Friday, June 20, 2008

Priorities Out of Whack

I am working pretty hard at learning how to find balance in my life, but this morning I found a very big and glaring mistake on my part which shows just how off my priorities are.

Monday is our one year anniversary. Pretty big deal right? So today as I checked out my work calendar to see if there is anyway to take the day off I see that I have managed to schedule an early morning meeting, a few other pretty important meetings sprinkled through the day, and the clincher is a training I have to give until 9:30pm which'll put me getting home at about 11pm.

I haven't told my husband yet, but the guilt is hitting me pretty hard.

Bad wifey! BAD!

I knew that date looked really familiar.


Update: I finally got a hold of Eric and he was very cool and wonderful about it. Told me not to worry or feel guilty. That it's not about how we spend that day, but about how we treat each other and spend most of the other days. Which I know he is right. He is wise and has a very loving heart.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Worrier

Last week I was worried for one friend who's family was displaced due to a wildfire threatening her childhood home. The next day I learned sad news from another friend about loosing her father and worrying about how she is doing. Today I learned sad news from yet another friend about loosing her mother, and I worry about how to be a friend for her during this time of grief and healing. For the last week I have been worried about my own mother's 2 week travel plans which begins tomorrow (see, worrying before I have anything to worry about), and today I learn she is planning another trip this summer, Oy! You fold in the ridiculous amounts of worry I give to work and no wonder I also worry about the frown lines which grow deeper between my eyebrows each night. (I actually get up in the middle of the night to put more de-wrinkling cream on them if I have had a worried filled sleep).

Today I worried about backing up our dying computer, but not wanting to spent too much money but worried about buying the wrong solution. I worried about the fact we haven't paid off our wedding debt even though our anniversary is next week or figured out our joint finances let alone filed our last year's taxes. I worried about feeding our cats a high carb dry food diet which might give them diabetes and researched a better alternative. Which then lead to down a long road of worrying about their teeth, their colons, their kidneys and their general happiness to be indoor kitties.

I have known for a long time that I am a worrier, but I have been finding that my worries seem to be much of what I think about. If I were to be more mindful of my worries, I think I'd worry I was worrying too much, which I guess I worry about. So for now, I accept my worries as part of my heart and part of my chaos. I honestly don't know who I'd be if I didn't worry.

Friday, June 13, 2008

I Guess Gas Prices Have Gotten To That Point

This morning as I was running out of the house to get on the road to make my first meeting of the day, I walked between my car and my husbands work truck in the car port and found what I thought to be an odd site. Wet asphalt, a gas can cap, and the gas tank open on the work truck. Someone had siphoned my husbands gas!

Really? Has it come to this?

My husband was inside on a work call so I didn't want to alarm him while he was trying to sound all talented and all knowing of fruit and landscape design, so I wrote him a little post-it note. I pointed to the note a few times but he was obvious busy so I got ready to leave again. I didn't want to leave in case they drained him of all of his gas and he would need a ride to get a gallon or two. But alas, thanks to his double tank truck, they only drained him down to half, and he doesn't think they got much, especially since they probably spilled a half gallon by the looks of the mess.

But still RUDE!

Oh, and then I called our HOA manager to ask her a question, but then also let her know of the gas stealing. She said, "ok". OK! Really, you have nothing more to say then OK? I don't expect much more I guess, but no 'Thank you for letting me know' or 'I'll give the security company a heads up', or anything. Have I mentioned how much I love living where I live? Have I? Please someone let me know when the market is going to turn so I can can be packed and ready to leave. Hell, screw the packing, I'm outta here.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Lists

Sometimes when the chaos gets too much and I find I start loosing myself, I need to stop and take a moment to figure out where I am and where I'm going and what I need to do to get there. I usually find comfort in writing lists of goals and tasks to help me feel like I'm living a more managed chaos. Sometimes in my life I consistently turn to those lists, sometimes to the point of OCDing all over those lists. Sometimes I have a healthy balance of goals in my life where those lists are more like reminders, casual to do lists. And then there are times, like the last 5 months, where I'm so lost that even the thought of a list and thinking how to get my life back makes me crumble.

Everyday is filled with goals, big and small, and when I'm feeling lost, any task to reach a personal goal becomes overwhelming, tiring, burdensome, and far too hard to even begin. Note I said personal goal. By that I mean anything that is strictly for me or at least mostly for me. So that means laundry still gets done, taking time to connect with friends is still revered, social events are still attended even if getting dressed for that event may include a break down. And my big problem during these times is the sick sick relationship between me and the importance of my job in my life (I could go into that bit of introspection but I'll save that for another day). This is what my depression looks like.

A few months ago I stopped talking, and I don't know really know for how long and to what degree. I didn't stop talking all together, but I was no longer talking about me. Since I need to talk or write to process what is happening in my life, I filled up. I stopped caring about me. I was no longer taking time to be a friend, a daughter or a wife. I stopped cooking, stopped cleaning, I just stopped. The only thing I continued was my work. If I was not working, I was sleeping. And one day I yelled, and cried, and then.... I talked.

This is when I made my first list in a long time.

You might think this list would be long, and exhilarating as I realized where I had gone and was waking up to all of the possibilities. But it was not long at all. It had 3 things on it to do everyday:

Take a shower
Get dressed
Do my Hair and put on make-up

A few weeks later I added to the list:
Walk outside for 10 minutes everyday
At the end of the work day, list the tasks of the next day
Don't work again that day once that list is completed

And yesterday I added:
Office hours - out by 6pm
Take public transportation
Write during commute - Blog, journal, email, lists,etc.
Evening walk with Eric

We'll see how this process goes of finding me and regaining some sense of balance. I may or may not write about it here, and then again I might write it ALL here. I'm giving myself permission to slip, to fail and to just be.