knew how, by ignoring it and being upbeat and all business about it. And then when I thought I was doing fine, I broke down. When the opportunity arose to start trying again I lost it. I wasn't ready. I'm not ready to go through that again. Eric had no idea what was going on because I had pushed my hurt so far down he only saw the light of the future. My grief brought up his grief and we spent the first few days of the year just being in that place.

2 weeks ago we flew out to the East Coast to be with Eric's family for Christmas. They were absolutely great about everything. We only get to see them once a year if not every other year. Eric's nieces are growing so fast (3 and 9), so it was fun to reconnect with them and to see all that has changed. As always, we had a great time with Eric's sister, brother-in-law and his mother.

We rented a cottage in New Hampshire for the week of Christmas and spent the bordering days in Massachusetts at Eric's sister's house. Lots of cooking and eating of the kinds of snack foods I don't usually buy for our house. Chips and Dip are my and my hips friend. Mugs of hot chocolate with piles of whipped cream were almost constantly in my hands. We made comfort foods, built big fires, and stayed very cozy in the cottage when we weren't out in the snow or shopping for those last minute gifts.

We had a beautiful White Christmas, and lots of fun playing in the snow. The day of our arrival at the cottage was one of the most exciting as we discovered just how much the Honda Odyssey and Accord are not equipped to go up a hill of ice to the driveway of the cottage (the Accord got much further then the Odyssey). Unloading 2 cars with enough luggage and groceries for a week AND Christmas presents for 7 people and carrying it all up an icy hill in the dark... AWESOME! Of course the boys were able to get the cars up the hill with a few bags of salt and sand, after the cars were completely empty. We were snowed in the second day which was a welcomed calm way to start the week. We got to see sunny days, snowy storms and freezing rain in that week. It really was a wonderful time where time seemed to go slowly at first and then magically the week was gone. Sigh... hopefully we'll be able to return again in a few years.

Last week my company opted to shut down the US/Canada offices for the week, so while unplanned, I got another week off (using vacation time of course). I was going to sort and purge and organize. Our house was going to feel light and chaos free. I was going to go through the last year of photos I've never sorted through or published on Flickr, and I was going to renew my Flickr account for that matter. I was going to see friends and catch up on all sorts of things. Well... I saw a few friends, and this morning I finished the last load of vacation laundry (it wasn't that much it just got easier and easier to walk around the sorted piles of clothes on the floor). Yesterday I even processed all of our photos from the vacation. Hey, getting through 1 week of photos is a dent into the 15 month and growing backlog. The drawers, freezer, closets and pantry are still a total mess, but I'll get to them someday.

Oh, I should mention that after the miscarriage, we did a little self-pity shopping and bought ourselves a camera. It was a planned purchase to get for the baby, so we decided to get good at it now for the next time. It's not super fancy, but it is my first experience with something that doesn't fit in my purse. Let's just say that I had thousands of photos to go through from our 10 day vacation and I was only in about 2% of them. I think I love it. It has an issue with the video out port, so it will be getting returned this week. But this time I know a little bit more about it and will be choosing the lenses instead of just taking whatever kit lens they packaged with it.

So that's a little update on how my Holidays played out, and how my new year began. I truly hope that yours was as full of warmth, family, fun and memories... but hopefully you got through those lofty ideas of doing stuff around the house.

Hope your first day back was smooth going and over painlessly!

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T14:25:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Everyone!

I'll write up a little update soon.... all is well 'round these parts and I hope everything is well with you!

Off to J's house now to celebrate J Day! I'll let her know that you are all celebrating her birthday too!

And Now It's Over

2008-12-17T17:55:00.001-08:00

It was sad and surreal and painful. Ok... it is still surreal (and still sad and sadly, even still painful but hopefully all of that will subside). I've seen the doctor and will not need to go through the surgical procedure.

Not a chapter in my life I had ever expected, but I really hope it is over now and I can feel a sense of closure on the last 3 months. Not the expected ending, but it's the way it is.

I have never felt anger through all of this, because I don't feel there is anyone to blame. It's just something that happens sometimes and happens more then anyone would like to know. It's more a bummer than anything. A delay. A change in the plans.

Today I cried, and I'll likely cry some more. But even as I said goodbye (ok, maybe I'll cry right now) I am very hopeful for the future. I know far too many people who have gone through this, some a few times, and who have multiple very healthy and happy children.

It will happen. Just a little later then we had hoped.

Still Waiting....

2008-12-16T21:23:00.001-08:00

Thank you to everyone who have called, emailed, messaged, commented and to those who have kept us in your thoughts. We are still keeping really close to home and honestly, I just don't know how I'm going to react if I see someone who knows what we are dealing with. Not seeing people is letting me stay in my bubble of feeling like I'm coping and dealing and all of that. I suppose I'll find out soon enough because we'll be spending the holidays with Eric's family.

I would especially like to thank the friends who have shared their experiences with me and those who have allowed me to share my experience with them. So few people talk about miscarriage... which I TOTALLY get, but you see I'm a "verbal processor" and I always seem to need to talk and talk and talk in great detail of what I'm dealing with and what I should expect. Even just knowing that people have gone through this has helped a great deal. In a way I feel so alone, but every person who has shared their story with me also have kids.... which again gives us great hope. This is a time when friends have been so utterly important.

So we are still here, and still just waiting. While yesterday was what I thought was going to be my hell day, the day of pain I experienced stopped in the evening without anything happening and I have a feeling what I experienced is so minor compared to what "it" could really be like. Thankfully doctors like to prescribe narcotics so is tolerable and I'm thankful our neighbors work during the day so they don't think someone is being beaten over here. Drugs are weird though as didn't expect I would want to giggle and run around with my arms flailing wildly 25 minutes after popping a pill. The pain still shows through which keeps me pretty grounded to the couch all day long. Oh wait.. that's where I've been for the last week. Today has been constant lower level pain with the occasional moment of being doubled over with a squeal, but still nothing is really happening. In a way I'm sort of getting used to the waves of pain, but mostly I'm just done with it all.

With that I need to also put out some ginormous kudos to my husband. While a tad bit of hovering has been going on, this is his way of coping. He's protecting me and providing for me anyway I let him. I'm such an independent person, so sometimes it's hard for me to accept help. I'm working on it though. He's been completely awesome and I hope I have been able to provide the emotional support he needs as well.

I just want to move past this all day pain. Just waiting to move on.

With the Good... sometimes comes the not so good.

2008-12-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

Last June, Eric and I planned for our wonderfully casual and love filled day of our wedding - Good! What we didn't plan for was me hemorrhaging at the rehearsal. Oh yea.. AWESOME, but not so good.

The day of the wedding was exhausting and totally lovely, and the best thing was that we ended the day becoming our own little 2 person family. GOOD! But then we didn't get to go on our honeymoon because the day after the wedding, my body decided to pick up where it left off at the rehearsal. The night before we were to fly out to Hawaii, we spent the night in the ER while I received 4 pints of O+, a diagnosis that surgery was unavoidable, and the news that our eminent trip to Hawaii would be ill advised. Not so good.

Then in August I had said surgery which was deemed a success. GOOD! But we wouldn't know if I would be able to get pregnant until we tried which was NOT ALLOWED for at least a year. Not So Good.... but hopeful!

Then this past July we were given the go ahead to start trying. GOOD!
And trying was fun, and frustrating, and calculated, and brought us together, and well... Good, but sometimes not as good.

A few months go by and lots of sticks were pee'd on between ovulation monitors and I'm-not-even-late-yet-but-why-not pregnancy tests. One morning I casually pee'd on another stick and got in the shower (by now a familiar routine). We were both in the bathroom a tad later, brushing our teeth or applying make-up (I'm pretty sure I had the make-up and Eric had the tooth brush), and then I looked down at the pee'd upon stick. TWO LINES! GOOD! GOOD! GOOD! GOOD!

Didn't even know this would be possible! YAY GOOD!

Doctor was called. Ultrasounds were checked to make sure the placement was good as there was high risk of eptopic pregnancy after the surgery. The location wasn't too close to my surgical scar or other existing fibroid (grumble there is already another fibroid), so they shouldn't cause any problems. All looked good! Even a tiny little flutter of a heartbeat was there.
GOOD!
Boobs sore - check
all day nausea - check
pants slowly not fitting anymore - check
baby books piled on the night stand - check

All looking good.
Even got to cancel the fertility tests which were scheduled to begin that very month. WOO!

THEN.....

Second Ultrasound. Ohh! The squiggly image on the screen is way bigger, even baby shaped with little legs and things! Strong heartbeat (all three of us!). The size is a good half week smaller then expected, but that's ok, every one is a little different. That's a heartbeat! The heartbeat is the important part! Excitement grows because I feel we can finally tell family. I can finally tell the story on my blog! DYING not being able to write this down for you fine people! I've been planning for months to tell you all! I have pictures of positive pregnancy tests and scanned in ultrasound pictures and all sorts of little cute stories to tell of picking names and dreams and fun stuff.
Good! Good! Good!

Thanksgiving comes and my parents are here, and I tell my parents. A few days later I call my brother. A few days later I tell people at work, even though my boss knew because I had one particularly bad morning sickness week.
GOOD!
Eric decided to wait to tell his family when we are with them for Christmas. Well.. not exactly what I was hoping for because that means waiting another month for the blog. Still Good!

This week....

I start spotting some brown stuff. It's ok, lots of people spot! I would normally be getting my period today. It's all good right? Advice nurse schedules an appointment for the next day but since its hardly anything there's no worry. Let's just get checked out just in case. To be safe, let's do a semi-bed rest. Yea.. ok. Bed rest. Uh... not so good.

Hours before the appointment, its not brown stuff anymore, it's blood but still very very little. Yea, that's still ok right? RIGHT?
Appointment time comes. My doctor wasn't available so I have some new man saying things to me, and poking and looking and reassuring me. Then another ultrasound (I'm old hat at this now). More poking, some prodding to "wake it up", but its small. like 2 weeks ago small. And it's not moving. We just see my heartbeat in the image getting harder and harder. I ask what if questions and what's next and options and things were schedules, and my arm was continuously stroked by new Dr. man.
NOT SO GOOD! NOT GOOD AT ALL! BAD! VERY BAD!

A formal ultrasound was scheduled with the big fancy machine at the imaging lab to confirm the diagnosis (isn't that a terribly cold word?). Technician knows I already know, and my fancy OB surgical doctor was certain of the diagnosis but said to go through with the ultrasound because they can get a report on the fibroid in there. Technician and I get along great. I'm able to laugh, relax and just go with it. Half way through she gets really quiet and moves more slowly, asks a few questions tenderly, and then its over.
Confirmed.
Sigh. It's not so bad anymore. Not good, but time has given me the ability to get used to the idea.

So I sit at home now. Waiting. Waiting for my body to catch up with what is going on and to do the natural thing. The last scan shows development stopped at 8.5 weeks, only a few days after the previous scan, possibly a few days after Thanksgiving. It's been two weeks, and it is apparent that my body doesn't get it and I will have to have a D&C. The procedure is already scheduled, but it is still a week out. And joy of joys.... we fly out to the East Coast the very next morning to be with Eric's family for Christmas, which was when we were supposed to be telling them our joyous news.

But during this time, I still have to wait. Just in case my body suddenly decides it has figured it all out and puts me through what I hear to be a very messy, emotionally exhausting, and painful hell. After which I will hopefully feel a sense of relief and emotional closure. I'm not about to go through that at the office or in the middle of my commute, which is 1.5 hours away from my comfy blankets and loving kitties and do-anything-he-can-possibly-do-for-me husband, so the wonderful people I work with are letting me work from home or to not work but to be at home when I just can't keep thinking about schedules and issues and designs which seem so very unimportant right now.

So in all of this, we now know we CAN get pregnant (GOOD!) but this time all of the little miracles that needed to happen perfectly to make the most wonderful of miracles, didn't happen in that perfect way. (not so good)

Sigh.

Another blog post at 1am. WOO!!

2008-12-08T01:00:00.000-08:00

The reason why naps after a lovely lazy meal of Dim Sum with friends is not such a good idea.... I SHOULD BE SLEEPING!
Between the nap which left me rested and energized and the Internets playing their "surf here, now surf there, click this link I dare you" game, I again find myself here at the wrong time of day.

Although I'm thankfully starting to feel tired and will quickly drift off in slumber because my alarm will go off at 6am regardless of the amount of sleep I've had, I still want to share the little treasure of what is right beside me.

That's Mousy on the bottom of the pile of cuteness touching Eric's sleeping head, and Cosmo on top using Mousy's butt as a lovely squishy pillow.

So cute, I had to share.

and yes... they are BIG cats.

I Am an Adult. I Am an Adult.

2008-12-04T03:20:00.001-08:00

Yea yea, whatever. It's 3:30am and I'm awake, with laptop on lap and downstairs in a cold townhouse (my toes are freezing). I think I woke up at 1-something am. Stupid work thoughts wouldn't leave my head so I came downstairs just to write the frickers down so I can get some sleep. Of course then I realized I had not saved my ToDo list from the last time I did this (Tuesday), and I had to sit here and try to remember all of those items too! Grrr!

Then Facebook happened, emails, blog posts to read... UGH, I'm insane!

So while I'm sitting here, about ready to give sleep another go, I heard something. A sort of thumping/bumping sound outside the front door. Immediatly, I get scared. I stare closely at the front door to see if it's locked, phew it is. I look to see if the window blinds to the front of the house are closed, they sure are. I then recognize the sound as our security screen door not securing a darn thing and being wide open and the wind banging it on the wall (darn post man!). Will I go open the front door to close it? NO! Do I have a scared-of-the-monsters-under-my-bed feeling in my tummy... YES! Do I realize I'm an adult and there are no monsters under my bed, YES but I still don't like them and will not look under the bed to check!

Yes, I realize these are irrational fears (and yes I still do not like hallways in the dark and will always turn on the light in the bathroom for fear of Bloody Mary (and yes, I just got the willies when I looked up Bloody Mary and google brought back images and I immediately had to clear my google search cache because I don't want 'IT' remembering that search)).

and no, I still cannot watch scary/thriller movies because I WILL pull those fears into my life and dreams, and yes the 'Thriller' video scared me and I'm still not a fan although I know the dance!

Are there still remnants of your childhood fears lurking in your mind?

I DID IT! Again!

2008-11-30T02:08:00.001-08:00

And so another November full of posts ends. 3rd year trying, 2nd year successful.

This year, it wasn't really hard at all. Considering I've hardly posted this year, and switching into posting everyday was strangely an easy transition. I think it made it so much easier because I didn't stress about it. It was more just a matter of fact. "Honey, I gotta got write a post, be right back." was heard often.

I don't know if I'll keep it up in December, we'll see. I don't feel compelled to do it nor do I feel burnt out.

Here are some updates on some posts from this month:

Felled Down and Felled Down Update: Oddly enough, my foot still hurts. My big toe joint seems to be the main issue, although all of the toes are not quite right on that foot. I can't go up on my toes (not even downward dog), and I can't jog, and I can only do short walks (1 mile max). I'm gonna try to get to the doctor next week just to make sure something bad isn't going on.

We'll See: The hair color... yea, it's fine. The bright red/burgandy has faded and it's looking pretty good.

Is It Worth It?: NOPE! I totally slept in. If I happen to of woken up I might have gone to hit the sales but I totally had a lazy Friday at home. It was awesome!

Hope all of you who took the challenge had a good time, and those of you who didn't take the challenge but read along, I hope I didn't totally bore you!

On to December!

100 Foods Meme

2008-11-29T11:28:00.000-08:00

I found this food meme over at J's blog, and well I'm never one to turn down a food meme.

Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
Optional extra: Post a comment here at www.verygoodtaste.co.uk linking to your results.

1. Venison - The gamier the better!

2. Nettle tea - Eric picked the stinging nettles and made a lovely tea out of it. Unfortunately he wasn't careful and some brushed against his leg while picking. Ouchy!

3. Huevos rancheros - One of my favorite breakfasts! I still remember my first time having this was at my High School Senior breaksfast. We had it at a Mexican restaurant and hired a commedian. Good fun!

4. Steak tartare - Oh, yummy! While I can usually do without the egg, do enjoy this dish. I had Kobe tartare once on a busines trip with a quail egg. It was rich and delicious.

5. Crocodile - I had this in Texas, breaded and fried. Well maybe it was allegator, but that's close enough right?

6. Black Pudding - Blech. Generally I stay away from the congelled blood items.

7. Cheese fondue - My mom made this a few times growing up and I've made it at home too but I can only eat so much. I've always wanted to go to a REAL fondue place where you get the whole meat in oil or broth fondue and the chocolate fondue too! I still think about it and REALLY want to go. Someday.

8. Carp - Yup. My dad used to cook carp all the time.

9. Borscht - I've had a few kinds of borscht. My favorite is white or green borsct although I do enjoy a good beet borsct. There is a little Russian/Ukranian restaurant a few blocks from my work and I love going up there on a cold day.

10. Baba ghanoush - Although sometimes I find that it has a bit of a stinging taste to it, sometimes Eggplant is like that, I always enjoy it.

11. Calamari - Preferably fried please! Salt and Pepper Squid is a favorite dish of mine.

12. Pho - I have Pho at least once a month, but I usually get BBQ Pork Bun (vermaceli) when I get Vietnamese. Which I have at least once a week. AT LEAST!

13. PB&J sandwich - Most recently made with the plum jam I made over the summer.

14. Aloo gobi - Mmmm!

15. Hot dog from a street cart - Any chance I get!

16. Epoisses - Had to look this one up. I've never had it, but I'd try it. I've never met a cheese I couldn't appreciate. I may not gobble it up, but I'd try it.

17. Black truffle - The last day of culinary school, one of our chefs brought in his personal little stash of black truffles and made us a most esquisite truffle risotto. We were all clammering that in all the while in school we were never given the opportunity to try truffles. We were an awesome class so he personally made sure we got to try it. Since then I've had it at a few birthday dinners and at home I have a black truffle oil but no real truffle in my budget.

18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes - We have a friend that makes blackberry wine. Its yummy!

19. Steamed pork buns - MY ALL TIME FAVORITE! Char Siu Bao was the first dim sum item I knew how to order. My father used to go to Chinatown on Sundays to pick up his weekly Chinese newspapers and would bring home pink boxes tied with string, full of these awesome buns. I would eat 2-3 after school. But he'd always make me steam them to reheat them. Microwaving them was just wrong. Probably the first thing he taught me how to steam.

20. Pistachio ice cream - I've had it a few times, even made it once. Mostly I get it in Spumoni though.

21. Heirloom tomatoes - I love late summer so I can get my hands on ripe heirlooms. My favorite summers were ones where Eric was working at an Organic Farm. Many tomato sandwiches were had those summers.

22. Fresh wild berries - Mostly I've had wild blackberries and huckleberries. We had many up in Canada this summer, and I still remember camping and spending a lot of time picking and eating berries. Hikes along trails with berries always go very slowly.

23. Foie gras - Yum! One of my favorite meals was one where my brother and SIL took me out in celebration of me graduating culinary school. I think every dish had foie gras! They even made us a special foie gras tart as an appitizer. I'd hate to of seen the bill on that meal!

24. Rice and beans - I didn't care for beans and rice as a kid, probably because the only rice I knew was white sticky rice. Now though, love the combo. Very comforting.

25. Brawn or Head Cheese - I've had it. It's not my favorite. I'd rather have a lovely mortedella or salami.

26. Raw Scoth Bonnet pepper - PAINFUL! I'd rather cook with it then eat it raw. I don't need my food to hurt but I do enjoy the heat in a dish. I only tried a tiny little bit and it was enough.

27. Dulce de leche - Adore it! So thick and yummy! I admit I've never made it, only bought it in a can.

28. Oysters - Love them raw or cooked. I used to only like them raw, but then I had an oyster burger at a place in Victoria, BC and now I'm hooked on the fried oyster sandwich.

29. Baklava - This is one of Eric's favorites. I used to find the honey to be too much but now I love it. It has to be light and crunchy though. The really dense varieties don't do it for me.

30. Bagna cauda - Another one I had to look up. I haven't had it but it sounds REALLY good!

31. Wasabi peas - Crunchy, sweet and spicy. Mmm

32. Clam Chowder in Soudough Bowl - Yum Yum Yum! I've done this at home and in restaurants but the best is always in San Francisco. Thankfully I live nearby, and used to work there. There was a Boudin's bakery only a few blocks from one of my offices and many a winter day I had this for lunch.

33. Salted Lassi - I know, it sounds odd but I like the Lassi drinks and recently I finally tried the Salted Lassi. It went so well with the spicy food. I've had sweet lassi's that were too sweet, so I much prefer a salted one over a too sweet one. Although I REALLY like the salted Indian lemonade if I can find it.

34. Sauerkraut - Adore it! Preferably with some sausage or pork roast.

35. Root beer float - As long as its scooped ice cream and not soft serve, this is a favorite treat. Coke floats and Orange Soda floats also rock.

36. Cognac - tasted it... don't need to anymore.

37. Clotted Cream Tea - I guess I've had this. I've put clotted cream in tea before if that's what it is.

38. Vodka Jelly/Jell-O - haha! Jello Shots! I've totally had these... at one point in time maybe a few too many.

39. Gumbo - Ohh! Eric's cousin recently got re-married in New Orleans. I had the BEST GUMBO ever! I also had some not so good Gumbo there. I prefer Jumbalyaya though.

40. Oxtail - Ohh! Oxtail soup! I've had multiple versions of this and have loved them all. Very homey and comforting.

41. Curried goat -I've had goat but never curried goat... that I know of. But I am a fan of curry so I bet I would enjoy this!

42. Whole insects - chocolate covered grasshoppers, ants and grubs. That's about it. Oh... well there was that tequilla worm once.

43. Phaal/span - I haven't had this one, but I would totally try it. But make sure I have a Lassi near by!

44. Goat’s milk - Mmmm yes. Rich! According to a recent Oprah show, apparently it's good for you too!

45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth $120 or more - Oh goodness, I don't remember how much the bottle was but it was A LOT! way more then $120, at least at the bar. Someone else was buying and even though I'm not a huge fan of whiskey, I tried it. It was better then the younger less expensive stuff.

46. Fugu (aka pufferfish) - Maybe someday when I'm off in Japan I'll try this. Living on the edge!

47. Chicken tikka masala - LOVE IT! This was my first favorite Indian dish. Probably because its so um.... American in flavors. :-)

48. Eel - I've had eel a few ways but most often in the form of Unagi. The bowl of tiny eels I could do without again.

49. Kispy Kreme original glazed donut - Eh. I've had many but if they aren't hot off the line then its not worth it. We call them "Hot Nows" in our household and we were very sad the night we went to get some "Hot Nows" and our local Krispy Kreme has closed. SO WRONG!

50. Sea urchin - I've had it. It's ok. There are other sea creature I'd rather eat. Like salmon!

51. Prickly pear - Oh I made prickly pear jelly a few years ago. and my mom brought us prickly pear jelly candies.... sorry mom, we threw them out. Too sweet! Eric has a prickly pear cactus which we are waiting to bloom and fruit.

52. Umeboshi - I had to look it up but YES! I've had it. I do prefer the Chinese variety more though. But that's probably because it's what I grew up with.

53. Abalone - I've had a few friends who would go Abalone diving and we'd have these lovely Abalone dinners. Very lovely.

54. Paneer - My brother makes a mean paneer.

55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal - And I call myself an American! I've never had a Big Mac! I've had many McDonald's items but never a Big Mac. I'd totally have one, but I tend to order other things.

56. Spaetzle - Anytime I'm at a German restaurant I'll order a side of Spaetzle. I call it "Spattle" though and it drives Eric crazy. Probably because he's German though. It's super easy to make from scratch.

57. Dirty gin martini - Dirty is the only way I like my martini's. Helps to cover up the gin ;-) I'd much rather have a vodka martini if i'm going that route.

58. Beer above 8% ABV - I don't drink much beer anymore but my friends make some pretty good home brews that are easily above 8%! Tasty!

59. Poutine - I've never had poutine but I WANT TO! I love fries and cheese curds and gravy so why not all of it together! I'm hoping someday I'll get to Eastern Canada so I can get the best.

60. Carob chips - Ahh yes, carob. I used to get this in trail mix and the kids that were allergic to milk always had carob. I'd much prefer chocolate anyday.

61. S'mores - For years I found these to be too sweet. But throw on a darker chocolate and I love it. We have few friends who have killer backyards and fire pits and we do smores with wine. It's the best parts of camping out but I still get to sleep in my own bed and take a hot shower!

62. Sweetbreads - I've had them a few times and when done well.... Very nice! Of course I also really like foie gras, so I get that people can't get passed the glandy part of it.

63. Kaolin - Uhh... never heard of it and even with the internet, I still don't really know what it is. Digestive aid huh? Well, I'm always a fan of helping with the tummy aches.

64. Currywurst - Well I like sausage and I like curry. Why not?

65. Durian - yea, I'm one of the people who like Durian. Sure it smells very strong and tastes of onion, garlic, bananas and other tropical fruits all rolled into one. Oh and the texture is squishy, but I like it!

66. Frogs legs - I've never had it, but I MIGHT try it.

67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake - I LOVE FRIED DOUGH!

68. Haggis - I had it at a Scottish wedding... umm yea.

69. Fried plantain - As long as it is fried up really well, then its really tasty. If its not cooked all the way through, its chaulky and woody.

70. Chitterlings, or andouillett - I've never had chitterlings but I'd try them. I mean, they are fried! And I like "natural casing", so why not.

71. Gazpacho - Perfect summer soup. So flavorful, especially with a splash of really good olive oil.

72. Caviar and blini - Mmmm! I spent a few years catering fancy dinners and I have mad thousands of blini and put together fancy little caviar bites of goodness. If I accidentally made one a little less then round, well I had to get rid of the evidence... with a dollop of creme fraiche and caviar of course.

73. Louche absinthe - I have friends who manage to get their hands on absinthe.. like real absinthe. I'd probably taste it but not DRINK it.

74. Gjetost, or brunost - Again, have never seen a cheese I didn't at least try.

75. Roadkill - Umm... not on purpose unless I was starving... like REALLY starving.

76. Baijiu - I'd sip. You know to try it.

77. Hostess Fruit Pie - Blackberry was my favorite!

78. Snail - Uh, butter and garlic in a shell... with a little chewy bit. SURE! But its a delicacy, not a meal for sure!

79. Lapsang souchong -Many Many cups full!

80. Bellini - Mmmm white peach and champagne. Yum!

81. Tom yum - My first Thai food favorite! Adore this soup! Eric often orders rice so he can stretch this very flavorful soup into a meal.

82. Eggs Benedict - This is my breakfast love. I judge a breakfast joint by its hollandaise but I must try it if they have it.

83. Pocky - There are so many flavors now! This is an office favorite treat. Very easy to share.

84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant - I've never been to a three-Michelin-star restaurnat but I'd LOVE to! I often get the tasting menu when out for a special meal and I really want to experience the chef's work.

85. Kobe beef - I've had it a few times, and I've also had Wagu Beef, which is the same kind of beef but hasn't been finished in Japan. It really is lovely as long as it isn't cooked beyond medium rare. Kobe tartar was probably the best!

86. Hare - Rabbit is like tender chicken. I've only had little ones, so I don't know if that would be considered "hare".

87. Goulash - I made this once for a report on Hungary. It was tasty.

88. Flowers - Love the edible flowers.

89. Horse - Hmm... I've never had it, but I wouldn't not if I were in a place where that's what they do. My brother said he got pizza in Italy that had horse on it.

90. Criollo chocolate - Oh YEA! I've had lots. Maybe too much.

91. Spam - Fried up with an egg and rice please! Oh, the spicy kind if you got it.

92. Soft shell crab - Spider roll was one of the first sushi rolls I ever tried. I rarely get it now because its a little expensive but its good!

93. Rose harissa - I don't know. know I've had Harissa sauce, but I don't know about rose harissa.

94. Catfish - Plenty of times and I think it tastes like the dirt they eat at the bottom of the crick. Yes I said Crick!

95. Mole poblano - Mmm Hmmm!

96. Bagel and lox - Yes please! I hate to pay for it, but I do love to eat it!

97. Lobster Thermidor - I love lobster, but I'd be afraid that the thermidor part would just loose out on the awesomeness that lobster is. Oh, but don't worry I'm sure I'd eat it and LOVE it!

98. Polenta - I go through stages where I'll make a ton of polenta. Of course I make it with a bunch of cream and cheese. Oh yea!

99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee - So nice! I'm not a coffee snob, but I will never pass up Jamaican Blue Mountain. It's very good.

100. Snake - Like crocodile, I've only have had it fried so it wasn't very distinctive.

Wow, that was surprising... and took a really long time. I have a lot of bold going on up there and not too many crossed out. I'm a fan of food and eating and trying things so it's not too surprising I guess.

TV Guilty Pleasure

2008-11-28T16:27:00.000-08:00

I watch my fair share of TLC shows and I they are a bit of a guilty pleasure... no obsession. That network is so marketed right at me. I'm not much for the reality shows of MTV or ABC, but give me a show about families living their lives they way they do everyday and I'm hooked. Sure, sure, they get endorsement deals from local companies ALL THE TIME but if they can work it, then power to them. These shows won't last forever so they need to squeeze everything they can out of them while they last. I mean, they are opening up their lives both the pretty and the ugly to be taped, edited and then for us to watch over and over again.

I started out watching TLC mainly for shows like 'What Not to Wear' and 'Trading Spaces' (which I'm so over!), but these family shows bring out the voyeur in me and I guess maybe my love of sociology. 'Little People, Big World' sucked me in really fast. Watching the kids grow up and the whole family dealing with adversity, different challenges and well... differing personalities. I found it fascinating.

And now, I fully admit I am one of the people out there who have fallen completely in love with the Gosselins from 'Jon & Kate Plus 8'. Sure they fight, and they don't always speak kindly to each other, but I love that they are REAL. Their kids are adorable (I want Asian babies!) and all very different. I realize there is a lot of controversy around them making money off of their kids, but I guess it's up to them and well... I am fully guilty of enjoying watching their kids grow up and Jon and Kate figuring out parenting with 8 kids. There is also a fair amount of "is this real" rumors, but whatever . Do what you gotta do!

Recently, TLC started airing a commercial campaign for their "Family Monday Nights" which I feel is so well done that I must share it here. The song is "Beautiful Life" by Fisher, which I was so happy to find and had to buy. The three shows they are promo'ing here are 'Jon & Kate plus 8', 'Little People, Big World', and the new 'Twins, Twins & Sextuplets' (so new, it doesn't even have a web page yet).

Then Jon and Kate had a few episodes showing their Vow Renewal in Hawaii. This commercial actually gets me choked up. I don't know if it's the loving smiles at the beginning, or the lighting, or more of this song which I love. Just a REALLY well produced 30 second spot.

I know, I know. Totally guilty!

BTW - if you look up these commercials on YouTube, many people have posted videos they took of their TV's. I guess we're not the only ones who thought they were well done. Eric and I actually TiVo'd the commercial and watched it multiple times. (CRAZY!)

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T23:31:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

And a belated Thanksgiving to my friends up North!

Tonight my parents came over for a fairly simple meal to celebrate Thanksgiving and my father's birthday. I forgot to make the rolls, and then I forgot to put the baked potatoes in to bake, the grill flamed up while I wasn't paying attention and put a little extra "color" and "crust of flavor" on the ribeyes, but in the end it all turned out just fine. We had a lovely meal, and visit.

The only sad part of the night was knowing my brother was up in Canada alone tonight. His wife went home for a surprise party for her mom and my brother had to work. I wish he could have come down to have dinner with us but the 20 hour drive was a bit much. Although I did ask! Multiple times! Maybe next year.

I hope you all had wonderful times with your families tonight.

Is it Worth It?

2008-11-26T22:01:00.000-08:00

Last night, we ventured out to get a few colder weather clothing items. Eric adores soft fleecy loungey pants and when he has them, he will wear them all winter. Over the years they have become more difficult to find. Usually Old Navy is our best bet, but they don't have them for long when they do carry them. So that's where we went.

While we were there he did find his pants (very happy boy! and one who will now wait for me to do my thing since he's had a successful trip).

I went wandering into the massive piles of denim to see about finding a new pair of jeans. I had gained some weight recently and out of my large stash of jeans, I've only been able to fit into a single pair. Yes, this means I've been doing laundry multiple times a week because this girl pretty much just wears jeans and t-shirts and when she only has one pair to wear.... well, you get the idea.

I had to dig through piles of jeans to find the style and size I like. While in the dressing room with my find, I overheard that all denim would be one sale 50% on Black Friday. Now I knew why there was such a mass of jeans all over the place, piled high on tables instead of in the normally pretty neat stacks. The manager was telling a woman she could bring her receipt back on Friday to get the price match, but she'd have to wait in like with everyone else.

I hemmed and hawed about coming back on Friday to try to dig through the stacks again to find my size/style or to come back with my receipt both while dealing with long lines and crowds (at 5am mind you!). While these jeans aren't designer jeans expensive, I don't sneeze at the $30 price tag. I decided to walk out with my full priced jeans and haven't decided if getting up at 5am and standing in line outside is worth the savings. I did get 2 pairs, so that would be like getting a pair for free. errrr... is my sleep and sanity worth it?

Will I even try to do any shopping on Friday?
Will you?

Working from Bed

2008-11-25T20:57:00.000-08:00

Today I started off tired... starting to sound like a broken record with that one, and I pretty much remained tired all day long. I was working from home today and pretty much stayed in bed. I already had my laptop at the ready next to me from checking on the late night blogger posts last night, so here is where I worked... oh yea, I'm back here again to read up on blogs and to write a little myself, though I promise you I did shower and leave the house for a short while.

I'm finding I'm in this position a whole lot lately. Laying here, with my laptop propped up just so typing away. Usually I have at least one cat squishing on me and keeping me company (my favorite part of working from home on occasion.). I had my handy phone with headset with me for my calls into meetings, and a jug of water by my side. I was set!

Funny how while I don't feel like I exert much more energy while I'm at the office, this whole working from bed thing finally left me sort of energized by the evening, instead of crashing the moment I got home from my commute. Don't worry, I'm still just about to fall asleep which I'm off to do now. Good night!

Too Loud!

2008-11-24T09:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Guy on the BART train with your mp3 player turned up really loud.

I CAN HEAR YOUR MUSIC AND I DON'T WANT TO! AND I SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CONSIDERING YOU ARE 5 ROWS OF SEATS AWAY FROM ME!

Seriously, this guy is a fair distance away from me and has ear buds in, but I can hear his music loud and clear. Now I'm not saying I don't like his music (though its not my taste) but the point of the ear phones is to keep the music to yourself. And if his music is that loud, I'm thinking his ears are not really enjoying being beat down upon.

Thankfully he got off the train only 20 minutes into my ride, as I would not have been able to stand that for the hour and a half. I was kinda trying to catch his eye to ask him to turn it down, but also kind of felt wrong to ask. Isn't that sad that we are all in our own little worlds that even though something someone else is doing is affecting me I didn't feel right to ask him to change his actions.

Sigh.

Oh, and now there is a guy behind me crunching on something really loud. Maybe I'm just sensitive and cranky today. (CLOSE YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU CHEW PLEASE!)

Grumble Grumble.

Early Thanksgiving

2008-11-23T19:51:00.000-08:00

Today I spent the day in the kitchen cleaning and cooking up a lovely Thanksgiving dinner for my mother. This is sort of her happy birthday dinner where she got to have a traditional turkey dinner. Since her birthday was last Thursday and Thursdays are her busiest days of her week, I didn't get to see her. And since next Thursday is Thanksgiving and its also my father's birthday, he got to pick what we are going to have for our family meal. And well... he thinks that all turkey is dry and unpleasant to eat so he always asks for beef for any special occasion. Because of this, my mom rarely gets her turkey which she loves, so this year for her birthday I made her the whole spread.

I roasted a bone-in turkey breast which I had brined in a fairly simple brine of brown sugar, kosher salt, peppercorns, and bay leaves. I roasted it over a mound of mirepoix and herbs, which made for a very rich and dark pan gravy (almost beef like!). I prepared bourbon candied yams, sour cream mashed potatoes, celery dressing, green beans tossed with bacon, garlic and shallots and a spicy zinfandel apple and cranberry sauce. I also had 2 pies for her to choose from, dutch apple cheesecake pie made with a pecan shortbread crust, and my usual pumpkin pie.

My mom has a rather small appetite so she had a small sampling of each dish and then we packed her up enough left overs to last her a good few days. My father was working while we were eating, but I figured he doesn't care for turkey anyway, so this was her special meal. He'll get his on Thursday.

As we digested our feasts, I washed up all of the dishes so I wouldn't have to deal with them later. Then we played a few hands of Squeek, her favorite card game, which is what our family calls a card game which I've heard also called Nerts, Pounce, and Squeal. We each won a hand, which I find very exciting because I am super competitive with this gave, I had to be if I were to ever stand a chance against my grandmother, mother, and older brother. Head down and serious all the time is the way I play. But a few years ago I begged and begged Eric to play with us as I really valued playing cards with my family. It was our thing. He's not a fan of the cards, but over the last year he has really given it his all, and even will go over to my parents house and play with my mom (isn't he sweet?!). So the fact that he won the last hand was huge (we hardly even helped him this hand).

We ended my mom's special evening with a slice of pumpkin pie and a luxurious dollop of whipped cream.

My mom has been battling some sort of illness which has had doctors baffled (once she finally went back to see them after suffering and getting worse) and has kept her very down and out of things for a good 6 months, so it's been a while since I spent a good afternoon with my mom. She appears to be on the mend, with her team of specialists and her whole slew of inhalers and medications and treatments. She is finally able to sleep laying down without coughing and for a luxurious 5 hours in a row. Finally her body can rest so she can start to heal. Her energy level is so much better and her general well being is greatly improved.

It was great to spend this afternoon with her and to be able to share a special meal with her that was made just for her. This ended up being a very lovely day.

And now... I'm pooped and going to bed. :-)

We'll See...

2008-11-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

Today I got my hair cut and colored. The idea was to color my hair in such a way so I wouldn't "have to" maintain the color anymore. I had been getting highlights done with the same stylist for years and she's really good. Usually we could stretch out the time between highlight appointments from the usual 6-8 weeks to a good 4 months. She's just really good at placement so they don't show the growth that much. Since I wanted to go back natural to save some money, my hair stylist suggested to use a semi-permanent glazing to help fade the highlights into my natural color, which is a very dark brown. She felt it would be the most cost effective and longest lasting, so we did it.

So you know how those highlights are lighter then my base color so of course they are going to take the color differently. Well, apparently there was a lot of red in that there glazing as I now have some serious burgundy going on. The highlights didn't exactly fade away, but I'd say they are much brighter now but now way red.

We're going to see how it looks after a bit of time and then I may be going back under the bottle (which is so not the preference). Granted, she was using a more natural product then usual and the salon doesn't have a ton of experience with this brand so um.... we'll see. It's not bad, it's just not what I had asked for and she was honest and said it was not what she had expected either. Back in the day, I used to actually get burgundy highlights like this, you know back when I was 20.

I'd throw out a picture, but I'm dead tired and I look it and we wouldn't want to document that now would we?

**Update** I just washed it (again) and more color came out so maybe it really will fade. But still, not what I was hoping for.

Cat Humor

2008-11-21T22:58:00.000-08:00

This is just too cute, and I completely feel that these images used my cats as models in their making. Go here... laugh, and then make sure to watch your back for the feline who is considering world domination.

I took the quiz, and I think I should sleep with lights on tonight.

Happy Birthday Mom!

2008-11-20T10:25:00.001-08:00

Today is my mom's birthday, and while I know my mom doesn't read this here blog (that I know of), I still want to wish her a very happy birthday!

While my mom is getting up there in years, she is still a very active young lady. She is a member of a marching handbell choir, plays the organ and directs the handbell choir at her church, directs a singing group who visits Convalescent Hospitals and Assisted Living facilities multiple times a week, and most of her time is spent teaching piano and voice to a number of kids in her home piano studio. Her schedule is exhausting.

I hope when I am her age, that I am still as active and lively as she is.

Happy Birthday Mommy!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-11-19T10:32:00.000-08:00

Pooped!

2008-11-18T20:40:00.001-08:00

Too much.
Too little time.
I'm going to bed.

Already?

2008-11-17T11:09:00.001-08:00

I know I saw Christmas stuff showing up in stores a few weeks ago but I was able to walk past those aisles and pretend like I didn't see anything. But this morning, this is what I was greeted by as I was walking through/past the mall on my way from the train to my office.

Not quite ready for this yet. Not at all!

Recovery Sunday

2008-11-16T20:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went on this great hike with my friend Amy and a women's hiking group we used to hike with all of the time. I have gotten a hankering to get out and hike somewhere new, and this group is great for introducing new parks in the area. The Saturday hikes are usually a good 4-5 hour hikes (including breaks to let the group re-gather and a stop to eat some lunch).

This hike was at a park I'd never been too, oddly enough it was only about 12 miles from my office. I wasn't too keen on reliving my daily commute on the weekend but I'm glad I did. I hadn't hiked with this group for over 4 years, and many of these ladies I hadn't seen for over 5. It was a great time to get out and meet new people and visit a new park.

It was a beautiful day, at least 75 degrees with blue skies (yes, in November). It was a great day to be in a forest and trekking up what seemed to be a never ending hill. Of course when we keep going up for a few hours, the route back down is so rewarding and quick, abet a little tough on the knees. It really was a lovely day.

Of course today finds me sore and pooped. Good thing nothing more then a few loads of laundry was planned for today. I even got in a little baking since I was having a serious want and desire for blueberry muffins and I knew I had a few bags of organic wild blueberries in the freezer (I love Trader Joe's!). We're trying to eat/cook out of the pantry and freezer as much as possible and only buy what we really need to supplement what we already have. And I very easily was able to make a big batch of muffins. Breakfast for a week!

BTW - Blueberry muffins. With streusel topping or without?
I grew up with my mom making them from a box mix that came with a streusel topping so even though I make mine from scratch, they still must have that sweet and crunchy topping (its only butter, sugar and flour, so simple and makes it so special).

Will Ya Recycle Already?

2008-11-15T16:53:00.000-08:00

Five years ago, Eric and I moved into our townhome community. At that time we were shocked to find out that each of the 300+ units had a HUGE wheeled garbage can and no recycling program to be heard of. We could never imagine we could fill up that can for the weekly pickup. We rarely did, but we saw many other families with their huge cans pushed out to the end of their little carports at the end of the week almost overflowing weekly.

We finally realized that the cans were so large and full because no one was taking it upon themselves to recycle. While we would still separate and sort and store up our recycling to take to one of the many nearby centers or to my parent's recycling bin which they never filled in a week, everyone else was just throwing everything away.

Now, we didn't ALWAYS recycle everything we could as I'd get sick of the piles and piles of recycling waiting for Eric to load them into the truck. I wouldn't want you to think we were THAT good. But we did give it a really good effort.

Eric talked about going to our HOA meetings for a good 4 years to see what needed to happen to get a recycling program going, but he never did. We just kept doing our part and left it at that.

Last week, I pulled our giant can to the edge of our carport for the last time. When we came home, it had been replaced by 2 brand new smaller cans. One brown for garbage and one blue for recycling. YAY!

Eric immediately cleaned up the patio of all of the recycling which had been waiting to go, and our first home pick up recycling can was full within a few hours. It felt good to pull both of those cans out to be picked up yesterday, and even better to see all of my neighbors doing the same. People will do the right thing.... as long as it's easy.

CHEESE!

2008-11-14T16:52:00.000-08:00

Our little foodies group at the office organized a little cheese tasting thing where people brought in different cheeses and we tasted and discussed cheese.
I brought in two of my favorites, Manchego and Humbolt Fog. The Manchego I find to be rich and almost sweet. A lovely eating cheese. And the Humbolt Fog is a young rind ripened goat milk cheese which was introduced to me in culinary school. It's smooth and creamy, rich with a slight tangy bite. I adore it and it is becoming more and more popular and easier to find.
Good Times!

We had a small turn out but all of the cheeses brought in were quite tasty. I mean, come on now, its CHEESE! And now, I realize I ate too much of it. Not so good times!

Great concept. Need to work on the execution. Balance out the enjoyment with the over indulgence.

**Grumble Grumble**

Joey Doesn't Share Food

2008-11-13T11:34:00.000-08:00

So I don't know when this started, but I don't like to share food. Specifically when it is a dish I REALLY love. I think it all comes down to expectations and what's in it for me. I mean, if I suggest the sharing because I can't decide on a single dish, then I'm all for it, but if I was really wanting to just get this one dish for me and it is suggested we share, I don't like it. Ohh, and if I want to share but the person I'm with does not want to, then I get all upset. I'm such a baby about food and wanting it my way (ok maybe I just want it my way).

I asked my brother if I've always been so protective about food, and he said he doesn't think so. But man, now I am.

I have a co-worker who is working on me to share happily. It's kind of his mission. There are a few restaurants that he knows I like multiple things so he'll suggest sharing. Somedays I'm all into it, and somedays I'm a total grumpy kid about it. Looking at myself from a distance I think its pretty funny. This clip of Joey, from Friends, allows me to get some perspective and a little chuckle too.

What Does Your Pizza Say About You?

2008-11-12T16:05:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I was stuck today for what to post about, so I did a blogthing
I just picked from the list and here goes. Oddly, I think it is pretty right on. I'll give you my answers and below is what the interpretation is about those answers.

How many slices of pizza do you normally eat? 2
What kind of crust do you prefer? hand tossed
What kind of sauce do you prefer? Pesto
What kind of cheese do you prefer? Extra Mozzarella
What vegetable topping do you like the best? Mushrooms
What meat topping do you like the best? Pepperoni

What Your Pizza Reveals

People may tell you that you have a small appetite... but you aren't under eating. You just aren't a pig.

You aren't particularly picky about pizza. It's so good... how could you be? You fit in best in the Western part of the US.

Your taste is rather complex and sophisticated. You consider yourself a gourmet - and a bit of a snob.

You are generous, outgoing, and considerate with your choices.

You are cultured and intellectual. You should consider traveling to Vienna.

The stereotype that best fits you is geek. You're the type most likely to order pizza to avoid leaving your computer.

What Does Your Pizza Say About You?

Seriously Outragious

2008-11-11T18:17:00.000-08:00

This past weekend some of my friends got together to wish our friend's a happy housewarming. We did it potluck style which turned out great! I love to have a variety of things to munch on.

One of the items I brought were brownies. Lizzie was making a cheesecake (YUM!), so I thought something really chocolatey would balance it out. I had seen Ina Garten make really big and delicious looking brownies on her Barefoot Contessa show, so I thought I'd try it out. She calls them Outragious Brownies, for their size, and their chocolatey punch.

I loved that she made them on a half sheet pan (13 x 18 x 1 1/2), because I knew this recipe was tested and scaled for a large batch. I like to have recipes that are used in restaurants and catering kitchens because they are scaled to make a lot, and that's how I like to bake for parties and for my co-workers. I'm rarely baking for just a few people.

I found these to have a slightly salty sweet thing going on and very chocolatey. They are on the fudgy side, but as a number of my co-workers said it was the perfect amount of fudgy to cakey for a brownie. Before I made them I asked the ladies who were going to be at the get together for a vote on the nuts or no nuts. We went for the nuts, and I'm so glad I did. I'll tell you how chocolatey these are, I took the left overs from the party to work and had them in a sealed container near my desk and I could STILL SMELL THEM!

I made a few changes to the recipe to adjust to the ingrediants I had in the pantry. Espresso Powder instead of instant coffee, but decreasing the amount because I wanted it to boost the flavor, not overpower it. Added some Cocoa Powder and a few extra ounces of chocolate to make up for not having enough unsweetened chocolate. And who keeps Extra Large Eggs in their fridge? I just subbed Large Eggs, actually I think 2 of them were mediums.

Totally Awesome Brownies, based on Ina Gartner's Outragious Brownies.

1 pound unsalted butter
1 pound 3 ounces plus 12 ounces semisweet chocoalte chips, divided
3 ounces unsweetened chocolate
3/4 cup cocoa powder (dutch processed)
6 large eggs
2 tablespoons instant espresso powder
2 tablespoons real vanilla extract
2 1/4 cups granulated sugar
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour, divided (1 cup for batter and 1/4 cup in the chips and nuts)
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon kosher salt
3 cups diced walnut pieces

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour a 13 by 18 by 1 1/2-inch sheet pan.

Melt together the butter, 1 pound 3 oz chocolate chips, unsweetened chocolate and cocoa powder on top of a double boiler. Cool slightly. Stir together the eggs, instant espresso, vanilla and sugar. Stir in the warm chocolate mixture and cool to room temperature.

Whisk together 1 cup of the flour, baking powder and salt. Add to cooled chocolate mixture. Toss the walnuts and 12 ounces of chocolate chips with 1/4 cup flour to coat. Then add to the chocolate batter. Pour into prepared pan.

Bake for about 30 minutes, or until tester just comes out clean. Halfway through the baking, rap the pan against the oven shelf to allow air to escape from between the pan and the brownie dough. Do not over-bake! Cool thoroughly, refrigerate well and cut into squares. Pizza cutter works perfectly.

Fell Down Update

2008-11-10T17:34:00.000-08:00

Ok, my little fall resulted in just a sprain. I ended up sleeping and kicking it on the couch all day yesterday with my foot in and out of ice. So I think that helped get the swelling down. By the end of day today, it's back to being swollen but it is already much stronger. Yay for not breaking it! Next time my foot is asleep I WILL NOT attempt to put any wait on it until it is fully awake.

Felled Down

2008-11-09T18:00:00.000-08:00

This morning I was sitting in our living room looking up hiking trails in the area as I was getting ready to meet up with my friend for a hike. We used to hike at least weekly and I really miss that time with her where we would talk and laugh and occasionally huff and puff our way up hills.

I guess I was sitting sort of funny because my foot fell asleep, like really asleep. I knew it was dumb to put weight on it so I massaged it and was tapping it on the floor while I held onto the chair. I swore it was feeling like any other foot so I took a step. Apparently it had hit the snooze button because it was far from awake. It curled under, lots of bad noises were heard and I found myself on my face on the floor.

A far amount of time passed while I lay there assessing the situation. Do I yell for Eric. Did I just break my foot? Why can't I move my toes or my whole foot for that matter? The numbness turning into throbbing which gave way to searing sharp pain working its way up my leg. Ok, time to call Eric out of bed.

So much for a hike.

Almost 12 hours later and its ok, but that was a scare. I clearly pulled some stuff in there and it is swollen and stiff and hurts and there is a weird tingling when I step on it. But its not broken. Phew.

Night with Good Friends

2008-11-08T23:33:00.000-08:00

Cutting it close tonight! I was hoping to post a picture from a little get together from tonight, but I failed to take my camera with me and then I left my phone in the car so I couldn't even get a crappy phone photo. And yes, it was too much to go back out in the rain to get it.

But even without a picture, I can tell you we had a lovely evening full of food and good friends. We were doing a little house warming for Ben and Liz, as they recently bought their first home. And what a beautiful place it is. It is perfect for their growing family.

The group that got together was J, Ted and Maya, Autumn's Mom and her man, and Eric and I. We all brought appitizery bites to eat and we gorged ourselves. All us ladies used to work together WAY back in the late nineties. We have very luckily remained close and have been through a lot together. I truly feel blessed to have such great friends.

Thanks for the fun evening guys! We MUST not wait so long to do this again.

Habitat Restoration

2008-11-07T21:18:00.000-08:00

Today, I am grateful I work for a company who supports giving back to the community. At my office, I have organized a few community outreach projects and today completed my second to last project of the year. I'm excited that there is interest to do more, but I personally have a limit to just how many extra curricular things I can do while still getting my work done in an efficient way and to the standards I demand. I already have projects lined up for December, January and I'm getting pinged to do one in February too (might have to get someone else to run that one, I'm pooped).

For a busy company our size, we got a good number of people together to take the morning off to do a little habitat restoration at one of our local parks. This morning we were at Mori Point where we were planting native plants to rebuild the natural habitat for some threatened and endangered species. The little guys we were focusing on today were the San Francisco Garter Snack and the California Red-Legged Frog. While some people don't really think that saving a snake is a good way to spend the morning, I think its pretty cool (although I declined to hold a regular ol'garter snake which our project leader found). Interesting enough the frog is the threatened species and also happens to be the favorite food of the SF Garter Snake. Must save one to save the other.

I failed to bring my camera out, but I had my handy iPhone with me and I snapped a few of the group and of our view. Seriously, this was our view as we were planting. Dig, Dig, Dig, Plant, Plant, Plant, look up and take in a few waves. It was great!

All of those little blue flags are plant markers so people wouldn't step on the tiny baby plants being put in. This picture was taken early on, but by the end of our short work period there were over 200 flags in that little strip.

Internaltional Interest

2008-11-06T18:46:00.000-08:00

I wish I could get more words to come out of my fingers but right now I'm SO TIRED! I think my fingers even hurt from the computer work of the day. My teeth even hurt, but that's more because I'm pretty sure I've been grinding them ALL THE TIME, not just in my sleep anymore. AWESOME! I'll probably need braces again if this keeps up.

I do just want to note that I've been really interested in how I've read on more then one blog from a friend from up north who have been interested in our presidential election. I've gotten questions from people I work with who live over in Europe and Asia on my thoughts and how things were looking up to Tuesday. They all knew Tuesday was the big day. Am I really that naive in how much the US and it's president really affects the world?

I guess so.

All thanks to my bubble. Sometimes I really love my bubble. Sometimes I think I should really let it go.

Over Already?

2008-11-05T19:36:00.000-08:00

Last night was kinda cool although I admit a little um... anti-climatic? It's like we turned on the TV and poles were already starting to close on the East Coast. Predictions were being made and graphs and numbers were shown that there was hardly a way for McCain to win, and that it would be a shoe-in for Obama.

Sure I think this is great thing, but I guess I was looking for more bang for the past 2 years. Not like I wanted a fun replay of the hanging chad, but I wanted a little more suspense I guess. I even went to bed before the West Coast poles closed. At some point I woke up in the middle of the night, nudged Eric and asked him if we have a new president elect yet, and he said 'yea'. I just rolled back over without hearing the answer because duh, I knew. He of course needed to tell me because he did stay up to watch it all play out. He was pretty excited.

Ahh hell, it's exiting no matter what. Change is good. Change is good.

Sadly, my Obama high wasn't high enough to keep me from being brought down by stupid Prop 8. Sure, it's not over yet, but it's way too close for my comfort.

I Voted - Hopefully

2008-11-04T15:01:00.001-08:00

As it turns out, my re-registration took and I was on the list with my new married name. I still made sure I had both ID's with me as I went to check the list. So handy they have it hanging on the wall.

I usually vote by absentee ballot so I haven't had to talk to people at the polling place for well.... ever, so I watched the girl in front of me to see where to start. They looked up my name and DRAT! Apparently when you vote by absentee, even when the ballot they send you is in your old name and you re-register, they still consider you absentee and brilliant me shredded the ballot thinking it was invalid. So since I didn't have it to surrender, I had to vote by provisional ballot. Hopefully my vote will still count.

Go ahead and blame it on me if things don't go the way you wanted them to... well no, the way I wanted them. I'll be over here in the corner with the dunce cap on.

Frickin' Frack

2008-11-03T08:57:00.000-08:00

So I changed my name when I got married and early last month I realized that because I did so I needed to re-register to vote. I filled out the form and mailed it in. And now I'm realizing that I never got a new voter card in the mail with my new name on it. In fact, I vaguely recall getting a second one with my old name on it. We were getting so much election crap that I wasn't really paying attention to it all and it was all just going in one big pile until we sifted through it all. And sure enough.... 2 voter cards came, both with my old name.

FRACK!

And when do I realize this? After it's too late to register. I do recall getting a new proposition booklet that said "The lastname's" on it recently, so maybe it did take. GAR! I wish I thought to check before October 20th, which was the cut off for registering in California.

I tried checking canivote.org, which was talked about on Oprah, but alas, my county doesn't have their info online so I couldn't so easily check. I could call, but at this point I couldn't do anything to fix it.

I guess I'll be going to my polling place tomorrow and just hoping my name is on there. Maybe they'll have the list outside again so I can check to see which name is on there and I'll take both of my ID's with me ;-)

Bookcase Purging

2008-11-02T10:13:00.000-08:00

Eric and I have been looking at all of the stuff which we have been living with. We realized long ago that we don't really enjoy our living space the way it is and we don't use most of the stuff we are surrounded by.

While we enjoy the benefits of a great library system, sometimes we get in these moods where we do a lot of book buying. Sometimes we buy a lot of reference books about some new interest, and sometimes I fall in love with a fiction author and don't want to wait for their books to get to the library. And of course I end up with a collection of books I've bought in airports because I failed to bring along some reading material.

Over the years we have gone through our books to keep them to a minimum. Some of us do this with a heavy hand and some of us get too emotional about them. Surprisingly, I'm not the emotional one about books usually. Usually.

Today finds us doing another book purge and this time I'm having a hard time with my smallish collection of books. By small I mean it's small compared to my husband's multiple book cases.

I have a number of cook books which I've held onto for years but have never cooked a single thing out of them. Sorry, you're going to the used book store.
I have a few years worth of cooking magazines which I totally enjoyed when they come to the house and are now embarrassingly about to fill my parent's recycling tote. (our complex doesn't start their recycling program for another few weeks)
Am I really ever going to read the Harry Potter series again? Probably not. Sorry Harry, but I'm over you.
I found my well loved copy of Watership Down from many years ago and I imagine my kids (who don't exist yet) falling in love with this classic like I did. But really, they can get it from the library and it'll likely be in better condition.
I have a stack of books about whales and seals from my days at the Marine Mammal Center and studying to be a Marine Biologist. A dream left behind.
I have a small stack of fiction which I LOVED but since I rarely re-read, hopefully someone else will love them too, and at a used book price.

So now we are packing up the car to head down to the used book store and those that they don't take will go to our local library for their collection and book sale.

Perhaps we'll stay this motivated when we get home and will attack one of the many other dumping grounds in this house. We'll see. I'm not holding my breath.

And So Another NaBloPoMo Begins

2008-11-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

This will be my 3rd year participating in NaBloPoMo, where the participants are challenged to post on their blog everyday for the month of November, no theme enforced. I didn't quite make it the first year but sailed through last year. Sure there will be some sorry excuses for posts on those not so creative or free time filled days. But the goal is to just post something and be active in the blogging community.

Starting last year, Eden (the founder of NaBloPoMo), continued the challenge throughout the year and provided themes to write on for that month. However November remains as it was originally, a free for all, write about anything you want challenge.

So hopefully you'll be hearing from me a little more then usual. Happy November everyone and good luck to everyone taking the challenge!

Creative De-stressing

2008-10-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

It has been well established that I'm a worrier. With that we can safely say I tend to get overwhelmed. All of this is not helped by the fact that I am a perfectionist.

This past week, there were a few days which found me a little crazed. Not generally the whole day, but little spurts through the day and often right before bed time. Work is what appears to be the trigger and is what has been on my mind lately. Insomnia has kicked in and I have wished I had some sleeping pills to help me stay asleep. I have the kind of insomnia where I fall asleep hard for about an hour or two and then I am woken up by worry. I've written about it a number of times in the past and it's clear this is my stress sleep pattern.

This week I have almost dreaded each night as I fear it will be filled with frustrations of not being able to get back to sleep. I try getting water. Doing some stretches. Petting a cat. Changing sleeping locations (aka the Couch). The only thing that works is Eric rubbing my back, which means I have to wake him up to help me sleep. Seems a little selfish to me, so this is usually my last resort!

About mid-week I realized something interesting during my commute. I have quite a number of knitting projects to finish for the holidays so any spare moment I have is being used on them, so instead of driving or working on the train, I've been knitting. I found that the days which I knit, I can sleep no problem. And the nights where I haven't been able to sleep, which leaves me agitated in the morning, I am able to knit away the sleep deprived grouchiness and have a genuinely good day. This is making a very good case for making sure I take the train into work. Possibly an even better case then the whole environmental impact bit.

Maybe with all of this stress, and then de-stress knitting, I'll actually get all of my gifties completed before the weather warms up (unlike last year).

Missing the Big Picture

2008-10-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

For a few years I was really into capturing my days via this blog and my camera. So I haven't been all that great with the blog, but I've been really crappy with the camera. Over there on the sidebar I have a link to my most recent photos on Flickr. Those same cute pictures of my friend's baby girl have been looking all cute and cuddly for over a year. The other day my Mother-in-Law asked me for the URL for my photo site, and I had to go look it up, because it's been THAT LONG! And I was sad to see the last photo uploaded was from Sept 2007. That cute cuddly little baby, ain't no baby anymore although she's still cute and cuddly.

But how does one update Flickr with over a years worth of photos? Well one answer is, you don't. You just start from now and move forward. But I do have well over 1.5 GB of photos which have been taken, but some I'd really like to get up on Flickr, and many with are not worthy. You know, taking 30 pictures of the same 2 brownies doesn't really count as a month of meaningful photos. Maybe 1 of those would be uploaded. And the rest? well I don't know. Disk space is cheaper these days, but do I really want to buy more disk space to store 30 photos of the same 2 brownies? probably not. But I do need to get them off of my camera's discs. Can't use it if I can't store them.

Then there comes a new development which is preventing me from doing much with the photos. My home desktop's hard drive died. Sure I can buy a new one, and reload everything on it and restore from backup, but really... this computer is old and was already showing signs of eminent death beyond the hard drive long before it finally passed. Sad to think that something purchased 8 years ago is considered old. But this is the life of a computer and 8 years is pretty darn old. It was my first and it served me well. and luckily I had seen the signs and backed up everything I cared about off of the ailing machine.

So before I can start using my camera again, I need to get a bunch of photos off of the camera or buy more memory for it (which I have plenty so that's dumb), and before I can get the photos off I need to figure out where to put them and to then sort through them and well... that all just takes time.

If you have any extra time, just let me know and I'll be right over to pick some up. Thanks!

Bueller? Bueller?

2008-10-20T06:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, so a little sad am I.

Back here, I mentioned how excited I was about this Back-Tack thing. A global crafty gift exchange set up by some nifty bloggers in Australia. Theme Given, Buddies Matched-up, Get your Crafty on, Exchange, and come out getting to know another blogger and being gifted some lovely crafty wares.

Well, I'm feeling a little bummed over here. We were assigned our partners over a week ago, which of course I emailed her that very day and I still haven't heard a word. Checked my SPAM folder and nothing. Checked her blog, and no entry since early September. Doubled checked that my info sent in the buddy email was correct, as was my Blog URL. Being the rule follower that I am, I made contact between assignment date and Oct 18th, but I'm not getting the same response.

I guess I could comment on her last blog post which is totally out of context, as maybe the email address provided was incorrect (which did not bounce back). I could send another email, but I'd rather not seem too eager or impatient (which clearly I am!). Maybe she has something going on which is keeping her from wanting to participate anymore. Sigh! I only have a few weeks to get my crafty on for the exchange which is to be shipped and received by the beginning of December, and well.. I have family gifts to prepare as well. And so I wait.

**UPDATE** Desperation does work! I got an email today. Now I have to figure out how to make up for my eagerness and sound cool and aloof again. Really, Mimi! I'm cool! I swear. (Damn, must cut out the desperate crap.)

Cutting Corners on a Lazy Saturday

2008-10-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

Today started, what seemed to be, very early for me. I had gone to sleep sometime early this morning after what I would call a very grown-up evening at our friend's house filled with yummy food, friends and the reading and discussing of the propositions we are about to vote upon. After getting home, we headed up to bed where I read... and read... and even though Eric was long asleep, I even continued to read out loud. My throat was getting horse and scratchy but I continued to read aloud. At one point I coughed and Eric woke up and stumbled out of the room and returned with a glass of water... FOR ME! Sweet, sweet man. My eyes finally got heavy and I gave in to the sleep.

Only a few hours later I woke up ready to start the day. I quickly got up, put on comfy sweats and headed downstairs so as not to wake up Eric. I fed the cats so they'd hush up, and with the plan to go out for a brisk walk alone, I sat on the couch to put on my tennies. Instead, I found that I sat myself down with a book. What is wrong with me and all this reading business? I think I read for a good 4 hours before Eric called down to find out what I was doing. By this time I had a fuzzy blanket over me and at least one grey warm kitty pinning me down. I couldn't exactly disturb the sleeping kitty!

Around lunchish time, Eric looked through a coupon book and suggested we go to lunch. But alas, I was feeling icky and lazy with all the sitting and reading, so he took his coupon and returned with tasty vittles. Again, unlike me, I only ate half of my most favorite Vietnamese BBQ Pork and Vermicelli. Perhaps since I had fried an egg to throw on top of the noodles and one for Eric and his sandwich (ok and I also ate one before he got home because I didn't time my cooking to account for him standing outside on the phone with his mother for 20 minutes) I had actually consumed more then I thought. I suppose I was surprised I didn't clean my bowl since I love this dish from this restaurant and I still hold grand ties to the clean plate club, especially at lunchtime. (seriously, I get at least 3/4 of my daily calories out of lunch, unless Eric and I go out for dinner and then I get ...well... far too many calories, period).

Eric then turned his attention to saving monies (the $5 off lunch coupon wasn't enough), and he called and canceled the gym membership we haven't used for over 3 months, he logged on and put our Netflix account on hold, and then came the discussion of the Cable TV, Tivo, Internet, Landline phone and Cell phone accounts. This guy was on a mission and didn't care if I was paying much attention as I absent mindly answered my account security questions so he could reset my password on the accounts so he could log in. After I realized what was going on, I put down the book and decided to interact with my money saving husband.

CABLE TV & TIVO
One goes with the other. If the Cable goes, there's no point in Tivo... BUT I LOVE Tivo! But really, we could watch a lot of the shows via the good ol'Internets so there is a way around this $60+$14/month expense. Plus really? Do I HAVE to watch that much MTV and TLC and all the other crap? YES I DO, thank you very much! Ok, we'll consider this but Netflix is coming back if we drop the cable.

INTERNET
No option to let this go. But maybe I can see if my company will pay for part of it. I've heard they do, but I have been too um... ethical to find out since I don't HAVE to work from home, I just do, a lot.

LANDLINE
We decided the landline wasn't THAT much money, but really we mostly use it when cell service is iffy, and to send/receive faxes (you know the up to 20 MAYBE a year). Plus I've had that phone number since I moved out and well... ok that's not a good reason. $300 annual savings... err.... let's think about it. It could cut down on all of the election and give me money calls!

CELL PHONE PLAN
We can change our family plan, which covers both Eric and I and both of our mother's phones, but going down to the next level of plan drops our minutes to almost half at only a $10 savings. I guess I COULD not use my iPhone ($35 extra per month for data and text... um... yea), but I LURV IT! And that would make the investment of the hardware a waste. Would a $10 savings really be worth having to actually tightly track our minutes? Especially if we also drop the landline. Eric never knows how much phone talking time he'll do each month with his business, so Ok, maybe the TV isn't that important.

So now, Eric has gone to the cafe to do some work, and I continue to sit on the couch, reading a little, internet researching a little, blog catching up a little and doing some holiday gift giving knitting (more corner cutting sorta, but not so much time cutting). Perhaps tomorrow I'll get in that brisk morning alone time walk. Or perhaps an evening walk would be just as lovely.

And Then The Stress Subsides

2008-10-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

Today just FEELS like a very glorious Friday doesn't it? I mean, I already feel some of the stress of the week melting away, even though it's still in the AM around these parts and I still have at least 2-3 days worth of work to get done today. But for some reason I don't really care! I mean I care about my work and I'll be a busy bee today, but I'm not stressing over it. SWEET! (ask me if I still feel that way at 3pm and deadlines are looming)

With urging from loved ones, I finally sat down with my mortgage papers and I THINK we'll be ok as the whole ARM kicks in. The terms, which I didn't really pay THAT much attention to when I signed the papers, are actually ok. Not AWESOME, but depending on the economy, it will be ok for a little while. Yes I know I should have fully understood everything, but I was young(er), and fully thought I'd be out of here by the time this whole adjustable bit came into play. Funny how THAT didn't happen. We definitely need to adjust how we think about it and how we are handling it, but we knew we'd have to do that soon anyway. At least for now, I'm not freaking out about it as much as I was. Just needed to know a little more about what I as freaking out about, which helped me control the freak (out).

So I guess we'll finally have our merging of the finances talk soon. This newly married, independent, financially stable girl will need to learn to either let go of the control, or take on more or SHARE the responsibility. (which really is about the control thing too). Eric isn't bad with money, he's just not as obsessively organized about it like I am. Some adjusting will soon commence. (Internal monologue: Change is good. Change is good.)

I'm also already totally looking forward to Christmas this year which very much helps with the stress of today. Not the most mindful thing to do, but you know... vacations are fun to look forward to. We're planning on renting a cabin in New Hamshire with the in-laws. They live on the other coast, so we don't get to see them often. So a week or so of hang time, is very much being looked forward to. There will be snow, and fires in the fireplace, and this place has a great stocked kitchen so I'm already thinking of the meals we'll have there.

Its funny how my stress tends to ebb and flow, and at such quick rates of change. (Funny - crazy, weird and somewhat annoying). I'm just happy that today, it appears to be on the way of the ebb.

Happy Friday everyone!

Oh - and I got my BackTack4 buddy assignment today. Hi Mimi!

Why Now?

2008-10-08T01:28:00.000-07:00

Um yea. It's after 1am and I have found myself steadily working away on something I struggled with all day. Why NOW am I suddenly able to focus on it? Ok, I'm obviously not totally focusing on it, because I'm now over here typing these thoughts but really this is my attempt at breaking my focus so I'll go to bed already!

Also, I just HAPPEN to glance at my company's stock price (which I generally try to avoid doing these days) and ouch! I guess I should pay more attention to the good ol'economy, but all the main street, wall street, Lehman Bros., Bail-Out talk pretty much has me averting my eyes and ears. I felt a panic attack coming on earlier today when a friend asked about my mortgage sitch, which tells me I should probably deal with it if it's getting to me that badly. I generally enjoy living in my bubble, but I guess I should pop it for a while to get things straightened out. But then I'm going right back in.

Speaking of panic attacks... I totally had one the other night, IN MY SLEEP! and then in my awake but sorta asleep state it continued. Whatever dream I was having I continued to think/dream about it even though I was awake and the panic continued along with it (and it wasn't at all about money, today was the first little panic around the monies). I got up and got a drink of water, used the bathroom, petted the cat, and the panic continued. After a few hours of doing all I knew to try. I eventually woke up Eric to rub my back because then I could at least take in a deep breathe with the hopes of getting at least another hour of sleep in before the damn alarm would go off for my early morning Monday meeting marathon. Lovely husband that he is, was very patient with me at 4am and helped me relax so I could sleep another hour. Amazing what touch can do.

and I do know why I'm awake right now. It's that darn Barq's Root Beer I had at dinner. I rarely drink soda and tend to stick to water, tea and milk, but after our run tonight I realized there was little more then a few cans of beans and tomatoes in our pantry and that was all the excuse I needed to jump in the car and head to a fast food joint (run and eat a burger... sweet!). I woke up rather cranky today and it got worse through the day and yea, after running with a sore half ass and the cranky mood, I totally went to Jack in the Box. There I got a too greasy meal which came with a drink, and no I didn't push that little button to get water, I got a soda. A, what I thought to be caffeine-free Root Beer soda, even though in the back of my mind I was remembering that Barq's is the only Root Beer with caffeine but I got it anyway. Damn! I could have had the favored Dr. Pepper and been just as wide awake. Why? Why?

I've clearly lost it or the caffeine is just working its magic, so regardless (I really want to type irregardless just to be funny and annoy people but I digress) I'm going to go up to bed now, and attempt to turn off my head and just accept that I didn't finish what I wanted/needed to do today and that once again time slipped away from me. Perhaps a moment of mindfull meditation will lull me into the calm I couldn't find earlier. Om.

Taming the Lazy

2008-10-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was inspired by Angie and J to get off my butt and to start doing something about my growing assets (clearly not the stock market kind of assets by the look of the DOW lately). Sure, as we age things change and it gets harder to get in shape, stay in shape and we have to pay a little more attention to what we eat and do. Working full-time with a killer commute doesn't freely give me a lot of time to be in the shape I'd like to be in. So I have to make the time and work it into my routine, which kind of goes against the lazy which encroaches on me when I'm at home.

Angie suggested I try the "Couch Potato to 5K" plan she used, and she recently completed her first 5K (and this woman has kids and an organic farm, so what's my excuse?). I had actually read this plan a few years ago but never got out there to do it.

J, I have always seen her to be a lovely, well balanced mother, wife and woman, who knows the importance of staying active. She works full-time, cooks for her family, reads, spend quality time with family and friends, and still takes the time to go on long walks and goes to yoga.

If these women, who have far more complicated lives then I, can take the initiative and the effort to get in shape, well then by golly I can do it too! Of course this means getting up early in the morning because it's dark by the time I get home, or would be dark half way through the run, and I'm a chicken like that. I'm not so good at the get up in the morning, but I'm trying.

Things are going well with this training to run thing, you know after a week. Eric is out running/walking with me and we're both already noticing it getting easier. Each time we go out I notice parts of my body being tight then loosening, and I'm just overall really mindful of my body (and the little pains which come and go).

Last weekend we threw in the hike we used to do everyday back when we were younger and were training for a Yosemite backpacking trip. We used to be able to do this hilly 3 mile hike in 45 minutes. This time it took us 75 minutes but we didn't try to push it, and we stood and watched a hawk and a bunch of baby cows for quite a while. I was just thrilled that I could get up the hills without huffing and puffing. Slow and steady was the motto.

The funny thing is, I felt only slightly sore after all of this. But one morning of bowling at a work party/offsite outing, and my left cheek is so SORE! Who knew bowling worked the body that much! I'm feeling pretty off balance, so maybe I should run tonight but only make left turns or do a lot of stair climbing with only my right leg. I guess if I were to take up bowling regularly (I can't afford it but you know if...) then I'd have a really hot half an ass!