- Stack of bills
Don't get me wrong. I know I am very fortunate and have been lucky in my life to have been given opportunities to learn on the job, and have therefore been able to buy real estate on my own (its just a townhouse which I hate, but that's my name on the mortgage and hopefully my equity that is building), I put myself through culinary school (but will have those student loans until 2017 on the current plan) but more importantly I have never had to go to bed hungry or wanted for any of the true nessecities in life (except maybe more love and direction as a kid but that's a different post).
I hate money, yet I feel I need it and need more and more. I hate that I love CA so much that I choose to live here and therefore can never afford a comfortable life where one of us can stay home to raise a family, in a house, with a yard and a garden, in a good neighborhood/community, with great schools. Or is it that I am so afraid of change that I force myself to not see a life outside of CA. I hate that I commute 3+ hours a day in order to work at a job that is ok, but not inspiring, but I do it everyday.
I grew up knowing the finacial woes of my mom (my father had no idea of the needs of his family nor how my mother was handling the books). I knew that she was taking cash advances from creditors in order to pay the creditors. I decided to start working younger then I should have, to take care of some of my expenses in-order to not be as much of a burden on my family. I became obsessed with being financially independant, and it remains a major stresser in my life.... and a major battle in my relationship (but we're not going to open that can any wider then that).
Sometimes I want to have a finacial/life advisor tell me I'm doing the right thing to ease my mind, or to tell me what I'm doing wrong and to tell me what to do. Money is dangerous, it is evil, yet it allows me to live the life that I have. Sometimes I think I should change my life so money isn't such a focus, so I can enjoy my life and spend less time worrying. Perhaps that means moving. Perhaps that means changing myself in more ways then I can currently imagine in order to gain the peace that I want.